ENM Mailbag: Lifestyle Burnout, Jealousy & Pool Party Game

0:07 All right, y'all. Before we dive in, a quick heads-up This show is raw, real, and definitely not rated PG. We're talking about adult themes, sexual content, and the kinda stuff you probably don't want blasting through your speakers at work or around your kids. So grab some headphones, pour your drink of choice, and get comfy. Oh, and just so we're clear, we are not licensed therapists, counselors, or sex couches. Sex coaches. Sex coaches. Not sex couches. We're just a couple of people sharing our lives, experiences, and sexy adventures in ethical non-monogamy. So with that, pull up a chair and enjoy the show.

0:51 Hello, and welcome to another episode of Beyond Monogamy. I'm Adam. And I'm Pris. And today we're doing something a little different. There's no guest book, no pre-planned topic, but instead- Oh … instead we're digging into our inbox- Oh … and our anonymous confessional because you all sent some really good stuff this past week. Well, then, that's a good show. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We got two questions today, one from our voicemail, one that came in through our messages, and honestly, they could not be more different from each other. One's heavy- Mm-hmm … one's fun. Mm-hmm. And we're splitting the show right down the middle to give each one of the time… to give each one the time that it deserves. Yeah.

1:32 Now, the first half of the show we're talking about what happens when one partner falls in love with the lifestyle and the other one wants out. It's real, it's raw, and if you've ever felt like you and your partners are on two different pages about non-monogamy, this one's definitely for you. Hmm. Yeah. And then in the second half we're gonna lighten things up a little bit, a question from a guy who wants to know how to actually read the room at a pool party without being that guy. Yeah. Yeah. And listen, if either one of these questions hits home for you and you've got your own situation that you want a second opinion on, you can send it to us completely anonymous through the confessional on our website, beyond-monogamy.com.

2:14 You know where it's at. No names, no pressure, just an honest answer from us. Yeah. So let's get into it. Yeah. Okay. So this first one came in through our voicemail. Okay. Now, this listener specifically asked to stay anonymous so we're not using any names. I mean, there's a lot of couples out there- There is … who, who listen- Yeah … to the show. We're not using any names, by any means. Okay. We're not reading any identifying details, just the question word for word. Yes. Okay. You ready? All right. So here we go. Here we go. It says, " Hi. I have a question it's kind of like jealousy and one person in the couple just being done doing lifestyle things.

2:58 We have been in the lifestyle about three to five years. We've been married well over 20 years. We're at a point where my husband truly, truly enjoys it. I feel like it's been bad for our personal relationship. I don't wanna do it anymore. I'm very unhappy. I know this is a very non-sexy part of the lifestyle, and I think it's easy to say, 'Just stop,' but we're really in different spectrums here. He's come out with a lot of things that kind of awakened in him, and I just wanna go back and I feel like I can't. And I'm just wondering if anyone, other people who've gone through this, have… What have they done? How do you figure out what is fair for both parties?

3:42 Again, not very sexy, not very fun, but I can't believe I'm the only person who feels this way or that there aren't other couples where people are on extremely different wavelengths. I just… I'd like to know what other people have done. Thanks. I think your show is great." So, I mean, I have been in her shoes. Have you? Yes. Yeah. I- Sounds about right … I have. I did not, um… Well, first thing is fir- … We have always had the, the right, and I'm gonna say this the way I'm gonna say this because I really do not care what other people think about our relationship. Mm. It's our relationship. Mm-hmm. So I, we have always had the right to stop when we wanted and veto who we wanted.

4:30 True. So this lifestyle is not going to be fun if both of y'all are not having fun in it. Um, I have been there. I'm, I'm telling you that I have been in your shoes many times throughout our 15 years in the lifestyle. And even more so with the poly thing. I, I- Even more so with the poly, but- … I really felt like w- I could relate to this on our end from the poly situation because it sounded like you, when we were poly, you were afraid- Yeah … to tell me anything. But, but I, I, in the lifestyle- Because of what it did for me but in the lifestyle either way. Yeah. No, no, no. Yeah, I'm just saying as far as relationships. So, and these discussions were not, "Oh, honey, I just want you to stop." No, no, no, no, no.

5:14 We came at each other. Like, if I wanted to stop the lifestyle, um, we didn't have, like, set rules. Like, we said we did, but we really didn't adhere to them because I didn't wanna hurt his feelings and I didn't want him to stop certain things. Yeah. Um, which, which is, i- is, is sweet to say, but stupid to do. It's unhealthy, yeah. It is. It's, it's, like, sweet to, like, "Oh, I, you know, your feelings are valid, and what you wanna do is really sweet," is really dumb to say when you are in the lifestyle. Yeah, it's not a good idea. Like, this is a different type of relationship. You have to be able to say, "No, I don't like that, and this is why I don't like that." Um, as opposed to somebody who's maybe monogamous.

6:03 I mean, I, they feel like they should be as healthy, but they aren't. Yeah. Um, in the lifestyle you really have to set Boundaries really, but that's like a r- Set boundaries and adhere to it Yeah Anybody can put the, the w- the words on the page, but can you adhere to them? Yeah You know? And, and find out what is it about the lifestyle you don't like. For instance, in our situation, Adam was just more wanting to get actions done, things done, more so than what I really wanted. I wasn't I don't care about sex as much as my husband cares about sex.

6:45 I don't care about- Fair different type of situation as much as my husband does. Um, now, I will say, that's me being me. Like, that's me being the woman that I am. Um, I've had floppy relationships in the bed, and so with that, it's kinda kept me from being a little, not wanting, not enjoying the lifestyle. I've… Now I'm older, I'm finding different, different situations really different than I was when I was in my early 30s. Mm-hmm. Um, but what is it about the lifestyle that you don't like? Well, see, I know for, from our discussions and from your perspective, 'cause sometimes I feel like I know you better than I know yourself.

7:27 Then you know yourself. Then you know yourself. That's funny. Um, but I think when it came to you, a lot of it had to do with trust. Yeah. Um, a, a, a lot of it- I was super jealous … had to do with trust. I was very insecure and super jealous. Uh, the, the insecurities, the jealousies. Uh, and it wasn't because I wasn't doing a good job of, of reassuring you, uh, 'cause I was doing that. Yeah. Uh, but it was just because of your past with past relationships and the things that you had been through, you didn't have trust. Yeah. Um, not only- And you and I didn't have- … in me and with others … yeah, like, we, you and I didn't… Our relationship in the very beginning had a little bit of gaps.

8:08 Yeah. Like, things that would happen, and then you don't know how to let go of those things. Like, I'm saying, not, not you, but, like, I don't know how to let go of those things. Yeah. Those- And so it's just be- kinda becomes a part of you. Yeah. And it be- it festers out as a jealousy. Yeah. And it go… And then you say, "Well, I can't control that, and I don't wanna have something that I can't control." Exactly. And so that was really hard for me, and that's why I didn't like the lifestyle. He would make… He would find relationships and find things to, people to do And I c- and I couldn't. Now, it wasn't the fact that I couldn't, um, because there's a dime a dick. Like, if I wanted to find somebody to have sex with, I could have find somebody to have sex with.

8:52 Good point. And now I'm not… Yeah, I'm not saying that it's just me. It's just a woman, it's a woman's area. It's, it's a woman's lifestyle. Like, it's a woman's lifestyle. So, uh, that… It wasn't that. I just wasn't in the mood. I didn't feel like I was valued as a woman. I was more valued as a pussy, which to me wasn't- Damn … very exciting. Yeah. Um, now it's different. But ask yourself, what don't you like? Like, you guys need to sit down And you need to be like, "Look, Bob" "This is what I don't like." Yeah. "I don't, I don't, I feel insignificant when you are chatting with someone a little longer than, than you should be. Um, I feel like you're putting their, the, that person's needs and wants who's not in the relationship with you a little bit more than I am."

9:49 Or, "Hey, you should have a certain time where, you know, you stop chatting with people." Like, i- or, "When we go out to a meet and greet, how about don't always, I don't know, leave me at the table, or go make out with somebody"- Right … or not introduce me as your wife, or whatever. I mean, and Bob could have same things. "Look, Stacy" I like to be wanted. Y- but, you know, I mean, she's right though. Th- the… it's, it really comes down to analyzing the root cause of your feelings and of his feelings. Yeah. And both of y'all's feelings is valid. Yeah. And then over-communicating it.

10:31 Like- And it's not gonna happen in just one com- And- uh, one night of communication … no, it, it doesn't. And- It's like a series … and you have to be okay with stepping away. And- Mm-hmm … you have to be okay with your partner wanting to step away. Yeah, it's, it's gonna be hard because, for instance, for me, if I were to say, "Hey, hey bub, hey babe, like that's just it, like I want out. I want out of the, this lifestyle," in my brain, in my insecurity, jealous brain of mine, "Oh, who was he talking to? Oh, now he's gonna go cheat. Oh, now he's gonna be do…" And you kinda just have to get past that and just be full on trust with your, like, significant other that's gonna be like, "Okay, I'm… they're gonna be okay.

11:14 We're just not gonna do the lifestyle anymore, but we're still gonna have fun, like we're gonna still go and do things," you know? But it still comes down to trust. It comes down to trust. You know? And if you have trust issues with your spouse, or if you have trust issues with others- Mm-hmm … and I, I, I don't know of any other way to say this. It's kinda rough, but that's a you issue. Yes. That's not an everybody else issue. Mm-hmm. And that means that's something that you have to work on yourself. Now, I'm not saying that's a- Yeah. And- … that, that your feelings are invalid there or anything like that. But that's, there's a lot to unpack that I'm sure you haven't- Yes unpacked yet- And- … uh, for both of y'all … yeah. And y'all really should sit and talk about that, because like you said, it is, like for me, right, this would be a… if we drop this, it would probably be a me, a me issue, me not liking something, me not wanting to do something.

12:00 And as my partner, he's gonna either go with it, or he's not. Yeah. And you have to be prepared for either- For one or the other … situation. Yeah. When we were poly, I was o- I was okay, and I was gonna live the way it ended if whether he wanted to stay with me and be monogamous with me, or if he wanted to leave and be non-monogamous. It took her a while to get to that point. It took me, it took me months to get to that point. And I got there, and then when I told him, I was like, "Well, I'm ready for anything." In my brain I was ready for anything. Um- It ended up being good. I mean, we're here now Yeah, it ended up being good. I mean- He has no stab wounds I- Has all his limbs You know, I was p- when… I had always told her, "If you want out, just say you want out, and we're out." Yeah Uh, she was afraid that that was not going to actually happen.

12:52 You know what? I- And I, because I know him You know, the relationship is- Yeah … more important to me than anything else. And you don't like to be embarrassed And- And you would have to, literally you would have to break up with people Yeah. Well, I, at that point- You were already… Yeah … I was actually out of a relationship. So yeah, no, I was- Yeah … I was good. But- But, like, things like that There are things to consider. My thing is this: in every relationship you gotta ask what the priority is - Mm-hmm … uh, for both of y'all. Mm-hmm Now, if this is something that it's, it's priority that you guys are monogamous and that y'all don't actually do this and, and you just can't look past it anymore, like, this is everything, then you have to be prepared to lay all that out on the line. And if his priority is the relationship- Mm-hmm … no matter what's awakened in him non-monogamously, he's going to put away whatever he has to to do the relationship.

13:40 I know I was prepared to. Yeah, or find a balance. I mean, we know of some people who just talk the talk. You know? Just the t- They don't actually play with anyone They don't play with anybody. They just talk the talk. They just are in the community I mean, Adam and I, everyone thinks, oh, we just, we play, play. We, we do a lot talking, a lot of talking. We play with each other. Yeah. But, um- I mean, it is what it is, right? We, we have kids, we're busy I mean, we, we play with others. Don't get us wrong. Yeah I mean, it's not like we're not a, we, we act like- We play we're pretty active. She's downplaying that quite a bit. We're pretty active in the lifestyle. But the thing about it is, is every time we go out- Yeah … if we don't play with others, that's totally cool. That's okay Because we're gonna play with each other. Mm-hmm So being a part of this community doesn't mean that you have to play with others.

14:24 People in this community, sometimes they're just exhibitionists. Sometimes they just like being around people, and then they go behind closed doors and they have their fun- Mm-hmm … with themselves. So you don't actually have to play with anybody in order to still be in the lifestyle- Correct … and this community. So y'all have been married for well over 20 years. So I'm gonna say you're- They've been in the lifestyle three to five years … so you're kind of, you're probably our age, if not maybe a little, maybe a little younger or a little older. So you're probably around my age. I'm 48. Now- I'm 44 … menopause. Oh. Hormones.

15:04 Hormones. Hormones, menopa- well, hormones change. For men and women. Men, men are going through midlife crisis. Women are going through perimenopause or menopause, right? It's a thing. It's a thing- Right … homie. So take that into consideration, like Write yourself a list of what of the lifestyle you do not like. Because there's certain aspects of the lifestyle I'm sure you do not like. It's not so much what he's doing or what y'all are not doing, it's something in the lifestyle. And then you said h- something awakened in him. What was that? Can y'all bring that back into your, your lifestyle as monogamous people?

15:48 Yeah. I mean, is that… I- is it a kink? Is it something- Ex- exactly … is it something that you can just dirty talk- Yeah … with each other? Like- You know? Ex- yeah. Yeah Like, it doesn't always have to be an action. So figure out what that is, and that's, like, my best advice. Figure out what it is, girl. Write it down. Think about it. Like, really think about it, and then write down another, like, list of what makes you happy in the lifestyle. Are there any things that make you happy? Like, I love… I don't like to wear bras or underclothes, but oh my goodness, I love to wear them at the club. Yeah. Like, I love to put on the lingerie. I love my husband to look at me. I love people to watch.

16:28 Like, there's certain things you like, and there's certain things you don't like. Yeah. So, like- Yeah, and really that's, that's where we all get caught up is, well, I'm not an actual member of this community if I don't play with other people. Yeah. Or if y- you know, it's like all or nothing. It's the same thing that I realized when we were poly. When w- when we were poly, I thought, "Well, we're not poly if I'm not actively looking for another relationship." Yes. Yeah. And- Yeah … looking back on that, just hell, even saying it out loud, I feel so stupid. Because that is silly. For you to be a part of a community does not mean that you have to actively be dating. It doesn't mean that you have to actively be playing with others.

17:10 Like, whatever it is, you don't have to be active in doing anything. You can still be a part of the community. We are an all-inclusive community. Mm-hmm. Um, and now, like you were saying, sweetheart, you know, d- really write down what you don't like about it. But also write down what you do like about it. Yes. What is there that you enjoy? That's what I was saying, like your lingerie- Yeah … your sexiness, like- Is it the community? Mm-hmm. I- are, are there friends to be made? Mm-hmm. Because you can be friends with people and not sleep with them. We have plenty of those. Plenty of those. Yeah. Um, it's, it's not just about sex, even though the, this specific portion of the lifestyle- Yeah … seems to be primarily about sex. It's more about sexual freedom, and it's more about connecting with like-minded people.

17:53 Mm-hmm. Um, there are a lot of people that we're friends with that we're probably never gonna have sex with 'cause the vibe's not there. Mm-hmm. But we're great friends with them. Yeah. You know what I mean? And also, like, we were talking about, like, your hormones and stuff, right? Your libido changes. Yeah. I do not have a very high libido. Adam does. Yeah. Um, if I'm not, like, on my hormone patch, I'm- Like just muscle mo- muscle memory like that. You know what I mean? Like, I'm just doing it to do it. Um, so look into that, and let me tell you that this is going to be a very uncomfortable conversation. It will, for both of you. This is going to be a very uncomfortable conversation.

18:35 Um, I will also kind of just let you know, if you want like a, like a little list, I do have something that I can share with them. Yeah. Um, I've created like a little list of like your pros and your cons and what you like and how to actually speak to your partner about this, because girl, I've been there. I have been there many times. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Many times. So figure it out. Yeah, so be on the lookout for that. We'll probably have something offered on our website about that. Yeah. But, you know, it, it, it's, it's very… It's a difficult conversation to have. It is. It's uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable. But you know, if you're with your spouse, most, most couples need to learn how to communicate like that.

19:16 If you can't have a difficult conversation with your spouse- Yeah … then y- you're in trouble. Yeah. And you kind of like, Adam and I, we do this, "Hey, I need your be- I need best friend ears right now. Like, I just need you to listen to me." That means don't react. Don't react. Don't say anything. Let me do it. Okay, now I need husband now. Here's, here are my things that I like, and now I want you to talk to me about them. Here's the problem. I need you to solve it. Yes. That sort of thing. Um, and I hope that y'all guys can communicate like that because you need to have that. That is like probably tool number two in the lifestyle. Mm. You have to be able to bring up those- Uncomfortable conversations And I can't emphasize this enough, you should do it sober.

19:59 Yes. It should be a sober conversation. Yes. Um, alcohol or anything else should not be, uh, introduced- Yes … at all during this conversation. Because obviously alcohol is a depressant. Yes. Uh, so if you guys are drinking and all of a sudden it's brought up, it's no good. So look, look male subjects. It's hard for us women to communicate as much as it's hard for y'all to communicate. This is not an argument. This is just your female partner coming into your little bubble and saying, "Hey, I'm feeling uncomfortable about this. I don't like this. I really wanna stop." And you know, stopping may not be forever, it may be just a pause.

20:43 Maybe you just need a pause and y'all need to reawaken whatever it was that got y'all together. True. You know, I'm gonna take it even further than that from the guy perspective- Yes … just to continue on with that. Yes. Is something I had to learn was to let your guard down and let your pride go. W- when my wife would bring up something that she didn't like, I would get very upset. Yes. And I would get very defensive- Yes because it's like, "What the hell? You don't trust me? What the hell?" You know, "What's your problem?" Or he felt, like, blamed. You know, yeah. Like I was blaming him for something. I felt like I was being attacked. Or coming in as a child. Yeah. Oh, that was the worst one. But it took me some time to realize it's not about that.

21:25 She's not trying to bring this up because she wants to make me feel like this. She's bringing it up because it's a very valid feeling that she's having, and she has no other way to explain it. Mm-hmm. And so all I can do is let go of that pride, let go of that anger, and just listen to what she has to say, and just process it. Like, you don't have to say anything. You can sit there and just go, "I'm gonna need a minute"- Yeah … and just process it. And then you can sit back and go, "Okay, here's my response." Mm-hmm. And it, it sounds very, um, very easy on paper, and it's n- it's not easy. Yeah. But the more you attempt it, the more you do it, the easier it becomes.

22:09 And, and it's, if your relationship is your priority, you're gonna be willing to do that for your spouse- Mm-hmm … is to not react, to sit back and go, "Okay, let me listen to you." And if this is something that she's brought up before and you felt like it was something that was just, you're just being a jealous wife, or you're just being naggy, you need to really hear the warning signs- Mm-hmm because she's probably not being naggy. She's probably saying it for a reason, and you're not actually listening to it. So if you'd actually spend the time and sit there and actually listen and absorb it, and, and, and try- You probably won't have to hear it again.

22:49 Yeah Believe it or not, and then it won't be naggy. And also, if y'all wanna take this even further, there are pro- there are probably ENM counsels- counselors around your area. Um- That's true … you know, if y'all really wanna stay in the lifestyle or you, you don't really know where to go from here, um, and you have the funds, look up counseling. Look up, um, specifically ethical non-monogamy counselors in your area or nearby. And, um, we've had a, we've had a few on our show. Um, so please feel free to, to look back on any of the shows and get their information, um, because- Yeah … there are a lot of, if you… There's a, a lot of building blocks to this lifestyle.

23:33 You just gotta figure out if you wanna stay in it or you don't. Yeah, you know, if you go to our website, beyond-monogamy.com, there's an area there where you can click on the guests, and as you go down, it'll say what the specialty the guest has, and it actually links you to their, uh, their past episode so you can listen to it. Well, look at that. Uh, so if, if from there you wanna contact them, their contact info is la- laid out there for you. Look at that. He's made it so easy for you. Oh my gosh. I know. It's so cool. But- Uh, you know, you have y- you have definitely a real, uh, a real situation … she, she said that, or you know, she said it was, it was an ugly subject. It's a- Yeah … it's not a very sexy subject. It's a very real subject.

24:14 It is a very real thing. And let me tell you, there are people- It's a real part of the lifestyle … there are a lot of people that, um, don't know how to get out of the lifestyle. Maybe one partner does and one partner doesn't. You know, they take a pause or they just stop, you know, stop altogether. So figure out something that'll work for you. I hope that you guys really do find the way to communicate and have those uncomfortable conversations. They're very important. Yeah, yeah. You know, a l- you guys have been together for 20 years or so. You already know that it is very give and take, and any relationship that lasts that long, you guys have had, uh, I'm sure bouts of give and take, give and take. E- everything's a negotiation.

24:54 Yeah. Maybe, "If you give me this, I'll give you this," sort of thing. Um, work it out. See, see what you guys can come up with that is satisfactory to you both. Mm-hmm. Um, or if you have to, just get out of it altogether. I mean, that's, that's really- Yeah … sometimes that's the only option for some people, and as long as both are okay with it, yeah. There you go. There you go. And to whoever sent this in, thank you very much for trusting us with something that's very vulnerable and very real. We hope this helped even a little. Yeah, yeah. Hopefully. All right, real quick, hold up your hand for a second. Why? What are we doing?

25:34 We're doing the SwingTap plug. This is the wedding ring on my hand. And this is the bracelet on my wrist, which I haven't taken off since we've gotten it. Yeah, you really should- … 'cause you gotta clean yourself. Yeah. But before we even get into the wearables, SwingTap is actually a whole platform. You sign up, one-time fee, no subscription, and you build yourself a lifestyle profile. Photos, preferences, all of it. And once it's built, you get your own custom link and a QR code. So instead of trying to remember your SDC username or spelling out your kick across a loud bar- You just share the link or flash the code, and then it's done and that is where the wearable comes in. Because instead of even pulling out your phone, you can just show them the QR code once they tap your little wearable thing here.

26:20 Yeah, I mean, it really is that simple. You just tap. You tap the rings, the bracelets. They even do NFC cards. Oh, that's right. It's really cool. Yeah. Someone taps their phone to mine, my whole profile pops up. Mine just looks like a wedding ring from across the room, so nobody's the wiser until you want them to be. Same with my bracelet. It's genuinely the smoothest setup we've found for events, meetups, the boat, wherever. Build your profile once, then just tap wherever you go. That's right. Go check out the platform and the wearables. SwingTap.fun. Links in the show notes. Use our link SwingTap.fun/share/BeyoMono. It supports the show, too.

27:00 Tap in, literally. All right, back to the episode. Let's, uh, shift gears 'cause, uh- Mm-hmm … that one was a little heavy. This next one is a lot more fun, but honestly, just as real for a lot of you. All right. So yeah, this one came in through our messages, and it's a good one for anybody who's ever frozen up at a pool party or just a party in general. Yeah. So this question is from a guy, again, no names, and he's asking specifically for the ladies. Okay. Let's read it. Here we go. Well, I'm a lady. You are a lady. Do you want me to read it? Do you wanna read it? I don't know. Let's see. Do I have to do it in a boy's voice? No.

27:41 All right. So, I have a question. Maybe it can be answered on the show. So my question is for the ladies. So me and my wife started attending a lifestyle clothing optional pool party. So far, we have three visits under our belts, and as a newbie, I notice the people who are already… who already know one another get to playing pretty quickly, and I always have an issue shooting my shot. Meanwhile, I turn around and I see my wife just surrounded by guys, like minutes of us going into the pool. My problem is, I don't like it… My problem is, I don't like to just approach women that don't show me obvious interest in me, but then I find out later that they were interested but were waiting for me to make my move, but I hesitate for fear of coming off as pushy or creepy.

28:29 So with all that being said, for the ladies, what are the signs that you give off that we, as thick-headed men, let go completely over our heads, that we can look out for? Hmm. And ideally, how would you like to be approached? Like, what is a good icebreaker to not only start a conversation with you, but to also get the, get the sexy point? Love, love, love the show. I listen regularly. I hope I get to hear the questions answered on the show. Love all you sexy people. Keep on going. Yeah. Sorry, I kinda… He's a, he's a way better reader than I am. Um, so oh. I mean, this is a really good question for you because, uh- Signals.

29:11 Okay, signals … yeah. You've- Um- We, we've talked about this, I think Um, I gotta say this really quick, because first off, way to go. I love that y'all are going to parties. Um, they're, you know, parties are, are kind of, can be overwhelming sometimes. Yeah. Um, now Are y'all to- are y'all together going into the party? And then at the pool she's getting surrounded. And does she like that? Is that her thing? What is y'all's… Like, there's so many questions, like, what's y'all's dynamic? So I'm just gonna kinda put it as ours.

29:54 Okay. We go in, we go in, we're holding hands, we're locking arms. We're usually, yeah. Yeah. We're usually touchy-feely. And we go into the pool. Mm-hmm. Nobody fucking approaches me. That is not true. Get outta here. So, um, sometimes, yeah, men will come up, especially if they've never seen me, um, in person or I've never attended any of these parties. Um, they will kind of come up to us. Okay, but you have your three, three parties down. Yeah, they'll come up. But You know, I'm not, I'm not that person, so- You're not really good at, at, uh, being approached. I have seen guys who are confident at parties have literally come up to you when we've been together, uh, shaked, uh, shook your hand- Uh-huh … and introduced themselves to you, and then introduced themselves to me, and went right back to you with the attention and proceeded to say how beautiful you were and, and- Yeah and that sort of thing.

30:55 Real quick, and then be on their way. And, uh, that has always worked for you. Yeah. And I mean, if you come off… So I would say if you see a woman there, and y'all are in the pool, make small talk. First of all, jerky jerks, I hope that y'all are at least saying hi to the husband before you're, like, sharking the wife. You can add in something. I mean, you know. Yeah. You go up to the husband and be like, "Hey, I'm blah, blah, blah," because he's gonna get a vibe for you, and then, "Hey, I'm blah, blah, blah. Okay," and then you and I start talking. Like, make small conversation. Don't tell me I'm beautiful. Don't tell me I'm hot, because that's just the lamest shit ever.

31:38 And talking to a woman's tits- Doesn't work … not a good idea. Because I'm gonna tell you, we're at a lifestyle thing. We know we're hot. We know y'all want us. But make it specific. I will say that from, from just my standpoint, how I, uh, would talk to any woman in the pool- I kinda know what you do … well, what do I do? You always tell them, "Hey, you're, you're looking smoking hot," which I just said was lame. Yeah, but it's all about how you say it, okay? First off, there are certain women that you know you can say that to, and- Most women … it will be accepted- Yeah … as a compliment. Yeah. But it's also how you say it.

32:19 Um, if I'm staring at somebody creepily, which I would never do, but if I'm staring at somebody creepily and I'm talking straight to her tits- I'm the creep starer. and I'm going, "Hey, you're smoking hot," yeah, no, that's not gonna work. You know, I say it in a jovial, fun way like, "Hey, look at you. Damn." Um- … you know, sometimes switch it up. Yeah, he doesn't do it in a lame way. I will say, like, whenever I, I, if I meet a, a couple There's two things that I have to do. The first thing is I have to find something that I can compliment both of them on. And the other thing is I wanna make the husband feel comfortable with my presence. Mm-hmm.

33:00 Because I can flirt with a woman all day long, but if the man's not comfortable with my presence, then everything goes out the window. Mm-hmm. So when we meet couples, the first thing I do is, what's one thing that I can say about both of them? You know what I'm saying? So I'll introduce myself, and I'll look at her, and I'll be like, "Man, you, you are wearing that dress like bam," you know? Um, and then from there, I turn my attention to the husband and I'm like, "Wow, they… I like that shirt, you know, you've got good taste. I like, you know, this…" E- even if you don't believe it, I mean, it's something that y- is, is very nice- Mm-hmm uh, to say, and it makes people feel comfortable. It makes them feel like, "This is a person that I can easily talk to." Uh, and then you just go into a regular conversation.

33:45 It doesn't have to be sexually charged. Uh, and you talk to both of them. Yeah. And then eventually, as the cu- the couple gets more comfortable with you, the guy will s- a lot of times turn his attention elsewhere because he realizes that the two of y'all are talking. Mm-hmm. And then it gets a little bit easier to, to have that one-on-one conversation. That's the way it has worked for me, honey. I mean, you… Yeah. And, and remember that your wife is there for you, too. So, like- Yeah … if you need a little bit of help, like… She can be a good wingman. She could be a good wingman, you know? She could be like, "Hey, um-" "Hi, I like your bathing suit." Well, I mean, if it's all, you know, something about their sunglasses or something, just mention something, their hair, or, "Wow, how do you keep your hair so pretty and you're in the water?

34:41 Like, does it mess it up? Like I know you're a guy, but…" Come up with a question. Um- Yeah. You know what? And break the ice. It makes it look like you're really into it. Yeah. And- You know, the, the big thing is women don't wanna feel objectified- Yeah … unless it's time to feel objectified. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, they're okay feeling objectified in the bedroom, like actually in bed because it's sexy time. Yeah. But up until then- Outside, no … it, you, you're, they're a real person. Yes. You should be interacting with them like they're a real person. Yes. You know what I mean? Like I've have, I have guys that I've had sex with, and they are still super respectful. Yeah. You know? Um, also, I forgot what I was gonna say.

35:22 Sorry. That's okay. Don't come off… The confidence and arrogance. So I'm gonna say most women know what kind of man you are as soon as you walk up. Yeah? I think so. Really? I feel like we sh- I feel like we're all in… We all have this, like- Intuition? … douchey bag monitor on our brains. And we know when the guy is being a douche or he's being cool, you know? Yeah. Oh, I know what I was gonna say. This is for my women. Give the guys a little break, okay? And I'm saying, and you're, and you're hearing this from a person who absolutely loves women way more than I do men, okay?

36:08 Um, but give them a little break because they're nervous. We are exceptionally hot. We are all very beautiful. We're very intimidating. I mean, shit, we intimidate each other. Um- Yeah … so we're walking in, we are these beautiful angels, sexy machines that they just wanna have fun with, and it's hard for them. It's, it's not easy for you guys because I feel like rejection hits y'all more than it hits us women You know, I've, I used to think that, but I actually know a lot of women that are afraid to do certain things because they've been rejected in the past. I mean, I'm one. Yeah.

36:48 And I'm one. Yeah. But, but I'm saying, like, I feel like you guys have the higher of feeling rejected. Like, it, it affects you guys a… Like, y'all… I see it more for men than I do for women in the lifestyle. Well, I think more men get rejected than women. That's what I'm saying, yeah. Yeah, for sure. That's what I'm saying. For sure. That's what I just said. Oh, I didn't understand. I thought you c- I thought you meant as far as, like, handling rejection. No, no, no, no. I meant, like, you guys get rejected way more than just women. Oh, yeah, absolutely. So, I mean, so y'all have that, right? So women, let's give them a little break. Like, they don't know, not all of them know how to read the room, but if you're interested and the guy comes and says hi to you, like, if you're interested, make a little bit of conversation.

37:30 Guys, if they're not having a conversation with you, it's probably because they just don't wanna talk to you. Oh, dude, read the room. Um, I, I, I've seen too many times a guy will come up to talk to my wife when we're together, and they're not good at reading the room. And so, you know, there's, there's a time where you can make your introduction, you can do a little bit of small talk, but at some point she's gonna start looking away. Mm-hmm. At some point- Mm-hmm … her attention's not gonna be really into whatever it is you're saying. Read that room and say, "Okay, now's a good time to make my exit," instead of just lingering. Yeah, and I mean, if you are interested and you know the guy is interested, women, like, yeah, go up to them.

38:15 Be like, "Er, hey. Hey, I was chatting with you the other day," you know? Come up with something y'all chatted about. "Did you finish that report you were doing at work," or, "Was work busy?" I mean, anything. If you know they're interested, make it a little easier for them because- Maybe they don't know what your dynamic is You know, I, I, I will say that if you want to be good at, um, I guess having more attention from women, conversation is, is, is a big thing. Um- Making a woman laugh is right up there … But just being able to have conversation, period.

38:56 Yeah I mean, not everybody has that ability, and that's really where I lucked out, is I've always been good at conversing. But everybody I talk to, I feel like they're a guest on the podcast. So I'm, I'm, I'm asking, uh, very active questions about them. I do the same thing and you make fun of me. You're like, "You always talk like you're on the podcast." I'm like, "I know, 'cause I'm always on the podcast." Well, honey, I'm not making fun of you. I'm just being jovial about it when I say it. See? That's what he calls jovial. It's jovial. Uh, but, you know, l- learn how to converse. Yeah If, if you don't know, uh, definitely learn. Uh, and if you already know, uh, use that opportunity to practice it. Now, I… It's very distracting to watch your wife with a bunch of guys around.

39:38 Uh, but if that's something that you guys have discussed and you're like, "Okay, well, you're gonna go ahead and do your thing and I'm gonna attempt to do mine" Yeah Uh, we've said that before and it's like, yeah, I shouldn't have said that because I look across the room and there's, she's surrounded by guys and girls. And I'm sitting off to the side by myself trying to give fuck me eyes and nobody's even looking at me. So it can be rough to, to try and figure that part out, but, you know, you're not gonna know unless you try. Yeah Uh, but if that's not a part of your dynamic and you're actually together, well then when people surround your wife, they, they should be surrounding you as well. Yeah And you should be active in that conversation. Or, yeah, or, like, go up to your wife and be like, give her a good kiss and be like, "Hi, guys" We're, we're all over each other all the time "Hi, guys. How are you?" So as, as people come and talk to my wife, they know that they're not just gonna be talking to her, they're gonna be talking to me, too.

40:25 And also, take breaks. S- take some breaks. If y'all are going to this party, like, take, take a, a minute really quick just to kind of get back to each other and be like, "Yeah, I'm having a hard time, um, making my first move on these women." Like, maybe your man needs a little pep talk, girls. Let's give it to them, you know? Yeah, you know, and sometimes as a guy, I, you know, me personally, I don't, I don't feel sexy. Yeah Uh, and I'm like, I, I don't think that people- Yeah … are looking at me. Like, we went to this- I don't think they're interested in me, and then you'll bang my, my brains out and I'll walk out being like, "Uh-huh, I don't give a fuck" Yeah, I can go. "I'm feeling good either way," you know? Like, we went to the pool party, um, a, a takeover and we're at the pool and we had friends there. They were on the other side of the pool. I was like, "Oh, my honey," you know?

41:08 I've been all over him for, like, two days. "Let me find somebody else." And so I went and I got our friends, our friends came over here to the corner with us and we were all chatting, and then honey is, is making out with one of our friends. And so it's like Just never know … help him out. Yeah. Help him out a little bit. Yeah. You know, I mean, it, it's a give or take sometimes. Yeah. But, uh, it's definitely conversation that you wanna have with your partner. Yeah. And, uh, figure out how y'all can best divvy it up, so to speak. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. How are we gonna… W- who, who does what? How are we gonna do our parts here so that we both have a good time doing this? Because, you know, like we established, women are always gonna have the attention- Yes … of men and women.

41:51 Yes. That's just the way it is. It is. Uh, and not to take away anything from anybody, but it really doesn't matter what a woman looks like. Um, there's somebody out there that's gonna find them attractive enough- Yes … to be giving them attention. Uh, men, it doesn't matter how hot you are or how hot you think you are, if you don't have an attractive woman by your side and you just walk in by yourself, uh, you'll get an eye or two and that's where it'll stay. Uh, not a lot of people go up to single males or what appears to be single males. Um, doesn't matter what you look like. Yeah. You know? No, that's true. So that's just a guy thing.

42:31 Mm-hmm. Yeah. Like, you know? They, they really- You really have to have something to offer and you have to be the one to make the connection. Yeah. You have to be the one to make the move. And don't be scared. We're… I mean, just put in your brain that not everybody's for everybody. Yeah. I know that, you know, it's, um, not everybody is for everybody, but you already know, you already said that there were some women that said they were just waiting for you. You got your in, dude. Yeah. You've got your in. Like, that's an in right there. You can go up to them and just have small conversation and then you can ask them, "Hey, um, do you wanna go play or can I make out with you?" Or like whatever they're comfortable with. Like, you've got your in. You've got your in. You've got it. Yeah. And you know- You got this … the other thing is too, is, and, and this is just from my own personal, uh, side of it, I, I've been at places where my wife was getting all the attention and I was getting zero attention- Mm-hmm … and when I would try and go on my own and do that thing.

43:25 The coolest thing that you can do is when you're ready, you go, "Okay, well, I didn't, I didn't get anything from anybody. I didn't get any attention. My wife's over there." You walk into that crowd of people, you kiss your wife, and you say, "Come on, babe. Let's go, let's go bang it out." Okay. And you take her away from all of that, because you know what? That is your spouse. Mm-hmm. And the two of y'all are gonna connect. That's very hot, by the way. And that's, that's fucking hot right there. Yeah. Uh, and then the two of y'all can come back out and, you know, you just made a statement right there in front of everybody. Mm-hmm. And your wife did as well. Mm-hmm. And people are gonna know that. You know? You just set the tone. I like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's, I think it's frigging hot. Yeah. Honestly. So, uh, yeah, so all in all, what do you think?

44:09 I think these were two really great questions and stuff, and I hope that we gave y'all enough, um, information to go on and to be confident to have these conversations and also be confident to not be creepy and go and say hi to these women. You know, I, I think the fact that you even messaged to get advice on that means that you care. You… Yeah. Exactly. So you, you've got this. Like, I think you're overthinking it. Um, don't overthink it. You don't s- you don't seem creepy because you're asking for advice, so you don't give off the creepy vibes, um, because then you wouldn't have asked for advice.

44:54 Right. You know? You're asking 'cause you wanna learn. Um, just be j- be upfront and honest. Be upfront and honest. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And to that listener, go get him. Confidently, not creepily. That's right. All right, that's our mail bag for this week. Huge thank you to everyone who sent something in. Whether we read it on the air or not, we see every single one of them. Yeah, and if you got a question, a confession, a rant, whatever it is, lifestyle, ENM, kink, the show itself, anything, head over to beyond-monogamy.com and drop it in our confessional. It's 100% anonymous, so say whatever you need to say. That's right. Ugh, and while you're on the site, go ahead and check out our merch, catch up on past episodes, and read the blog.

45:38 It's all there. Yes, and we're also on Full Swap Radio every Thursday at 2:00 PM and 7:00 PM Central. Go catch us there, too. And if you're looking for the next event that we're gonna be at, well, there's several that are gonna come up, but- There is the one that we have right now that we're touting is Krazy Winter Nights, Kansas City, Missouri, February 19th through the 21st. If you go to krazykasbh.com, the link is in the show notes, you can use the code beyomono when you register and get a good little discount there. Well, actually, we are gonna be at Eden on the 19th. Oh, yeah? Yeah, so. The 19th of? Yeah, so we're gonna be at Eden on September the 19th.

46:19 I know it's a couple of weeks away, so it's not too f- it's not too far away. It's a couple of weeks. It's a couple weeks away, guys. Don't make it- A couple weeks away. Anyway, we're gonna be at Club Eden with our friend, um, with our friend, 'cause we're gonna be doing some, some nice little content. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, brown chicken brown cow. Yeah. Um. That sounds like fun. So our friend will be there, um, Pineapple Jen. Yeah, yeah. She's gonna be there. We're gonna have some fun, and of course she loves… She came to my birthday party and loved Club Eden. Um, or was it, was it my birthday party? It was. And, right, yeah. Mm-hmm. My birthday party. She was like, "Let's go." So we're planning to be over there. So we will see y'all if y'all can make it out to Club Eden. You gotta get your membership.

46:59 Don't forget to do that. Yeah, don't forget to do that. And I think their link is always on our site, so there you go. And as always, you know, if you're out there, you run into us, which we have done. Yes. We just ran into somebody this past weekend. Yeah.. We love hearing from our listeners. Yes. And, uh, we love meeting our listeners. Yeah. And, uh, you know, it's funny, just this past weekend we were at Club Eden on Friday, and we were saying goodbye. I had to… I was taking all the, the stuff back to the bar. Mm-hmm. And there was a couple in front of me. And so I was waiting. Oh, that's right, you said- And the guy looks back at me and he goes, "Hey, you got a podcast, don't you?" And I said, "Yeah." And, and he goes, "Man, I listen to your podcast," and he introduced himself and, and I got to talking to them as a couple.

47:40 And, and, you know, they were just like, "Yeah, the podcast has really helped a lot," you know? Yeah. And, and that sort of thing. And I was like, "How cool," you know? They walked away, and I was like, that was really- Yeah … a really neat interaction. And I left my cups there at the bar, and then I walked away and I realized your panties were wrapped around my neck. Yeah, they were wrapped around your neck the whole… You were, like, walking out. The whole time. The whole time. And, uh, didn't realize that. No. And I was like, I had this whole conversation with a set of listeners, and I had your panties wrapped around my neck. So yeah, we do love to meet our listeners any chance that we get. Mm-hmm. So if you ever go to a thing, be sure and come up to us and say hello. Yeah. So we'll… So we're gonna be there on September the 19th with Pineapple Jen. Well, definitely follow our socials. Yeah. And keep track of that. You can find that all on our website, beyond-monogamy.com.

48:22 Uh, and with that, we thank you all for joining us for another episode. We will see you guys next week. Bye.