Mismatched Sex Drives: When Stress, Meds & Menopause Hit

0:51 Hello and welcome to another episode of Beyond Monogamy. I'm Adam. And I'm Pris. And on today's quickie we are gonna be talking about sex drives, the high, the low, and everything in between. What drives them, what kills them, and what happens when yours and your partners does not line up. Yeah, because there's no normal number here. Some people want it every single day, like yours truly. Some people are good with once a month. Like yours truly. And both of those are fine. But we're gonna break it down a day. Ooh, okay. That sounds like fun. Yeah. Well, you know, I I was thinking about this today specifically, 'cause I'm gonna be honest with you.

1:32 I was very horny today. I'm sure you were. This is everyday people. And and you know, I was gonna text you today about it because I don't Know if so I feel like as of lately there's been a slight slowdown of my normally high sex drive. Yes. and there's been a couple of factors that have been involved in that. But one of them has been I've started some new medications. Yeah. So I've been taking an antidepressant for the past, I guess, month and a half, almost two months. Yeah, it's about a month and a half. And I I don't know if it's in my head or not, but I feel like that was one. the things that has slowed down my sex drive just for sure.

2:12 Now my slow sex drive is somebody else's high sex drive. So yeah, that's that's one thing. But I had noticed I didn't get those I have noticed too horny feelings. Like I wasn't just ~ you know raring to go nonstop like I usually am And today I got real horny during this comes in waves. Yeah. Mm-hmm. But I've noticed I started a second medication for my ADHD recently. Mm-hmm. And I don't know. But I feel like, yeah, it gets me a little jittery, but it also gets me a little sexual. ~ okay. Just a little bit. Yeah. Just little bit. Yeah.

2:52 Yeah. It's weird. I mean Wow. I know. Revelations. Really is weird. I I I have two started I'm I'm in menopause. Yeah. I'm pretty much in the depths of it almost to be over, actually. So woohoo, almost ten years. What I know. and that along with the new medications that I'm taking, I upped my estrogen. Okay. And it was in patch form, but now it's in pill form. And I take a I take something else with a P, I forgot what it's called. progesterone, which is to help me sleep.

3:33 Now, I also am supposed to take Cetriline, but I don't. something was something is is messing with my my my want, my drive. It's definitely coming. It used to always come in waves and now it's like longer waves. Yeah. And I just try not to think over like I don't think about it. Like I tr I when I think about it and I'm like, pff, man, you're really not getting, you know, horny. I just kind of I don't think about it. I'm like, don't overthink it. Like it is what it is. I've always been like this. I've always been like that. I've never really had a a high sex drive. Yeah. I f I always thought you did when we got together. I w I had always said that I had never met a woman who could keep up with my sex drive except for you.

4:17 I well that's different. What do you mean? That's different. Sex drive is i are you thinking that it's something that did you want every s like it's really high because you want it every day? Are you are you gauging the word sex drive on that? Or is it And the w and the want. And the want not just do the doing but the want. The doing and the want. Yeah. It doesn't turn me on to talk about sex. Uh-huh. So thinking about sex, I have to really be thinking about sex. Like not just doing it for a necessity.

5:00 Thinking about it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like thinking about it. and then I can get in a certain mood. But That's not all the time. yeah. Gosh, I have such an issue. Because I I don't think it's an issue. You're Well, you know, it's like I I can be throughout throughout my regular day. Yeah. Something with you will pop up in my head or something else will pop into my head and then and I will get turned on. Okay. Yeah. I mean I think about I think about like that, but it doesn't turn me on. Yeah. To the point where I'm like, ooh, I just wanna have Sex. No. Yeah. Yeah. You know, one one of the things that I know definitely affects my sex drive, like I'd mentioned earlier, was stress.

5:44 And you know, it's it's we've been a little bit stressed the past couple months. And what I've noticed is it's not that it kills my sex drive so much as whenever I'm stressed, you're my security blanket, right? Yes. So what makes me feel good when I'm not feeling good is just cuddling with you. Yeah. Me and you cuddling on the couch or me and you cuddling on the bed, watching TV. That's my safe space. That's that's what makes me feel good. You know what I mean? That's like eating pizza. It's it's it makes me happy. Agreed. You know what I mean? Yeah. and so I find there's been times where we'll be laying together and you'll look at me and you'll be like, Do you want to have sex?

6:29 And I'm like, you know, I I think I'm good right now. I I'm good with this. Yeah. Like this is doing it for me. because flipping that switch will take me out of that feel good zone. Yeah. and put me in a different kind of feel good zone that's only momentary. Mm-hmm. Whereas this is kind of making the stress go away a little bit. Yeah, when we have sex, it is it does give me my happy endorphins. Yeah. So It's not like I'm never there, not even throughout. No. I I get more turned on once we've already started. Right. Then it gets really hot. But it takes a bit.

7:10 It takes a bit. But I I think for me I carry a lot of our stress, I guess. I always have. I think about things that you don't probably think about. I s you know, I my mind works a little way different than yours. So I think that has a lot to do with where I'm at mentally all the time. Yeah. And not really thinking about I have other things to think about. There you go. Okay. You know, and you do well so I d I have other things to think about. I just choose not to. Yeah. You know you pop in my head, but it doesn't do what it does to you. And I wonder if that's like a if that's just a male. When it when I'm at home all day long and you know, I'm rubbing one out like every hour.

7:53 Yeah. Most of the time it's because I'm turned on, but a lot of times it's f the dopamine rush. Yeah. It's it's that That's why I like it in the morning. Yeah. It's that it it it really makes you feel good and it's like, ~ yes. and so before I started these medications, even if I was busy, I would have those thoughts like I want to. Yeah. for the dopamine rush, you know, and stuff like that. Well, I haven't had those Yeah. I like I've actually sat back at the end of the day and gone, Wow, I haven't really thought about this. I mean it's just abnormal for me. It is. That's that's funny. But I mean, a lot of things have changed.

8:35 Yeah, yeah. Age. Yo. You know. Take it easy. weight. Yo, take it easy. You know, it's just stress level. You just got back to work, a new job. Yeah. You work the podcast. Yeah. You do all the content. Time management. Time manag like you o life has just gotten a tad bit difficult. It's gotten busier for sure. Yeah, and so I think this I think things like this affect a lot of people. Like it's not just I think it's the norm in every lifestyle. You think I do. this this is not just a a swinger issue and you know, an E and ~ issue.

9:18 It's actually I think this is a a a human issue that sex drives just don't match sometimes. Yeah, you know, we've talked about mismatched sex drives before and and you know, even in our own relationship because I've always been wanting more. Yes. And you could always take it or leave it. Yeah. and I remember when we first got together and you were like, You're not one of those guys that likes sex all the time, are you? And I'm like, Yeah, I am. Yeah. You know, that's unfortunate, but yeah. and I like it not just as the as far as the action itself, you know, obviously the orgasm's incredible, the dopamine rush is fantastic, but That is a very intimate time for you and I.

10:09 And that's something that we can share together. And it's just, I don't know. I I I'm afraid that if it goes away for me and you already take it or leave it, that that portion is just somehow going to become the new normal. It's going to fade away. That fear is is rightfully in my head. Because I feel like you but but your body is your mind and your body is changing. Like I I don't think I think you think of it is of it as if very manly it's not working. No, I don't think of it that way. Like No, because it's working.

10:50 Yeah. It's working. That's not the problem. It's just if this is gonna be the new is this gonna be the new normal? Is it just a moment in time? Is it the you know the medicine? That I'm taking, like it it's right now it's appearing to be almost a trifecta of of things that are all put together in this perfect storm, so to speak, where I'm feeling a much less sex drive. And that's very, very opposite from what I normally am. And so, yeah, I I don't look at it as a manly thing, but more so that this is a part of me that I've always really enjoyed.

11:32 Okay. Like I enjoy sex. sex. I enjoy as much sex as possible. And if this is just a small blip of time that I'm going through this thing and it recovers eventually, but we get into the norm of Yeah, not so much. Mm-hmm. Can we bounce back into what it could be? You know what I mean? Like it's a fear. Okay. Okay. I mean I guess I don't think about it like that. But I I understand where you're where a fear would come in. it's been something I've always had. Yeah.

12:13 it's like being a fan of pizza and then going on a strict diet and never eating bread again. Right. You're mourning. Yeah. Essentially the loss of something. Now, I'm that's a bit dramatic because I'm not I'm not mourning the loss of our sex life, yeah, it's not gone. We we still have sex. Yes. we just don't have sex as often. Yeah. You know what I mean? and And I am a take it or leave. Like I'm like I know. I know. So if I'm not there and I'm not instigating it, will you instigate it? You know what I mean? Like if you're a take it or leave it, probably not. We'll probably just be like Let's go get a sandwich. You know what I mean? it's just I'm down.

12:54 You know? Like I'm like I mean I I see where you're coming from. I don't I don't think it's something you need to worry about, but I see why you worry about it. It's like I can sit back and go, Well, this is not something that I really need to be worrying about. There's and there's a lot of things I could be worrying about. And I mean, it's kind of like if one is down, pick up the other one. Do you know what I mean? So like if you're not instigating it, I'm going to instigate it. Yeah. even if I'm not in the mood. But y and but you know that's here's and here's the other part of it too is if my sex drive dies out and we don't talk about it and we don't communicate about it like we currently are, if it dies out, you're gonna think that it has something to do with you.

13:48 No. Really? I'm past that. Are you? I am so past that. Wow. Yeah, I'm not that I'm not that that woman. No. hell no. I know what I do for you. Yeah. Yeah, no. I have no insecurity in in in that at all with you. You know, I I always think that if I was asexual, I probably would have been more productive in my life and maybe even graduated way sooner from college. but I've always felt like I've had a sexual problem. I've always just gone at it a lot. ~ just wanted it, wanted it, wanted it, wanted it. And a lot of it, like I said, is that dopamine. you're that person.

14:28 you your sex drive can go back to when you were young. Mm-hmm. You know, the ignored child and now you want something that brings you The happiness, and that is what you brought you the happiness at that time. Yeah. So it's just stuck with you. I'm over here, I'm not complaining. We still have sex every single day. And I know that there's couples out there who have sex maybe once a week or once every couple of weeks. We have sex every single day. most mornings, it's like twice in the morning. Yeah. the only difference is The only difference is is that now we're having less sex in the evening. Yes. And we talk about it. Yeah. We talk about it during the evening. And it's like, man, when we get home, I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do that.

15:11 And then we get home and we do, we cook, we get the house clean, we get ourselves ready for the next day, and then we end up in bed. Let's go to sleep. I'm okay with that. I'm so I love having sex with you, but in the evenings I'm so mentally exhausted. Now does it take something mentally for you to have sex with me? No. You can just say, Hey, I want to have sex and I'd be like, Okay, let's do this. So the mental exhaustion part, how does that be tired? Okay. I'm sleepy. I got like I'm off my meds and they're higher meds. So and I'm doing school. And so I am mentally just tired.

15:55 So when we get to the bed, I'm like, God, I really want to get under this blanket and go to sleep already. Yeah. And we've gone to bed. Yeah. And I think Maybe right now, that's probably the new norm right now. I d I don't I personally don't think it's forever. I think it's gonna bounce back. part of the lack of desire feel i i i is surrounding by the fact that I don't feel sexy and I know that you don't feel sexy. I just told one of our friends, I was like, Yeah, no, I don't wanna go to the club. I don't feel sexy and I have to feel sexy because that's just The way it is. I never thought that I had to feel sexy. But I totally do.

16:36 And I think the hardest thing is that I've gained weight. Yeah. And so I've I went out there, I lost weight, and I felt like my sex drive was even higher and I was doing real good. And then of course I lost my job and I was at home for a year and things just got out of control. Yeah. And now, well, hell, the alarm goes off in the morning. And I'm just like, no, I don't want to get up. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to leave this this bed until I absolutely have to. Yeah. it's very cozy. It's it is very cozy. The house is super cold and we're just like cuddled, and it's like Yeah.

17:18 And it's really hard to break from that. and I know that the mental discipline can be there if I put it in, but part of me kind of doesn't want to. Yeah. And I don't know. maybe that's a part of the depression of being fat. But I'm like, well, it is this. It is 'cause I even I'm like that. I'm like, God man, I don't wanna I I if my regular clothes don't fit me, I am not and and I don't feel like I f look good, I am not gonna wear lingerie. Yeah. Like it's just not it's just what it is. Like I don't feel pretty. I'm not gonna go. It's anywhere, you know? Yeah, yeah. I think I'm there.

17:59 Are you I think I'm there. I I'm saying this now on the show. If you're listening to this on a Wednesday and you're an avid listener of the show, shoot us a comment and ask if I got up this morning to go. walk because that's what I'm gonna do. All right. I'm gonna get up at regular time like I used to. I'm gonna walk the neighborhood. I'm not gonna go to the gym. Okay. But I gotta start somewhere. Yes. Right? And that's how I started last. So I'm gonna get up and whether you stay in bed or not. You know, you're a walker. I love the gym. Yeah. So if you get up, I'll head out to the gym, you do that, and I'll meet you back at home.

18:39 Sounds good to me. So we're saying it. All right. We're saying it. We're gonna own this. We're gonna own this. Now we have to. Yeah. Because that's accountability, baby. You know what mean? but I have noticed that because of the meals that we eat sometimes where it's just like I mean we we love food. Yeah. And We love snacks and we love sweets and yes, it is what we're doing and what we're doing it to ourselves. We are fully aware. So we definitely have to make some changes because it's it's not it's not healthy, you know?

19:21 And It's not fun. That's true. That's true.

20:22 Now you you said that you always had your a relatively low sex drive. Yeah. And you could really take it or leave it. But and I remember when you hit Menopause, You made it real clear your sex drive was dead. Yeah. you were like you you had a whole conversation with me about it and you were like, Look, I I don't want you to think that it's you. This is something that I'm going through. It's hormones and I I'm just not the want is not there. And I understood. and it seemed like it stayed like that for a while. And then one day with a flip of a switch, it seemed like you were overly high sensitive. I have my moments. Yeah? Yeah. And what do you think about affects that in you.

21:05 I think life. What do you mean? I think I'm more centered and more calm. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm more relaxed. On on the days that that happens. On the days that that happens. Like you're just relaxed. I'm just relaxed. I'm not thinking about things. I'm not overthinking. And I'm like, okay. I could see the week and I'm like, wow, that's gonna be a good week. And it's like, okay. Nothing else that's gonna distract me. Wow. Yeah. it I I really utilize sex and orgasming as a way to distract from the stress of my life. Yeah. Yeah. I I my brain doesn't do that. Hmm. At all. Now I know that one of the things that I'm gonna have to do, you know, we have those tests from Pro D X Health.

21:49 Yeah. one of which is a hormone test. Yeah, I'm gonna have to try that. Yeah. because I don't know where my testosterone numbers are. You know, mine were low. Yeah. But with this me these mes, they're they're trying to really see if they if they raise it. Well, you remember a couple of years ago when I was in the peak of my fitness. Yeah. I did my tests and my numbers were high. Yeah they were actually high. Yeah. I wonder now. Things have changed. Things have changed. You know, also, I don't sleep that well. I've noticed you've been saying So my sleep habits really affect my sex drive as well. we're not really, we don't stay up late, but I really I love sleep when I can get it.

22:31 Yeah. Yeah. Well you deal with hot flashes too. I do. These meds are really helping, so that hasn't been so bad. They really have been helping. They it it they haven't been so bad. So I remember I wasn't sleeping too good because you were so hot that you would generate this heat. Yeah. And I couldn't sleep. I I I'd get sweaty. Yeah. so I have noticed the difference since we started. That's true. That's so weird. I mean, so we have to, right? We're gonna change this. We have to eat better. Yeah. We have to exercise. Yes. So the eating better is not a not a problem. I don't think I feel like we don't need to I really yeah, no.

23:12 us l really low carb keto. Yeah, but it's the activity because now I have this job where I sit all day. Granted there is a gym downstairs. A brand new gym downstairs. And they would absolutely pay me to take time to go do that. Yeah. But just the same as I look at the ceiling in the morning and go, No. I look at the elevator throughout the day and I go, No, I'm not I would love to have a gym so close to I need to. I need to get back into that mental state of okay Okay, let's do this. that's really that that's the part that hurt me the most. Yeah. and we have to sleep better. We do, we need better sleep. We need better sleep patterns. I know that there's a lot of people out there. One of the things that is a struggle, it's not struggle for us, be but it drinking.

23:56 Drinking can really drinking alcohol can really lower your sex drive. Yeah. Yes. And smoking. And smoking. it it is, you know, and honestly, almost I think any kind of extracurricular drug recreational recreational pharmaceutical whatever probably is you know one of the side effects of whatever is happening to you so We talk about it all the time. Yeah. Not not only on the show. we talk about it. I tell you, I'm like, I'm just not feeling it. I'm gonna have to work a little harder right now. Yeah, and that's I I appreciate that kind of honesty because I don't always know when I gotta pick up the bowl and run with it.

24:41 You know what I mean? And that's always the hard part. And that's really what it comes down to, you know, how is your relationship? 'Cause sometimes your relationship can really affect your libido too. Although I've known some people who are toxic as fuck who liked to fight with each other so they could have angry sex. Yeah. My dick don't work. I think that's when people are younger. You think? Yeah, and they just don't know what I don't know. I've heard some older people say it too. I I can't my dick is i it's tied into my emotions. And if I'm mad, it's not gonna happen. Yeah. Like it's too difficult. Yeah. I need my my mental state to be good. Yeah.

25:21 Like it has to be good. And so like yeah, we and I talk about it all the time and we discuss just different things that are just not aligning for us, I guess you could call it. Yeah. And so we we talk about that and And yeah, somebody has to pick up the ball and you have to really have that conversation with each other and have and be honest because you don't know if your partner is thinking, is it me? I I like he like Adam said, I do not ever think that it's me. Because I'm frickin' amazing. There was a time that you did I used to think that was it was a me thing, but it's I I know it's not a me thing.

26:01 Like I don't have that that insecurity or that doubt. See, and there's one thing that we're leaving out here is is that I can I can have low sex drive with you but still masturbate. Hmm. And that has nothing to do with the sexualness of masturbating. It's more so for functionality purposes. You know what I mean? I could still probably do that. Yeah. because a lot of times I do it for the dopamine. Like it's a functionality thing, or it'll wake me up, or it'll put me to sleep, you know, as a natural melatonin. You know, whatever it is.

26:41 and so there are a lot of factors into having sex with my partner. partner as opposed to just rubbing one out. Yeah. ~ I have to make sure that we're both in the same mental state for this to happen. you know. There has to be at least some sort of romantic interaction because neither one of us likes that whole, okay, let's get this over with kind of thing. Like we want to both be into it. Yes. So there's a lot this it there's a whole dance to it that I don't have to do with my dick when I masturbate. Yeah. Like All I gotta do is just take it out, boom, boom, boom, few strokes, switch hands, bam, I'm done.

27:23 Yeah. And and the the problem is is that I shake the bed too much. You know, because that'll wake you up in the morning. So I don't do that. But Really, it it it just really goes to show you just what goes into the simple task of having sex with your partner. It's not so simple. No. There's a lot of stuff that goes into the There's lot of steps. Yeah. There's a lot of steps. And if you're talking about things that are stressing you out, or if you're talking about the kids or you're talking about work and all of that shit is in your head, and then all of a sudden you're going, okay, let's go ahead and make out now. That's a hard transition to make.

28:05 You know? It really is. That is hard to shake and and flip that switch. And sometimes I need some decompression time to just kind of push that shit away. For sure. And blank out in the head and then go from there. Yeah. That's always something that we deal with, like I said, when we're really, really stressed, I think is when we feel it the most. ~ I feel that and when Stress and then when we have a lot of things on our mind that's not even stressful, just things to do. Yeah. cleaning the house or doing our laundry. It's a whole list of stuff. Just life in general.

28:45 Yeah, it really it really can knock the shit out of you. I mean, it's tough. Yeah. and you know, looking at it now, it's been almost two months since we've been out at the club, something that we were doing almost every weekend. We were socializing with friends, socializing with people in the community. We were having our fun and doing our thing. It's been a couple of months. That's how bad it's been. Yeah. Is that we have not even really gone out there. We haven't really talked to people. We haven't hardly done anything. No, we haven't. because it's just been like that. And so I said, you know what? It's time for a change. Good. It's time to change it up. So this guy's gonna get up in the morning.

29:28 When you're listening to this, like I said. It should have happened. if you're overthinking it ~ I do and you feel like your sex drive has maybe gone down some and you're paranoid about it and you're afraid of what your spouse might think or your partner, have the conversation that you just heard us have with each other. because it's not always the easiest conversation. I mean, it's a lot easier for us because we've been doing this podcast for a couple of years now. But it's not always easy to talk to your partner about this kind of stuff. And really it should be. It should be. I don't know why we're so afraid to be honest with our partners. Also talk your doctor.

30:08 Talk to your doctor. therapists. There's a lot of different things that you can do if you feel like this is a deeper issue. Totally. then I would I would start with a doctor, you know, get some labs done, try to figure it out. But also we have that test. Yeah, ProDX Health you know, we we are affiliates with them. so for a fifteen percent off you can use our code BEYOMONO B-E-Y-O-M-O-N-O And those they all they do STI tests at home, but they also do hormone tests for men and women. and you can request some, you can take whenever you want, send them in and they get you all lined up with the with the information, the data straight to your phone.

30:54 What's that other thing that you have that you can wrap around your penis? that's the tech ring from Firm Tech, which we are also affiliates of. And essentially You wear it at night. It's a cock ring that you wear at night. And it's not your typical cock rings that are very uncomfortable and meant to keep you hard. This is more or less suppo it it kind of straps around your shaft and your balls to hold it in place. and it measures how many erections you have naturally throughout your night. it takes that data, sends it to your phone and you can use that data to show your doctor and say, Look, I don't know what this means.

31:36 Mm-hmm. Does this mean I have E D? Does this mean that I have other underlying heart condition or whatever? Like, what does this mean? Right. because a lot of us don't have the real time data to measure that sort of thing. and so yeah, firm tech makes this thing. It is it is really, really cool. and once again, we are affiliates, so you can always go to the sponsor spot on our website and that will tell you everything you gotta do to get a discount. With them. So that's definitely something you want to check out as well. but I really think that everything starts with a conversation with your partner. pinpoint what you think and what they think might be bringing your sex drive down if you've had this late turn.

32:24 Yeah. it could be stress related, it could be something else happening that that you guys haven't even realized. Have that discussion. And you know, make sure that you've got that support at home. And Oshra? Mm-hmm. Wherever you land on the scale, there's nothing wrong with you. Know your body, know your triggers, and talk to your partner about it. Yeah, and when you two are on the same page, Slickwit has you covered. Use our link in the show notes for fifteen percent off. And you can also find it at beyond monogamy.com. Our merch, every episode, our blogs, our sponsors, like I said, Slickwood's there, and our one hundred percent anonymous confessional.

33:09 if you don't Don't know what that is. You're gonna wanna find out. Go over there, scope it out. Tell us where your drive lands. Or anything else that you want to talk about. You can talk about the lifestyle, ethical non-monogamy, kink, or our show. And of course you can catch us on Full Swap Radio every Thursday at two and seven PM Central. And we'll see you at Krazy Winter Nights in Kansas City, guys, on February nineteenth through the twenty-first. Use code BEYOMONO B-E-Y-O-M-O-N-O for discount. That's right. And just a reminder for anybody in the Austin area, if you're gonna be in the Austin area on November fifteenth, twenty twenty-six, that's a Sunday.

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34:35 Definitely check them out. And with that, we thank you all for joining us for another episode, and we will see you guys next week. Bye. Let