Unfair Swinger Rules: The Boundaries That Break Couples

0:07 Alright y'all, before we dive in, a quick heads up. This show is raw, real, and definitely not rated pg. We're talking about adult themes, sexual content, and the kind of stuff you probably don't want blasting through your speakers at work or around your kits. So grab some headphones, pour your drink of choice and get comfy. Oh, and just so we're clear, we are not licensed therapists, counselors, or sex. Couches. Sex coaches. Sex coaches, not sex couches or just a couple of people sharing our lives, experiences and sexy adventures. An ethical non-monogamy.

0:47 So with that, pull up a chair and enjoy the show. And. Hello, and welcome to another episode of Beyond Monogamy. I'm Adam. And I'm Pris. And today on our Wednesday quickie, we're gonna be talking about rules, the ones that sound fair until you're actually living them. That's right. These are the rules that look real cute when you first say them out loud. Yeah. And then there's, three weeks later you're like, Hmm, why am I irritated? Now, before we jump in, if you like these honest conversations, make sure you follow the show. Follow, follow. Share it with someone who might need it, and leave us a review because that really helps us, uh, you know, other people can find us through that.

1:30 Uh, and it just helps us grow in the community. Yeah. 'cause you know, sharing. Karen, oh man. You know, you know, sometimes, you know what I mean? Sometimes, sometimes you say the right thing at the right time. Thanks, Peter. Thank you. Thank you. So with that being said, let's get into this. All right. Uh, so the first being Yeah, no feelings. So I know a lot of couples. Yeah. And I've actually, I think we've talked to a lot of couples about this. Uh, you know, their, one of their top rules is. You cannot catch feelings for anything. Um, I think we had that yeah. For very long time in a different kind of way. But we did I'm gonna say the rule still applies now. This is one of those, let me explain to you what I mean by that.

2:14 There are rules that I keep to myself, like I, I have a role of. Really silly. This man better not be Harding every single post that someone puts. Come on now. Those are my little rules. Does, is he gonna do that? Am I gonna go and verbally tell him that? No, he doesn't know that rule. And if he did, he'd probably be like, bitch, shut the fuck up. And I think I had rules like that. So anyway, I have the one of my rules is no feelings. Now, is that even a possibility? No. No, because feelings are normal. Like Yeah, you can extra like somebody.

2:55 And we've actually had this conversation. I was, I remember like, can you ever fall in love with somebody? And his honest answer was yes. Yeah, but you would never know it. No. He would never tell me that. I would not tell you. And I had to say, wow. Like, I remember getting upset and being like, why? That's, that's holding back, that's not being transparent with me. But he said, if I told you that it would hurt you and I don't wanna hurt you. It's a feeling that I'm gonna have probably, and it's gonna go away. And I was like, oh. All right. That's honest. But yeah, no one cannot not cause, I mean, I can not catch feelings.

3:36 Yeah, you're well, you're pretty well closed off and to relationships, romantic relationships and stuff. But I'm not, my feelings still, if I have a friend that I really, really like, yeah, those feelings still get hurt. Oh yeah. And I still have feelings, like Really? Yeah. Isn't that ing? Yeah. Like, I love my friend, but you don't wanna do that. So you're good with that connection on a friendship. Mm-hmm. Tip. But not on a romantic. No. I can only love Ro love, love someone. Only one person. I can't love more than one person. That makes sense. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. You know, I mean, I don't have a problem with that. Now. My, my big thing was when we talked about it is that obviously you can't control feelings.

4:21 Yeah. No. If you're gonna tell your spouse or if you're gonna tell yourself I'm not gonna have feelings for anybody. Yeah. Then you're gonna be sorely stressed out when it happens. Yeah. Because it happens. It's a normal reaction. Mm-hmm. We're all human. And it really doesn't matter what you have going on at home if you're non-monogamous. And that's just kind of how you feel it's gonna happen. Yeah. And if you bury it deep down inside and you go, well, I'm, I'm not even gonna pretend like this is a thing. Yeah. Then it can cause resentment. Yeah, it can cause health issues, like actual health issues. It can, uh, which is just not good. I'm pretty sure I have an ulcer here and it's named Adam. Yeah, well, I'm pretty sure you have another ulcer there and it's also named Adam.

5:05 Yes. But you know, obviously I, I've told you if it happens, it happens and if, if, if it does happen. Now where we're at. If I feel the need to tell you, I'm gonna tell you. Yeah. And I know it. You're not gonna like it, but it's what it's, and we're moving and yeah. Stop it. You know, you, you're so, you're so big. Talk about that. But you know damn well if it happened and I had a very serious conversation with you. Of course. Yeah. I would. I would be upset with you. Yeah. You'd be upset. Yeah. But you would have to sit back and go, okay, well let's figure this out. I don't know really. What Are you gonna leave me? No. I would be like, okay, so.

5:45 Stop the feelings. Yeah. No, it doesn't work that way. What, what do we do? You don't just stop feeling what do we do? What do we do? Because we're not, we have to stop the feelings. You don't, you don't stop the feelings. Well, I'm still growing and right now I would tell you, obviously if I'm talking to you about it, there's a reason why I'm talking to you about it. Well, of course. But I would be like, okay, so let's stop the feelings. What are we doing? That's not the, I understand that is not a good, that, that is not good at all. No. That is not a good, uh, way to, right. If you're asking me right now without any kind of like, thought through it, yeah. I'd be like, it's what are we doing? Yeah. But stop feelings and telling your spouse to stop feelings is obviously not the right the right move.

6:26 That's not, yeah. That's not a good idea. What's a good idea? It's gonna cause resentment. What's a good answer? A good answer is, well, let's talk about it. Let's figure this out, but not well, whatever you gotta do to stop your feelings. No, that's what I said is, I mean, that's not what I said. How do we stop the feelings? I said, okay, so how do we stop the feelings? No. Yeah. Like you rephrase it right there. D different, you can rewind this. This is, that's a different, that's a different tone. I don't think so. I mean, I know it's not, it's a different tone. I know it's not, logic. That's not you. Can't I get that? Yeah. But that would be my reaction if right now you said, I have feelings for somebody. I'd be like, okay, um, let's figure out how you're not gonna have feelings for those, that person.

7:07 Yeah. Like let's, let's figure this out. I guess so, yeah. I mean that would be my answer. Now, is it thought through? No, it's not. But that's my answer. That's fair. Yeah, that's fair. So. Not a great answer. No. Yeah, I, I totally agree. It's not a great answer, but yeah. It's my honest answer. That's true. That's true. I'd be like, okay, what do we do? Yeah. Well, you know, I mean. Everybody has feelings and it depends on what the situation is, but sometimes people catch feelings and to have that, I, my, I guess my main point of it is if you have that as a rule, you could be setting yourself up for failure. Yes. Yeah. I have a lot of those where I set myself up for failure.

7:49 Really? I can't remember, but I'm pretty sure. Well, uh, let's see here. We got another one here. You, you wanna read that one? Ooh. Approval before anything happens. Mm-hmm. Ah, I think, do we have that one? We do. Um, and not approval. It's not approval. It's it's more of, it's not approval. What would you call it? Um, I wanna know, you want to be included, I wanna be included. Inclusivity at, at least by being told you wanna be included. Yeah. Um, I, I want that respect and I find that, that that is the utmost respect that you can give to your partner. So that right there, that's, that's transparent communication.

8:32 Pressure. Now, am I going to like any e every person? No. No, and I have to be very careful with how I express that to my husband because if I straight up say like, yeah, I don't like her, it's in his head. Oh yeah, he won't, he won't talk to her anymore. No, and I can backtrack. I can, you know, explain my situation and whatever, and maybe that'll work. But he, if he already knows I don't like her. It's for a reason. Is it a good reason? I don't know. In my head it is, but yeah, I can't, that's kind of, I don't know. I feel like an approval would be like, I own you. I mean I do, but we don't have to tell the whole world.

9:13 But I mean this, but this is kind of the point, is that, yeah, even we. Have rules that are obviously unfair. Yeah. They're very unfair. They're unfair. And this is, this is one that would be unfair if I really, really felt strongly about, yeah. Now I'm okay with, with feeling the need to tell you or include you beforehand. To me it's more of a respect. It is, I'm giving you that respect. Yeah. But realistically doesn't match the sexual freedom aspect of, right. Let me just do my thing. Yeah. Trust me. Yeah. You know what I mean? We're there now. Like he can tell me, let me just do my thing. Yeah. And just trust me. And I'm like fine. Begrudgingly whatever, whatever.

9:54 Um, I guess, so I don't, I mean, I don't know. I couldn't Now, although this is an unfair rule, this is not a one-sided rule because it applies, applies to both of us. I was say that it's not that unfair for us because we're both in this. Also you have a kink. I do. So that rule disappears. It can, um, it does. And that's okay for him. But that rule will never disappear this way because that's not my kink. He's very respectful. I, I'm, and so if I were to tell him, Hey, yeah, go have fun. I don't need to know anything. There you go. That rule has disappeared.

10:35 And I set myself up for failure. Hey, nothing bad's happened yet, but yeah, no, um, nothing bad has happened. I feel like something I'll say. I, I make decisions with you in mind most of the time. You know what I was thinking about, and this might be random. What's that? But I was thinking that if something horrible would've would happen in the lifestyle, you and I would totally leave the lifestyle. Easily. Yeah. Yeah. I was just thinking about that. I was like, wow, huh? Well, because you know how I feel when, when I hurt you, I, I hate hurting you. Yeah. Yeah. And I know that even in the slightest, like, if you think you embarrassed me or you did something to hurt me. Like, forget it. You're so, that's it. Upset.

11:15 Yeah. Yeah. And so. It's all about us together. Yeah. As a unit. Yeah. Making sure we heal. Yeah. And I don't think that we would, either one of us would wanna be a part of the lifestyle. If something, if something happened, like its a Yeah, no, uh, you know, a cheating situation or Yeah. Whatever, you know? Yeah. But there's not a whole lot that could really kill. There's everything we talk about yeah. I dunno. I was just thinking, yeah, that was a good one though. Now the next one you can do blank. I can't. Huh. Okay. All right. People, It is, and, and we know a lot of people help. Yeah. Yes. We are those people in a little bit of well, like for Poly for example. Yeah. Like I told you, you can date whoever you want.

11:56 Yes. I can't. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I just did a, uh, a TikTok video today mm-hmm. On the one penis policy I saw. Yeah. Yeah. And that is essentially this, which is, I can go out there and I can have sex with women all I want. Mm-hmm. And you can have sex with women all you want, but you can't have another man. Yeah. You know? Yeah. That sort of thing. You can do that. Uh, but I can't What do you think about that? Oh my gosh. Really? Tell me. I think that's bullshit. Yeah. Bullshit because yeah, it's not you don't own your partner and that's it.

12:37 Yeah. You do not own that person. What's gonna, what you're gonna end up doing. I mean, you're doing contradicting what you just said a little while ago, but I mean, I mean, I do own you, but you know, you know what I mean? Like I don't own, like I say that, but. We play like that and that's just the way we are. Yeah. Right, honey? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. No it's, you don't own, I don't own his penis. He doesn't own my vagina. I could do whatever I want with it and I'm gonna have respect and I'm gonna tell him about it. Okay. I feel like that's a major red flag. And if somebody told me now, okay, hold on. There is certain things where it's, say it's me and Adam, right. Um. There is a girl who doesn't, a woman who doesn't want, who can't be with him, but only be with me.

13:20 We've had that situation. Yeah. It happens. It's out there and we understand it, but the woman is okay with it. She's like, yeah, no sonian to guys. I prefer women. Um. I don't know. I don't think that's a rule that you can actually have. Like, that's not a, it's not a good rule, people, well, it's not fair. It's not fair. Which is exactly what this show is about. It's about being, it's not fair being in a swinging position. Yeah. Where you have rules that are just not fair. Yeah. And that is a good, good lesson in that one. Yeah. Yeah. Now the next one, no single guys. Oh my gosh. Without talking about why, huh? No single guys.

14:00 Um hmm. I don't think I've ever had that. As a matter of fact, our first experience you were with a single guy. Yeah. Um, yeah, I guess it know some, so that's never been a rule V know. I know some people don't like it because, um, bad experiences with bulls. Yeah. Yeah. I saw this guy today on TikTok, handsome and um, all standing there, all muscular, whatever. And he is like, he's older, probably like our ages, and he is like when they want a bull and I was like. Homie, you were in your forties and you're still calling yourself a bull. Nah, Uhuh, I don't even like that. Like, you know, these guys, they have, uh, pride Yeah. In that title. But I will say that most times when people go by that title Yeah.

14:43 It turns off most couples like ourselves. Mm-hmm. Where we're like, oh, he is a bull. No thanks, wanna respect you to prove something respectful, single dude. We're not trying to do this alpha male shit. You know what I mean? So yeah. There are. There are different reasons why people would say no single guys. Normally it's because of, a trauma with a past experience. Right. Or for whatever reason. But really, I mean, that's not really fair because I'm pretty sure single woman, they don't have a problem with a single woman. That's like the sought after thing. There you go. But it's, the guy is maybe straight, so he can't enjoy the man. Yeah. And so really it's the man is with the other woman.

15:23 Yeah. And that's it, as opposed to a single woman where both in the couple could take part in it. Mm-hmm. You know? Yeah. So that's why that rule ladies and germs is not fair. Yeah. Yeah. I like when you say germs. Yeah. Yes. It's cute. Thank you. You are welcome. All right. So there's another one that I wanted to talk about. Yeah. It's the, we don't talk about it afterwards. Oh. It just happens and we move on and we move on. Now I've kind of been the person I used to get really upset after. I would be like in my feelings, I'm not, I'm, you know, just like, don't touch me. Just go shower.

16:05 Yeah. You'd be spaced out. I would, um, I would just remove my brain from whatever feeling I was having. Yeah. And I'd be like, I don't wanna know. And then I'd be like, okay, and how were you holding? What and what did you do? Show me. Yeah. It, it wasn't with for the sake of interest, sexiness. Yeah, no. Yeah. It was, it was, it was to pick, pick at it and start a fight. Yeah. And I feelings remember telling you I would, I would be like, if you don't wanna know, why are you asking me? Yeah. I said, 'cause I, I know you don't wanna know. See, that's one of my points set up for failure. Yeah. And it would just cause fights. Yeah. It would cause fights easily. I mean, why would it not? Yeah. Yeah. That's a, it's, you have to talk about, you don't have to give details.

16:50 Yeah, you don't actually have to talk about the performance of it all. Yeah. And break it down and understand if you wanna know the details, be prepared for the answer. It's probably gonna be super uncomfortable. And if your husband is a per on or if your partner is honest it's, you know, they're gonna be detailed and it is what it is. You're asking questions. I have put myself in that situation so many times, and again, if you don't know, I'm still a very jealous person. Oh, no. We all know. Yeah. Oh, everybody knows. So I wanna know, and then I'm gonna pick at it. He's so used to that. I know how to, he knows how to talk to me now about it. Like, yeah. Yeah. Well, I try to give you as much info as I feel you need. Yeah.

17:30 Um, I think the big thing is if you don't talk about it after Yeah. Say you're having an experience with somebody and I'm just hell bent on, I don't wanna talk about it. Let's not talk about it. Yeah. And you start developing feelings. Yeah. And I don't wanna talk about it. Yeah. We never talk about it. And you decide, well I'm gonna start exploring things 'cause he is not talking to me. Oh yeah. There goes that. And don't be scared to talk people like talk about it. You have to figure that feeling out. Yeah. It's an uncomfortable feeling. Yeah. And you know, some people want every detail. Kim, he loves, I love the details.

18:11 I think it's hot. He loves the details. I don't know how to give. You can break it down. Oh man. She was not a good storyteller. I'm better now. When we first got together, yeah. I'd be like, okay, I need details. Yeah. And she would give me like three sentences and I'm like, you can't tell me more. And she's like, what do you want? I'm like, I want everything. What's the color of the clothing you were wearing? Yeah. Like what kind of shoes did you have on? Yeah, I wanna imagine this entire thing. Give me the whole set design. Like is it like full house? Like is it that kind of big setting? Like what is this? You know? So I literally, she got tired of me interrupting her story, asking for details, and so she learned how to just be detailed. Mm-hmm. Um, and then I've also learned to just.

18:52 Except whatever I get. Because look, dude, we work the bathroom, don't, and that's just, you know, not, not happens, not a lot of detail happens. And, and if I'm tired, and then plus she's got a DH, ADHD brain. So if I ask her, you know, what happened? She'll give me a quick once over one or two sentences and then I have to learn to sit back and wait because way more is coming over the span of the next three hours. You don't we're, you don't to call it a DHD. We're eating while it's neuro divergent, while we're sitting down watching a TV show or whatever. At the most inappropriate time is when it's gonna come out. It's gonna be like, oh yeah, so then this happened, and I'm like, bro. Time and place. I don't wanna talk to you anymore.

19:33 You love me. You know you love me. Anyway, so I liked this one. This one, uh, kind of caught my attention because then this is gonna kind of turn some heads, same room only forever. Um, don't think. Now I know a lot of people, I don't, that's a bad one. I'm not saying it's bad. These are rules that people are in that are seemingly unfair. I mean, if they both agree, it's not unfair if they both agree it's not unfair, but let's face facts. We had this rule. Mm-hmm. And I made it real clear that I was down for not Same Rome. Yeah. Yeah. But it's because it's what you wanted. Yeah. So IE It was unfair. Yeah. But we did it together.

20:15 Yes. My point. Exactly. And it was fun. Oh yeah. No, no, no. This, and it's preferred, but it's not a forever. It's preferreds for us. But for, but at one point we thought it was, yes, we did think it was yes. Yes we did. I feel like that's a fear. The same room only forever. That's a fear of trust. Is that what it is? Yeah. 'cause that's, that was me. You And what was it that you didn't trust? I didn't. What were you afraid of? Well, because I, I, you don't know how to say No, I know how to say no. I don't care to say no. Yeah. You don't know how to say no. Okay. I can't argue. Yeah. You don't know how to say no. So things have happened and it's like, well, why didn't you just say stop?

20:58 And you're like I, I don't know. Well, that was then. This is now. Yeah. I, I don't think you even put yourself in that situation again. That's fair. But that was my, okay. Anyway, that was a fear of trust. Like you don't know how to say no. So, and it's not a fear now. It's not a fear, it's just like, it's my fear. It's an internal fear. Mm-hmm. It's not a it our fear. Right. Does that make sense? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. That's just a, my fear that I have to get past. 'cause I know you and you know better. Yeah, no, I know. You and you, you always have me on the top of your head and heart and, you know. Right. So not like, you know better.

21:39 No, I, I do You know what I mean? I didn't take it that way. You know better. Yeah, yeah. No, yeah. No, I know what you mean. So, yeah, it's, it's, um, I mean, it's great for people first starting out. Yeah. You know, Hey, and, and that's a really good point there, because. When you're first starting out, you're gonna have a lot of put yourself, whatever you want, whatever rule it makes you comfortable, and then talk about it. Talk about your experiences afterwards. Talk about what you didn't like. Talk about what you did, like what you enjoyed. And if you didn't like something, why did it make you feel like that? Why is this, whatever it is. Talk it out. Yeah. Like start with baby steps.

22:19 Talk about something uncomfortable and then talk about something really great. Well, let me tell you, it was difficult telling you that I wanted to do separate room. Yeah. Well, you made a point. Yeah. I had. And that was the reason why Yeah. Was, you know, because when, when we are together, uh, my focus is on you. I'm worried about you. Yeah. If you're having a good time and I can't enjoy myself. Yeah. And so that made it just too difficult. And every time we would. Play in the same room. It was just, it was so difficult because I knew that you were most likely having a bad experience and me, I was gonna have a good experience because it's hard to make a bad experience for me.

22:59 Yeah. And it just, you know, it was one of those things I was like, man, I just, I'd like to enjoy myself. Yeah. It's the whole idea of this. And you know, I don't. Play separately all the time, but you know, if it comes up, it's cool, you know, it works. Yeah. So, but it's nice to have that freedom of it all. And I, it's nice to know that I have your trust. It's nice to know that it's not gonna come up as an issue. Mm-hmm. It's nice. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So he's nice. What do you think about that? I think that's a it's a nice option, but again, in the beginning, it's great if you're already in it for like 10 years. Come on, growth. There's growth. Growth. That's the whole idea.

23:40 Gotta grow. You want to grow, man? Yes. Yes. Wanna grow? Put these as your little training wheels, whatever, however you wanna start off. But talk about them. Talk about your roles at every experience. How about at every experience you have? Talk about it. Talk about it. Talk about it. There you go. I just came up with a business idea. Oh my God. Oh my gosh. Okay, let's finish. Yes. Well, if this episode made you stop and think. That's a good thing. And if you're realizing, oh wow, we have that rule, you're definitely not alone. Been there. Yeah. So if you want to share your experience anonymously, head to our website at www dot beyond monogamy com. Submit a Beyond Monogamy Confessional.

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