Swinging Reality Check: What Nobody Warns You About in the Lifestyle

0:07 Alright y'all, before we dive in, a quick heads up. This show is raw, real, and definitely not rated pg. We're talking about adult themes, sexual content, and the kind of stuff you probably don't want blasting through your speakers at work or around your kits. So grab some headphones, pour your drink of choice and get comfy. Oh, and just so we're clear, we are not licensed therapists, counselors, or sex. Couches. Sex coaches. Sex coaches, not sex couches or just a couple of people sharing our lives, experiences and sexy adventures. An ethical non-monogamy.

0:47 So with that, pull up a chair and enjoy the show. And. Hello and welcome to another episode of Beyond Monogamy. I'm Adam. And I'm Pris. And today we're talking about what nobody warns you about when you start swinging. I think. I think we all know. I think we know, but we may not only, yeah. Yes. And when we say nobody, we mean nobody. Nobody. Not your friends, not your internet, not the people who make it look effortless like us. So if you're new, or even if you've been doing this for a while, you're probably gonna feel very seen. Well, anyways, before we jump in. Make sure you follow the show guys.

1:28 Make sure you follow the show. Share it with someone you trust and leave us a review because that really helps us, the people need to find us. Yes, they like conversations like this. So they're important guys, help us help you. Oh gosh, I hope Jerry McGuire doesn't sue me for that one. Yeah, I totally took that from that movie. Okay, so we're gonna jump right into this. Let's talk fantasy versus reality. Now, I had somebody, uh, I did a, I did a, a TikTok live one day and somebody had mentioned, Hey, can you talk about fantasy versus reality when it comes to the lifestyle? And I said, you know, I actually did some content on that, and I referred them back to it. Fantasy versus reality. I think a bunch of new people that come in have this fantasy about what it's like to be swingers.

2:13 Um, yeah, we've all seen, the, yeah. Kind of the setup scenes on porno and stuff like that. Yeah. It just looks incredible. Yeah. Um, well, I mean, fantasy is very hot. Yeah. The reality not so hot. Yeah. There's lots of different layers to that. Yeah. Well, you know what, I had one guy say to me, he said, I feel like I don't wanna talk. Like you keep telling me that, that we have to communicate and we gotta talk about our feelings and stuff like that. He said, I don't wanna do that. I just wanna have sex. Oh, I just wanna have sex with people. I don't wanna do that. That's the reality of it. You have to talk.

2:55 Yeah. You have to talk. Yeah. Now, I'm sure that there are people in this community who will share that with you as far as, well, I don't feel like talking, let's just get down to it. Mm-hmm. Uh, there are transactional people in this community, and I think that's, there, there is a pot for every lid. Yeah. But there are a lot of us a large portion of us that, communication is where it's at. Yes. And I think it's healthier. Yeah. Communication's healthier, so Absolutely. Yeah. Totally agree with that. Yeah. You know, I mean, why are you staring at me? Like, I'm sorry. You're pretty, I like to look at pretty girls you know, there are emotions that come with sex, whether you can separate sex and love, it doesn't matter.

3:37 There are still feels, yeah. There are still things that you got that maybe you haven't felt before that all of a sudden these things are arising. And if you don't know how to talk about what you do is you push 'em down, guys. You push 'em down? No, don't listen to her. You don't, you talk to your spouse, don't you? Don't you just push 'em down guys, this is like, this is like the, uh, the angel and the devil on your shoulder. Yeah. Push them down. Listen to me guys, even though I'm wearing red, I'm not the devil. I promise you, you wanna talk to, you wanna communicate. Yeah. Emotional whiplash. Now, obviously, if you're single, I think communication, you don't have to communicate with a partner, but you still gotta communicate with the people you wanna play with. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I dunno. I mean, you're gonna find your people, right? But I, I he is very right.

4:19 Communication is very a big thing. Um, and that's the reality of it. That is definitely the reality of it. And it can take the sexiness away. Guys, I'm sorry. I hate to be the bearer of bad news. Don't let y'all are adults. Like we're all adults. Don't let it take the sexiness. You know, like it's, think of it as. They're gonna tell you everything you want to know and how they're feeling, and it's gonna be so invigorating. Now, if you're the person talking about it, it's hard. But you got this, man. Yeah, I got your back. Yeah. Well, you know, I mean, like I said, communication is not very sexy. Um, and a large portion of it, the reality of it is that's what a lot of this is, is communication.

5:03 Mm-hmm. Now let's continue talking about fantasy versus reality. A lot of people seem to think that you can walk into a club or a house party, and the fantasy is what they've seen in a Cinemax movie. It is not like that. You know, these tall leggy, beautiful modelesque people, everybody is top-notch, high quality hotness, uh, everybody's scantily clad and just, it's a free for all orgy, whatever the experience is. Let me. Pump the brakes for you. It is definitely like that. That is not realistic at all. No guys. Not realistic at all. No. Uh, and a lot of people come in with those expectations and as soon as you go to your first house, house party mm-hmm.

5:48 You can be very, very disappointed. I think it's very intimidating for a lot of women. You think so? I do. Um, and I say this because we are the ones that are usually dressed very, we get very insecure, more so than the guys. Y'all are fully dressed well. So we are fully dressed and I know y'all get insecure. I'm not saying that y'all don't. I In the guy in defense, let me tell you something. Y'all are more when it's, when it's party time, like when it's in defense of my guy is here. Okay, go ahead. Under understand that we may be fully dressed. Mm-hmm. But you have your pick of the litter. As a guy, it doesn't matter what we look like. I mean, it doesn't matter what we smell like. It doesn't matter what we do to get in your face.

6:28 Yeah. We will either be chosen by you or we won't. Yeah. You know what I mean? There's that, that old saying that men, uh, what is it? Women. Women, fuck who they want. Men fuck who they can. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. So you can choose to play with whoever you want and it doesn't matter what you look like, believe it or not, ladies, and I know some of you are probably rolling your eyes, you're probably thinking, yeah, this guy's full of crap. Uh, I haven't had anybody hit on me. Chances are you have had somebody hit on you, but maybe you didn't find them attractive. Uh, you know, the fact is it really doesn't matter what you look like. If you have the genitalia of a woman, a lot of these guys are gonna go for you in this lifestyle.

7:10 Now they're not gonna be quality guys. Yeah. Most of the time. Yeah. But realistically, you have your pick you can choose to have sex with whoever you have available. You know, whoever comes popping up. Whereas most men have to walk home alone because maybe they got overlooked. You know what I mean? So, yeah. You know, I, I get that, uh, women have a lot of pressure to, to look a certain way. Mm-hmm. And chances are their, their body is showing a lot more than men and stuff like that. But it's almost like the natural balance of things because where women are insecure about that men are insignificant. Yeah. And most women want other women.

7:51 Yeah. So not only are we competing with each other, we're competing with other women. That's hard. That's what she said. Ah, Boom. Oh. So yeah the fantasy of this incredible party, this incredible, uh, scenery. Mm-hmm. You know, what, what your expectations are because you have these fantasies, the reality of it is that it is not that. Now as you make connections, as you talk to people, you're gonna notice there are attractive people. They're not perfect because nobody's perfect. But there are attractive people out there. Yeah. And, and you're gonna be like, whoa. That's what I was looking for. And then the moment you go up to 'em, they're not even gonna look twice at you.

8:32 And that's, that's reality. Let's, I'm just, I'm, I'm just serving you guys up some real, that's all it is. That's very real. That's very real reality. Should making fun of me. No, you, you're, you're right. It's, um, you're gonna see them and be like, Ooh. Yeah. And then, nah, they're gonna give you time of day. Yeah. It's really, it's expectations versus experience. Yeah. You know? You have this expectation going in now, this is why I'm always nervous whenever I go to something and it's the very first time. I was extremely nervous the first time going to a brand new club. Mm-hmm. I'm extremely nervous for the first time going to a house party. Mm-hmm. Because I don't know what to expect. And if I don't know what to expect, I don't want to have these convoluted expectations in my head just to show up and be disappointed or anything like that.

9:21 Yeah. Uh, so it's that anxiety of not knowing and then I go through it and I've done it, and then after that I have no anxiety. I'm good. It's gone. That's right. But, you know, I really go through this without trying to have any expectations because of that. Yeah. You know, that whole rule of fantasy versus reality the fantasy of it is that. You're gonna go into a house party and you're gonna bang it out with some really hot people. Mm-hmm. The reality of it is you're probably gonna go into a house party. You're gonna, people watch for a little while, you'll shake hands with a couple people, probably eat a few slices of cheese, tell your wife, Hey, you know, you want to go get some, uh, hamburgers and go home. Yeah, let's do that.

10:02 That's fun guys. And that's reality. Yeah. And I know that's reality because that's our reality. Oftentimes. Of course we don't leave without at least playing with each other. Yeah, that's right. Uh, but that really is what it comes down to. Expectation versus experience. Yeah. Your experience is gonna be very different from your expectations that very different, very different rent. Lemme tell you. So I'm just saying keep that in your mind. It's there. That's right. Moving on. Jealousy is sneaky. Jealousy is, I'm, I always have jealousy. It's not sneaking up on me. It really depends on the person you are. That little bitch stays there.

10:42 Uh, no, actually I've had jealousy from you come out like days later before, I know, but it's there immediately. I just don't let it out. Well, sometimes you don't realize it. Like if it's a subtle thing Yeah. You don't realize it in the moment and then like a day or two later you're like, huh. Yeah. It does take a little bit, but uh, but you are a fantastic because your jealousy is usually quite immediate. Yeah. It usually is quite immediate in the moment. I am a very, if you don't know, you're gonna know I am a mm-hmm. Very jealous person. Uhhuh, there's nothing that's gonna change about that. That's just the way I am built and I'm gonna accept it. I am, don't cry for me, Argentina.

11:23 The truth is, I never left you. Yeah. I'm a, yeah, no, I'm a very jealous person, and so it doesn't sneak up on me. But it's not always immediate for some people. It like, you know, you're right. It does take me sometimes a little bit. And it hits later, and then I'm like, Ugh. I don't normally get jealous. But when I do it's usually immediate. It's usually immediate. It's, it's immediate. It's usually immediate. And it's very cutesy. It doesn't happen very often. No. But when it does happen, usually in the moment, it's, yeah, it's immediate and it doesn't manifest itself in an ugly way. Yeah. Um, it's normally like now Nudge, wink, wink. What were you doing now? I Why were you doing that?

12:03 Yeah. I was gonna ask you, I remember you, um, when we were poly and you would get jealous. About other people, Uhhuh. And I would be like, what the hell are you? Why are you getting jealous about that person? And you're not getting jealous about my stuff. What, what is that about? And it never, I never understood it and I actually don't understand. I don't need to understand it now. 'cause that's never, it's, sorry. It's an insecurity thing. I've never been insecure with our relationship ever. I've never doubted you. Mm-hmm. From the moment that we started going together, this woman has been so loving and just all about me.

12:44 That I've never doubted. I've never doubted you. And so because of the security that I have in our relationship, it it, that insecurity never came up. So that's why I really don't get jealous. But why would you get jealous of the other people? ' cause I didn't know who the fuck they were. That's an insecurity. Absolutely. Oh yeah. Okay. But with you it's not. And it's never been. And really, I also the whole process of being poly, the whole process of dating others and that whole thing just felt very high school. Mm. Felt very high school. Yeah. And it triggered a lot of stuff for me. It made me feel like I was back in high school. Yes. And I felt like, yeah, I was being judged by the attractive girls in a negative way.

13:27 And, uh, you know, I couldn't get anybody to pay attention to me. Guys going back to fantasy versus reality, just saying that's the reality. Polyamory. He did have women, but he just didn't like the type of women that it was. I mean, it was okay. I had a I, I did, I, I dated, you know, I, I had a girlfriend here and there, but, it was really, that's, that's what it came down to. Okay. You know, I'm just asking Yeah. You can ask away. I, I don't, I don't get offended by, I mean, that's what we do. We talk about it. Yeah. But it. Being poly was very, very difficult for me in the fact that it just made me very insecure. Mm-hmm. Did very insecure in myself. It did. And I just felt like high school all over again.

14:07 Mm-hmm. I think I told you that. Mm-hmm. I don't know how many times I was like, man, I feel like I'm in freaking high school again. Yeah. And I don't like it 'cause I didn't like high school just saying. So anyway. Yeah. That's, uh, I did get a little jealous back then. I, I don't get jealous very much. With you. There are occasional things that will come up and I'll be like, uh, whatever. Oh, he was so funny. I'm like, ah, ha ha. No, he wasn't that funny. I mean, he said something that was, you don't get jealous about that. Begrudgingly Ha ha ha ha. You said You don't get jealous about that anymore. You're like, eh, it's okay. I, it's been a while. What can I say? You haven't met too many funny guys, and let's keep it that way. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Because you're my best audience, so, yeah.

14:50 But I will say that that. Jealousy can be sneaky. Yeah. I have seen it, uh, in people sometimes. You want to process certain moments. Me, and it takes a little You've seen while it on me for a long yeah. That's, yeah. And so it, it can be a little sneaky, it can sneak up on you. And sometimes those conversations between partners can sneak up on you. You gotta be prepared for it. You gotta be prepared for it. I, I always have to wait and frame my questions, but you are very obvious to me. I can always tell when, uh, when you're processing because you're completely quiet. You're spaced out. Yeah. And that is not you. No. That's not your personality. The only time you space out is when there's a lot in your head. And it's normally something heavy, man. And it's normally something dealing with me is what it's, I can't help it, but, Hey, look, I do a cute, shrug is forgiven guy.

15:36 You're cute. No, you know, I, I mean, I, I get it. So anyways, yeah. Like I said, jealousy can be sneaky. It's not always the case though. I will say that because it's not the case between us. Uh, it's, it's not what we do. No. Wait. The jealousy or the sneaky part? The sneaky part? No, the jealousy is there. I know the jealousy is there. Sorry. But I've, I have also learned how to, you have, how to, I think you're really good at it. And I've learned to express myself better. Oh yeah. I do take a while to process things, so, mm-hmm. We will discuss it. I have to pick and choose my battles because my jealousy is a major trigger for our relationship because yeah, it's very, and it's very, I'm not gonna say toxic, because it is what it is.

16:25 Man. That's not even the problem. It's, we both came from very jealous. Yeah. Previous relationships. And so, and we said we would never do that again. Yeah. But he understands how I am. So, um, and literally the only time that we've ever broken up, it was for 24 hours and it was when we were first together. Yes. It's like a month in maybe something like that. And it was a, it was over jealousy. And I was like, dude, I can't, I, I, yeah, I've done that. I've been there. I'm not doing this anymore. And then 24 hours later we realized we can't be away from each other. Yeah. So it didn't work. So I mean, he is how he is. Tell us. And I am, yeah. I mean, you are how you are and I am how I am. And. We make it work. You gotta just learn to, to deal with it, man. Yeah. We make it work. You gotta make it work.

17:06 Yeah. If the pri, if the priority is your relationship, you learn to make it work and you learn to, you know, I don't know how many times we talked about getting on a level, navigating it and get Yeah. Getting on some sort of compromising level. Yeah. You know, we both get what we want and we both don't get what we want because we're here. Yeah. We're, we're, we're on the right level where we can have that. Yeah. And then of course you've grown so much. Yeah. I have throughout the, the years and just since we've had the podcast, like, you've come a long way. I'm big girl now. I'm a big girl now. I can do this now. That's right. You are. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. I'm mega proud of you. I think you've done a, a, an amazing job. You've kept an open mind. You know, I didn't wanna be that guy.

17:47 I didn't wanna be that husband that was like, come on sweetheart, you can do this. Like coaching you to be. Non-monogamous, because to me that seems like grooming. Yeah. Like if, if your partner doesn't want to be non-monogamous and you do well, sorry for you. Yeah. Either you're gonna realize that your relationship is your priority and you're gonna have to put that on the back end. Mm-hmm. Or your relationship isn't your priority, and you say, okay, well I'll see you later. I'm gonna go live this life. I mean, those are your choices. But I always knew that, that my wife was my priority. And so it was easy to make that decision. I like that. Yeah. You're so handsome. That's romantic. You're so romantic.

18:27 That's romantic. Uh, now I wanted to get into this one when rejection hits harder than expected. I, I hate rejection. I hate rejection. And, and people always tell me, they're like, well, it's not rejection. Oh my gosh. Those people that know everything about the lifestyle, it's rejection. It's not rejection. Yeah. You can't call it rejection because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Today we're calling it rejection. We're calling it rejection. I'm sorry guys. I, I, I get what you and, and I, I've heard your argument and, and, and it makes sense. Yeah, it makes sense. I get it. You know, I think, I think what they say is it's not rejection because, it's one of those things where they don't owe you, you know, it's like they, maybe it's a no right now, you know, or maybe it's a maybe or whatever.

19:11 You really shouldn't be trying, I think people have said, you shouldn't be trying to sleep with other people. You should just be going out and making connections. And it's like, well, you shouldn't be telling people how they should be doing what they like to do. You'll tell me what to do. That's it. But I, I, I've heard it before and I, and I'll hear it over and over again and hey, cool. But you know what, for me. It's a rejection. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And whether it's a no right now and a no forever or no, just for now, but maybe later, it's still a rejection if it's, if you're being told in the moment it's a rejection. Yeah. It's, you know, I mean there's no, there's no other way by, I don't like rejection. Oh no. And luckily you haven't been rejected that often. I don't even try.

19:52 'cause I don't wanna be rejected. Oh, that sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me. So that's my line actually. Thank you very much. No, like I said, this was all very triggering for me at the beginning because it felt like high school, you know, when we first started as swingers, everybody wanted her and I got none of that. And now everybody wants him and I get nothing. Oh. Oh. You hear the jealousy there. Did you guys hear it? Did you hear it? I hide it. It's not sneaky. Oh my gosh. I do not get a lot of the attention. That's not true. Okay. But I've gotten more attention lately, which is kind of nice. Yeah. Go sleep with that one. Guys. I don't know how long we're gonna have this podcast, but that the non-monogamy, that could, the aftermath form, form of rejection there.

20:36 You know, I, I, I really, really I had a lot of trauma from when I was in high school and college. I just never, I wasn't successful with the women. Yeah. I wasn't, uh, I felt like most of the women that I was around. Do you still carry that were shallow? I don't because it's been years. Not that it goes away, but Do you still carry that? I don't. That's good. I don't. I'm actually really not. So for the longest time to get over that. What I started saying was, you know what, I'm not even gonna put myself out there like that. Oh, that's right. Remember? Yeah. I said, I'm not even gonna, I'm not even gonna put myself out there to be rejected. Mm-hmm. I'm just gonna be everybody's friend. Yeah. And now if you reject my friendship, well then you're just a dick because I'm a nice guy.

21:20 You know what I'm saying? And in, in which case, hey, the trash just took itself to the curb, but I'm offering friendship to everybody. And if you like my friendship, then it's easier at some point for you to see the person that I am, rather than the person that I look like. And you can go, you know what? That guy, I would totally bang him. And I, I can accept that. I can accept that. So, you know, that, that became my strategy was I'm not gonna go out there and throw myself out there to random people that I find attractive and be like, Hey do you want to have sex with me? Then just to be told. Yeah. No, that's weird. No, I'm good. Instead I'm gonna be everybody's friend and if it comes up nonchalantly, the idea maybe comes across.

22:08 Or if you get a little flirty and I'm reading some some colored green flags, then yeah, it's a lot easier. It's a lot easier. Uh, but now since 2025 was the year of confident Adam, uh, I faked it till I made it, not make it, but made it. And the confidence stuck because I realized that people, when they get to know me, they start to like me. And guess what? Little do they know I'm a likable character, just don't take me home. Uh, so, so yeah, I, rejection was a big thing for me though.

22:50 Yeah. I, I, I really struggled with it. I don't struggle with it now. And I think it has a lot to do with confidence, but it also, it also comes down to my strategy. Now, as far as you're concerned, I find this interesting. You've only been rejected by a guy once. That one really blew you away because you were like, what the hell? But as far as women I, with the guy that I was like, uh, and he was like, yeah, but yeah. Yeah. But as far as women are concerned, have you ever been rejected by women? No, but I've never really attempted. Well, actually I have no, I've never been rejected by a woman. Yeah. No, never. Wow. And the guy, I mean, was that really a rejection?

23:33 You know, I, I mean, he just said, I don't, I don't you intimidate me. I mean, I would like to count it just to make us feel like you're humble. No, but no, I'm not humble. That's a big head right there. Those headphones are gonna come off pretty fast. Which you love me. Oh yeah. Well, I mean, I can love you and see your ego inflating. Oh, are we gonna talk about inflating egos? Hey, I'm just saying, you know what? Out of the two of us, I deserve to have an inflated ego, and why don't I, I don't love these years. Because you had a, you had a great ex. You were like, I, I, I grew up with having two boyfriends all the time, and I had all, I had all these guys. Anything you tell our kids, you're like, I had all these, these boys, but I had insecurities.

24:13 You had people waiting on your hand and foot. You had a guy who you would take advantage of that he, he would buy you stuff that is nothing. But I didn't have anything, like I couldn't get a girl to look at me. Exceptional in my heart. Yeah. I have a lot of insecurities. You were never given that experience of, of putting your heart towards somebody and having it crushed. Yeah. I have, hello. I'm, you're my third marriage. Yeah, but you didn't love the second one. Okay. I love the first one. Yeah. That's weird. That's weird. We gonna compare. We're gonna compare. Hurtings possibly hurts, scars. Hearts. Hearts. My scars are bigger. I'm older, Okay, fine.

24:53 Yeah. How, how would you say rejection is hard? So you now, as you are, if you were to be rejected, I know it's hypothetical. But say, you know, we're at the club, you're trying to experiment more with, you know, if you see somebody that you mm-hmm. Find attractive, you're trying to be more open into just going up to them and saying mm-hmm. You know, flirting with them and seeing where it goes because you have that ability. Mm-hmm. You can do that. Say you do so. Mm-hmm. Say you find somebody attractive, the very first time that you decide you're gonna put yourself out on the line. Okay. And you go out there and you talk to him and things seem pretty good. And then you finally put yourself out there nervous and you say, so I'd really like to go to the back with you if you're interested.

25:41 And the guy says, I'm good, but thank you. What? Then I would be like, okay, cool. Then would you just walk away? Yes. Just leave. Like, you wouldn't, you wouldn't continue talking to him. You wouldn't be the, the friend. Like if what, if you wanted to continue conversation, he'd be like, Hey, where you going? Thought we were talking? You'd be like, peace. Yeah. Wow. I would stay there talking. I'd be embarrassed. Really? I've been rejected enough to not be embarrassed anymore. Good for you. Yeah. You see the difference? That's why I'm humble. I'd be like, what? Okay. I'm just saying. I'm just saying I would be embarrassed. I'd, you know, I, I wanna say, with the exception of the lady sitting next to me, I would say, all of you listeners out there, almost every one of us have had an experience where we have been embarrassingly rejected.

26:28 Yes. I, I know it's difficult, but if you could just take a moment, open your laptop, or even get on your phone, right? You type in www.beyondmonogamy.com. You go to the top. It says, beyond monogamy confessional, bro, you can leave a 100% anonymous. I like that confession. And you can tell us all about how you were rejected. And you know what? We'll never know who it was. I thought this, I thought we'll never know this scenario that we were just talking about. Yeah. I felt like it really happened. And then you, you said, except for the lady next to me. And I was like, wait, I just got rejected. It wasn't, it was, it was, it was hypothetical dude.

27:09 He didn't actually, he didn't exist. Oh. Oh my gosh. I swear. Yeah, because that's where, okay, sorry. So you don't know your triggers until they happen. This, this one, I, I happen to agree with to an extent. Oh, I agree. All the way. You don't know. Especially when you're, yeah. When you're sharing your partner, you don't know these feelings. They're, yeah. Sometimes they're horrible and they're gut crunching and they're like, oh, what just happened? Yeah. Yeah. It it, and then you just, then you have a conversation and then it's all okay.

27:50 Or it's not, it changes. It changes. Yeah. Uh, you know, I think some people have heard me discuss how we, started mm-hmm. In the lifestyle and, you know, really, I knew she had experience with it. I didn't, and so I really had to see how I was gonna take to it. I'm one of those mm-hmm. I'm, I'm all about the experimental stuff, you know, so I'm like, okay, uh, let's find a single guy and whoever you're interested in and bring him over, and I'm gonna watch you guys, and we'll see where it goes. We'll see how it goes. I have to see how I'm going to feel about this. Yes. Because if I don't like it. We're not gonna do it. Uh, I got to see for the very first time my wife mm-hmm.

28:33 Kissing another man and it wasn't some po dunk guy off the street. This guy was hitting the gym, you know what I'm saying? And I was, uh, I was a little chubby, so, uh, big boy, I, I could have very easily had some insecurities. Of course, I've never been insecure about our, our relationship, so I didn't, uh, but I do remember seeing that very first kiss and you feel your stomach drop, you feel like, whoa knocks the air outta you 'cause you don't expect it. But even though you expected it, you don't expect mm-hmm. That reaction, you know? But you don't know what it's gonna trigger unless you've tried. Something.

29:14 And I'm a big believer in that. I don't know if that, if I'm gonna like it or not like it, I don't know if it's gonna bring things up for me. And as you experience your first separate play, your first preference mm-hmm. You know, you don't know if it's gonna bother you until the moment. Yes. Everything bothered me. It did. Everything bothered me. Um, it took a lot for me to understand why it bothered me and kind of, you know, I was the one that everything bothered. Why did it bother you? I don't want anybody better than me. That's right. I remember ye used to always tell me that, I don't want, I don't want you to have anybody better than me. And I was like, but I love you.

29:55 There's like, you're the best better than me. There is nobody better than you. Yeah. So it took a lot for me to understand that. Ah, that's right. I completely forgot about that. I haven't heard you say that in years. Oh, years. Yeah. You were afraid that somebody would be better than you. I remember. You didn't like, you didn't like seeing me kiss other women. No, because, and that's still, that's still not when we were playing, I don't mind. When it's a make out session and it's like, all right, dude, like, let's wrap it up. And you say that wrap it up. Semi embarrassing, but you say that you're okay. I do. Or a makeup, or, I'm like, all right guys, all right, let's break it up. I'm like, yeah, because it's like, it's, it's, there's a time and there's a place and it's like, come on.

30:35 Well, for at the club, that's literally the time. Yeah. I mean, you're standing like in the Hollywood, like on the hallway of the, it's like, come on now. Like, I'm gonna go sit down. Well, I'm not gonna go to a a, you go do your, I'm not gonna go to the beds to make out with somebody, you know? Yeah. I mean, I still, you know, I. So you see that I still triggers it is what it is, Pete, until they happen, it really is, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do, he's still happy. I don't, I don't keep him from, you know, not, but, you know, it's not just experiences too, you know, this community is so diverse Yeah. That you meet all different kinds of personalities, especially if you're those kind of Oh yeah. People that you friend a lot of people, and you're gonna, you're gonna meet all sorts of different personalities and there are gonna be some people that will trigger you.

31:15 Yes. There are gonna be some people that will say things that will upset you. Mm-hmm. There's gonna, it's gonna come up. Mm-hmm. And it's a matter of how you handle it. Mm-hmm. Um, we personally we walk away as soon as we see stuff that triggers us. As soon as we see stuff or, you know, he's my best friend, I can tell him, Hey, that person is just, you know. Rubbing me wrong or whatever, we'll walk away. He'll be like, okay. You know, maybe it's the, maybe it's just my feeling at the moment doesn't mean it's always like that. I'm just, you know, sometimes things do trigger me. Yeah, Yeah. I mean, what are you gonna do?

31:55 And we're human man. Yeah. We are human. That's how it goes. I love it. Alright. Rules don't prevent pain. Uh, so there's people out there that think that if you have a bunch of rules set up that you will not feel pain. No, uh, rules make them feel safe. But realistically, I mean, they, they make, they do make you feel safe. They can, they can, they do. They're rules, right. Um, they're rules that you put in place, so yeah. They're gonna make you feel safe, but you can just communicate you I know, but little baby steps. Yeah. No, it, it is, it's a good place to start. Yeah. But you're still gonna have pain. It's not gonna keep you from any kind of pain. It's not, it's not gonna keep you safe. No, it really isn't. That's the whole thing about it is, is that whole, going back to expectation versus experience, you know, this is experience talking.

32:44 Mm-hmm. And, initially when we went in, we had a lot of rules. Mm-hmm. And we had the expectations that that was going to keep things solid, keep things on an even keel. And now there's no safe space when you, when you have, uh, rules, uh, eventually. Come up. Mm-hmm. Things will come up there and it doesn't mean all the time it's not gonna be a miserable situation, but you can't say that it's gonna keep you 100% safe. Yeah. No. And growth. Woo. That's messy. Yeah. Yeah. As you can tell. But the reward is big. The reward is big. It's, Because when you see that growth, when you recognize it, like you've had several different times where you sat back and you're like, I get it now.

33:28 I'm a big girl. I get it now, don't it? I don't need a bib. Yeah. I mean, it, it's hard, people cry, it's like there's emotions. Yeah. It's a thing. So yeah, rule rules will not prevent pain. They're not gonna keep you. I mean, it's for you and your, your mind. And like I said, little baby steps, you know, baby steps, you know, baby steps mm-hmm. Is fine, but they're not gonna keep you from, it's, you're still gonna have pain and. Discomfort. So Yeah. Yeah. And hopefully that pain and discomfort is emotional and it's not from like an STI communicated communication. I'm sorry, that was just, that was funny. I'm sorry guys, but that was funny.

34:10 Yes. Communicate 100%. Yeah. It's all about communication. Uh, I know that you've heard us say that in a lot of different shows, emotional labor isn't even Yeah. So we're talking different processing speeds. Yes. We do not process at the same speed. No. You might have a partner who is neurodivergent like me, like this one, and I do not, I process very different. I process at a very slower speed and it, it can take me days. To process certain things. That is true. I can attest. I am very reactive and Adam is very rational.

34:51 I'm logical and logical. I, there you go. Logical. And I'm very reactive. So that alone is something you have to remember when you're processing these different feelings. So Well, I think it's that balance that has always kept us, yeah. And it working out and it's always been like this. I feel like it's gotten better within like the last three years. Oh yeah. Totally. I'm on medication. Mental health was, is a big part of this how you process. Yeah. And having a con uh, having a partner who understands that is very helpful. And a lot of y'all. Hopefully have that. But you know, we have, we have different processes, processing speeds.

35:32 Mm-hmm. But we also have different needs. Yes. Um, you know, yeah. What you needed was very different from what I needed. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I, I didn't need the reassurance that you needed. No. Stuff like that, you know, there was, there was just a lot, uh, different between us. Mm-hmm. And that's the way my spouses are. It's still, and it's still like that we have been doing this for a long time. Mm-hmm. And I still require a lot because we don't play a lot. Yeah. I know. Contrary to popular, we're not the sluts that everybody thinks we about. That's what, yeah. And so that's why it's this many years and I'm still processing things, and I'm still learning because we don't, you know, it's different scenarios that come up yeah.

36:14 Yeah. Yeah. I think the big key is to learn how to sport each other. Yeah. You know? And that's lifestyle or vanilla lifestyle. Supporting your spouse. Supporting your partner. Mm-hmm. Um, and whatever that entails. Yeah. Whatever that need is. Yeah. Uh, you gotta do your part. Gotta do your part. You have to yepper, it's not gonna work. Validation can be addictive. Oh yes. It can be. Yeah. Um, can be, yeah. Attention. A lot of attention. You need that. Lemme tell you. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna tell you something right quick. Lemme tell you something. Are we gonna be real right now? I'm gonna be real. I'm gonna be very real right now. Because you're in a, I am addicted To validation.

36:57 Mm-hmm. I am yearning for people's acceptance. Mm-hmm. It's horrible. It's sickening. I hate that about me. I really do. Yeah. And I don't hate a lot about me, but that is the worst. Yeah. My wife here, she could care less about what people think. Me on the other hand. I care what everybody thinks. Yeah. You know, uh, when somebody, and so we balance each other like that because it's, I have to remind him like, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. And I'm like, it does matter and it matters to me. And, and it's like, Like when I find out, that's why I'll never win find, I find out somebody doesn't like me and I'm like, have they met me? Why, why, why 10 times And they still don't like you. What was it about me they didn't like? And you know, I know, I know there's always gonna be somebody that doesn't like me. Yeah.

37:37 Uh, but I am that I'm that person that I'm, I'm so addicted to, uh, validation. I watch our analytics. Yeah. On our podcast. If I, if we didn't get good downloads, I'm like, why? Yes. Did they not like us that week? Yeah. What happened? Was it the topic? Yeah. What did I do? And so it, yeah. And it's things like that. And they could really make him feel a lot of anxiety. I, I feel like a failure at times. But they also give you like a confidence boost. It does, it does give me a confidence boost. Yeah. Because like, uh, for example, like TikTok, I started my TikTok in July because I was informed it was probably be a, probably be a good idea to have a platform that we can push the podcast on. Yeah. Um, and I started making these different pieces of content and uh, my TikTok has been taking off pretty damn well.

38:26 And, uh, I've gotten the attention of some really, really cool people who have been doing this a while. And just seeing that alone, I'm up here guys, I'm up here, I'm feeling great. I'm on top of the world. I'm not, And she is not, she's not feeling that. Nope, she's not feeling that. I dunno why you're not feeling that, why you're not feeling that? Mm. Just not, I mean, because you have more followers than I do. You get likes, um, and things like that, you know? I dunno. I just, I don't, I'm not feeling that. Would you ever, Did you ever, have you ever. Would you ever? Maybe. I don't know. I don't know. I really don't know. I don't think so. Well, I just feel like because you don't give a shit whether people like you or not, I don't think that really bothers you, does it?

39:12 No, it does. Really? Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah, really you're, you can be an attention whore sometimes. Ouch. Yeah. So it's hard because I can't break that, and I'm like, dang, all right, fine. And then I just kind of give up and just be like, I'm just the wife. That was rough. I can, I can be an attention whore. Oh yeah. Explain vo. Uh, just your everyday, I mean, social media. You like the attention. Yeah. I mean, that's the point of social media is Yeah, it is. But, and you love that. You love to have that attention. Like you will, you just like it and you could, you have to have it every day. Yeah. The attention that's, that's an addiction. Yeah, that's the whole point.

39:53 Attention whore. I mean, we don't slut shame here, man. I'm just saying. But I mean, and but how does that affect you? You boast I'm your best friend. Okay. Yeah. No. Okay. Wait a second. Your best. Wait a second. So you guys, y'all are gonna have to hit pause for a second 'cause we got some marital shit to work out. If you, you know, excuse me for a second. Okay. Hey, I never boast. Yes you do. I never boast, I talk to my wife and my best friend about what's happening. You just, with my TikTok, you just, that doesn't mean I'm bragging about it, but you take it as bragging because there's certain things that you're like, oh, well I wish that would happen to me. And I'm like, come on dude. Resentment.

40:34 Yeah. Is that what you call it? My resentment? You ha you. It, it, it, I don't want it to be resentment. Is that, what is that way It's coming. I know. Is that, what's, is that, what's next? I, I don't brag, man. I'm not bragging. I'm literally tell, so if I don't tell you, it's called communication. Guys. If I don't tell you what's going on, you're not gonna know. So should I keep that to myself? Oh no, I love it. Oh yeah. Obviously. I mean, I, you ask me, obviously you love it. I don't mind it, but you ask me if it bothers me. Yeah. Sometimes it bothers me 'cause I can't be there. I can't do that. Yeah, no, I'm aware. Yeah, I'm aware. But if you were there with me, yeah. It would be different. Oh, so different.

41:15 So different. But yeah. No, it, it, um, it's like me. Poor little old, you poor little old me. I don't have anything. You know what's amazing is you've got more followers than me and you don't even really put out that much content. So I work, I'm a woman baby. No, that's my point. Yeah, that's my point. I work very hard, hard. You work very hard for your, I work incredibly hard. The content that I put put out there is, there is no doubt. I mean, and that's what I'm saying, A large portion of my day, like, that's what I'm saying. Boast. That's fine. But you're asking me, and I'm being honest with you. You can't get mad. I didn't get mad. I got passionate. You can't get passionate. I was a happy, passionate. I still love you. I love that. I that see now that right there I have compersion for I love that.

41:58 You're happy about that. It boosts your ego. It does it love, love that you know it. It makes me feel really good. And I'm gonna tell you that that's what I actually, the little tiny bits. Of stuff that I liked about poly was very tiny, and it was that it really did boost your ego. It boosted my confidence. Mm-hmm. And your confidence. Yeah. So it made, it made me feel a lot not ego confidence. So you have to understand that I, I, I grew up in an abusive household and, you know, I never felt like, I never felt like I was given the mm-hmm. The time of day by anybody. And so to be able to go on something like TikTok and get on live and something like that and be able to talk to people, and they get to know me and they're like, wow, you're, you're really, you're an all right guy.

42:40 And I'm like I am. But nobody ever gives me the time to find out. I had to get a freaking podcast so that you guys could find out that I'm all right, I'm alright. I'm an alright guy. Anyways just walk away from that one. We're gonna move on from this. Don't worry. We're gonna bounce back. But yeah, it, it, it really, I am, I'm a, I am addicted to that validation. I will admit it. It's a major flaw of mine. Yeah. And it, it does cause issue. I, I can have my ups and downs. I'll be riding high for like a week. Mm-hmm. And then I'll hit some lows for a couple days, and I'm like, dude, uh, I I'm a failure, until I get validation again, and then I'm like, yay, I'm back on top. Uh, so yeah, so weird, so complicated emotionally, uh, and mentally now the community isn't always soft.

43:28 No, it is not. Just imagine you are, you're going into a new, we're all human and you're going into a new place, a new spot. Yeah. There's, there's, unfortunately, sometimes there's judgment. Yeah. And it's not even like what you're doing. It could just be just anything. You know what's funny? I realized, you know, in the community I've talked to some people, and as much as I don't like to say this out loud, uh, there's a lot of people who feel like there's a hierarchy in the communities mm-hmm. Levels of hotness, stuff like that. Mm-hmm. I don't levels of popularity, ETCE, tc, but Yeah.

44:09 And there is, and there is, there can be there. It all depends on, on who you are. Uh, but I've had, you know, we we're very inclusive. We talk to everybody. Mm-hmm. It doesn't matter you look like mm-hmm. Or anything like that. And I've talked to people and they've been like, man, you guys are, are so popular and people like to just come talk to you and stuff like that. Nobody talks to us. Nobody ever wants to talk to us. Nobody even talks about us. Yeah. People talk about you guys. And I'm like, well, that, that doesn't sound good at all. At all. And I think, I think they meant it in a good way. Yeah. That people talk about us, but, uh, you know, it's, it's one of, and he's like, man, nobody even talks about us. And I'm like, you know what? I, we're in the forefront.

44:51 It's a little different. It's different. Like we put ourselves out there. Yeah. You're gonna, we're public, public facing. You're gonna gossip about us, you're gonna judge us, you're gonna end, you're gonna say whatever. Yeah. Only one of us is gonna care what you say about Well, so I, and I will say, that was funny. I will say though, I have gotten better about not taking bad comments to heart. Yeah. That's, and I mean, just recently mm-hmm. Like, this has been the past couple months. Yeah. I really try, especially if it's on social media or Yeah. Foul. And that's our community comments on YouTube, things like that. Like, I, I just don't, I'm not thinking anything of it. I don't even respond to it most of the time. Because. This space is not real.

45:33 Yeah. Online. Online is if they come up to my door and they tell me when I open the door, Hey, your show sucks. Mm-hmm. You know, then I'll be like, well, fuck, man. That sucks. Yeah. But you make a comment on my thing. Whatever dude. Yeah. Delete, delete, delete. It's all good. Uh, so I, I've gotten better about not taking those things to heart, but primarily because we are public facing, people do gossip about us. Mm-hmm. People do pass judgment on us often. Um, I'm mouthy, this woman is mouthy. I am mouthy. I'm mouthy here, I'm mouthy online. I am very passionate about what I believe in. Yeah. How I wanna live my life. Yeah. No, there's a lot of, um, it is what it is.

46:14 Yeah. It is what it, it's so, no, the community isn't always soft. No. You know, you gotta find your, I'm not saying you have find your clique, you just gotta find people that find your tribe. Yeah. You know, I mean. It's okay if people aren't talking about you. It's not a bad thing. Yeah, it's a good thing. It's okay. Exactly. A good thing. Uh, you know, it's, it's not a popularity contest. No. You know, it feels like it is. It feel like it can be. Um, you know, that's why I said it feels like high school. It, you know, there's lots of groups, there's lots of hangout pe people that just have little cliques. There are there Is that there? That is a thing that actually exists. It is just like when you were in high school.

46:56 Yeah. Like it really is, and I hate to say that, but it's the honest truth. You find your people, we're all adults and you just have to be like, Hey, well I'm an adult and we hang out with all different kinds of people like. We aren't those judgy, gossipy people. Yeah. I mean, I like cheese Min just like the next person. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you could spill the tea with us, but I don't wanna be in the tea. Yeah. I don't wanna be in the tea at all. That's right. Don't put me in thet. But yeah, no, I mean, yeah, it's not always, I mean, gosh, I have been called so many things. Yeah. Yeah. And we've had drama erupt with us, you know, we've had drama. It's what it is that, and it's gonna happen.

47:36 Yeah. If, if you are involved in the community, you, it's a diverse community. It's gonna happen. It's gonna happen. Uh, you just have to be an adult about it. And set social boundaries. Yes. Set those social boundaries. Yes. You know, it's not just about boundaries sexually, it's boundaries socially. Yes. No, uh, like for us, example is that we can't be around a lot of people who are too sauced. No. If we go to a meet and greet and people are getting wasted, sloppy, drunk. That out of there. That is a trigger. Yeah. Talk about a trigger. That is a trigger. We are not alcoholics. No. That did not. We are not. No. But to have that kind of person around us that can't control themselves.

48:19 Yeah. It's, it's very irritable to me. Meet people. Who are you? They're visibly on drugs. Yeah. Heavy drugs. Yeah. You know, it's, it's one of those things where the moment you see it, you just kind of back away. Yeah. And you, you know, you're setting that social boundary. Sorry, but that's not for me. Oh. And that's so hard for me 'cause I could tell so quickly. Oh, I know. And I can't, I'm oblivious. I can tell so quickly. I'm oblivious. Social boundaries for sure. Social boundaries do it to it. Mm-hmm. All the way. Growth isn't sexy, it's honest. I dunno. I think growth is pretty damn sexy too. I mean, I have grown a lot. You have grown a lot. Yeah. I think that's so sexy. Swinging exposes cracks.

49:00 Yeah. Especially, but cracks It does, it, it exposes cracks in your relationship. It can ex if you're not in a relationship, if your're solo. I know. I don't wanna say the cracks. It's, I feel like cracks was good. No, it's, it exposes different layers. So like we didn't always communicate. We thought we communicated pretty good. We thought so. Yeah. But we really didn't. No. And we started growing and growing. And could that be considered a crack? Well, if it was just a layer, if we didn't learn how to communicate better Yeah. It was a crack. Yeah. If we didn't learn how to fix it, and both grow. To be where we're at now. Yeah. Total crack. Because what we went through as being poly, you could have easily had resentment towards me.

49:43 Yeah. If we hadn't ever talked about things. There was a lot of stuff that, that we both revealed to each other when we communicated after stepping back from poly. Mm-hmm. That I learned a lot more about you. I learned about our relationship. There was a lot of stuff that I did not know Yeah. That you knew. And so, yeah. I, I would definitely say that, that it, I like it, It, it can expose cracks Yeah. In your relationship. If you're solo, if you aren't in a relationship, how you interact with others, how you, uh, if you show respect, if you're pushy or anything like that's gonna show, it's gonna show cracks in your own self. And you have to be able to realize, you have to be able to sit back and go, okay, accountability time, is it me?

50:25 Is it me? Uh, you really, you really gotta, you gotta be honest with yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Don't just be honest with others. Be honest with yourself. Yeah. Take accountability for who you are and anything that you've done and try to make it right. Mm-hmm. Grow. Mm-hmm. For sure. And it forces communication. So like, you wanna talk about everything, everything. And, and so you talk and that makes you grow, makes you understand, makes you I don't even know what the word is, but Yes, it does. That I freaking love you. Yeah. You know, it, it, uh, I really love that we, um, that we have this podcast. Yeah. And primarily, you know. I mean, yeah. Going back to the validation is addicting, obviously, but I really love that we have this podcast because you have grown so much Yeah.

51:12 Over the, the span of that time because just talking things through is very therapeutic. We have great communication, uh, with each other on average, but then you put on this show, and obviously we have even better communication. We have to talk about things because, our relationship is basically on the stage for the whole world to see, uh, so, we don't wanna be fakes about this, what you see between us. This is real, this is our relationship, whether we're hitting record or not. Uh, and that it takes a, a very emotionally strong emotional intelligence Yeah. To be able to, to do that. Mm-hmm. And so I think it, I think growth is sexy.

51:54 It is. I do. I do. So with that being said, what do you wish that somebody warned you about and what would you tell your past self? Ooh. I know. I would, I would've a lot to say to my past. That's a whole nother show. Whole nother, those two questions are a whole nother show. I'm telling you actually those are. Probably good topics. I may look into that. Anyways, if this episode made you feel seen, we're really glad that you're here. And if you're new and you're feeling overwhelmed, you're not broken. You're just human. Yeah. So if you wanna share your story or what you wish you'd known, like I said earlier in the show, head to www.beyond.com and submit a Beyond Monogamy confessional.

52:34 It's completely anonymous, guys. It's incredible. That's right. And while you're on the site. You know, you can check out all of our other episodes. We have guest bios, we have blogs, we have Merge, we have upcoming events, and a ton of resources that we built for the community. Yes. And we're trying to bring more on board. Don't forget that. You can also listen to Beyond Monogamy Streaming on full swap radio.com every Thursday at 2:00 PM and 7:00 PM Central. Yeah. And don't forget to follow us. We can follow us on Spotify and Apple Podcasts and share this episode with someone who might need it. Pretty please. Pretty please. Yes. And with that, we would like to say thank you for joining us and as always, we will see you next week.

53:19 Bye.