Is a Couple's Play Partner Off Limits? The Etiquette Nobody Talks About — Beyond Monogamy QUICKIE

0:07 Alright y'all, before we dive in, a quick heads up. This show is raw, real, and definitely not rated pg. We're talking about adult themes, sexual content, and the kind of stuff you probably don't want blasting through your speakers at work or around your kits. So grab some headphones, pour your drink of choice and get comfy. Oh, and just so we're clear, we are not licensed therapists, counselors, or sex. Couches. Sex coaches. Sex coaches, not sex couches or just a couple of people sharing our lives, experiences and sexy adventures. An ethical non-monogamy.

0:47 So with that, pull up a chair and enjoy the show. And. Hello and welcome to another episode of Beyond Monogamy. I'm Adam. And I'm Pris. And today's quickie, we are talking about one of those unwritten lifestyle rules that nobody puts in a handbook. What do you do when you meet a couple's play partner and you kind of wanna have them for yourself? Yeah, we got a message from a friend of the show and honestly, when I read it, I thought. How has nobody talked about this yet? Because mm-hmm. It is so real. Mm-hmm. Like, it, it happens. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I, um, I've actually seen this before and I would ask myself the same, this question right here, how do you know what their rules are, right?

1:36 Mm-hmm. Because is it that girl that's just a girlfriend to the girlfriend, to the, a girlfriend to the, is it. An open poly situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I mean, realistically what, what I gathered was, what he was asking was what's the etiquette there? Yeah. What's the proper decorum? Like, what are the rules on Ooh. And so we're gonna get into this, but before we do. If you've ever found yourself in a situation like this, or you just want more real judgment free conversations about the lifestyle, you know, you can head over to www beyond-monogamy. com. Mm-hmm. That's our OneStop Shop. Episodes, blogs, events, merch. That's right. Guys, we are about to come out with some amazing merge that's about to drop.

2:22 I'm hoping to drop it on Easter and you get a certain discount. If you leave a review, damn. Just letting you know. Subscribe and like guys Absolutely. Turn on your notifications. That's right. Because then you'll know, uh, when this bickering bitch is on. That's right. And don't forget that we have the anonymous confessional on our website so you can load up whatever you gotta get off your chest. Yeah. No judgment. We promise half mostly. Alright, so let's, uh, let's get into this message. I'm gonna go ahead and read it. Ooh. Stomach's turning. Really? Yeah. I'm excited. So here's what our friend sent, I'm gonna read it all exactly how he wrote it, because honestly, the confusion in it is the point.

3:07 Okay? So how to handle meeting someone who's a play partner to someone else already, and what you should do if maybe you want them to be a play partner to you or your couple. We recently met new friends. It was three of them, a couple, and their play partner. We all hit it off, but then we liked their partner, but we didn't know how to handle asking or if their partner was off limits, do we test the friendship or is it one of those, mine is mine type deals. Yeah, that's a lot of questions. That's, that's a lot. Yeah, that's a lot. There's a lot of, of, uh, there's actually a few things hiding in that.

3:47 One is a couple's play partner automatically off limits to other people. Two, if you are interested, how do you even talk to them first? Hmm. And three, how do you bring it up without torching a brand new friendship? Okay. Okay. I know how you can bring it up. First of all, you're gonna know they're one. The woman is No one's property. No one's property. Correct. That's true. So she True is a human being who does not belong to any of them. With that being said, Adam belongs to me and I belong to Adam. They, we have our agreements, so, so you don't know that, right? And you don't know what their agreements are.

4:28 Yeah. So you don't know that. And putting that aside for a bit, right? It's just there, you should be able to have that conversation with anybody that you meet very smoothly because you're gonna ask them, Hey, so, so what are y'all's dynamics? Once you ask that and you're just asking in conversation because we're lifestylers, we wanna know what your dynamic is. Right. You already know they are a throuple or whatever. Just ask 'em. Like, be like, okay, so cool. What's y'all's dynamics? Yeah. You know, how do y'all play? Yeah. You know, they're pretty simple, um, questions and I think they're very open-ended.

5:10 They can be. I mean, they can be, they can be a little open-ended. Yeah. I just feel like there's way more to it than it being that easy. I mean, the first point is very, very valid in the fact that mm-hmm. Nobody know. Nobody owns anybody. Yeah. Each person in any relationship, no matter what the dynamic is their own person. Yes. As a person standing on the outside looking inside, yeah. You don't know what kind of agreements that they have. No. Uh, and if we've learned anything about being non-monogamous, it's that there's a label for every frigging thing there is. There's a label for everything, you know, and anybody can slap a label on themselves. And we know of people who are.

5:52 A lot stronger than just a sexual relationship. Mm-hmm. Maybe they have a, a poly situation ship going on. Maybe they're closed Polly. Yeah. They situation, they're closed where they occasionally swing. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, we've run into that before. And so if you don't communicate that, if you don't ask them initially, Hey, what's your dynamic? How is this all connected? Yeah. Like, make it fun, you know? Maybe tell a story of somebody that y'all were in a relationship with without naming names. You know, like if that's, if you wanna open the conversation, you can be like, Hey, you know, um, that's cool. You have a girlfriend, Adam and I had a girlfriend. Yeah.

6:32 You know? Yeah. Um, read the room. Read the room, read the, read the vibes room. You can see how they interact with each other. Yeah. And yeah, exactly. You can ask and then in there you can be like, yeah, you know, it didn't work for us because whatever, um. She wanted it to be closed, but it wasn't. You can make up whatever story you want. Or if you ever had that happen, what happened then that opens your door to be like, okay, they're gonna be like, oh, this is our situation. Yeah. You know, and I, you know, I've heard this very interesting situation come up in lifestyle from different people before. It's, it's this very. Interesting situation where somebody new will come into the lifestyle.

7:13 Mm-hmm. Either a new single or a new couple. And they will be spotted by an experienced couple who kind of swoop in and scoop them up, so to speak. Mm-hmm. Uh, you know, and they, they all kind of have this whirlwind of fun and I've heard stories. So I, I've heard these stories before of these couples swooping in and. Taking up these new people. Mm-hmm. Kind of as, I don't know, teachers. Mm-hmm. Or, you know, show 'em the ropes, so to speak. But what they end up doing is they end up telling everybody else, Hey, these are our people. Yes. You know what I mean?

7:54 They get very territorial of very, of these people. Yes. Without the new people knowing. Yes. And I've heard of this situation before a few different times. Oh, we've seen it, we've seen it before. Uh, you know, and, and it's, it's not a good situation. Yeah. Unless it's something that everybody's agreed on. And in these situations that wasn't the case. And so that is something that you, you don't want to just talk to the couple. Yeah. About this. Yeah. You want to talk to the third to all of 'em at some point. Yeah. Yeah. You wanna make sure that they're all on the same level of whatever they're agreeing on. Yeah. Yeah. It's, and it I feel like it's not really a hard question to ask. Well, it's not for us, uh, now. Yeah. Because we, I, I, I think one thing that we had said when we were doing our, our workshop at Forbidden Fruit this past Sunday mm-hmm.

8:41 Was that. When you've had some of the hardest, uncomfortable conversations mm-hmm. In the lifestyle. Mm-hmm. Anything else is just easy to talk about. Yeah, that's very true. And so for me, asking those questions, just coming out with it, yeah. I tend to overshare and I tend to ask a lot of really Yeah. In depth questions to people when we first meet, same I am. He usually starts it and then we just bounce off of each other because we already know what we want. We already know what we want and what our rules and boundaries are, and we're very open to it. Yes. So yes, we want the other people to know as well. Yeah. So, you know, if I had to really advise this person on, on what to do, how to do it, me personally, you know, I would start out with, have a conversation with all three of them.

9:33 Y'all as a couple can sit down. You can have a conversation with all three of them whenever y'all all hang out and be like, Hey, you know, so what's, what's the connection here? Mm-hmm. I've said that with other couples that we've met. That are attached to other couples. Yeah. It's like, okay, who's connected to who and Yeah. And how does this all work? I guarantee you. They like to talk about that shit. They do Swingers love to talk about themselves. Yes. And their connections. And couples will talk about couples. Absolutely. So all you gotta do is ask. Now I understand it. It may come off as uncomfortable if you don't do it often. But. I promise you all it takes is the one time to, you know, really come out there and not like you have a secondary motive, but like you're actually interested in finding out what is the situation.

10:20 I have, I have a question for you. Yeah. Who should start it? Because say if it's you and I, yeah. And. We've been in the lifestyle for three years or whatever. Sure. So we're, we're pr we talk. Sure. You know, we listen to this really cool podcast called Beyond Monogamy with Adam and Prince. Yeah, I hear it's good. And they, you know, they give us a lot of advice. Yeah. I hear amazing. Which is cool that Adam's a handsome dude. Who should, who, which one of us should it be? Who do you think would do it here? Me or you? As far as breaking that into the conversation? If we're meeting up, it comes off better from one or the other. If we're meeting up with a couple that has a third Who would bring it up?

11:00 Mm-hmm. I would think. If it's something, if it's somebody that we're both attracted to Uhhuh, I tend to stay back and let you take the lead. Yeah. So it would most likely be you. Yeah. If you were that interested in somebody, you know, you would, you would, I can guarantee you I would, in your cute little pri way, you'll go out there and you'll go, so who are you with? You know, and that whole thing. And what does, how does this work? Yeah. Um, people tend to. Dig your curiosity. Yeah. As a very cutesy, yeah. Yeah. Uh, so do we, do we know, did we say who? That we know these people that wrote this letter or No. So anytime we tell a story here, it's anonymous. Unless they tell us to say who they are, we don't ever talk about who. So yeah.

11:41 I would think Me too. 'cause I am, I can't, I can, uh, I'm really good at starting that conversation. I'm, you know, those I loved. To have those kind of conversations because he is right. If I'm attracted to you, I'm gonna ask that. Yeah. Like, so what's up? What is y'all's, you know, what does y'all, it's funny. Say it's funny because you, you were always that type of person. Mm-hmm. Before I was mm-hmm. When it came to other people just. Word vomiting out your, all the time, your questions still do I a podcast right now. I love bug edits Would back, I would sit back and I'd be like, oh my God, you did not just ask that. And it would always go off. Well, we, we'd have, we, it would open into a, a great conversation.

12:25 Yeah. But I remember we would go to meet greets and you would meet people. Yeah. And it just blah. Yeah. And I'd be like, oh my God. She totally just said that. I'm me. I'm me and I am so, yeah. Unfiltered. And I'm not rude about it. No, you're not rude about it. That's why it always works out. I'm curious. I'm curious. It's just curiosity, curious. Curiosity. But that's where I learned that it's okay to say the uncomfortable thing out loud, and that's really where I started learning that people actually appreciate a lot of times when you say the uncomfortable thing out loud. Mm-hmm. Because it releases a lot of pressure from their end, they're carrying this weight, they know that they have somebody attached to them.

13:06 Yeah. Whenever we have our unicorn friends come with us to the club. Yeah. I make it a point to always let them know, Hey look, you're not tied down to us. Exactly. You go have your fun, you go talk to whomever, like we're all going together and you've got a safe space. Mm-hmm. And you can tag along with us as much as you want, but you do not have to stay by our side the whole time. Right. And I know people have come up to us and we've introduced our friend to whomever. And people will assume. Yeah. Whatever. Yeah. You know, and that's. It happens. Yeah, it does. But if you're really curious, you should just say it. Yeah. Yeah. Just be like, Hey, this is what it is. I, I am really interested and just do it, like whoever the bubblier of the couple and just be like, I'm really curious, what is this?

13:54 What's going on here? Yeah. And if you're in text, even easier, like be like, are y'all all? Do y'all swing all of y'all? Or you know, make it fun. Yeah. Yeah. Now you know that that's the only thing is that you wanna make sure that you respect, obviously their, their boundaries, their agreements. If they are in a poly situationship or whatever the, you know, whatever they say they are. Mm-hmm. You have to respect that, obviously. Yeah. And that's why you want to find out upfront, I, if you ask, it's, you're coming off as respectful. If you don't ask, then you're just gonna, you're either gonna throw yourself out there or you're not. So I say just say the thing.

14:36 You know what I mean? Just say the thing. Word vomit. Yeah, word vomited. It works for us all the time. It really does actually. We have some great conversations. Yeah. And you know, it's the lifestyle we should, we, we need to make sure that we're doing that. That's the norm. To make those uncomfortable conversations be the absolute only conversation you have if you have it upfront and. Everyone will be done guessing. There's no guest game, yeah. It is. It's all there. We're in the lifestyle for a reason. We all wanna have fun. That's true. Let's find out what kind of fun we can have. Let's find out what kind of fun we can have. Yeah. So I hope that that, uh, answers your question there, my friend.

15:16 I know you're listening and hopefully that that takes care of that. Now I wanna move on to something new here. What? Yeah. Well, you know. I wanted to bring up the fact that you have been exceptionally horny the past couple of weeks. I have. There's been a switch Yes. Uh, on you. Yes. That's been turned on and it's like you can't get enough. Yeah. And I think that's frigging awesome. Yeah. I think it's my estrogen patch and also I've had some real good mental conversations with myself. And am feeling better about myself. Yeah. You know, you glow more. Yeah. You seem to have a, a different kind of energy.

15:56 Yeah. I feel better about myself. I feel better about our relationship and I feel like I'm just, just a bit happier. So you mind like, chipping off a little bit of what, what you've been having these mental conversations about. Like, so what's, uh, what's going on? I have things sometimes that trigger me. They trigger me into a really bad headspace of Polly. Yeah. The Polly days. Yeah. And I don't care for the Polly days. Yeah. No. Anybody that listens to the podcast knows that wasn't my thing. Yeah. And so something happened or something came up. From that area, from that time, and it triggered me into like just triggering, just spiraling.

16:43 And I was like, put the brakes, huh? Hold up. Let me ask my husband this question. Are there any feelings there? Are there any romantic feelings there? Yeah. And he said no. And I was like, okay. Cool. Went back to washing dishes and then that was something, and then like something else, I saw a text or something and I was like, damn. Oh no. I was on TikTok and I saw this video about emotional cheating. The emotional cheating. Yeah. Yeah. We had a talk about that. Yeah. And then. I had seen an emotional cheating. What is it? What is it baby? Uh, emotional cheating is according to what we read, it's, it's when you go out and basically spend your time with other people instead of your partner.

17:34 You, you tell them Yeah. How much you miss them. And you, it's lot of say, yeah, it's a lot. A conversations or people are very romantic. It's pretty, pretty explanatory. Yes. That I saw something and it triggered me again, and I was like, damn, no. No. And I was kind of, kind of a little cold that week. Oh yeah. I was just like, not like in my head. I was literally in my head, oh, you were on Mars. I was talking to a I about it. I was talking to my friend about it and I was like, this is not me. I, this is not gonna be me. And then I sat back and I was like, huh.

18:16 I asked my husband a question and my husband answered me honestly. And then I was like, this man is never ever going to ruin this relationship. No. At all. No, He's never gonna ruin this relationship. Because I'm a really great wife. Yeah. I'm an exceptional wife. Yeah. Am I jealous? Fuck yes. Am I territorial at times? Totally. Fuck yes. Am I mean to my husband sometimes? Yes. So much, so much. Yes. I'm, it's so bad. So bad, But I get to have sex with other women, so no.

19:00 But I love him more than any of those other little things. I do like making fun of him. True, I do. And now that I'm getting older, I'm a little spicier and it's so much fun and he knows my superpower, so he lets me do whatever I want. Yeah, Yeah. So I, I love him. I love him so much. And so I sat back and I was thinking about that and I was like, have that uncomfortable conversation with your man ' cause he knows something's bothering you. I was like, damn, let me get my words together. I have really bad A DHD.

19:40 And so it takes me a while to get the words to you. Like it takes you a while to find my mood. It takes me a while to ha be in the mood. Yeah, man. I know. 'cause I was asking you, I gave you so many opportunities to come out with it because I knew something was bothering you and I'm dropping hints. Oh, blatant, please. We should do a show about, and I'm like, you do you have something to say to me? And she was like, no. And he, he's very talking about patient with me because like, okay. Some people just give up, like they don't wanna know, like they're like, uh, whatever. And you know, I know you you're my soulmate man. Like, you're my best friend. I know you, you do. And I know when something's bothering you and especially when it lasts a long time.

20:22 Yeah. It kind of reminded me of the days when we were poly. Yeah. How disconnected you were. I was too overwhelmed and it kind of started after my birthday and it just kind of, I was just festering feelings of, I really wanna have a conversation with him. I really need to figure out why I'm feeling like this. And. I sat back and I was like, holy shit, why are you so fucking scared? He going nowhere. He is not gonna, if you talk to him and you tell him exactly how you're feeling and it's gonna be fine, it's gonna be great. And so we did. We did. We had a really good conversation that we did, and then we fucked.

21:07 So good that we did, and ever since then, ooh, it has been like, I don't know, not a, maybe a weight on my own shoulders because I put so much pressure on myself to be. To hold everything in, to hold all my feelings in. Oh man. And you know, that's the worst. 'cause you don't have to do that. I don't. And I'm gonna tell you, P-T-S-D-I was very reactive. He was very reactive to my reactiveness. True. And so we would have arguments. They would be really hard arguments because I couldn't, I didn't know how to get my words together, and so he would, he was faster, and I was like, wait, am I getting my words across?

21:53 I think it finally took some time for me to finally say, or you to finally say, baby, just hold on. Take your time. I know you wanna argue your side, but you're getting it all mixed up. Taught me how to argue with you. Yeah. Yeah. And now he doesn't like that. Oh no, you're good. You're good. You're good at arguing with me now. Yeah. And I'm on meds. Yeah. But I didn't wanna have those conversations with him 'cause I did not want him to feel like he was causing me to feel that way. 'cause he gets very heartbroken. I don't like hurting your feelings. Yeah. Yeah. And so it kind of like shut him down for a little bit. And I had to tell him, you know, and it's it was nice. It was really good.

22:33 Good conversations, you know, that's the thing about it is, and even still, here we are, we're, we're we, what do we say in every show? Communication. Yeah. Communication. Communication. You gotta talk about everything. And even us, we have communication issues. Yeah. Because obviously she couldn't drop it right away. She couldn't throw it at me and I knew something was wrong. Yeah. And I would ask her, every single time something came up, a big hint dropped and it was like, is there something you want to tell me? No. No. I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah. And I was like, okay. And, uh, you know, it, when it finally came out, I was like, you know, I knew.

23:15 And Yeah, I could have brought it up just the same way as when we were poly. Yeah. And I knew you wanted to stop being poly. Yeah. I could have brought it up. But it needed to be you. Mm-hmm. It wasn't on me to push it out of you. It's on you to let it out. Yeah. And if you had kept it inside for God knows how long we'd still be going on this. Yeah. This merry-go-round. And then, you know, when you get to that. I love Adam, like he is my soulmate. He's my partner. He my everything to me. But I didn't know how to bring it up, right? And so the little hints, and then after that I was like, oh. Oh, this was, this was easy. All right, cool. Oh, I was also gonna say he didn't know what he was doing.

23:58 Was hurt. Gonna hurt my feelings at all? I never do. Yeah. At all. Like, he didn't know, like it wasn't a malicious thing. And so he can't also help me walk 'cause I can't be in your head. Whatever's triggering you. I don't know All of your triggers. Exactly. And I don't know what's gonna Yeah. And I don't even think you do. Yeah. Until it happens. Until it happens. And so once it happens, until you tell me I have, yeah. I have no idea. And you know, it's not, they're not arguments. We have that thing. Like if you didn't know, I understand. You didn't know. And so he knows now. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, I feel like that's why I feel so good, and I feel so. I want you every minute because of my patch and my mental state.

24:42 Yeah. And it kind of de-stresses me. So I, I do want to talk about the patch for a second. 'cause I know that there's a lot of women out there who are going through menopause. Yeah. And you are currently going through menopause. Yes. And you are on a, an estrogen patch. I'm on an estrogen patch that you have to change out what? Once a week I change out once a week. It's a little patch. And you have to wear it on your. Torso, your tors, somewhere on your torso. And so I always put it on the side of my, you know, my belly. It's, it does it, you know, it gives you, and it's a noticeable difference. Yeah. It, because it's a hormone replacement therapy is what it is. Uh, it's the one my insurance covers, and so that's the one I have. I prefer the patch because the the oral meds like, cause blood clots.

25:26 And forget about it. That's scary. I'd get one. Yeah. I, no, just, I think this one does too, but it's lighter or something. Yeah. An estrogen. I'm taking estrogen, not progesterone or whatever the other one is Roan. I don't know how to say it, but he'll fix that part. I don't know how to say it. Just put it over my head somewhere. I don't Oh. Um, because I don't have a uterus and I only have one ovary. Wanted estrogen. I don't have to take if you still have a uterus, you have to do the other one with the PI dunno what it's so yeah, it's, I think it's working. And so you, you had mentioned that it raises my libido when you have the patch on, when, when you're Yeah. On hormones mm-hmm. That you.

26:06 Your sex drive is higher. Yeah. And your want for it is, yeah. Is much higher. I mean, but also your emotions are Oh, my emotions are up and down. Yeah. You, I was crying like I was on a PMS and Adam was just the biggest asshole ever. And why did I get married and, oh my God. To, oh my God, we built this. He is, oh my God, he's no. This is not how, like I went through that in a matter of like 30 minutes, dude. Yeah, that sounds about right. So, I will tell you, I know my worth. Good. I know what value I bring into this relationship. Good. I know. What a great wife I am. What a great woman I am.

26:46 What a great mom I am. I know that without anybody telling me any of that. And I know my partner and I'm gonna trust, he's always making a good decision when he is doing whatever, and I'm always at the front of his head, like I'm always there, you know? Right there. Yeah. I love him and I know that he loves me. And so I think that's putting me in a better mood because we have those good conversations. I may not like him next week, but today. I love the guts outta him. That's the patch. Talking. There you go. That's just the patch talking guys, don't worry. We're gonna have sex later. It'll be fine. Yeah. Uh, you know, it's funny because.

27:29 I wanted to, to bring all of this up because this is our relationship mm-hmm. This podcast mm-hmm. Is our relationship. And we really don't talk about our sex lives right now. And, and we really don't. But, you know, it's, it's good to discuss these things because, uh, you know, we're always telling people, oh yeah, we've been through this and we've been through that. We still go through it. It's 15 years later and we still go through it. There's still things that we're learning about each other. There's still things that have to come up that we have to work on, and. It's effort, man. Yeah. Like the moment you stop giving that effort towards each other is the moment that you start giving up on your relationship. Bye-bye. And if you're gonna do that. The lifestyle is not gonna work out for you.

28:09 Mm-hmm. So, correct. You know, the basis of this lifestyle is your relationship. Mm-hmm. And how strong you can keep it. Mm-hmm. And communicate, man, communicate all the way. And so I did all the way. And, and so that's, that's where we're at. You know, it's, she's feeling great. Yes. She's doing awesome. And because of that, I'm doing awesome. Happy wife, happy life. Correct. As they say. That's correct. And so yeah, we're. Living it up. All right, let's go ahead and land this plane. If you find yourself in this situation, uh, that we talked about earlier today, uh, you meet couples, play partner, you vibe, you're wondering what to do. Remember that that person is not a prize.

28:51 They're not automatically off limits, but they're also not yours to pursue without some. Thoughtfulness. Yeah. Get to know them. Let them lead. Have the conversation when the time is right and the pressure is low. Oh yeah. And if it works out, be transparent with everyone involved. Yeah. And if it doesn't be cool. Mm-hmm. Lifestyle's built on community and trust. Says everything. Yeah, it does. And a big shout out to our friend for sending this. This is exactly the kind of real life situation we wanna talk about on our show. So keep them coming guys. Yeah, if you've got a topic, a question or something you wanna get off your chest, head to www on monogamy.com.

29:31 All of our episodes, blogs, events, merch, and the anonymous confessional are right there waiting for you. We read them. You've heard it? Yes. We use them. Zero judgment. Okay. And we are live every Thursday on full swap radio.com. Two shows, 2:00 PM and 7:00 PM Central. Come hang out, get in the chat. Be part of the conversation. Yeah. Now if this one hit home, share it with someone who actually needs to hear it. Leave us a review on Apple or Spotify that genuinely helps more people find the show and subscribe so you never miss a quickie or a full episode dropping every Sunday.

30:13 Uh, and with that, we thank you guys for listening and we will see you guys next week. Bye.