Poly Meets Lifestyle: We Finally Sat Down With Multiamory and It Did Not Disappoint

Look, we've been doing this show for a while now. We've talked to swingers, educators, coaches, couples who've been through it all and somehow come out smiling. But when we booked Dedeker Winston, Jase Lindgren, and Emily Sotelo Matlack from Multiamory? Adam may have done a little victory lap around the living room. Just a small one. Very dignified.

If you've been in the ENM world for more than five minutes and somehow haven't heard of Multiamory, first of all — bless your heart. Second of all, here's the quick version: Multiamory is a research-backed, evidence-based podcast that's been tackling non-monogamy, polyamory, and modern relationships since 2014. Hundreds of episodes, millions of downloads, featured in NPR, Cosmopolitan, Oprah Daily, and basically every publication that's ever said the word "polyamory" without panicking. They also wrote the book — literally. Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships is out now everywhere books are sold, and Emily narrated the audiobook herself because of course she did.

How Three People Survived a Collapsing Quad and Built an Empire

We started the episode asking how the three of them actually came together — and the answer is equal parts romantic chaos and pure stubbornness. They met through a quad in Los Angeles back when they were all actors (of course they were), and when that quad started to fall apart — as quads do — they just... kept recording the podcast anyway. Through breakups, tears, and at least one crying session mid-episode (Emily's words, not ours), they kept showing up. That is either extremely healthy or extremely unhinged, and we genuinely can't decide which. Either way, it worked.

The key, they said, was that they never made the show about their own personal drama. They talked about concepts — communication, jealousy, relationship dynamics — not their own messy lives in real time. Dedeker summed it up beautifully by quoting philosopher Carrie Jenkins on "eudaimonic love" — love built around a shared purpose rather than just feelings. The three of them are essentially co-parenting a podcast baby. A very successful, very well-adjusted podcast baby.

Poly vs. Swinging: The Great Divide (That's Closing)

Here's the part Adam had been waiting for. Because when you host a swinger-forward podcast and you're sitting across from polyamory royalty, you have questions.

Jase broke it down better than anyone we've heard: when poly people start out, they're usually coming from a place of "love is infinite, connection is everything, all relationships matter deeply." When swingers start out, they're usually coming from "we have ONE relationship and here are seventeen rules to protect it." And over time? Both communities drift toward the middle. Poly people relax about casual sex. Swingers start letting actual feelings happen without having a meltdown about it. Pris nodded very aggressively during this part.

Dedeker also gave swingers a compliment that's going on a t-shirt: "Swingers are just more fun." The poly community, she said, sometimes has a stick up its collective ass about things. She said it with love. We received it with joy.

Unicorn Hunters: The Topic That Launched A Thousand Arguments

Adam raised it. Pris winced slightly. The Multiamory trio handled it with the grace of people who have answered this question several hundred times.

In the swinging world, a couple looking for a unicorn (a bisexual woman willing to play with both of them) is just... how a huge chunk of people enter the lifestyle. Normal. Common. Not weird. In the poly community, "unicorn hunter" is practically a slur — because it often describes couples who want to bring a third person into their relationship structure while giving that person zero agency, zero decision-making power, and a spot that can be revoked at any moment if feelings get too "unequal."

Emily made the nuanced point that it doesn't have to be predatory — some people genuinely enjoy being a unicorn, enjoy the novelty and attention, and enter it with full awareness. The problem is newbies who come in with a rigid checklist and no room for the third person to be, you know, a human. Jase also pointed out — correctly — that the whole "women are safe" assumption is just the one-penis policy wearing a sundress. Pris confirmed she says exactly this on TikTok. Regularly.

Jealousy: Everybody Has Their Price

Adam made the claim that he's not really a jealous person. Dedeker (who is literally writing a book on jealousy) politely but firmly pushed back. Her thesis: jealousy isn't just a personality trait, it's contextual. The research shows you can feel completely secure in one relationship and deeply insecure in another simultaneously. Everyone has conditions that trigger jealousy — and everyone has conditions that create deep security. Nobody gets to claim full immunity.

Adam's actual jealousy trigger? When someone else makes Pris laugh. He used to do stand-up comedy. He loves being her favorite audience. When some other guy makes her crack up, there's a flicker. He admitted it. It was very cute. We're not going to let him forget it.

Pris's approach has evolved too — she's learned to name exactly what's making her jealous in real time, even if it sounds small, even if it sounds dumb. "I didn't like what that girl said to you at the meet and greet, don't talk to her." That's it. That's the communication. It works.

What To Do When One Partner Wants Poly and the Other Wants... Not That

This is the number one question that hits Adam and Pris's inbox, and Jase handled it beautifully: it's not about whether both partners have the same orientation — it's about whether they're okay with each other's orientation. A person who wants casual sex and a person who wants deep poly entanglement can absolutely be compatible, as long as neither one is judging or fearing what the other one is doing.

Adam shared that he's probably poly-hearted at his core. Pris is not, or she wasn't. But she's getting there, slowly, on her own terms. And Adam refuses to rush her — because the relationship is always the priority. He waited. She's coming around. That's the story. It's a good one.

Go Find Multiamory. Right Now. We Mean It.

If any part of this conversation hit home — go subscribe to Multiamory wherever you listen to podcasts. Seriously, if you were out here in 2016 trying to figure out non-monogamy with no guidance and a bunch of unhelpful Facebook groups telling you to "just Google it" — this is the show you needed. Better late than never.

• 🌐 Website: multiamory.com
• 📸 Instagram: @multiamory_podcast
• 💬 Community & ad-free episodes: multiamory.supercast.com
• 📚 Book: Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships by Dedeker Winston, Jase Lindgren & Emily Sotelo Matlack — on Amazon, Audible, Barnes & Noble, and at your local bookstore or library

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