Kink 101: Fetish vs. Kink, Power Exchange & Hot Wifing with The Kink Consultant

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All right, y'all.

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Before we dive in, a quick heads-up

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This show is raw, real,
and definitely not rated PG

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We're talking about adult themes,
sexual content, and the kinda stuff you

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probably don't want blasting through
your speakers at work or around your kids

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So grab some headphones, pour your
drink of choice, and get comfy

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Oh, and just so we're clear,
we are not licensed therapists,

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counselors, or sex couches.

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Sex coaches.

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Sex coaches.

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Not sex couches

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We're just a couple of people sharing
our lives, experiences, and sexy

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adventures in ethical non-monogamy.

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So with that, pull up a
chair and enjoy the show

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Hello, and welcome to another
episode of Beyond Monogamy.

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I'm Adam.

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And I'm Pris.

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And today we are stepping outside
of our usual non-monogamy lane, just

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for a second, and into a world that
overlaps with it more than people

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realize, and that's the kink world.

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Yeah, so full transparency,
we are pretty new to kink.

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It's only a world we've seen
but not really been immersed in.

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So whether you're brand new and kink
curious or you've been in the scene for

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years, today's conversation is for you.

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That's right.

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Our guest is Amanda Dames, also
known as The Kink Consultant.

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That's right.

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Ooh,

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I like it.

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Yeah.

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She's a certified somatic sex and
relationship coach and certified

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sexologist based out of Las
Vegas, one of our favorite joints.

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And she spends her days helping
individuals and couples understand their

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kinks, build confidence in exploring
them, and maybe most importantly,

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actually talking to their partners
about them without that shame spiral.

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Yes.

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Yeah.

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So

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Amanda, welcome to Beyond Monogamy.

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Yes.

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Thank you

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so

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much- Welcome to the show

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for having me.

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Yes.

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You guys are in, like, my favorite
stage of talking to kinksters of, like-

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… we're dipping our toes in and, like,
we're figuring it all out and seeing-

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Almost … what's for us, what's not.

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Yes.

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Oh,

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it's so new.

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Yes.

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It's so new.

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Now we're gonna get all into that
for, i- but real quick, uh, if this

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is for your first time with us,
hit that follow or subscribe button

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everybody listening out there.

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Uh, wherever you're listening or watching
from, it genuinely helps the show,

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helps the algorithm, and you don't wanna
miss what's coming up later on in this

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episode, so we're gonna get into it.

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That's right.

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Yes.

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All right.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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We are, um, brand new.

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So I, when I think of kink,
I think of- pain, I guess.

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And so for me that's just not, um, pain
and what I would, I, I wouldn't call

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that now, but what I would have thought
before would be like ca- weird stuff.

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Like, you're gonna want pour
glue on me or something.

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What?

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You know?

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Whoa.

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Like something, like something weird.

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And I mean, now I don't think any of
that's weird, but yeah, that's, um, I

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think that's what I, I think of kink.

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I think of a weird, weird items,
weird thing, and then I think pain.

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So those are like-

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Well, it didn't help that the first
kink party that we ever got invited to-

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Oh

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um, we were swingers.

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We were still new swingers.

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I think we were maybe, uh, like a third,
fourth year as a swinger, and we got

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invited to a kink party thinking that
it was similar to a house swinger party.

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Yeah.

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Um, and it was certainly not.

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And we saw some really interesting stuff.

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Yeah.

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We saw fire play.

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Uh, we saw, uh, somebody
doing some knife play.

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We saw, uh, some spanking
with like spatulas, like the

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literal kitchen spatulas.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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A- and, and so, uh, from, from the
time that we were there, yeah, we…

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That was, that was very different from-

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Yeah

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…
from what we were expecting.

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And for research purposes only, where was
this party and how did you get invited?

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Yeah,

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you come on.

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We're not in it, but we know a lot
of people, so Amanda, , I'm new

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to you, so tell me who are you?

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What you doing?

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How'd you get here?

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Yeah.

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I… Okay.

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So I'm gonna try and like speed run the
answer because I think I was born kinky.

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Oh.

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From the age of five I was
obsessed with spanking.

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Okay.

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Not being spanked myself, but like if
one of my friends was being spanked or

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like I heard that they were gonna get in
trouble, I was like quietly so excited.

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I was like, "Oh my God," and if,
God forbid, they actually got taken

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and spanked and then came back,
I asked them so many questions.

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But I realized I was the only person
who cared, and that was weird.

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So I have been like, there was,
before I knew the word kink, I

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just thought I was weird, you know?

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So I understand the interchangeable
words- Yeah … of like weird and kink.

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Yeah.

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And it took me until I was about 13-
To realize, like I knew it was weird,

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and I knew to keep my mouth shut
about it and secretly be into it.

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Mm. But when I was 13, I was
watching some TV show late night.

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I grew up in Ireland.

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I'm American born here,
grew up in Ireland.

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Was watching late night TV in
Ireland, which is much less, uh,

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you know, they show everything.

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You can see a penis on cable at
like 10:00 PM at night, whereas-

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Oh, wow

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America is not like that.

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No.

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There was this couple, it was a
documentary show, and they were both

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submissive, and they wanted to go be
dommed by a dominatrix at a dungeon.

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And this is like a core life memory
because everything clicked into place.

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Like, it was just like I saw things clear.

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I was like, "Oh my God, this spanking
thing, this punishment obsession,

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it's something called kink."

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And my mind went logically, "Okay,
this is about sex, and when I turn

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18 I'll just go hire a dominatrix
to do these things to me- Okay.

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Yeah … and then life
will be f- like- Yeah.

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Luckily, a year later, like I got
my first boyfriend to spank me,

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and I was like, "Okay, I probably
don't need to hire a dominatrix."

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Don't have to pay for this.

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However, however, fast-forward about
10 years later, first boyfriend at

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14, 10 years later I move to New York
City, I'm 24, and I get a job as a

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dominatrix in a New York City dungeon.

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And- Ooh … it's not my full-time job.

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Okay.

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Full-time I'm working at the
Wall Street Journal, like- Okay

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training their customer service agents,
and then at night I finish work,

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and I like walk the 10 blocks down
Manhattan to the dungeon I'm working at.

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Very

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sexy.

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And oh, it was sexy.

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It was sexy to live a double life, to be
like- Yeah … moonlighting as a pro dom.

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I mean, uh, if you've never had the
opportunity to have a secret life- Right

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I highly recommend you find a way to do it
that is like, you know, consensual- Okay.

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… or you feel good about it.

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Yeah.

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Like, go for it.

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Go for it.

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Yeah.

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I've been telling her, Amanda.

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I tell her all the time.

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She doesn't listen.

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I'm like, Go enjoy yourself."

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Go live your life.

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I think if anyone even feels a
little bit like they wanna be

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a pro-dom, you gotta try it.

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So I was able to explore all of these
sides of kink, but, you know- Mm-hmm … I

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fell into that trap of, oh, I need
to be a upstanding member of society.

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I need to focus on my career.

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Mm-hmm.

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Let me leave the dungeon work and
just focus on going up the career

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ladder, which was not a bad choice.

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Financially it was a great
choice, but, like, my soul, I

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didn't realize it, was hurting.

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So I think- Oh … I spent a full
six years fully out of the, the

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kink, like, professional space-

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Mm-hmm

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…
until I was like, I
need to find a way back.

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And I always thought about it.

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I was like, "I'd love
to go be a dom again.

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I'd love to maybe even
just manage a dungeon.

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I would love to make it big in corporate
America, get a bunch of money, and

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open my own dungeon." Like, I was-
Yes … just thinking of all these,

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like, schemes of how I would do it, and I
discovered sex and relationship coaching.

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So I became certified, and I thought I'd
be a general sex and relationship coach,

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and I realized no, there are enough
kinky people who have gone through the

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struggles I went through of trying to find
a partner who understood me, my kinks,

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and fetishes, and I'm gonna get into
that, um, that I specialized in kink- Oh

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as a sex and relationship coach.

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And, uh, I was still working my
corporate America job when I started,

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so I, I wasn't ready to be like
Amanda Dames, the kink consultant.

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So instead I just called
myself the kink consultant.

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At the time, my website
was thekinkconsultant.com.

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The name Amanda Dames was
nowhere because I was- Mm-hmm

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still using it at Peacock where
I was, like, working- Yeah … as

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their director of retention strategy.

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And, uh, I started to make TikTok
videos about kink, and it started to

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resonate with people, and that's…
So I would say my business started

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then before I was- Wow … even fully-

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Out.

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Yeah.

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And- Now I help couples That's amazing.

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Yeah.

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I love my job too.

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It, it gave me a path back to talking
to people about their kinks and fetishes

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and how to really explore them in their
own life and in their marriage, as

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opposed to going to a dom, which I'm
very pro-dungeon, pro-dominatrix- Uh-huh

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… pro-sex work, but there are a lot of
people out there who want to explore it

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with their partner, and they don't- Yeah

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wanna go to a dungeon, and I
feel like I'm helping people

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carve that path for themselves.

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That is so interesting.

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Oh my gosh, man.

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That story alone, like we talk to a lot
of people on this show and that is a

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very, very specific story and, and what
I, what I liked about it is that you

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knew you were kinky from way back when.

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Yeah.

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Um, I always say that
about, uh, non-monogamy.

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Uh, I, I knew I was non-monogamous
when I was young, but I didn't

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know that there was a name for it.

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Um, and so you just kind of w- when you
finally get that label or you finally

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realize what it is and you look back
at it and you're like, "Oh, wow, okay.

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So this-

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Mm-hmm

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this tracks." Mm-hmm.

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You know?

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Uh, so I get that.

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This…

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Can I just say, this is why I love labels.

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I know labels have a bad rap, but
until there was a name for it, you

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didn't fully know what to look for.

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Mm-hmm.

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You didn't know what to look for to
research it and learn more- Mm-hmm

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… about the type of person you are.

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So while I don't want people to
attach themselves and hold to a

241
00:09:41,862 --> 00:09:45,572
label really tight, I love that you
were able to find the label that

242
00:09:45,572 --> 00:09:47,452
helped you explore more deeply.

243
00:09:47,832 --> 00:09:48,462
Yeah.

244
00:09:48,692 --> 00:09:52,052
Well, so, you know, for us it
started, uh, like I said, we,

245
00:09:52,062 --> 00:09:53,822
we were swingers at first.

246
00:09:54,142 --> 00:09:59,092
Um- Mm-hmm … and then, uh, in the,
in the swinging community, people…

247
00:09:59,102 --> 00:10:02,172
Y- you know, we were always trying to
find other couples and- Mm-hmm … and

248
00:10:02,172 --> 00:10:05,752
people to connect with, and there were
certain websites that we would get to.

249
00:10:06,112 --> 00:10:12,042
Uh, but many people would tell us, "Oh,
well, what's, uh, what's your fetlife?

250
00:10:12,252 --> 00:10:16,002
What's your fetlife?" And everybody would
always ask us, "What's your fetlife?" Um,

251
00:10:16,112 --> 00:10:19,522
and I was like, "I guess this is another
swinging website or a way to connect?"

252
00:10:19,532 --> 00:10:19,552
Yeah.

253
00:10:19,592 --> 00:10:24,442
And so I got, I, we got on our, our,
our fetlife and I think that's where we

254
00:10:24,442 --> 00:10:28,212
got invited to, uh, our f- first party
and- Yeah … we went to a kink party.

255
00:10:28,592 --> 00:10:33,762
Um, now I find it completely fascinating,
like I, the whole world of it.

256
00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:40,182
Uh, as soon as, um, I realized that
kink existed and, and kinda what it

257
00:10:40,182 --> 00:10:43,552
is, um, it just, it, it intrigued me.

258
00:10:43,662 --> 00:10:47,412
Uh, when we were at the, the, that
first party and the things that

259
00:10:47,412 --> 00:10:49,762
we saw, it was, it was incredible.

260
00:10:50,132 --> 00:10:54,072
Um, but my wife here had a
separate reaction where it, it

261
00:10:54,072 --> 00:10:55,542
was kind of triggering for her.

262
00:10:56,162 --> 00:11:01,192
Um, she's a, uh, a, a women's rights
champion and- So I would see- … that

263
00:11:01,192 --> 00:11:04,602
sort of thing … yeah, um,
and it wasn't like trauma.

264
00:11:04,602 --> 00:11:04,862
I didn't…

265
00:11:04,872 --> 00:11:05,632
It's not trauma.

266
00:11:05,632 --> 00:11:08,770
It was more of protection.

267
00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:13,770
So like these women would be, this
woman was in a straitjacket and-

268
00:11:13,780 --> 00:11:16,820
Yeah … they were, like, messing
with her, and she was trying to fight.

269
00:11:16,830 --> 00:11:19,630
She was laughing and being…
And happy of course, right?

270
00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:20,350
They put her in that.

271
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,910
But I didn't care for that.

272
00:11:23,030 --> 00:11:25,900
Like, I was like, this just
felt like bullying to me.

273
00:11:26,740 --> 00:11:30,610
Um, and then, like, when someone is
getting spanked, like, really hard, I

274
00:11:30,610 --> 00:11:34,840
know that they're enjoying it, but my
reaction is, "Give me the fucking paddle

275
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:36,390
and let me fucking beat this guy with it."

276
00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:36,800
Yeah.

277
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:37,210
You know?

278
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:38,150
Yeah.

279
00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:43,790
So it's, it's, it's, it… And I'm
trying to, to, like, just let it

280
00:11:43,790 --> 00:11:46,970
kind of just, just watch and just
e- enjoy, but it's like, mm, it…

281
00:11:47,130 --> 00:11:49,600
And it bores me, honestly.

282
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:50,850
Like, that's not something for me.

283
00:11:50,850 --> 00:11:52,780
Like, I literally will get
bored just being there.

284
00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:54,120
I'm like, "Okay.

285
00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:54,480
Let's

286
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,960
go." This is a really common reaction.

287
00:11:57,060 --> 00:11:57,090
Okay.

288
00:11:57,110 --> 00:11:58,640
No, this is super common.

289
00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:02,610
So a lot of people in the
swinger and poly and non-monogamy

290
00:12:02,610 --> 00:12:04,510
community, they're not the same
thing obviously, but s- Yeah, yeah

291
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:06,250
especially in the swinger community-

292
00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:06,680
Yeah

293
00:12:06,690 --> 00:12:09,720
…
where they throw swingers parties
and kinksters show up, or there's

294
00:12:09,740 --> 00:12:11,770
kink nights at the swingers party.

295
00:12:11,870 --> 00:12:12,310
Yeah.

296
00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:16,740
Swingers will joke that
kinksters must be asexual, right?

297
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:20,060
Because it's like, what the
fuck about this is sexy?

298
00:12:20,060 --> 00:12:21,820
How is this turning someone on?

299
00:12:22,020 --> 00:12:22,270
Oh.

300
00:12:22,300 --> 00:12:26,210
But it's a different form
of intimacy, you know?

301
00:12:26,220 --> 00:12:29,500
Mm. Between people, and
it's all happening, well,

302
00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:31,270
90% is in their headspace.

303
00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:35,450
Because to your point, how is it
a turn-on to be hit with a paddle?

304
00:12:35,460 --> 00:12:40,890
How is it a turn-on to be bullied
while you are, uh, in a straitjacket?

305
00:12:40,940 --> 00:12:41,470
Yeah.

306
00:12:41,470 --> 00:12:41,650
Right?

307
00:12:42,100 --> 00:12:42,580
Yeah.

308
00:12:42,620 --> 00:12:44,410
And it can be anti-feminist.

309
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:48,280
It can be anti-, uh, masculine,
quote, unquote, masculine.

310
00:12:48,290 --> 00:12:48,390
Mm-hmm.

311
00:12:48,390 --> 00:12:50,090
Some of these acts that you're seeing.

312
00:12:50,390 --> 00:12:54,090
And some of it's rebellion, but
also some of it is this headspace

313
00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:58,150
of what you're actually seeing is
humiliation, and that's- Mm-hmm … doing

314
00:12:58,150 --> 00:12:59,510
something for someone's brain.

315
00:12:59,540 --> 00:13:03,890
Um, power exchange, not being-
Ah … in power, but really, like,

316
00:13:03,890 --> 00:13:06,340
secretly kind of having control
'cause you have a safe word.

317
00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:11,730
A lot of people enjoy the experience
because they have the control

318
00:13:11,730 --> 00:13:13,790
behind it, and it is their escape.

319
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:14,620
Mm.

320
00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:20,800
And I understand because I have
something called a fetish and- I'm not

321
00:13:21,450 --> 00:13:24,930
asexual, but for some people I could
almost be considered asexual in a way.

322
00:13:25,450 --> 00:13:29,970
A fetish is something where you
need to think about it to achieve

323
00:13:29,970 --> 00:13:31,940
arousal, and that has a really…

324
00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:33,510
Fetish has such a bad rap.

325
00:13:33,540 --> 00:13:37,290
Most people hear the word fetish and they
think, like, freak, they're going to jail,

326
00:13:37,300 --> 00:13:38,730
they're doing all these illegal things.

327
00:13:38,730 --> 00:13:42,160
They can't help themselves except they,
like- Yeah … they need to be touching

328
00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:44,040
feet or they're creeping on someone.

329
00:13:44,430 --> 00:13:47,750
All a fetish m- no, but tell me
that's not what we all think- Yeah.

330
00:13:47,750 --> 00:13:47,770
No.

331
00:13:47,770 --> 00:13:49,020
… when we hear the word fetish.

332
00:13:49,310 --> 00:13:49,670
Yeah.

333
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:53,030
I mean if- So- … and yeah, if you're not
educated or at least understand it, yeah.

334
00:13:53,030 --> 00:13:53,400
Yeah.

335
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:53,770
Yeah.

336
00:13:53,810 --> 00:13:57,290
I only- That's exactly what they
think … I remember, like, f- realizing,

337
00:13:57,910 --> 00:14:01,740
I thought I was kinky from the ages
of 14 to 24, and then I started to do

338
00:14:01,740 --> 00:14:04,930
more research even, like, while having
this job at the dungeon, and I realized

339
00:14:05,310 --> 00:14:07,020
I have something called a fetish.

340
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,240
And a fetish is a need to have.

341
00:14:09,330 --> 00:14:10,850
A kink is a nice to have.

342
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:15,960
So in order to- Oh … achieve arousal,
I need to be thinking about me getting

343
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:20,980
punished, me punishing someone, getting
spanked, but any type of punishment, like

344
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:22,840
being put in the corner can turn me on.

345
00:14:22,850 --> 00:14:22,870
Mm-hmm.

346
00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:26,410
I could literally get off to
just a fantasy where I got in

347
00:14:26,410 --> 00:14:29,900
trouble and got put in the corner
by my boyfriend for some reason.

348
00:14:30,150 --> 00:14:30,400
Mm-hmm.

349
00:14:30,410 --> 00:14:32,480
How non-sexual is that?

350
00:14:32,550 --> 00:14:33,520
Like, it's ridiculous.

351
00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:37,720
Like, I've c- I, I could come to the
thought of having to write lines, like

352
00:14:37,730 --> 00:14:39,350
old school punishment style things.

353
00:14:39,410 --> 00:14:39,820
Okay?

354
00:14:39,820 --> 00:14:39,850
Wow.

355
00:14:39,850 --> 00:14:44,000
I say all of this because that's an
e- extreme version people might not

356
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:48,620
think of but, like, uh, I, I'd put
money on this, but I don't have…

357
00:14:48,630 --> 00:14:50,050
We're not in person right now.

358
00:14:50,060 --> 00:14:55,910
I- if I asked you to name a fetish
that you've heard of, I have a feeling

359
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:57,580
you would say one specific fetish.

360
00:14:57,580 --> 00:14:59,780
So I'm, I'm gonna, like,
I wanna write it down.

361
00:14:59,910 --> 00:15:00,960
I'm not gonna change my answer.

362
00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:02,730
Name a fetish you've heard of.

363
00:15:04,180 --> 00:15:05,620
Uh, you go ahead.

364
00:15:05,940 --> 00:15:06,440
Um…

365
00:15:06,790 --> 00:15:07,580
Or you want me to say?

366
00:15:08,660 --> 00:15:09,150
Go ahead.

367
00:15:09,180 --> 00:15:11,290
Well, the first one that
comes to mind is foot fetish.

368
00:15:11,790 --> 00:15:11,990
Yeah.

369
00:15:11,990 --> 00:15:12,450
Bingo.

370
00:15:12,910 --> 00:15:12,930
Yeah.

371
00:15:12,940 --> 00:15:13,150
Okay.

372
00:15:13,150 --> 00:15:13,640
Yeah.

373
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:15,080
That's the one.

374
00:15:15,190 --> 00:15:18,260
Everyone's heard of foot
fetish before for two reasons.

375
00:15:18,270 --> 00:15:18,290
Yeah.

376
00:15:18,810 --> 00:15:20,910
One, it's becoming normalized, right?

377
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:21,010
Mm-hmm.

378
00:15:21,020 --> 00:15:22,210
It's made its way into the

379
00:15:22,730 --> 00:15:23,230
zeitgeist.

380
00:15:23,230 --> 00:15:23,320
Because

381
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:24,710
it's a tough economy.

382
00:15:24,710 --> 00:15:25,205
It has, yeah.

383
00:15:25,205 --> 00:15:26,240
Yeah, it's a tough economy.

384
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:26,445
You gotta sell those feet pics.

385
00:15:26,445 --> 00:15:26,616
It's such a tough economy.

386
00:15:26,616 --> 00:15:26,680
That's right.

387
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:31,290
Our freaking 19-year-old just said,
"Mom, you should sell feet pics."

388
00:15:31,610 --> 00:15:33,200
And I'm like, "Girl, I've been trying
to do that." I said, you gotta step into

389
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:34,780
the cake and you gotta mash your feet in.

390
00:15:34,860 --> 00:15:35,540
Yeah, there was a Kink
of the Hill episode.

391
00:15:35,540 --> 00:15:35,840
Yeah.

392
00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:36,300
It- Yeah.

393
00:15:36,350 --> 00:15:37,990
It's in the zeitgeist, right?

394
00:15:38,090 --> 00:15:38,390
Yeah.

395
00:15:38,390 --> 00:15:39,130
Yeah.

396
00:15:39,130 --> 00:15:42,440
And there's all these theories on
why people have a foot fetish, but

397
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:44,910
that's only just, like, the most
common one because I think it's

398
00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:46,520
actually one of the most normal ones.

399
00:15:46,530 --> 00:15:53,650
Like, I have clients who have, um, a
balloon fetish, a, um, a makeup fetish of,

400
00:15:53,650 --> 00:15:55,410
like, a smeared lipstick fetish, you know?

401
00:15:55,420 --> 00:15:55,450
Uh-huh.

402
00:15:55,460 --> 00:15:56,340
Like, things that…

403
00:15:56,570 --> 00:15:58,910
And that kind of goes hand-in-hand
with their smoking fetish.

404
00:15:58,910 --> 00:16:02,870
But my point is- Uh-huh … they have
one thing or one thought that they need.

405
00:16:02,870 --> 00:16:07,250
I, I have a couple of clients who have
enema fetishes for different reasons, and

406
00:16:07,250 --> 00:16:09,230
they need these things in order to orgasm.

407
00:16:09,950 --> 00:16:11,200
Some were born with them.

408
00:16:11,340 --> 00:16:13,010
Some is from trauma.

409
00:16:13,090 --> 00:16:17,240
You know, it- Uh-huh … there's no magic
thing that all kinks come from this.

410
00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:17,550
Just, you just like

411
00:16:17,550 --> 00:16:17,700
it.

412
00:16:17,730 --> 00:16:18,090
Yeah.

413
00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:19,290
You just like it, right?

414
00:16:19,410 --> 00:16:19,810
Yeah.

415
00:16:19,870 --> 00:16:22,450
Fetish is common and an easy
one to point to because it's a

416
00:16:22,460 --> 00:16:24,130
very… Like, everyone sees feet.

417
00:16:24,140 --> 00:16:25,780
There's nothing actually dirty about it.

418
00:16:25,780 --> 00:16:25,850
Uh-huh.

419
00:16:25,850 --> 00:16:28,210
It's just some people don't like
feet, and, uh, apparently some

420
00:16:28,210 --> 00:16:31,640
people love feet, but no one's going
to jail because they love feet.

421
00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:32,290
Yeah.

422
00:16:32,290 --> 00:16:35,130
And if they are, that's an extreme, right?

423
00:16:35,130 --> 00:16:37,470
That's, like, a paraphilia where
they are- Yes … putting themselves

424
00:16:37,470 --> 00:16:38,870
in danger to experience it.

425
00:16:39,210 --> 00:16:39,590
Right.

426
00:16:39,660 --> 00:16:43,030
You could also have a power exchange
fetish, and the reason I'm going on

427
00:16:43,030 --> 00:16:47,090
this whole tangent and going deep on
this is because a lot of people don't

428
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:50,800
understand when their partner says they
have a kink and they're like, "I need

429
00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:54,180
it," and they become kind of obsessed
with getting it, their need met.

430
00:16:54,190 --> 00:16:54,560
Uh-huh.

431
00:16:54,740 --> 00:16:57,070
What they're actually… Their
partner actually has a fetish.

432
00:16:57,070 --> 00:16:57,210
Mm-hmm.

433
00:16:57,210 --> 00:17:01,160
And it could be a power exchange fetish,
where they want that dom/sub life

434
00:17:01,470 --> 00:17:06,178
and they need it, whereas a kink is
more- If you guys, you guys might have

435
00:17:06,178 --> 00:17:07,518
kinks because you're dabbling in it.

436
00:17:07,628 --> 00:17:09,198
And most people, it's a kink.

437
00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:09,658
You know?

438
00:17:09,658 --> 00:17:09,998
Yeah.

439
00:17:10,358 --> 00:17:12,608
There's, the percentage of
people with a fetish is small.

440
00:17:13,058 --> 00:17:16,368
So most people it's a kink, and I
think that it's fun and interesting

441
00:17:16,368 --> 00:17:17,828
to know there's a spectrum.

442
00:17:18,178 --> 00:17:22,268
There's the spectrum of, like, the extreme
need to have in order to achieve orgasm.

443
00:17:22,278 --> 00:17:22,608
Uh-huh.

444
00:17:22,618 --> 00:17:25,318
There's the spectrum of, "Oh, let's
just spice it up in the bedroom.

445
00:17:25,318 --> 00:17:28,908
I got these cuffs." Like, 15-year-olds
are buying handcuffs at, like-

446
00:17:29,228 --> 00:17:29,388
Yeah,

447
00:17:29,388 --> 00:17:31,698
yeah … Spencer's and, like-
Yeah … using them in their

448
00:17:31,978 --> 00:17:32,508
sex life.

449
00:17:32,508 --> 00:17:36,268
That's exactly my… That's, that's my
very first, uh, use of handcuffs, were

450
00:17:36,268 --> 00:17:40,138
furry handcuffs from Spencer's, and I
was 14 years old when I bought them.

451
00:17:40,138 --> 00:17:40,318
Okay.

452
00:17:40,328 --> 00:17:41,398
You said first use.

453
00:17:41,478 --> 00:17:44,018
Can you walk me through the
escalation of, like, what was

454
00:17:44,018 --> 00:17:45,278
the second use of handcuffs?

455
00:17:45,418 --> 00:17:48,798
Oh, I think the second use
was me being, uh, put In them?

456
00:17:48,828 --> 00:17:49,268
Yeah.

457
00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:50,578
To be restrained, so.

458
00:17:50,598 --> 00:17:51,398
I've never had that.

459
00:17:51,498 --> 00:17:51,608
Okay.

460
00:17:51,608 --> 00:17:52,028
So you've played- So yeah.

461
00:17:52,118 --> 00:17:52,608
Okay.

462
00:17:52,668 --> 00:17:52,978
Oh, yeah.

463
00:17:52,988 --> 00:17:53,548
Do you have any- Yeah, no.

464
00:17:53,548 --> 00:17:57,788
I'm, I'm more… I, I'm probably
more on that, uh, spectrum,

465
00:17:58,128 --> 00:18:00,378
uh, between the two of us, I

466
00:18:00,378 --> 00:18:00,418
think.

467
00:18:00,418 --> 00:18:00,818
Okay.

468
00:18:00,928 --> 00:18:04,648
S- And, well, I have a theory.

469
00:18:04,678 --> 00:18:04,808
Come on.

470
00:18:05,408 --> 00:18:06,728
That I, I have a theory.

471
00:18:06,958 --> 00:18:12,448
No, because it sounds like when you
described seeing the woman being

472
00:18:12,448 --> 00:18:15,488
bullied and how, or being spanked
and you wanted to grab the paddle.

473
00:18:15,488 --> 00:18:15,798
Yeah.

474
00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:18,668
justice is extremely important to you.

475
00:18:18,918 --> 00:18:19,168
Yeah.

476
00:18:19,168 --> 00:18:19,198
Yes.

477
00:18:19,198 --> 00:18:19,438
Right?

478
00:18:19,728 --> 00:18:20,048
Yes.

479
00:18:20,058 --> 00:18:22,798
And I wonder if there are
fantasies that you have-

480
00:18:22,868 --> 00:18:23,148
There,

481
00:18:23,148 --> 00:18:23,178
there is

482
00:18:23,178 --> 00:18:23,248
that

483
00:18:23,248 --> 00:18:23,518
include

484
00:18:23,738 --> 00:18:24,558
justice.

485
00:18:24,688 --> 00:18:25,048
Yeah.

486
00:18:25,048 --> 00:18:25,348
Okay.

487
00:18:25,348 --> 00:18:28,258
She's talked about actually-
I, um- … um, being-

488
00:18:28,458 --> 00:18:31,608
And, and trying to get into that
because I'm not really, I don't

489
00:18:31,608 --> 00:18:35,058
wanna humiliate, but I'm all for

490
00:18:37,370 --> 00:18:41,990
Spanking, doing, you know, to a man
Being the more powerful- Yeah, being

491
00:18:41,990 --> 00:18:42,230
the more powerful one … one, the more

492
00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:42,960
dominating one.

493
00:18:43,090 --> 00:18:43,570
Yeah.

494
00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:43,600
Um-

495
00:18:43,620 --> 00:18:47,210
For people who deserve it, like
that need to be put in their place,

496
00:18:47,250 --> 00:18:49,060
or just for the sake of you- No

497
00:18:49,060 --> 00:18:50,240
getting to be in charge?

498
00:18:50,670 --> 00:18:51,920
Getting to be in charge.

499
00:18:52,790 --> 00:18:53,310
Uh- Yeah.

500
00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:56,950
But also- All right.

501
00:18:56,950 --> 00:18:57,070
But also the justice thing, Leah.

502
00:18:57,070 --> 00:18:57,090
Yeah.

503
00:18:57,090 --> 00:18:59,590
I, I can- Yeah … I know this
woman very well- Yes … and yeah,

504
00:18:59,590 --> 00:19:01,158
she likes the power dynamic, but-

505
00:19:01,158 --> 00:19:02,110
I mean, the power dynamic,
but also the justice

506
00:19:02,110 --> 00:19:05,540
…
but I think the justice part- Yeah
… really trumps that because- Yeah

507
00:19:05,540 --> 00:19:07,750
she, because guys say stupid things.

508
00:19:08,430 --> 00:19:08,630
I'm,

509
00:19:08,730 --> 00:19:09,620
I've heard that so

510
00:19:09,630 --> 00:19:14,500
much … it's, I have just started to like
men again, so… Like- Yeah … there was

511
00:19:14,500 --> 00:19:16,930
a part of me where I was like, "Ugh, God.

512
00:19:16,980 --> 00:19:18,670
You guys need to just go to an island.

513
00:19:18,670 --> 00:19:19,280
Y'all are done.

514
00:19:19,290 --> 00:19:19,820
We're done."

515
00:19:20,170 --> 00:19:20,730
But like she- We've…

516
00:19:20,730 --> 00:19:21,660
I know … like

517
00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:22,100
she has

518
00:19:22,100 --> 00:19:22,140
an OnlyFans.

519
00:19:22,150 --> 00:19:23,420
Like, earn your way.

520
00:19:23,630 --> 00:19:23,900
Yeah.

521
00:19:23,900 --> 00:19:24,300
Hold on.

522
00:19:24,530 --> 00:19:25,880
Earn your way off the island.

523
00:19:25,930 --> 00:19:27,290
That's what you wanted, right?

524
00:19:27,430 --> 00:19:27,460
Yeah.

525
00:19:27,550 --> 00:19:31,840
Like, and there's a fantasy I'm already
imagining of like you being the tester of

526
00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:35,040
who gets to- Yeah … like you being the
queen- Who gets to stay … in charge of

527
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:36,630
like who, who's coming off the island.

528
00:19:36,630 --> 00:19:38,630
Sorry, I didn't mean to cut you
off, but I was like- Yeah, no, yeah

529
00:19:38,630 --> 00:19:39,840
"Let's go with this fantasy."

530
00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:43,040
That's really the struggles that
she's had with her OnlyFans is that

531
00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:46,680
she's not one to, to placate to men.

532
00:19:46,700 --> 00:19:47,210
Yeah.

533
00:19:47,210 --> 00:19:52,700
She, she's more of a, a, a, she plays
almost an alpha role around a lot of men.

534
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:53,250
Yeah.

535
00:19:53,250 --> 00:19:57,410
Um, and so that was something
that she had discussed before

536
00:19:59,572 --> 00:20:00,232
Exactly.

537
00:20:01,032 --> 00:20:01,642
Okay.

538
00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:02,092
So-

539
00:20:02,112 --> 00:20:02,502
Exactly

540
00:20:02,512 --> 00:20:05,512
…
well, you probably have to
suffer a lot of fools, but your

541
00:20:05,512 --> 00:20:06,972
point is you don't suffer fools.

542
00:20:06,972 --> 00:20:07,145
Yeah.

543
00:20:07,145 --> 00:20:09,552
And that's your OnlyFans,
like, persona too.

544
00:20:09,562 --> 00:20:11,462
You're like, "I don't suffer
fools," so we're gonna-

545
00:20:11,462 --> 00:20:12,562
Yes … we're gonna hear about it.

546
00:20:12,622 --> 00:20:12,952
Okay.

547
00:20:12,952 --> 00:20:13,482
Yes.

548
00:20:14,342 --> 00:20:16,572
I think you were not wrong.

549
00:20:16,592 --> 00:20:18,442
When you think of kink, you think of pain.

550
00:20:18,452 --> 00:20:18,472
Mm-hmm.

551
00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:20,732
Because that's also one
end of the spectrum.

552
00:20:20,742 --> 00:20:21,152
Mm. That's BDSM.

553
00:20:21,152 --> 00:20:22,232
Mm-hmm.

554
00:20:22,382 --> 00:20:23,122
Bondage.

555
00:20:23,432 --> 00:20:23,462
Yes.

556
00:20:23,592 --> 00:20:26,612
Dominance, submission,
discipline, sadomasochism.

557
00:20:26,992 --> 00:20:27,192
Yeah.

558
00:20:27,192 --> 00:20:28,482
There are too many letters.

559
00:20:28,572 --> 00:20:30,412
Like r- there are too
few letters, actually.

560
00:20:30,412 --> 00:20:32,442
It should be like BDSSM.

561
00:20:32,442 --> 00:20:32,592
Yeah.

562
00:20:32,592 --> 00:20:34,392
That's how the acronym should go.

563
00:20:34,742 --> 00:20:37,712
You're not wrong when you think
of those things, but the fantasies

564
00:20:37,712 --> 00:20:39,422
you're imagining, that's also kink.

565
00:20:39,452 --> 00:20:40,512
It's playing with power.

566
00:20:40,512 --> 00:20:41,672
It's playing with justice.

567
00:20:41,682 --> 00:20:46,782
It's role-playing and pulling these things
in, and that's what I love about kink.

568
00:20:46,792 --> 00:20:52,032
It is… The spectrum is so wide, it
includes a lot of different things,

569
00:20:52,362 --> 00:20:54,042
and almost anything can be kinky.

570
00:20:54,462 --> 00:20:59,022
So, like, y- you may be the
less kinky one, but your- Uh-huh

571
00:20:59,022 --> 00:21:01,002
… fantasies may be way wilder.

572
00:21:01,222 --> 00:21:01,492
Yeah.

573
00:21:01,562 --> 00:21:01,852
You know?

574
00:21:02,142 --> 00:21:02,282
Probably.

575
00:21:02,902 --> 00:21:04,022
And more intricate.

576
00:21:04,112 --> 00:21:04,552
I don't know.

577
00:21:04,632 --> 00:21:04,802
Yeah.

578
00:21:04,802 --> 00:21:05,462
What, what do you guys

579
00:21:05,562 --> 00:21:05,942
think?

580
00:21:05,952 --> 00:21:06,802
Yeah, probably.

581
00:21:06,802 --> 00:21:09,222
I mean, I am the quieter of it.

582
00:21:09,222 --> 00:21:11,942
Like he, he's the one that, like,
kinda like pushes me to like, if

583
00:21:11,942 --> 00:21:13,082
we're talking about something.

584
00:21:13,402 --> 00:21:19,262
But once I get started, it's like
I've just gone off the board and just-

585
00:21:19,262 --> 00:21:20,462
She used to lead me.

586
00:21:20,532 --> 00:21:20,822
Yeah.

587
00:21:20,822 --> 00:21:23,672
When we first started in the,
in the swinging lifestyle,

588
00:21:23,682 --> 00:21:24,872
she used to kind of lead me.

589
00:21:24,872 --> 00:21:27,052
She was the one to go, "Oh,
let's try this. Let's go over

590
00:21:27,052 --> 00:21:28,092
here. Let's go do this." Yeah.

591
00:21:28,442 --> 00:21:28,842
Um-

592
00:21:29,052 --> 00:21:29,392
Oh

593
00:21:29,412 --> 00:21:34,032
…
that has changed a lot as we've
gone through and I guess we've

594
00:21:34,032 --> 00:21:35,522
done more research and whatnot.

595
00:21:35,532 --> 00:21:38,202
And, um, she's more reserved now.

596
00:21:38,222 --> 00:21:38,242
Yeah.

597
00:21:38,512 --> 00:21:41,432
Uh, actually her fantasies
are pretty… Yeah … she

598
00:21:41,562 --> 00:21:42,932
really doesn't have very many.

599
00:21:43,192 --> 00:21:46,312
I think the one currently is a gang
bang, uh, is your primary fantasy.

600
00:21:46,312 --> 00:21:46,432
Yeah.

601
00:21:46,432 --> 00:21:50,042
But, uh, I've always tried to kind
of goad it out of her because I've

602
00:21:50,042 --> 00:21:53,542
always been the one who's very vocal
about my fantasies and this and that.

603
00:21:53,992 --> 00:21:57,882
Um, and I'm always like, "What's your
fantasies?" And she's like, "Eh, I just…

604
00:21:58,172 --> 00:22:00,672
I'm chilling." I've… Well, when, when
I go back to it, when it's like, when

605
00:22:00,672 --> 00:22:04,042
it's in this, it's always the, the guy.

606
00:22:04,052 --> 00:22:07,072
Like, I'm like, I always wanna be like
the alpha, and I always wanna be like

607
00:22:07,072 --> 00:22:09,992
the one spanking them or doing something.

608
00:22:10,292 --> 00:22:11,712
Um… Do

609
00:22:11,712 --> 00:22:11,782
you

610
00:22:11,782 --> 00:22:11,982
ever

611
00:22:11,982 --> 00:22:13,412
have pegging fantasies?

612
00:22:13,432 --> 00:22:15,177
I, I don't wanna put you on the spot.

613
00:22:15,357 --> 00:22:15,557
No.

614
00:22:15,587 --> 00:22:15,877
No.

615
00:22:15,887 --> 00:22:15,917
Okay.

616
00:22:15,927 --> 00:22:17,397
Like me pegging somebody?

617
00:22:17,667 --> 00:22:18,177
Yeah.

618
00:22:18,407 --> 00:22:18,647
No.

619
00:22:19,307 --> 00:22:25,399
I- Have I think a- I don't like anal
play in any way That's fair Yeah.

620
00:22:25,439 --> 00:22:27,499
Um, done it-

621
00:22:27,509 --> 00:22:31,549
But she likes the idea of
fucking another woman- Yes

622
00:22:31,559 --> 00:22:32,199
with a strap-on.

623
00:22:32,279 --> 00:22:32,579
Yeah.

624
00:22:32,629 --> 00:22:33,029
Okay.

625
00:22:33,129 --> 00:22:33,409
Okay.

626
00:22:33,409 --> 00:22:33,629
Yeah.

627
00:22:33,629 --> 00:22:33,669
Yeah.

628
00:22:33,669 --> 00:22:34,829
That's, that works, too.

629
00:22:34,839 --> 00:22:35,989
That, that- I was just thinking of, like-

630
00:22:35,989 --> 00:22:38,509
That, I forgot about that, but that's
an extreme- Yeah … turn-on for

631
00:22:38,509 --> 00:22:38,529
you.

632
00:22:38,529 --> 00:22:38,869
Yeah.

633
00:22:39,129 --> 00:22:39,409
That's a

634
00:22:39,419 --> 00:22:39,719
very-

635
00:22:39,779 --> 00:22:40,659
Oh … big turn-on for me.

636
00:22:40,709 --> 00:22:41,679
We did forget about that one.

637
00:22:41,689 --> 00:22:41,709
Yeah.

638
00:22:42,889 --> 00:22:45,549
I, okay, so strapping, yeah, 'cause
I was gonna say, like, have you ever

639
00:22:45,549 --> 00:22:47,589
seen yourself, like, strapped before?

640
00:22:47,599 --> 00:22:47,989
No.

641
00:22:48,029 --> 00:22:50,149
'Cause it- But I had
somebody w- use it on me.

642
00:22:50,149 --> 00:22:52,379
Like, they were strapped, and she
was using it on me, and I was like,

643
00:22:52,379 --> 00:22:53,829
"Oh my God, that's so hot," so yeah.

644
00:22:54,339 --> 00:22:54,519
No,

645
00:22:54,519 --> 00:22:54,877
I have not, yeah.

646
00:22:54,877 --> 00:22:57,159
Sometimes I look at photos
of myself strapped from years

647
00:22:57,159 --> 00:22:59,429
ago- Ooh … and I still think
they're the sexiest photos I own.

648
00:22:59,439 --> 00:22:59,459
Yeah.

649
00:22:59,469 --> 00:23:04,229
Because there is something about
society telling you men are so strong.

650
00:23:04,289 --> 00:23:07,919
Like, men- Yes … men have all the
power, and then you're like- Yes … you

651
00:23:07,919 --> 00:23:11,399
put a strap-on on, and you f- you're
like, "I kinda get it," you know?

652
00:23:11,409 --> 00:23:11,429
Yeah.

653
00:23:11,439 --> 00:23:14,139
Like, I see why they're so happy-
Yeah … with themselves 'cause I

654
00:23:14,139 --> 00:23:15,469
was- Yeah … happy with myself.

655
00:23:15,879 --> 00:23:18,599
And I just think it's a fun
thing to explore, but yeah,

656
00:23:18,599 --> 00:23:21,339
if you ex- just strapping, it
doesn't even have to be with men.

657
00:23:21,339 --> 00:23:22,429
It doesn't have to be- Yeah … anal.

658
00:23:22,499 --> 00:23:23,309
It could be with women.

659
00:23:25,071 --> 00:23:25,561
That's an idea

660
00:23:25,601 --> 00:23:26,331
That is a big one, yeah.

661
00:23:26,341 --> 00:23:26,801
Yes.

662
00:23:27,631 --> 00:23:27,791
Yeah.

663
00:23:27,791 --> 00:23:30,671
So I swear to God, my job is not
just running around encouraging

664
00:23:30,671 --> 00:23:31,821
people to try new kinks.

665
00:23:31,821 --> 00:23:36,161
Being like, "Go on, put the strap-on on.
You'll love it." But sometimes it is sort

666
00:23:36,161 --> 00:23:39,451
of like, well, let's go deeper on your
fantasies, especially when I'm working

667
00:23:39,451 --> 00:23:41,071
with a couple where one person- Mm-hmm

668
00:23:41,071 --> 00:23:42,451
is kinkier than the other.

669
00:23:42,861 --> 00:23:47,251
I wanna make sure both people's
fantasies have center stage

670
00:23:47,581 --> 00:23:49,091
at different points, you know?

671
00:23:49,111 --> 00:23:49,211
Yeah.

672
00:23:49,211 --> 00:23:54,641
Because I feel for the, quote-unquote,
"non-kinky" partner when they come to me,

673
00:23:54,641 --> 00:23:58,651
'cause it's like, "Oh, I'm just here to
accommodate his kinks," or vice versa.

674
00:23:58,721 --> 00:23:59,931
So I was gonna ask you.

675
00:23:59,941 --> 00:23:59,961
Yeah.

676
00:24:00,151 --> 00:24:00,861
Yes.

677
00:24:01,061 --> 00:24:07,401
And I'm just like, normally I… Everyone
who's listening, like, I will put the

678
00:24:07,401 --> 00:24:10,151
kinky person on the back burner for
a second 'cause I'm like, "No, you're

679
00:24:10,151 --> 00:24:11,621
sorted. You know your kinks." Yeah.

680
00:24:11,811 --> 00:24:15,211
We need to talk to the person who's
like, "I don't have fantasies," because-

681
00:24:15,391 --> 00:24:15,631
Yeah

682
00:24:16,641 --> 00:24:18,131
…
you do, you know?

683
00:24:18,141 --> 00:24:18,361
Yeah.

684
00:24:18,431 --> 00:24:19,361
Most people do.

685
00:24:19,401 --> 00:24:22,081
They might just be deeply buried,
and I'm not saying- Mm-hmm

686
00:24:22,111 --> 00:24:26,151
I have a 100% success rate with
finding someone's fantasies, but

687
00:24:26,151 --> 00:24:30,081
I'm gonna say it's, like, 99%
of finding someone's fantasies.

688
00:24:30,091 --> 00:24:30,181
Wow.

689
00:24:30,181 --> 00:24:33,811
So I like working with… And I
prioritize working with the person

690
00:24:33,811 --> 00:24:37,521
who says they don't have fantasies,
so we're at a level playing field-

691
00:24:37,521 --> 00:24:38,241
Mm. Mm-hmm

692
00:24:38,281 --> 00:24:40,481
…
and both people are having
their needs met, because it's

693
00:24:40,481 --> 00:24:42,061
just not a sustainable thing-

694
00:24:42,321 --> 00:24:46,911
for one person to constantly be in
service of the other and their desire.

695
00:24:47,161 --> 00:24:47,581
Yes.

696
00:24:47,581 --> 00:24:47,721
Yeah.

697
00:24:47,721 --> 00:24:51,811
And I guess that's- Yeah … that's
hard because I sometimes wanna be very

698
00:24:51,831 --> 00:24:54,291
alpha to him, and he's like, "Yeah, no."

699
00:24:54,831 --> 00:24:56,831
I mean, it- Like, I have to tell him
days in a- … I'm not used to it, so sh-

700
00:24:56,881 --> 00:24:59,621
I'm like- Yeah … just tell me ahead of
time that that's what you're gonna do.

701
00:24:59,631 --> 00:25:02,211
And it's like, that isn't- Well,
because we've been together almost 16

702
00:25:02,221 --> 00:25:06,241
years, and she has always been very
submissive- Yeah … to me in bed.

703
00:25:06,761 --> 00:25:10,531
Uh, so it's like, whenever you want
it, however you want it, it's all you.

704
00:25:10,541 --> 00:25:12,151
Like, whatever fantasies you have.

705
00:25:12,151 --> 00:25:15,161
Like, that's the only time that
she's really submissive is in bed.

706
00:25:15,161 --> 00:25:15,251
Yeah.

707
00:25:15,251 --> 00:25:15,451
Yeah.

708
00:25:15,451 --> 00:25:17,011
And I'm the only person that she's with.

709
00:25:17,541 --> 00:25:23,181
Um, so as of lately, well, since the
podcast, uh, she's started to kind of

710
00:25:23,431 --> 00:25:28,461
be more open to other ideas and kind of-
Yeah … listening to herself and her, her

711
00:25:28,461 --> 00:25:30,411
thoughts and what she wants to explore.

712
00:25:30,951 --> 00:25:34,121
And she got it in her head that,
hey, you know, I think I'd, I'd

713
00:25:34,191 --> 00:25:37,191
really like to dominate men in- Yeah

714
00:25:37,191 --> 00:25:37,821
in some way.

715
00:25:37,821 --> 00:25:40,631
And I said, "Well, I don't- Yeah … I
don't know what that entails.

716
00:25:40,641 --> 00:25:41,634
That's a completely different thing for

717
00:25:41,634 --> 00:25:44,371
me." But how do you do that when,
when… Like, when the couple…

718
00:25:44,371 --> 00:25:45,701
Like, it's a couple, okay?

719
00:25:45,701 --> 00:25:46,541
So- Yeah … like-

720
00:25:46,561 --> 00:25:46,891
Yeah

721
00:25:46,951 --> 00:25:48,661
…
when I wanna be the one, like, it's hard.

722
00:25:48,661 --> 00:25:48,731
I

723
00:25:48,731 --> 00:25:49,686
mean, I'm down for it.

724
00:25:49,686 --> 00:25:51,244
It's hard for me to tell
him, "Hey, um, it's you."

725
00:25:51,244 --> 00:25:51,281
But

726
00:25:51,281 --> 00:25:53,861
I'm not used to it, so then
I kinda fight against it.

727
00:25:53,901 --> 00:25:54,181
Yeah.

728
00:25:54,181 --> 00:25:56,841
And so we just end up switching
again, and it's like, okay.

729
00:25:57,637 --> 00:26:03,417
I'm a… So first of all, I am a huge fan
of open communication- Yes … but I have

730
00:26:03,417 --> 00:26:06,967
a mini hack that I like to suggest to
people in this situation- Okay … 'cause

731
00:26:06,967 --> 00:26:09,927
it's very common, right, for switches
or people who wanna switch it up.

732
00:26:09,927 --> 00:26:10,417
Yeah.

733
00:26:11,227 --> 00:26:14,517
I one time bought this $20 light
at Home Depot that I could change

734
00:26:14,537 --> 00:26:18,447
colors on, and I do recommend if
you are feeling more dominant,

735
00:26:18,907 --> 00:26:20,537
you put that light in the kitchen.

736
00:26:20,617 --> 00:26:22,707
And people will ask,
'cause I've done this.

737
00:26:22,717 --> 00:26:24,917
Like, people will be like, "What's
this light?" And you're just like,

738
00:26:24,917 --> 00:26:27,407
"I just like pink light, so I
have this light in the kitchen."

739
00:26:27,407 --> 00:26:29,887
Oh my God- But- … that made my
stomach… But you just… Like,

740
00:26:29,887 --> 00:26:32,637
everything I know what you're
about to get to is very exciting.

741
00:26:32,767 --> 00:26:33,137
Go ahead.

742
00:26:33,147 --> 00:26:35,247
You just… Well, I hope
this is what you're thinking.

743
00:26:35,287 --> 00:26:39,487
Like, you change the light on the day you
wanna be more dominant to give them- Yes

744
00:26:39,537 --> 00:26:41,227
… like, start prepping the head space.

745
00:26:41,257 --> 00:26:45,677
And while I firmly fall on the side of
let's have open discussion, we all know

746
00:26:45,697 --> 00:26:48,417
sometimes you just want the illusion-

747
00:26:48,687 --> 00:26:50,677
of it just happening naturally.

748
00:26:50,737 --> 00:26:51,037
Yes.

749
00:26:51,037 --> 00:26:51,827
Do you know what I mean?

750
00:26:51,847 --> 00:26:52,057
Yes.

751
00:26:52,067 --> 00:26:53,527
So you avoid that conversation.

752
00:26:53,537 --> 00:26:53,557
Yeah.

753
00:26:53,557 --> 00:26:55,757
I would recommend please
have the conversation.

754
00:26:55,767 --> 00:26:58,377
Maybe on the first of the month you
have the conversation of- Yeah … "This

755
00:26:58,377 --> 00:27:01,437
is something I want to explore.
When I'm feeling in my dominant

756
00:27:01,457 --> 00:27:03,547
energy, I'm going to signal to you."

757
00:27:03,897 --> 00:27:03,917
Yeah.

758
00:27:03,937 --> 00:27:07,427
"And, like, we might have code
words or something like that.

759
00:27:07,867 --> 00:27:11,057
And, like, let… Just know that
I'd like to explore it." And that

760
00:27:11,077 --> 00:27:14,067
gives your partner an opportunity
to see that blue light and be like,

761
00:27:14,377 --> 00:27:16,537
"Today's not the day, I'm sorry." Or-

762
00:27:16,547 --> 00:27:17,027
Yeah, yeah

763
00:27:17,027 --> 00:27:20,787
…
go keep that blue light on and
just, like, let it go into the

764
00:27:20,787 --> 00:27:22,657
evening when playtime happens.

765
00:27:23,197 --> 00:27:27,865
And I think that we sometimes overthink
it because- Sex just happens, and

766
00:27:27,865 --> 00:27:31,115
sometimes a partner goes all day thinking,
"I'm about to have sex," and there's

767
00:27:31,115 --> 00:27:32,625
no light on or anything like that.

768
00:27:32,625 --> 00:27:35,405
There's just a random
text, and there's no like-

769
00:27:35,405 --> 00:27:36,335
Yeah, yeah

770
00:27:36,355 --> 00:27:39,065
… "
Fuck off, I'm not in the mood."
It's just sort of like I'm just

771
00:27:39,065 --> 00:27:40,455
gonna turn them down in the bedroom.

772
00:27:40,455 --> 00:27:43,515
So I encourage more
communication than less, right?

773
00:27:43,525 --> 00:27:43,885
Mm-hmm.

774
00:27:44,035 --> 00:27:47,115
I think sometimes we overcomplicate
it, and just a little bit of a like,

775
00:27:47,115 --> 00:27:50,185
"Hey, I'm in the mood," without saying,
"Hey, I'm in the mood," can work.

776
00:27:50,185 --> 00:27:50,675
Yeah.

777
00:27:51,275 --> 00:27:52,865
That's frigging genius.

778
00:27:52,865 --> 00:27:52,925
I

779
00:27:52,925 --> 00:27:53,335
know.

780
00:27:53,625 --> 00:27:55,005
And I would've never thought of that.

781
00:27:55,235 --> 00:27:57,935
That's the simplest thing in the world,
and I would've never thought of that.

782
00:27:57,985 --> 00:28:01,150
But that's, I, if I see a certain light,
like if we've already talked about it- Put

783
00:28:01,150 --> 00:28:02,235
the light, put those touchy lights

784
00:28:02,235 --> 00:28:03,555
everywhere … I'll be like Pavlov's dog.

785
00:28:03,565 --> 00:28:03,585
Yeah.

786
00:28:03,765 --> 00:28:05,565
You can ring that bell,
girl, all day long.

787
00:28:05,955 --> 00:28:08,975
And I, you, 'cause I'm, I'm
do- I like an aggressive woman.

788
00:28:09,015 --> 00:28:12,375
I, I, I dig the idea
of her being dominant.

789
00:28:12,725 --> 00:28:14,205
Um, I'm just not used to it.

790
00:28:15,065 --> 00:28:15,085
Yeah.

791
00:28:15,085 --> 00:28:15,342
And that's what I was explaining to her.

792
00:28:15,342 --> 00:28:16,175
I'm like, "You gotta understand.

793
00:28:16,195 --> 00:28:18,935
You got, you've got me
conditioned to be this way.

794
00:28:18,935 --> 00:28:22,245
When we first got together,
I was very independent.

795
00:28:22,675 --> 00:28:25,735
Uh- Yeah … and now I'm, I'm
very codependent." You know?

796
00:28:26,915 --> 00:28:30,645
And so, you know, and, and that's
how she's got me and, and so she's

797
00:28:30,645 --> 00:28:33,825
got me trained a certain way where
it's, oh, well she's always been

798
00:28:33,825 --> 00:28:37,175
submissive in bed, and now all of a
sudden it's, well, I wanna dominate.

799
00:28:37,205 --> 00:28:38,665
And it's like, oh, okay, cool.

800
00:28:38,675 --> 00:28:38,945
Let's-

801
00:28:39,005 --> 00:28:39,285
Mm-hmm

802
00:28:39,365 --> 00:28:40,275
…
let's do that.

803
00:28:40,705 --> 00:28:42,465
Um, what day?

804
00:28:43,365 --> 00:28:43,515
Yeah.

805
00:28:43,745 --> 00:28:45,045
What day are we talking about?

806
00:28:45,335 --> 00:28:45,805
You know?

807
00:28:45,805 --> 00:28:46,092
Is it a

808
00:28:46,092 --> 00:28:46,188
Wednesday?

809
00:28:46,188 --> 00:28:49,265
But then it's like the
energy has to be right too.

810
00:28:49,445 --> 00:28:49,475
Yes.

811
00:28:49,475 --> 00:28:49,675
Yeah.

812
00:28:49,675 --> 00:28:51,905
'Cause do you ever just wake up
and you're not feeling dominant?

813
00:28:51,915 --> 00:28:51,925
Oh.

814
00:28:51,935 --> 00:28:55,155
Or you wake up and you're like, "Oh,
I need to take charge," and your- Yes

815
00:28:55,155 --> 00:28:57,125
even your body language changes.

816
00:28:57,395 --> 00:28:57,595
Yeah.

817
00:28:57,595 --> 00:29:03,025
Those types of things make… That's what
makes kink and switching in kink slightly

818
00:29:03,025 --> 00:29:05,875
more complicated- Mm-hmm … because
you're not playing the same role all the

819
00:29:05,875 --> 00:29:07,825
time, and it's that communication thing.

820
00:29:07,835 --> 00:29:07,855
Yeah.

821
00:29:08,115 --> 00:29:12,505
So a lot of my kinky clients come
to me for this exact scenario, and

822
00:29:12,505 --> 00:29:13,705
I'm happy to share the light bulb
story- It's funny … 'cause I'm like-

823
00:29:13,705 --> 00:29:15,655
I love it … "Try that please." Yeah.

824
00:29:15,655 --> 00:29:15,845
Yeah.

825
00:29:15,845 --> 00:29:20,005
Like, "Come back and tell me what it
is." But also, I'd love to tell you

826
00:29:20,005 --> 00:29:24,635
that I do have this free guide called
Speaking Your Desires With Confidence.

827
00:29:24,645 --> 00:29:30,375
Mm. Because I have so many
non-kinky and kinky- couples- Yeah,

828
00:29:30,375 --> 00:29:31,255
yeah

829
00:29:31,285 --> 00:29:34,625
and they need to navigate
this conversation from zero.

830
00:29:34,625 --> 00:29:36,155
I mean, you two are very open.

831
00:29:36,155 --> 00:29:39,495
You've explored non-
Yeah … monogamy and you live it.

832
00:29:40,015 --> 00:29:44,295
But if you are five years into a
relationship and one of you is like,

833
00:29:44,295 --> 00:29:47,825
"Oh, no, I'm kinky and this is not
going away, and I need to talk about

834
00:29:47,825 --> 00:29:52,565
it," my worksheet is designed for
couples to go through together.

835
00:29:52,575 --> 00:29:52,605
Mm-hmm.

836
00:29:52,925 --> 00:29:54,135
But it helps navigate.

837
00:29:54,145 --> 00:29:57,805
It's like five or six pages
long with like text boxes that

838
00:29:57,805 --> 00:29:59,325
you can fill in on your laptop.

839
00:29:59,335 --> 00:30:01,225
It's… You don't need
to print anything out.

840
00:30:01,705 --> 00:30:05,855
But it allows you to explore your
own desire, learn how to put it into

841
00:30:05,855 --> 00:30:07,995
words for your partner to understand-

842
00:30:08,265 --> 00:30:08,435
Mm-hmm

843
00:30:08,445 --> 00:30:10,455
…
and then talk about it together.

844
00:30:10,565 --> 00:30:13,605
And it's all about, like my
point with the light bulb, I want

845
00:30:13,605 --> 00:30:17,885
people to strive for the fun side-
Yeah … and then communicate, right?

846
00:30:17,885 --> 00:30:19,285
So like think about your fantasies.

847
00:30:19,345 --> 00:30:21,045
Think what makes it exciting to you.

848
00:30:21,395 --> 00:30:23,745
Go beyond what the kink itself is because-

849
00:30:23,805 --> 00:30:24,095
Mm-hmm

850
00:30:24,105 --> 00:30:27,915
…
if the kink specifically is, "I
wanna be handcuffed," to someone who

851
00:30:27,915 --> 00:30:31,025
has zero interest in handcuffs that
might be like, "No, that's weird.

852
00:30:31,025 --> 00:30:34,935
I don't like that." But if you say,
"I wanna be handcuffed because I love

853
00:30:34,935 --> 00:30:37,735
to feel like I'm not in control."

854
00:30:38,145 --> 00:30:38,585
Yeah.

855
00:30:38,585 --> 00:30:42,495
A feeling can elicit empathy,
whereas the kink itself, it's

856
00:30:42,495 --> 00:30:44,085
very easy to disconnect from.

857
00:30:44,095 --> 00:30:44,455
Mm-hmm.

858
00:30:44,455 --> 00:30:48,555
So I want, if you present
your kink to your partner, go

859
00:30:48,555 --> 00:30:50,055
beyond what the kink itself is.

860
00:30:50,055 --> 00:30:51,215
Like, "I like to be spanked."

861
00:30:51,555 --> 00:30:51,995
No.

862
00:30:52,025 --> 00:30:54,635
I feel, I like to feel like you're
watching out for me, and if I do

863
00:30:54,635 --> 00:30:58,125
something wrong you're gonna catch it,
so I don't… I always call it falling

864
00:30:58,125 --> 00:31:00,005
too far, 'cause I have this fear- Oh

865
00:31:00,335 --> 00:31:00,395
…
I'm just-

866
00:31:00,405 --> 00:31:00,675
Yeah.

867
00:31:00,675 --> 00:31:01,925
Now- You know this from the pre-interview.

868
00:31:02,055 --> 00:31:05,925
I have this fear I'm gonna let my
life fall apart … for some reason.

869
00:31:06,325 --> 00:31:10,045
And that spanking or that punishment
allows me to feel like someone's

870
00:31:10,055 --> 00:31:13,535
wa- looking out for me, and it, it
creates a feeling of safety in me.

871
00:31:13,915 --> 00:31:19,625
So talking about the feeling is a lot more
understandable for my non-kinky partner.

872
00:31:19,665 --> 00:31:22,525
My partner is kinky- Uh-huh … but
I've had non-kinky partners,

873
00:31:22,725 --> 00:31:24,495
instead of just saying, "Spank me."

874
00:31:24,515 --> 00:31:28,525
Because spanking could mean like two
swats before they- Yeah … you know, put

875
00:31:28,525 --> 00:31:30,535
their- Yeah … dick in me, to be blunt.

876
00:31:30,865 --> 00:31:31,185
Yeah.

877
00:31:31,295 --> 00:31:31,365
Right.

878
00:31:31,365 --> 00:31:31,725
Yeah.

879
00:31:32,071 --> 00:31:36,121
Hey, so we wanna talk about
something that actually is kind of

880
00:31:36,121 --> 00:31:38,141
important before we move any further

881
00:31:38,401 --> 00:31:42,221
Yeah, ProDX Health, and
here's why we love them

882
00:31:42,831 --> 00:31:44,461
They do at home testing.

883
00:31:44,701 --> 00:31:48,941
Like, you get a kit, you do
it at home, you mail it back

884
00:31:49,771 --> 00:31:53,841
STIs, hormones, real stuff that you
should really actually know about

885
00:31:53,981 --> 00:31:58,021
Yeah, and there's no waiting room, there's
no awkward conversations, none of that

886
00:31:58,471 --> 00:32:02,061
You just get your results, and if you need
next steps, they help you with that too

887
00:32:02,501 --> 00:32:07,161
Look, knowing what's going on with your
body is just part of taking care of

888
00:32:07,161 --> 00:32:09,321
yourself and the people that you're with

889
00:32:09,781 --> 00:32:10,431
Very true.

890
00:32:10,431 --> 00:32:11,141
It really is.

891
00:32:11,291 --> 00:32:16,131
And ProDX Health makes it so easy,
there's really no excuse not to

892
00:32:16,371 --> 00:32:16,901
That's right.

893
00:32:17,101 --> 00:32:19,981
Use code BAOMONO at prodxhealth.com.

894
00:32:19,981 --> 00:32:24,471
That's 15% off year-round,
even more during special events

895
00:32:24,921 --> 00:32:26,001
Link is in the show notes.

896
00:32:26,191 --> 00:32:27,161
Okay, now back to it

897
00:32:27,561 --> 00:32:28,251
Back to it

898
00:32:28,378 --> 00:32:28,958
Wow.

899
00:32:29,348 --> 00:32:29,798
Yeah.

900
00:32:30,666 --> 00:32:31,036
Huh.

901
00:32:31,826 --> 00:32:36,876
You know, well, so it's, it's, it's one of
those things where I've always been open

902
00:32:36,876 --> 00:32:40,506
to different experiences, and especially
now since, since we got the podcast.

903
00:32:40,506 --> 00:32:40,516
Mm-hmm.

904
00:32:40,516 --> 00:32:44,456
I'm a big believer in I can't say I don't
like something if I haven't tried it.

905
00:32:44,466 --> 00:32:44,486
Yeah.

906
00:32:44,826 --> 00:32:48,376
Um, and there's a lot in the
kink community, uh, or in the

907
00:32:48,376 --> 00:32:49,896
kink world that I have not tried.

908
00:32:50,256 --> 00:32:56,206
Um, w- when I'm asked, and I'm asked
this often, uh, what my kink is.

909
00:32:56,216 --> 00:33:00,566
You know, this… A lot of times swingers
will throw kink around, and I don't think

910
00:33:00,566 --> 00:33:05,996
that they really 100% know, uh, what the
real definition is, but they'll- Yeah

911
00:33:06,046 --> 00:33:09,116
often ask, "What, well, what's
your kink?" Um, and mine has

912
00:33:09,116 --> 00:33:10,946
always been pretty much the same.

913
00:33:10,956 --> 00:33:12,176
You know, we're exhibitionists.

914
00:33:12,186 --> 00:33:12,216
Mm-hmm.

915
00:33:12,226 --> 00:33:16,206
We're voyeurs, and, uh,
I have a hot wife kink.

916
00:33:16,466 --> 00:33:18,396
Uh- Yeah … very, very much so.

917
00:33:18,736 --> 00:33:23,436
Um, but sh- that is something, and
this is where we've always differed,

918
00:33:23,446 --> 00:33:25,406
is that I have a hot wife kink.

919
00:33:25,936 --> 00:33:27,256
She doesn't share that-

920
00:33:27,266 --> 00:33:27,736
Yes

921
00:33:27,736 --> 00:33:28,036
with me.

922
00:33:28,106 --> 00:33:28,466
Yeah.

923
00:33:28,466 --> 00:33:30,876
And so, like, it's different,
it's, it's different kinks.

924
00:33:30,876 --> 00:33:37,574
Now, we figured I do have a You
had mentioned that a fantasy…

925
00:33:37,594 --> 00:33:39,824
Not a fantasy, a, um, let's see.

926
00:33:39,824 --> 00:33:41,854
It was a kink and a fetish.

927
00:33:42,214 --> 00:33:42,474
Yes.

928
00:33:42,474 --> 00:33:44,644
The fetish is you wanting that.

929
00:33:44,644 --> 00:33:44,844
Need it.

930
00:33:45,244 --> 00:33:46,954
Needing it, that, needing that.

931
00:33:47,344 --> 00:33:50,234
So yeah, so I think that
would be your fetish.

932
00:33:50,414 --> 00:33:51,134
Oh, you know what?

933
00:33:51,164 --> 00:33:52,174
I think that's a good point.

934
00:33:52,194 --> 00:33:54,574
That's… The hot wife is his fetish.

935
00:33:54,574 --> 00:33:54,634
Like- You-

936
00:33:54,634 --> 00:33:58,874
so I can orgasm from
regular sex with my wife.

937
00:33:58,884 --> 00:33:58,904
Yeah.

938
00:33:59,364 --> 00:34:01,854
Um, just her and I one-on-one.

939
00:34:01,864 --> 00:34:07,044
But oftentimes, uh, if she
wants to get me there quick or,

940
00:34:07,044 --> 00:34:08,214
you know, anything like that.

941
00:34:08,214 --> 00:34:08,454
She's talking

942
00:34:08,454 --> 00:34:09,994
about me and somebody else.

943
00:34:09,994 --> 00:34:11,314
Yeah, I mean, pretty much.

944
00:34:11,314 --> 00:34:15,124
And, and- Yeah … and boy, that'll
get me going, uh, like quick, you know.

945
00:34:15,244 --> 00:34:19,604
Oh, and I, I would like to point out
that that's an amazing way to explore it.

946
00:34:19,914 --> 00:34:22,424
A fetish doesn't always
have to actually happen.

947
00:34:22,434 --> 00:34:25,784
You could be run- your partner…
Admittedly, your partner could never

948
00:34:25,784 --> 00:34:28,356
know you have a fetish because you r-
I've had whole- That's what I was gonna

949
00:34:28,356 --> 00:34:28,714
ask you

950
00:34:28,804 --> 00:34:32,834
six-month relationships where my partner
had no idea about my fetish because I

951
00:34:32,854 --> 00:34:37,154
just- Yeah … like during sex I would
imagine it and never let… Sometimes

952
00:34:37,154 --> 00:34:39,574
I would put my hand over their mouth
if they were trying to dirty talk-

953
00:34:39,574 --> 00:34:42,794
Yeah … something that wasn't working
for me and I'd run the fantasy in my head.

954
00:34:43,144 --> 00:34:46,684
And not enough people realize you can
do that and it's not cheating, you know?

955
00:34:46,684 --> 00:34:46,724
What is that called?

956
00:34:46,724 --> 00:34:46,734
Compartmentalize.

957
00:34:46,734 --> 00:34:46,754
Mentalize Oh,

958
00:34:48,224 --> 00:34:50,754
Compartmentalize … you're
compartmentalizing it.

959
00:34:50,754 --> 00:34:51,324
I can

960
00:34:51,324 --> 00:34:52,294
totally do that.

961
00:34:53,014 --> 00:34:53,334
Yeah.

962
00:34:53,334 --> 00:34:55,334
Like, I can totally do that,
so I totally… Yeah, I

963
00:34:55,334 --> 00:34:56,224
understand what you mean.

964
00:34:56,294 --> 00:34:57,914
It's okay to do that.

965
00:34:57,974 --> 00:34:58,284
Mm-hmm.

966
00:34:58,344 --> 00:35:02,844
F- for example, but I, I really do
encourage people, like if that's not your

967
00:35:02,854 --> 00:35:05,004
kink but you can dirty talk about it.

968
00:35:05,004 --> 00:35:05,274
Yeah.

969
00:35:05,274 --> 00:35:07,934
Like you're- Yes … making
your partner's fucking night.

970
00:35:08,184 --> 00:35:08,374
Yeah.

971
00:35:08,374 --> 00:35:09,824
By like- Yeah … playing that.

972
00:35:09,824 --> 00:35:10,654
That I can do.

973
00:35:11,234 --> 00:35:11,694
Yes.

974
00:35:12,224 --> 00:35:16,624
Especially if… Well, what's
interesting is you're non-monogamous,

975
00:35:16,634 --> 00:35:18,514
voyeurs- Mm-hmm … exhibitionists.

976
00:35:19,814 --> 00:35:24,394
If you don't mind me asking, what is it
about hot wifing that is not for you?

977
00:35:24,844 --> 00:35:25,834
Like is it-

978
00:35:26,044 --> 00:35:26,314
Um,

979
00:35:26,334 --> 00:35:26,434
and

980
00:35:26,434 --> 00:35:26,954
it's not, no,

981
00:35:26,954 --> 00:35:27,074
no

982
00:35:27,074 --> 00:35:27,474
the coercion and-

983
00:35:27,564 --> 00:35:28,604
Oh … uh, enacting.

984
00:35:28,614 --> 00:35:28,624
Oh.

985
00:35:28,714 --> 00:35:32,314
What he means is what I don't, I don't
share the same kink is I don't like

986
00:35:32,314 --> 00:35:36,284
him to go and play with somebody and
then come back and tell me about it.

987
00:35:36,614 --> 00:35:36,784
Yeah.

988
00:35:36,794 --> 00:35:38,884
He w- Got it … he likes
me to tell him about it.

989
00:35:38,884 --> 00:35:40,631
And, and I love to ex- to tell him.

990
00:35:40,631 --> 00:35:41,294
You'll do that.

991
00:35:41,434 --> 00:35:42,684
I love to do that, yeah.

992
00:35:42,944 --> 00:35:46,244
It's the I don't need to know
about yours, like what you did.

993
00:35:46,464 --> 00:35:46,604
Yeah.

994
00:35:46,604 --> 00:35:49,634
Now, now I will switch
this up a little bit.

995
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:56,114
I like him to tell me how his
experience was only if he's inside

996
00:35:56,144 --> 00:35:58,234
me and only if I have asked him.

997
00:35:59,124 --> 00:36:01,834
So like, and then I'll be like,
"Okay, well, who was better?

998
00:36:02,064 --> 00:36:03,564
Tell me, like, tell me
who's better." Okay.

999
00:36:04,034 --> 00:36:05,044
You know, things like that.

1000
00:36:05,044 --> 00:36:08,284
So that's the more dominant part
that I will do with him after he's

1001
00:36:08,294 --> 00:36:11,084
like… That's the only part of,
like, hot play or whatever that's

1002
00:36:11,104 --> 00:36:12,194
called- Okay … that I like.

1003
00:36:12,194 --> 00:36:13,244
Yeah, 'cause, okay.

1004
00:36:13,474 --> 00:36:13,534
Hot play.

1005
00:36:13,534 --> 00:36:15,114
First of all, strong boundaries.

1006
00:36:15,634 --> 00:36:19,614
You know what you are and are not okay
with, and you are sticking to that.

1007
00:36:19,634 --> 00:36:22,704
So, like, I try and celebrate
that whenever I can so people see

1008
00:36:22,704 --> 00:36:24,104
what healthy boundaries look like.

1009
00:36:24,104 --> 00:36:24,224
Yes, yes.

1010
00:36:24,224 --> 00:36:25,164
That was a healthy boundary.

1011
00:36:25,474 --> 00:36:25,994
Well done.

1012
00:36:26,584 --> 00:36:29,414
And yes, I would call that hot husbanding.

1013
00:36:29,484 --> 00:36:31,764
Hot husbanding.

1014
00:36:31,764 --> 00:36:31,887
Yeah.

1015
00:36:31,887 --> 00:36:35,264
Because your actual limit is- Yeah … you
don't wanna hear about him hot husbanding

1016
00:36:35,264 --> 00:36:37,444
and being, going off with someone else.

1017
00:36:37,474 --> 00:36:41,314
You are not going to actually find
a lot of enjoyment in hearing the

1018
00:36:41,314 --> 00:36:43,184
story unless you ask for it yourself-

1019
00:36:43,504 --> 00:36:43,704
Mm-hmm

1020
00:36:43,704 --> 00:36:44,254
…
to hear it.

1021
00:36:44,694 --> 00:36:45,364
Exactly.

1022
00:36:45,934 --> 00:36:47,184
I like that.

1023
00:36:47,374 --> 00:36:52,324
In non-monogamous relationships I've
explored, the jealousy aspect turned me

1024
00:36:52,324 --> 00:36:54,594
on, so I was almost, I guess, a cuckquean.

1025
00:36:54,604 --> 00:36:58,184
Like, if they went off and, like- Yeah
… had sex with someone else- Yeah … I-

1026
00:36:58,194 --> 00:37:01,664
Yeah … I became extremely jealous,
and I found out, for me, that can't be

1027
00:37:01,664 --> 00:37:05,074
part of a healthy relationship for me-
Yes … because my jealousy takes over.

1028
00:37:05,394 --> 00:37:09,164
And that's why I'm monogamous but
completely celebrate non-monogamy,

1029
00:37:09,164 --> 00:37:10,074
'cause I've seen- Yeah.

1030
00:37:10,074 --> 00:37:11,834
Yeah … how it can be fun and exciting.

1031
00:37:12,044 --> 00:37:14,784
It's just not my relationship
type- Yeah … that works for me.

1032
00:37:15,144 --> 00:37:18,234
And once again, that's, like,
my soapboxing of, like- Yeah.

1033
00:37:18,604 --> 00:37:21,574
… no matter what relationship type
you're choosing for yourself, that's

1034
00:37:21,574 --> 00:37:24,764
because it's your choice, and I
am so sick of people tearing down

1035
00:37:24,764 --> 00:37:26,134
each other's relationship choices.

1036
00:37:26,134 --> 00:37:26,384
Right.

1037
00:37:26,894 --> 00:37:29,474
You guys don't do that, but, like,
the amount of times- Yeah … I even

1038
00:37:29,474 --> 00:37:33,604
see on social media, maybe I'm too
chronically online, but monogamous people

1039
00:37:33,604 --> 00:37:37,684
hating on people- Yeah … not even
affecting them- Yeah … living their

1040
00:37:37,824 --> 00:37:40,084
non-monogamous life, and vice versa.

1041
00:37:40,094 --> 00:37:42,694
It's like- Yeah, you, you really-
… we're allowed to have our relationship.

1042
00:37:42,884 --> 00:37:46,124
You see, you see it bump heads constantly.

1043
00:37:46,384 --> 00:37:50,064
You know what's funny- Yeah … is that
when it comes to the, the hot wifing,

1044
00:37:50,364 --> 00:37:53,504
for me it, I, I get the jealousy thing.

1045
00:37:53,974 --> 00:37:59,554
Um, and it… So it spurs a
jealousy, but not a bad jealousy.

1046
00:37:59,904 --> 00:38:06,354
It, uh, it almost- It makes me jealous to
the point to where I sh- tell her, "Hey,

1047
00:38:06,434 --> 00:38:08,264
okay, so now you come back to me- Mm-hmm

1048
00:38:08,274 --> 00:38:13,144
because however good of a, an experience
you had, I'm gonna make sure it's better."

1049
00:38:13,214 --> 00:38:13,614
Yeah.

1050
00:38:13,704 --> 00:38:13,874
Like- I

1051
00:38:13,874 --> 00:38:14,354
love it.

1052
00:38:14,384 --> 00:38:18,624
…
I'm gonna outdo whoever you've
just had a great experience with,

1053
00:38:18,974 --> 00:38:22,264
and we're gonna talk about what
they did right, and then I'm gonna

1054
00:38:22,264 --> 00:38:23,254
show you that I can do it better.

1055
00:38:23,254 --> 00:38:23,584
Yeah.

1056
00:38:23,584 --> 00:38:24,949
So that's the… I
mean, so I do- You know?

1057
00:38:24,949 --> 00:38:26,014
Um- … like it, but I don't.

1058
00:38:26,104 --> 00:38:28,204
So like I, I, my… I'm very jealous.

1059
00:38:28,204 --> 00:38:29,474
I'm a very jealous person.

1060
00:38:29,784 --> 00:38:33,822
Um, and he knows h- I'm a jealous person.

1061
00:38:33,822 --> 00:38:33,949
Yeah.

1062
00:38:33,949 --> 00:38:37,264
And a very, um, territorial person.

1063
00:38:37,274 --> 00:38:37,294
Yeah.

1064
00:38:37,304 --> 00:38:38,884
So that's all… It's very hard.

1065
00:38:38,884 --> 00:38:39,884
It's very hard for me to,

1066
00:38:39,884 --> 00:38:41,154
So why are we non-monogamous?

1067
00:38:41,284 --> 00:38:41,304
Yeah.

1068
00:38:41,364 --> 00:38:42,894
I like to live on the edge.

1069
00:38:43,654 --> 00:38:44,311
I get that too.

1070
00:38:44,311 --> 00:38:44,544
That's what it is.

1071
00:38:45,034 --> 00:38:45,284
Yeah.

1072
00:38:45,304 --> 00:38:46,784
I like… That's why I like- He's…

1073
00:38:46,784 --> 00:38:47,184
Yeah

1074
00:38:47,244 --> 00:38:50,044
…
pain and my, the l- life I've chosen.

1075
00:38:50,424 --> 00:38:54,434
Can I ask, uh, is, would you
consider that reclamation s-

1076
00:38:54,434 --> 00:38:55,974
like you're reclaiming- Yes.

1077
00:38:55,974 --> 00:38:56,484
Yes … your partner?

1078
00:38:56,484 --> 00:38:56,754
Yeah.

1079
00:38:56,794 --> 00:38:57,054
Okay.

1080
00:38:57,054 --> 00:38:57,064
Yeah.

1081
00:38:57,064 --> 00:39:01,044
So you enjoy reclamation sex-
Yeah … and that intimacy adds-

1082
00:39:01,044 --> 00:39:02,634
Yeah … to the experience for you both.

1083
00:39:02,844 --> 00:39:03,224
Yeah.

1084
00:39:03,234 --> 00:39:03,634
Absolutely.

1085
00:39:03,674 --> 00:39:03,764
Explosive.

1086
00:39:03,764 --> 00:39:08,644
And we figured that if we have
really good sex and before he goes

1087
00:39:08,664 --> 00:39:14,042
and meets with somebody Um, that's
me putting in his head, "Hey, this

1088
00:39:14,042 --> 00:39:15,862
is the best you're ever gonna have.

1089
00:39:15,872 --> 00:39:17,732
Like, you're gonna go fuck
whoever you want, but right

1090
00:39:17,732 --> 00:39:18,615
here- Yeah … this is the golden

1091
00:39:18,615 --> 00:39:19,912
cookie." Which we found was-

1092
00:39:20,062 --> 00:39:20,952
A big turn-on for me

1093
00:39:20,962 --> 00:39:22,172
a big turn-on for her.

1094
00:39:22,172 --> 00:39:22,562
Yeah.

1095
00:39:23,142 --> 00:39:25,072
So it was almost like- So they

1096
00:39:25,072 --> 00:39:25,572
do have some.

1097
00:39:25,752 --> 00:39:28,452
…
reclaiming was my thing and
pre-claiming was her thing-

1098
00:39:28,452 --> 00:39:30,312
Yeah … because she got off to that.

1099
00:39:30,392 --> 00:39:30,822
Yeah.

1100
00:39:30,822 --> 00:39:31,182
You

1101
00:39:31,182 --> 00:39:31,542
know?

1102
00:39:31,542 --> 00:39:35,082
I am obsessed with the cyclical
nature of you guys' sex life.

1103
00:39:35,182 --> 00:39:39,842
Like the, the, like like we
have the pre-claiming, the-

1104
00:39:40,672 --> 00:39:42,222
Yeah … um, non-monogamy.

1105
00:39:42,232 --> 00:39:42,252
Yeah.

1106
00:39:42,262 --> 00:39:43,312
The reclaiming.

1107
00:39:43,322 --> 00:39:43,342
Yeah.

1108
00:39:43,352 --> 00:39:47,932
And just the continuous like it- you're
feeding off each other, and that- Yes

1109
00:39:47,942 --> 00:39:49,972
… just keeps the momentum- Yeah … going.

1110
00:39:49,982 --> 00:39:50,002
Yeah.

1111
00:39:50,252 --> 00:39:51,572
That sounds hot as fuck.

1112
00:39:51,832 --> 00:39:55,962
No, I've never had this specific
conversation about people's, um, like the

1113
00:39:55,962 --> 00:39:58,882
pre-claim and the reclaim- Yeah … and
how that works- Yeah … for both of you.

1114
00:39:58,932 --> 00:39:59,112
Yeah.

1115
00:39:59,112 --> 00:39:59,452
Yeah.

1116
00:39:59,512 --> 00:40:00,242
Oh, it's- We

1117
00:40:00,242 --> 00:40:00,922
just, we just realized

1118
00:40:00,942 --> 00:40:04,322
that … it's really… Yeah, that really
just came up because we started exploring

1119
00:40:04,332 --> 00:40:06,292
friends with benefits individually.

1120
00:40:06,712 --> 00:40:11,742
Uh, so that sent me off to an excursion
with somebody without her there.

1121
00:40:11,802 --> 00:40:12,232
Yeah.

1122
00:40:12,282 --> 00:40:16,182
And so this was really the first time that
she had to do that since we were poly.

1123
00:40:16,182 --> 00:40:18,822
We were poly like for
five years a while back.

1124
00:40:19,452 --> 00:40:23,802
Um, and so this was really the first
time that I had- Mm … gone off without

1125
00:40:23,812 --> 00:40:26,452
her, and this is how she handled it.

1126
00:40:26,452 --> 00:40:28,652
She was like, "Okay, this
is what we're doing."

1127
00:40:28,772 --> 00:40:29,922
That was like a little stuck- Yeah

1128
00:40:29,982 --> 00:40:30,292
…
kink life script.

1129
00:40:30,292 --> 00:40:32,902
And, and she was, and she was dominating.

1130
00:40:33,372 --> 00:40:33,932
Worth saying.

1131
00:40:33,982 --> 00:40:34,122
Yeah.

1132
00:40:34,122 --> 00:40:35,412
She was, she was dominating-
Yeah … in doing that.

1133
00:40:35,412 --> 00:40:35,932
I really was.

1134
00:40:36,202 --> 00:40:36,452
Yeah.

1135
00:40:36,452 --> 00:40:38,232
And it, it was, it was very hot.

1136
00:40:38,762 --> 00:40:39,182
It was very hot.

1137
00:40:39,202 --> 00:40:39,605
I liked it.

1138
00:40:39,605 --> 00:40:39,972
It was.

1139
00:40:40,222 --> 00:40:40,492
Yeah.

1140
00:40:41,032 --> 00:40:42,612
This… It is really hot.

1141
00:40:42,612 --> 00:40:43,412
I understand it.

1142
00:40:43,412 --> 00:40:47,052
Like, and that's another thing
I love about kink and fantasy.

1143
00:40:47,082 --> 00:40:49,472
Like, I don't have to live this
life, but I can fantasize it.

1144
00:40:49,482 --> 00:40:49,502
Yeah.

1145
00:40:49,532 --> 00:40:50,612
I can fantasize.

1146
00:40:50,812 --> 00:40:54,662
Like, and I do have fantasies of my
partner sleeping with someone else

1147
00:40:54,662 --> 00:40:56,242
and me being extremely jealous.

1148
00:40:56,252 --> 00:40:56,272
Yeah.

1149
00:40:56,312 --> 00:40:59,082
Because I like to play
with the jealousy aspect.

1150
00:40:59,132 --> 00:41:02,422
It's the reality of jealousy
that doesn't work for me.

1151
00:41:02,882 --> 00:41:03,062
Yeah.

1152
00:41:03,062 --> 00:41:05,592
It doesn't add to my-
Mm-hmm … experience at all.

1153
00:41:06,052 --> 00:41:06,442
Yeah.

1154
00:41:06,492 --> 00:41:07,612
See, I… And I'm not…

1155
00:41:07,682 --> 00:41:12,522
Outside of what I feel that
brings me to that sexual dynamic,

1156
00:41:13,022 --> 00:41:14,322
I'm not a jealous person.

1157
00:41:14,362 --> 00:41:14,892
Mm-hmm.

1158
00:41:14,992 --> 00:41:18,072
Uh, so I don't really experience
that kind of jealousy.

1159
00:41:18,072 --> 00:41:21,892
She can go, uh, talk to whoever
she wants, and I don't feel

1160
00:41:21,892 --> 00:41:23,832
any kind of, uh, issue with it.

1161
00:41:23,832 --> 00:41:24,202
Yeah.

1162
00:41:24,232 --> 00:41:28,542
When it comes to sexually, I'm like,
oh man, I have like true compersion.

1163
00:41:28,542 --> 00:41:31,832
I'm like, man, she… I hope she
has a great experience, but also it

1164
00:41:31,832 --> 00:41:35,282
spurns this little bit in me that
I'm like, "I'm gonna fuck the hell

1165
00:41:35,282 --> 00:41:37,022
out of her after this is all done."

1166
00:41:37,102 --> 00:41:37,462
Yeah.

1167
00:41:38,142 --> 00:41:41,972
And she's gonna remember my
experience more so than that person.

1168
00:41:42,022 --> 00:41:42,672
You know what I mean?

1169
00:41:42,722 --> 00:41:43,902
I love that.

1170
00:41:43,902 --> 00:41:44,402
It's-

1171
00:41:44,402 --> 00:41:46,942
Yeah, 'cause o- otherwise I'm
not, I'm not really jealous.

1172
00:41:47,082 --> 00:41:47,472
Yeah.

1173
00:41:48,030 --> 00:41:48,770
I feel that.

1174
00:41:48,840 --> 00:41:51,620
You're, you're hyper-aware of where
you are jealous and you're like, "This

1175
00:41:51,620 --> 00:41:54,490
is the one point I'm jealous in,"
and then nothing outside of that.

1176
00:41:54,500 --> 00:41:54,520
Yeah.

1177
00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:58,280
But to your point, people,
swingers will ask, "Are you

1178
00:41:58,280 --> 00:41:59,900
kinky?" Or, "What are your kinks?"

1179
00:42:00,110 --> 00:42:00,470
Mm-hmm.

1180
00:42:00,480 --> 00:42:03,810
And it's interesting because
these are… They're not

1181
00:42:03,810 --> 00:42:05,870
swinger kinks necessarily, but-

1182
00:42:05,870 --> 00:42:06,130
Mm-hmm

1183
00:42:06,160 --> 00:42:08,160
they are more on the sexual side of kink.

1184
00:42:09,060 --> 00:42:11,640
This would be the more sexual end
of the spectrum of kink versus-

1185
00:42:11,650 --> 00:42:14,370
Mm … the asexual side that I
was describing, like me writing

1186
00:42:14,370 --> 00:42:16,420
lines, getting turned on by myself.

1187
00:42:16,430 --> 00:42:16,450
Yeah.

1188
00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:20,120
But I love that you guys,
you know your kinks.

1189
00:42:20,200 --> 00:42:22,570
You just listed them all off very clearly.

1190
00:42:22,580 --> 00:42:22,600
Yeah.

1191
00:42:22,750 --> 00:42:23,390
And- Wow

1192
00:42:23,900 --> 00:42:25,020
you know what they are.

1193
00:42:25,360 --> 00:42:31,090
But I was surprised, I was on a kinky
cruise earlier this year, um, and later

1194
00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:36,360
this year I'm doing, um, Swinkation, which
is a swingy, kinky vacation in Jamaica.

1195
00:42:36,370 --> 00:42:36,400
And-

1196
00:42:36,510 --> 00:42:38,650
Is that with The
Accidental Swingers, right?

1197
00:42:38,650 --> 00:42:38,900
Oh.

1198
00:42:38,900 --> 00:42:39,080
Yeah.

1199
00:42:39,080 --> 00:42:39,260
Yes.

1200
00:42:39,260 --> 00:42:40,820
Yeah, yeah, we had them on the show.

1201
00:42:40,850 --> 00:42:41,360
Okay.

1202
00:42:41,360 --> 00:42:41,630
They're, they're great.

1203
00:42:41,630 --> 00:42:42,190
Yeah.

1204
00:42:42,540 --> 00:42:46,620
So, um, I'm gonna be there teaching
sensual spanking classes, I think, is

1205
00:42:46,620 --> 00:42:50,340
what I'm calling it, and, uh, fantasy
mapping, the way I just talked to you

1206
00:42:50,340 --> 00:42:52,810
about how you are mapping your fantasy.

1207
00:42:52,820 --> 00:42:52,840
Yeah.

1208
00:42:53,110 --> 00:42:56,540
Or, you know, it's like, oh, I'm,
I'm sensing interest in, uh, justice.

1209
00:42:56,880 --> 00:42:57,300
Yeah.

1210
00:42:57,320 --> 00:43:00,010
Working with people to do that
for themselves, 'cause that's

1211
00:43:00,010 --> 00:43:01,390
like my favorite workshop to do.

1212
00:43:01,390 --> 00:43:04,670
I bring people on stage, and like,
we map their fantasy together.

1213
00:43:05,040 --> 00:43:10,992
But- Um, I was surprised at how
much the overlap is growing.

1214
00:43:11,002 --> 00:43:13,932
There was a time when I first got in
the community, kinksters were on the

1215
00:43:13,932 --> 00:43:17,962
left, swingers were on the right,
and these two people never met.

1216
00:43:17,992 --> 00:43:21,682
And now I am meeting… I was
shocked at some of the swingers

1217
00:43:21,682 --> 00:43:24,982
I met and how deeply kinky they

1218
00:43:24,982 --> 00:43:25,322
were.

1219
00:43:25,372 --> 00:43:26,129
I was like- Oh,

1220
00:43:26,129 --> 00:43:28,172
yeah … "What, what is
this new world that I'm-"

1221
00:43:28,182 --> 00:43:30,872
Yeah … "discovering?" Well-
Yeah … uh, you know, I'm not gonna

1222
00:43:30,872 --> 00:43:35,612
lie, I didn't even really know what…
I didn't even know BDSM and kink

1223
00:43:35,622 --> 00:43:40,752
stuff intertwined in the lifestyle
for a long time, especially BDSM.

1224
00:43:40,802 --> 00:43:43,102
Like, I did not even-

1225
00:43:43,322 --> 00:43:43,792
Yeah, we went-

1226
00:43:43,792 --> 00:43:44,122
…
know about that

1227
00:43:44,122 --> 00:43:48,682
…
we went to a hotel takeover, and they
had different rooms, themed rooms,

1228
00:43:49,022 --> 00:43:51,172
and there was, uh, electroshock-

1229
00:43:51,322 --> 00:43:51,822
Electroshock

1230
00:43:51,822 --> 00:43:52,192
play.

1231
00:43:52,502 --> 00:43:52,662
Yes.

1232
00:43:52,712 --> 00:43:56,412
And then there was, um, there was a St.
Andrew's cross- Yeah … in another one.

1233
00:43:56,412 --> 00:43:56,452
Mm-hmm.

1234
00:43:56,452 --> 00:43:57,332
You got flogged-

1235
00:43:57,382 --> 00:43:57,902
Mm. I got flogged

1236
00:43:57,902 --> 00:43:58,642
…
on that one.

1237
00:43:59,102 --> 00:44:02,832
Um, you know, and that's really w-
it's events like that that we've

1238
00:44:02,832 --> 00:44:07,672
attended that kind of got us to step
in the door a little bit and go,

1239
00:44:07,682 --> 00:44:09,172
"Ooh, okay. What's happening here?"

1240
00:44:09,222 --> 00:44:09,602
Yeah.

1241
00:44:09,652 --> 00:44:15,552
Um, and then we, the club that we go
to has a whole BDSM area, uh, that

1242
00:44:15,552 --> 00:44:18,712
is popping off the hook on Saturday
nights, and they- Yeah … have

1243
00:44:18,712 --> 00:44:20,272
a kink night on Thursday nights.

1244
00:44:20,272 --> 00:44:20,662
Yeah.

1245
00:44:20,912 --> 00:44:23,562
Um, so, you know, stuff like
that, it, it's more prevalent.

1246
00:44:23,562 --> 00:44:24,982
And of course, now we have the podcast.

1247
00:44:25,012 --> 00:44:25,992
We talk to everybody.

1248
00:44:26,002 --> 00:44:26,022
Yeah.

1249
00:44:26,342 --> 00:44:32,412
Um, and, and you realize that
kink is very, very involved- Yeah

1250
00:44:32,412 --> 00:44:33,692
in, in the lifestyle.

1251
00:44:34,302 --> 00:44:35,932
And I think it's becoming more involved.

1252
00:44:35,932 --> 00:44:41,832
Like, I know that I am not a full-fledged
member of the swinger community, right?

1253
00:44:41,882 --> 00:44:46,802
But I have a lot of swinger clients
because kink is taking off so

1254
00:44:46,802 --> 00:44:48,332
much in the swinger community.

1255
00:44:48,442 --> 00:44:53,172
They wanna learn how to explore
kink safely in ways that help them

1256
00:44:53,182 --> 00:44:55,532
understand what to do and not to do.

1257
00:44:55,542 --> 00:44:55,832
Mm-hmm.

1258
00:44:55,842 --> 00:45:00,382
So I've learned a ton about the swinger
community from swinger clients coming to

1259
00:45:00,382 --> 00:45:01,952
me and being like, "I wanna learn to dom.

1260
00:45:01,952 --> 00:45:02,992
I wanna learn to flog.

1261
00:45:02,992 --> 00:45:07,862
I wanna learn to do-" Yeah … "these
things," uh, just to be more integrated in

1262
00:45:07,862 --> 00:45:13,944
that aspect, in that side of the lifestyle
that wasn't as overlapping 10 years ago.

1263
00:45:14,044 --> 00:45:14,384
Like-

1264
00:45:14,464 --> 00:45:14,774
Mm.

1265
00:45:14,964 --> 00:45:16,044
Even if you talk to-

1266
00:45:16,114 --> 00:45:16,344
That's

1267
00:45:16,344 --> 00:45:20,864
true … swing, the swincation people,
the accidental, uh, swingers, they, I

1268
00:45:20,874 --> 00:45:25,274
think, also realized that 10 years ago
it wasn't one and the same, and they

1269
00:45:25,274 --> 00:45:29,774
are doing active work to bring the
communities together in more places-

1270
00:45:30,194 --> 00:45:31,434
Yeah … than just the local clubs.

1271
00:45:31,434 --> 00:45:31,674
Yeah.

1272
00:45:31,684 --> 00:45:32,124
Which I love.

1273
00:45:32,184 --> 00:45:32,574
Yeah.

1274
00:45:32,574 --> 00:45:35,804
You know, it's fascinating that,
one, that the kink community is

1275
00:45:35,804 --> 00:45:37,914
associated with non-monogamy.

1276
00:45:37,914 --> 00:45:41,734
'Cause I tried to explain that to
somebody once where it's like, yeah,

1277
00:45:41,734 --> 00:45:47,124
all three communities are, are under
the umbrella of non-monogamy, but

1278
00:45:47,574 --> 00:45:50,014
not all kinksters are non-monogamous.

1279
00:45:50,024 --> 00:45:50,384
Yeah.

1280
00:45:50,394 --> 00:45:50,424
Yep.

1281
00:45:50,654 --> 00:45:52,929
And not, not all swingers are kinksters.

1282
00:45:52,929 --> 00:45:53,624
Mm-hmm.

1283
00:45:53,694 --> 00:45:53,834
Yeah.

1284
00:45:53,834 --> 00:45:58,044
And I've noticed where, I've noticed
the… That's where I, when we go

1285
00:45:58,044 --> 00:46:01,814
to the club is where I see more of
the spanking and the s- and, like,

1286
00:46:01,814 --> 00:46:02,674
we'll be having sex- Or Shibari

1287
00:46:02,674 --> 00:46:05,044
I'm like, "Oh my God, she's
getting her ass like-" Oh, yeah

1288
00:46:05,404 --> 00:46:07,450
… spanked." And I'm like, "Ugh." I

1289
00:46:07,450 --> 00:46:08,650
find it fascinating, yeah

1290
00:46:09,850 --> 00:46:13,880
And I've had people come up to me at,
like, the swinger vacation who think I'm

1291
00:46:13,880 --> 00:46:17,000
in a lot of pain and that my boyfriend
is spanking me wrong, and I'm like, "No,

1292
00:46:17,000 --> 00:46:18,540
this is what I'm gonna think of tonight."

1293
00:46:18,560 --> 00:46:24,090
And to that point, when I used to be a
dominatrix, I figured out that when I

1294
00:46:24,100 --> 00:46:26,870
thought I was going just a little too
far, and I always played with safe words.

1295
00:46:26,870 --> 00:46:28,890
If they used their safe
words, I didn't go beyond it.

1296
00:46:28,900 --> 00:46:28,920
Yeah.

1297
00:46:29,230 --> 00:46:32,400
But I would think like, "Oh, I took
them too far." They might even think,

1298
00:46:32,440 --> 00:46:33,970
"Oh, I'm on the verge of a safe word."

1299
00:46:33,980 --> 00:46:37,080
And the following week they'd come
back and they'd be like, "I kept

1300
00:46:37,080 --> 00:46:39,700
thinking about that thing you did."
And it was the thing we were both

1301
00:46:39,730 --> 00:46:40,960
like, "Oh, this is too far." Yeah,

1302
00:46:40,960 --> 00:46:41,370
yeah.

1303
00:46:41,520 --> 00:46:44,840
But their excitement lived in
what was too far, you know?

1304
00:46:44,840 --> 00:46:45,370
And then they-

1305
00:46:45,700 --> 00:46:45,940
Yeah

1306
00:46:46,100 --> 00:46:51,180
…
we may not even go back there, but knowing
that I could go back there excited them.

1307
00:46:51,420 --> 00:46:52,540
The fear of it.

1308
00:46:52,580 --> 00:46:55,810
So I think, like, when we're watching
these things, we don't understand

1309
00:46:56,130 --> 00:46:58,730
what turns people on and what's going
through their head, because I've even

1310
00:46:58,730 --> 00:47:02,670
been at parties, spanking parties, I
go to tons of them, and I see someone

1311
00:47:02,670 --> 00:47:05,760
in a scene and sometimes I'm like,
"Should I intervene?" And I have to

1312
00:47:05,760 --> 00:47:07,780
remind myself this is their scene.

1313
00:47:07,880 --> 00:47:09,030
They both have safe words.

1314
00:47:09,300 --> 00:47:09,330
Mm-hmm.

1315
00:47:09,440 --> 00:47:10,850
These are grown-ass humans.

1316
00:47:10,860 --> 00:47:12,570
They're in their, like, 50s or 60s.

1317
00:47:12,570 --> 00:47:12,580
Yeah.

1318
00:47:12,580 --> 00:47:16,890
I think that they can handle
themselves, and it's not my place.

1319
00:47:16,890 --> 00:47:19,600
But, like, it's… You're,
you wanna save people.

1320
00:47:19,600 --> 00:47:20,850
You wanna make sure they're okay.

1321
00:47:20,860 --> 00:47:20,880
Yeah.

1322
00:47:20,960 --> 00:47:24,490
That's the empathy in us- Yeah … being
like, "Is this actually okay?"

1323
00:47:24,810 --> 00:47:25,680
And for them it is.

1324
00:47:26,140 --> 00:47:26,540
Yeah.

1325
00:47:27,270 --> 00:47:27,820
I love that.

1326
00:47:27,850 --> 00:47:28,350
That's great.

1327
00:47:28,360 --> 00:47:33,420
You know, I… So I, I have a few
questions here that are, are very BDSM

1328
00:47:33,430 --> 00:47:37,710
specific, uh, that I was hoping to ask,
uh, on behalf of our listeners that

1329
00:47:37,710 --> 00:47:40,890
are- Sure … are maybe like us and,
and, and are wanting to know a bit more.

1330
00:47:41,330 --> 00:47:47,090
Um, can you break down the
dom/sub dynamic for someone who's-

1331
00:47:47,090 --> 00:47:47,900
Yeah, 'cause I

1332
00:47:47,900 --> 00:47:47,950
don't think-

1333
00:47:47,950 --> 00:47:49,510
only ever seen them in movies or books?

1334
00:47:49,510 --> 00:47:49,820
Yeah.

1335
00:47:50,540 --> 00:47:50,890
'Cause that's-

1336
00:47:51,070 --> 00:47:51,300
Oh.

1337
00:47:51,310 --> 00:47:51,340
And-

1338
00:47:51,400 --> 00:47:52,940
We don't really know too much about that.

1339
00:47:53,510 --> 00:47:53,910
Yeah.

1340
00:47:53,910 --> 00:47:58,870
So it's a relationship dynamic where
people choose to play specific roles.

1341
00:47:58,990 --> 00:48:02,730
The dom/sub dynamic, where dom
stands for dominant, sub stands for

1342
00:48:02,730 --> 00:48:08,090
submissive, is a traditionally… It,
it's like a power exchange role play.

1343
00:48:08,180 --> 00:48:14,110
And the reason I call it a role play is
I always say you can be in a 24/7 dom/sub

1344
00:48:14,110 --> 00:48:19,420
relationship where you defer to your
dominant to make decisions or come up

1345
00:48:19,420 --> 00:48:23,480
with routine and enforce certain rules,
and you're the submissive and you follow.

1346
00:48:23,480 --> 00:48:26,910
But if you two show up to the hospital
together and you have to take your dom to

1347
00:48:26,910 --> 00:48:28,450
the hospital, that's no longer your dom.

1348
00:48:28,720 --> 00:48:29,580
You're partners.

1349
00:48:29,820 --> 00:48:29,850
Yes.

1350
00:48:29,860 --> 00:48:30,040
So

1351
00:48:30,390 --> 00:48:30,630
it's,

1352
00:48:30,700 --> 00:48:34,420
it's an elaborate role play
that we choose to be in 24/7.

1353
00:48:34,700 --> 00:48:38,450
I myself am in one, but there are
days where I wake up and I'm like,

1354
00:48:38,670 --> 00:48:41,600
"I'm not in the mood. Don't even
tell me what to do right now." Right?

1355
00:48:41,610 --> 00:48:41,640
Mm-hmm.

1356
00:48:41,650 --> 00:48:41,670
Yeah.

1357
00:48:41,670 --> 00:48:46,500
And it's a conversation because you're not
just flipping the script im- immediately.

1358
00:48:46,990 --> 00:48:52,460
But my point is dom/sub
dynamics- are huge role plays.

1359
00:48:52,590 --> 00:48:56,610
And yes, you can live by it 24/7,
never take a day off, but at the end of

1360
00:48:56,610 --> 00:49:00,550
the day, you have to remember you are
still a human with rights, and divorce

1361
00:49:00,550 --> 00:49:02,160
can happen if you guys are married.

1362
00:49:02,770 --> 00:49:05,110
Real life happens and these
relationships can end.

1363
00:49:05,200 --> 00:49:06,890
So it's still a role play.

1364
00:49:07,320 --> 00:49:10,900
And, but within that, you
design it with your partner.

1365
00:49:10,900 --> 00:49:14,830
You decide how it's supposed to look,
what's going to be included and what's

1366
00:49:14,840 --> 00:49:16,810
not, and there's no one way to do it.

1367
00:49:17,300 --> 00:49:21,040
But ultimately, it's about exchanging
power with your partner and playing

1368
00:49:21,040 --> 00:49:24,798
different roles than you would day to day.

1369
00:49:24,798 --> 00:49:24,888
Yeah.

1370
00:49:24,888 --> 00:49:25,148
Yeah.

1371
00:49:25,148 --> 00:49:29,038
So that's my best, easiest way to
describe it because it's so deep.

1372
00:49:29,038 --> 00:49:31,478
Like everything we've spoken
about today, it's a spectrum.

1373
00:49:31,548 --> 00:49:31,848
Yeah.

1374
00:49:31,858 --> 00:49:38,398
Like, I've known people in a 24/7
high-protocol relationship where when

1375
00:49:38,778 --> 00:49:43,668
the submissive in the relationship…
Well, when the dominant came home,

1376
00:49:43,668 --> 00:49:46,838
the submissive knelt down immediately,
and that was every single day, and

1377
00:49:46,838 --> 00:49:48,638
that's a high-protocol thing, I think.

1378
00:49:48,638 --> 00:49:49,338
It's not- Yeah.

1379
00:49:49,338 --> 00:49:49,768
Yeah

1380
00:49:49,928 --> 00:49:52,808
…
it's not like I don't do
that in my relationship.

1381
00:49:52,878 --> 00:49:53,228
Yeah.

1382
00:49:53,228 --> 00:49:55,558
And you have to ask everyone, "Well,
what does that mean to you? What

1383
00:49:55,558 --> 00:49:57,128
does that look like for you?" Yeah.

1384
00:49:57,128 --> 00:50:01,318
But high level, what I said is, I think
is applicable across the board, is just

1385
00:50:01,318 --> 00:50:04,008
how deep people go within that role play.

1386
00:50:04,288 --> 00:50:04,748
Mm-hmm.

1387
00:50:04,758 --> 00:50:05,328
Totally.

1388
00:50:05,498 --> 00:50:10,958
Well, so when it comes to the
finished scene, what's aftercare?

1389
00:50:10,978 --> 00:50:12,038
Like, w- what does it-

1390
00:50:12,078 --> 00:50:12,778
Yeah

1391
00:50:12,798 --> 00:50:14,578
…
why does it matter so much, really?

1392
00:50:15,758 --> 00:50:17,468
Okay, so I love that question.

1393
00:50:17,528 --> 00:50:21,298
When you go… I even think sometimes
during sex, being penetrated can

1394
00:50:21,298 --> 00:50:23,538
be quite an invasive experience.

1395
00:50:23,778 --> 00:50:23,798
Yeah.

1396
00:50:23,938 --> 00:50:25,988
And you are letting someone…

1397
00:50:26,498 --> 00:50:29,918
You've been vulnerable with
someone in a way that even being

1398
00:50:29,918 --> 00:50:33,768
dominant can be quite vulnerable
because you're testing the waters.

1399
00:50:33,768 --> 00:50:35,968
They could laugh in your face
if you give them a command

1400
00:50:35,968 --> 00:50:36,908
or tell them to do something.

1401
00:50:36,918 --> 00:50:36,938
Mm-hmm.

1402
00:50:36,938 --> 00:50:40,848
It's vulnerable to try and take control
because you don't know how it's gonna go.

1403
00:50:41,208 --> 00:50:46,388
And after that type of interaction,
that exchange of energy, that presence

1404
00:50:46,388 --> 00:50:51,658
and vulnerability, you want to sort
of close the vulnerability gap.

1405
00:50:51,698 --> 00:50:55,848
You know, like, you open your body up
to someone, you wanna close it gently

1406
00:50:55,948 --> 00:50:58,768
and make- Mm-hmm … sure everything
goes back the way it was supposed to

1407
00:50:58,768 --> 00:51:01,128
go as gently and safely as possible.

1408
00:51:01,628 --> 00:51:05,558
In t- in cases where there's impact
play or even just energy exchange,

1409
00:51:05,908 --> 00:51:07,828
we can have a rush of endorphins.

1410
00:51:07,838 --> 00:51:07,868
Mm-hmm.

1411
00:51:08,068 --> 00:51:11,268
Um, we can almost experience
a high that we call subspace.

1412
00:51:11,378 --> 00:51:15,648
There's a dom version of that called
flow, where the dom is just in that

1413
00:51:15,948 --> 00:51:20,408
I'm in charge, and they're running
off the energy of being in charge.

1414
00:51:21,188 --> 00:51:27,218
Coming down from that elevated mental,
emotional heightened state can feel-

1415
00:51:27,218 --> 00:51:29,798
Mm … like a major crash 'cause really
you're coming- Mm-hmm … down to

1416
00:51:29,808 --> 00:51:33,398
baseline, but you've been so high, you
feel like you just fell down to Earth,

1417
00:51:33,958 --> 00:51:36,468
and it hurts almost, at least emotionally.

1418
00:51:36,468 --> 00:51:38,978
So aftercare is that
moment where you reconnect.

1419
00:51:39,258 --> 00:51:41,098
You're like, we are meeting as one.

1420
00:51:41,448 --> 00:51:43,018
We are both out of our roles.

1421
00:51:43,018 --> 00:51:46,888
You can do aftercare still in
your role, but it's how can I be

1422
00:51:46,888 --> 00:51:48,868
here for you to soften the fall?

1423
00:51:49,288 --> 00:51:50,238
What do you need?

1424
00:51:50,248 --> 00:51:50,268
Mm-hmm.

1425
00:51:50,628 --> 00:51:52,128
And both partners should do that.

1426
00:51:52,168 --> 00:51:55,608
Obviously, the sub or the person playing
the bottom role, the person having

1427
00:51:55,618 --> 00:51:58,888
things done to them, should get that
care first because they are in- Mm-hmm

1428
00:51:58,888 --> 00:52:00,208
the more vulnerable state.

1429
00:52:00,218 --> 00:52:00,248
Yes.

1430
00:52:00,648 --> 00:52:02,708
But the dom then should also get it.

1431
00:52:03,078 --> 00:52:06,728
And aftercare is different from
feedback, so you bring each other down

1432
00:52:06,728 --> 00:52:09,682
to your like level foundational state.

1433
00:52:09,682 --> 00:52:12,342
Sometimes that even h- doesn't
happen until the next day.

1434
00:52:12,742 --> 00:52:15,662
But then the step after
that is, how did that feel?

1435
00:52:15,972 --> 00:52:16,832
What felt good?

1436
00:52:16,862 --> 00:52:18,452
What could we do again next time?

1437
00:52:18,452 --> 00:52:19,602
How could it be improved?

1438
00:52:19,602 --> 00:52:20,752
What should we never do again?

1439
00:52:20,762 --> 00:52:20,792
Uh-huh.

1440
00:52:21,072 --> 00:52:23,992
You know, you check in with each
other and you learn from it.

1441
00:52:23,992 --> 00:52:26,802
So aftercare and feedback are separate,
but they're both very important

1442
00:52:26,802 --> 00:52:28,982
parts of what happens after play.

1443
00:52:29,322 --> 00:52:31,912
And what people want as
aftercare can look different.

1444
00:52:31,912 --> 00:52:33,162
Some people want soda.

1445
00:52:33,172 --> 00:52:34,142
Mm. They want chocolate.

1446
00:52:34,572 --> 00:52:36,862
Um, I need attention.

1447
00:52:36,952 --> 00:52:42,172
I wanna feel like I wasn't used, so I
actually say negotiate the aftercare

1448
00:52:42,172 --> 00:52:44,822
you need beforehand so that you make-
Mm-hmm … sure you get what you need.

1449
00:52:45,162 --> 00:52:48,212
And my aftercare is, I need
you to text me the next day.

1450
00:52:48,802 --> 00:52:52,212
And if I've actually said I can't play
with you if someone says, "Well, I

1451
00:52:52,212 --> 00:52:55,452
have a heavy business," like, "I have
a heavy meeting day tomorrow, I can't

1452
00:52:55,452 --> 00:52:58,322
really text," I'm like, "Then I can't
play with you 'cause I will feel shit

1453
00:52:58,692 --> 00:53:00,502
about myself, and I will feel used."

1454
00:53:00,502 --> 00:53:00,712
Gotcha.

1455
00:53:01,252 --> 00:53:04,162
So know what you want, and don't
be afraid to ask for it, and if

1456
00:53:04,162 --> 00:53:08,342
you're feeling uncomfortable asking
for it, check in with yourself.

1457
00:53:08,382 --> 00:53:08,402
Yeah.

1458
00:53:08,532 --> 00:53:11,622
Do you feel uncomfortable 'cause you
generally don't feel well, feel good

1459
00:53:11,622 --> 00:53:12,842
about holding your own boundaries?

1460
00:53:13,072 --> 00:53:19,282
Or does this person make you feel not
valid enough to need your, what you need?

1461
00:53:19,292 --> 00:53:19,322
Mm-hmm.

1462
00:53:19,592 --> 00:53:21,452
In which case you probably
shouldn't be playing with them.

1463
00:53:21,452 --> 00:53:25,242
So it's a great exercise to
advocate for your aftercare needs

1464
00:53:25,282 --> 00:53:28,382
before you start playing to make
sure you two are on the same page.

1465
00:53:29,774 --> 00:53:30,414
I like that.

1466
00:53:30,514 --> 00:53:34,924
I never thought… I mean, I
never thought about aftercare even

1467
00:53:34,924 --> 00:53:36,404
after any type of penetration.

1468
00:53:36,404 --> 00:53:37,944
Like, that's really…

1469
00:53:37,964 --> 00:53:40,074
Or any type of play that's- I

1470
00:53:40,104 --> 00:53:41,604
mean, would cuddling be considered?

1471
00:53:41,634 --> 00:53:43,014
I mean, that'd be kind of

1472
00:53:43,074 --> 00:53:44,784
like aftercare Or it'd
be whatever they want.

1473
00:53:44,854 --> 00:53:46,064
It could, yeah.

1474
00:53:46,064 --> 00:53:46,079
Yeah.

1475
00:53:46,079 --> 00:53:47,014
Yeah, it could if they want it.

1476
00:53:47,014 --> 00:53:47,354
Yeah.

1477
00:53:47,354 --> 00:53:51,454
But like, you, like there's, there are
people who don't wanna cuddle after sex.

1478
00:53:51,464 --> 00:53:51,484
Yeah.

1479
00:53:51,484 --> 00:53:54,794
And I respect that boundary, and that's
why I say talk about it beforehand.

1480
00:53:54,804 --> 00:53:57,894
If you're gonna… Oh my gosh,
I can't even imagine being in a

1481
00:53:57,894 --> 00:53:58,954
one-night stand and- I don't think

1482
00:53:58,954 --> 00:54:02,174
anybody's- Yeah … ever asked that,
like, you know, like, "What, what

1483
00:54:02,174 --> 00:54:05,064
do you want," you know, "what's
your aftercare look like?" It's

1484
00:54:05,064 --> 00:54:06,684
a really good freaking question.

1485
00:54:07,064 --> 00:54:09,114
And that's funny because you
always told me that I'm not

1486
00:54:09,114 --> 00:54:10,324
allowed to cuddle with anybody.

1487
00:54:10,784 --> 00:54:11,074
Mm, yeah.

1488
00:54:11,784 --> 00:54:12,434
Ooh, sorry.

1489
00:54:12,484 --> 00:54:12,934
Okay.

1490
00:54:13,004 --> 00:54:14,464
Another strong boundary, right?

1491
00:54:14,464 --> 00:54:14,617
Yes.

1492
00:54:14,617 --> 00:54:18,874
It's like, "I can't have you do this."
I hope that someone asks you in advance

1493
00:54:18,874 --> 00:54:23,004
about the aftercare they need, because
you're not allowed cuddle, right?

1494
00:54:23,274 --> 00:54:23,454
Right.

1495
00:54:23,484 --> 00:54:26,924
And I think that- I don't think anybody…
That's a normal question to ask.

1496
00:54:26,984 --> 00:54:29,024
Like, it should be, but
it's not Yeah, it should be.

1497
00:54:29,164 --> 00:54:29,574
Yeah.

1498
00:54:30,414 --> 00:54:34,694
So I want more people asking, like,
ask what af- and you could lead that by

1499
00:54:34,694 --> 00:54:37,344
saying, "What aftercare do you need?"
And if they say, "Well, I wanna be

1500
00:54:37,344 --> 00:54:41,764
held," you could say, "Well, actually,
that's a boundary in my relationship.

1501
00:54:41,794 --> 00:54:44,954
I don't cuddle people because-"
Yeah "… that goes against

1502
00:54:45,054 --> 00:54:46,404
what passes in my relationship."

1503
00:54:46,514 --> 00:54:46,574
Pris-

1504
00:54:46,574 --> 00:54:47,404
Priscilla's crazy.

1505
00:54:47,924 --> 00:54:49,804
Because my wife says I can't.

1506
00:54:49,994 --> 00:54:52,194
But I- Well, I didn't
wanna put it that way.

1507
00:54:52,274 --> 00:54:52,584
But yeah.

1508
00:54:52,584 --> 00:54:52,674
And that's valid.

1509
00:54:52,674 --> 00:54:53,944
I mean, that's what I'm hearing.

1510
00:54:54,004 --> 00:54:54,484
That's valid.

1511
00:54:54,484 --> 00:54:55,044
It's- Let's be

1512
00:54:55,044 --> 00:54:55,604
honest here.

1513
00:54:55,604 --> 00:54:55,614
Yeah.

1514
00:54:55,614 --> 00:54:57,384
Yeah, no, it is … it's not invalid.

1515
00:54:57,394 --> 00:54:58,304
That's a boundary.

1516
00:54:58,304 --> 00:54:58,314
Yeah.

1517
00:54:58,314 --> 00:55:01,704
And you need that to feel safe in
your relationship, and I think the

1518
00:55:01,744 --> 00:55:04,704
open communication piece is super
important so that- It really is

1519
00:55:04,814 --> 00:55:06,614
no one's feeling hurt after.

1520
00:55:06,614 --> 00:55:06,934
Yeah.

1521
00:55:07,044 --> 00:55:07,254
Yeah.

1522
00:55:07,284 --> 00:55:10,744
Like, you advocated for your need
of no cuddling or I'll feel hurt.

1523
00:55:11,174 --> 00:55:11,574
Yeah.

1524
00:55:11,674 --> 00:55:14,864
And other people need to advocate for
their need of, "Hey, I need cuddle."

1525
00:55:14,894 --> 00:55:18,794
Like, for example, if you weren't
allowed text me the next day because

1526
00:55:18,814 --> 00:55:20,644
Priscilla won't like, Pris won't let you.

1527
00:55:20,654 --> 00:55:20,674
Yeah.

1528
00:55:20,864 --> 00:55:24,944
I'd be like, "I really respect
that, but I can't play with you then

1529
00:55:24,944 --> 00:55:26,494
'cause I'm just gonna feel used."

1530
00:55:26,824 --> 00:55:26,844
Yeah.

1531
00:55:26,854 --> 00:55:29,894
Even though I- See … understand
you're not using me, you know?

1532
00:55:30,184 --> 00:55:30,644
Yeah.

1533
00:55:30,794 --> 00:55:32,804
The butterfly effect and
the whole thing changes.

1534
00:55:32,804 --> 00:55:33,404
That is

1535
00:55:33,414 --> 00:55:34,554
so… That's-

1536
00:55:34,574 --> 00:55:34,804
Yeah

1537
00:55:35,084 --> 00:55:36,344
…
very well put, ma'am.

1538
00:55:36,764 --> 00:55:37,304
I like that.

1539
00:55:37,304 --> 00:55:37,674
Thank you.

1540
00:55:37,674 --> 00:55:38,054
Yeah.

1541
00:55:38,104 --> 00:55:39,204
I enjoyed that.

1542
00:55:39,354 --> 00:55:44,104
So this has been such a good,
refreshingly honest conversation, Amanda,

1543
00:55:44,104 --> 00:55:45,554
so thank you, thank you, thank you.

1544
00:55:45,914 --> 00:55:48,964
Um, but before we let you go, you're gonna
tell all our listeners where they can find

1545
00:55:48,964 --> 00:55:52,948
you, where all your work is, where… Or

1546
00:55:52,998 --> 00:55:54,478
or where they can check out your own show.

1547
00:55:54,478 --> 00:55:55,108
There you go.

1548
00:55:55,168 --> 00:55:55,368
That

1549
00:55:55,368 --> 00:55:55,728
part.

1550
00:55:55,728 --> 00:55:56,088
Yeah.

1551
00:55:56,088 --> 00:55:57,238
Oh, yeah.

1552
00:55:57,408 --> 00:55:58,568
Here's where you can find me.

1553
00:55:58,658 --> 00:56:03,178
You can go to my website, amandadames.com,
and my free guide is in there.

1554
00:56:03,178 --> 00:56:06,398
If you scroll to the bottom, you can throw
in your email and download the free guide.

1555
00:56:06,798 --> 00:56:10,118
Uh, you can find The Kink Consultant
Podcast anywhere you get your podcasts.

1556
00:56:10,458 --> 00:56:14,288
You can follow me on Instagram
at the_kinkconsultant.

1557
00:56:14,328 --> 00:56:17,918
And then finally, if you wanna
meet me in Jamaica, I've got a

1558
00:56:17,918 --> 00:56:19,728
special discount code for everyone.

1559
00:56:19,728 --> 00:56:27,108
So you can go to swingcation.com and use
TKC50, that's TKC for The Kink Consultant,

1560
00:56:27,448 --> 00:56:32,888
50, and get, I think it's up to $400 off
depending on what package you go with.

1561
00:56:32,898 --> 00:56:32,918
Wow.

1562
00:56:33,038 --> 00:56:38,518
So check that out- Wow … 'cause I
would love to see all of my, swinger

1563
00:56:38,638 --> 00:56:43,888
kinksters, my swinky people there, and
I'd love to, get you on the spanking

1564
00:56:43,908 --> 00:56:46,968
train and teach you how to do some
erotic spanking and dip your toes in

1565
00:56:46,968 --> 00:56:48,438
the water of- We didn't- … kink … we

1566
00:56:48,438 --> 00:56:50,108
didn't get to that yet, but yes.

1567
00:56:50,138 --> 00:56:50,328
Oh.

1568
00:56:50,388 --> 00:56:50,988
Yes.

1569
00:56:51,838 --> 00:56:52,438
That's gonna be so cool.

1570
00:56:52,448 --> 00:56:53,488
That, that's frigging awesome.

1571
00:56:53,718 --> 00:56:57,068
All of that information's actually
gonna be in our show notes as well.

1572
00:56:57,078 --> 00:56:57,108
Yes.

1573
00:56:57,108 --> 00:57:00,288
So we're gonna have all of that, uh,
on our show notes and in our blog.

1574
00:57:00,418 --> 00:57:00,658
Yeah.

1575
00:57:00,728 --> 00:57:01,248
That's right.

1576
00:57:01,398 --> 00:57:01,548
Yeah.

1577
00:57:01,758 --> 00:57:04,108
Uh, so Amanda, you're frigging awesome.

1578
00:57:04,108 --> 00:57:05,688
Thank you for coming, all right, everyone.

1579
00:57:05,688 --> 00:57:07,738
Well, that's a wrap on today's episode.

1580
00:57:07,748 --> 00:57:11,708
If you enjoyed this one, do us a huge
favor, like it, subscribe, follow

1581
00:57:11,708 --> 00:57:15,108
the show, share it with a friend
who needs to hear it, and if you've

1582
00:57:15,118 --> 00:57:18,478
got 30 seconds, leave us a, a, a
really good review, 'cause, you know-

1583
00:57:18,778 --> 00:57:21,568
you like us, obviously-
Yes … you're listening to the show.

1584
00:57:21,568 --> 00:57:22,748
Just hit the five stars.

1585
00:57:23,118 --> 00:57:27,968
And make sure you head to our
website, www.beyond-monogamy.com.

1586
00:57:27,968 --> 00:57:30,588
That's where you're gonna find
everything, the listener confessional

1587
00:57:30,588 --> 00:57:35,208
we mentioned, our full episode
library, upcoming events, all of that.

1588
00:57:35,238 --> 00:57:37,758
It's on your one-stop shop
that this man has created.

1589
00:57:37,848 --> 00:57:38,518
That's right.

1590
00:57:38,858 --> 00:57:42,818
And speaking of upcoming events, we'll
be at, well, as of lately, this is the

1591
00:57:42,818 --> 00:57:44,718
one that we're gonna be at for sure.

1592
00:57:44,768 --> 00:57:45,098
Yes.

1593
00:57:45,328 --> 00:57:48,748
We'll be at Crazy Winter Nights
in Kansas City February 19th

1594
00:57:48,778 --> 00:57:50,968
through the 21st of 2027.

1595
00:57:51,358 --> 00:57:55,468
Uh, head to crazykazbah.com
to grab your tickets.

1596
00:57:55,468 --> 00:57:58,188
You can find that on the show
notes, and use our code BEOMONO

1597
00:57:58,188 --> 00:57:59,338
at checkout for a discount.

1598
00:58:00,078 --> 00:58:00,468
Yes.

1599
00:58:00,478 --> 00:58:02,828
You can also catch us
live on streaming radio.

1600
00:58:03,228 --> 00:58:07,558
We're on Full Swap Radio every Thursday
at 2:00 PM and 7:00 PM Central, so

1601
00:58:07,558 --> 00:58:09,858
head to fullswapradio.com to tune in.

1602
00:58:10,238 --> 00:58:10,798
That's right.

1603
00:58:11,038 --> 00:58:12,268
And here's something brand new.

1604
00:58:12,268 --> 00:58:17,208
In just a few weeks we're launching
our own live show, Thursday evenings,

1605
00:58:17,208 --> 00:58:19,178
7:00 to 8:00 PM Central Time.

1606
00:58:19,178 --> 00:58:21,408
That's right, on our own platform.

1607
00:58:21,658 --> 00:58:24,638
You'll be able to find it
through beyond-monogamy.com.

1608
00:58:24,898 --> 00:58:30,158
You'll be able to pull it up, sit down,
join us in a nice live conversation

1609
00:58:30,258 --> 00:58:33,628
with me and Pris, plus all the other
listeners hanging out in the room.

1610
00:58:33,888 --> 00:58:33,898
Oh.

1611
00:58:34,018 --> 00:58:39,448
No pressure, no big production, just
a fun chat with real-time interaction.

1612
00:58:39,448 --> 00:58:39,698
Yeah.

1613
00:58:39,698 --> 00:58:41,788
So follow our socials so
you don't miss the launch.

1614
00:58:42,078 --> 00:58:44,438
We'll be announcing start dates very soon.

1615
00:58:44,528 --> 00:58:44,968
Yes.

1616
00:58:44,978 --> 00:58:48,618
And with that, we thank you all
for joining us for another episode,

1617
00:58:49,018 --> 00:58:50,468
and we will see you guys next week.

1618
00:58:50,478 --> 00:58:51,428
Bye.