QUICKIE: Swingers Stuck in a Vanilla Setting

0:07 All right, y'all. Before we dive in, a quick heads-up This show is raw, real, and definitely not rated PG. We're talking about adult themes, sexual content, and the kinda stuff you probably don't want blasting through your speakers at work or around your kids. So grab some headphones, pour your drink of choice, and get comfy. Oh, and just so we're clear, we are not licensed therapists, counselors, or sex couches. Sex coaches. Sex coaches. Not sex couches. We're just a couple of people sharing our lives, experiences, and sexy adventures in ethical non-monogamy. So with that, pull up a chair and enjoy the show.

0:51 Hello, and welcome to another episode of Beyond Monogamy. I'm Adam. And I'm Pris. And today we're talking about something very specific that maybe some of you, and I'm, I'm gonna likely guess most of you, have experienced. Have you ever been involved in the lifestyle nonstop, so much so that you end up in a vanilla setting with vanilla people and not known what to do? Yes I, you know, it, we don't have this come up very often. I wanna say in the past couple of years, we've been in vanilla settings around a bunch of vanilla people a small handful of times.

1:32 A small handful. But- Yeah … it came up this weekend in the fact that we spent a lot of time around a lot of vanilla people in a lot of vanilla settings. Yes. And it, it was, it was different, to say the least. I remember that sort of thing differently. Yeah. We don't, I don't think we were very aware of our surroundings and how we acted- Yeah, y- … before really being- 'Cause … part of the lifestyle. Yeah I guess we didn't, we've always been very affectionate to each other, and we're always all over each other. But we've had to, like, tame it down.

2:14 And we never have to do that. Yeah. So that was really different for us- Yeah … to, to have to tame ourselves down, to kinda censor ourselves. Like, I don't know how to behave in a vanilla setting with non-vanilla people around me. You know, conversationally, I'm so used to speaking freely. And- Yes … that free speak has really worked out in the lifestyle setting and when you have a podcast. But when you're, say, I don't know, talking to people at work who don't know- … that you're in the lifestyle, you know, I find myself often in conversation with people at work.

2:54 And you wanna bring up something? And there are things that will tie into the podcast, or there's things that will tie into certain guests, or things that will tie into the, the community itself, that I would normally bring up and say. Yeah. That I've had to catch myself and go, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." Yeah. "Don't say that." Yeah. I'm pretty open about, like, at, especially, like, at work and stuff. But not everybody knows. Y- you are right. Like, it's hard to… Yeah But you are more of a talker anyway. Mm, yeah. I'm more of a blurter. So, like, I don't care who knows. You're very quiet about it. Well- But I can't even imagine if all this shit is going through your head, and you're like, "These are all vanilla people."

3:38 You know, it's- What am I supposed to say? It, it makes me nervous on a couple of, of points. Because, you know, for one thing, judgment. I mean, we've, we've established that there's major judgment in the lifestyle. Yes. But there's 20 times more outside of the lifestyle. Yes. So The moment you start talking about your sex life, you're gonna get one of two responses from somebody who's vanilla. Mm-hmm. They're either gonna perk up their ears and go, "Ooh, really? Tell me more." That person might be interested in the lifestyle. Yes. Or the other reaction is gonna be, "Ugh, gross. You guys do that?"

4:20 And that person more than likely has skeletons in their closet and, and doesn't like to talk about it. And those are the people that you get judgment from. Usually. Those are the people you get judgment from. I mean, let's be real. Yeah. I mean, I had vanilla friends that would love to listen to all the stories that I had, and then would be like, "That's so cool. I could never do that." I could never do that. I could never do that. I don't know how many times I've heard people say, "I could never do that." I could never do that. And then one day they- They doin' it … they do it, but they do it unethically and they end up divorced. Yes. Because they cheated. They did it. Yeah. But yeah, no, I, um… We don't have a lot of vanilla friends, so having very little vanilla friends.

5:03 We, you know, we talk about our lifestyle all the time because the only friends we really have are lifestyle-er friends. But when we go into a vanilla setting with lifestyle-er friends, and then there's other vanilla people around us, like in the group, we don't talk about the lifestyle. No. It stays in the back pocket. Yeah. We'll discuss it afterwards. Nobody knows that all four of us are gonna go back to the hotel and have some fun. Mm-hmm. It's a very, like, weird setting. And we know how to behave. Well, kind of, in a way, a little bit.

5:43 I mean, I'll give you an example. We were at a bar Saturday night, and we were sit- I was sitting at a cocktail table. We had friends around. My wife was standing next to me, and I had my arm around her, around her waist. She's wearing a dress. She doesn't wear panties, and she's smoking hot. So you add all those things together, and I'm on autopilot. My first response is I've got my arm around her. I'm kind of rubbing her, her hip, and then my hand goes a little bit lower, and then I'm cupping her ass. And then my hand goes a little lower, and I'm kind of rubbing her, the, the back thigh area- right below her buttock.

6:26 And then I'm just relaxing. And then before you know it, my hand's going up her dress, and it's doing a lot more. And I'm doing this without realizing. Yeah. And you brought it to my attention that I was doing it, and you were like, "Uh, hello, inappropriate." "We're in a vanilla setting." And I was like, "Ooh, sorry, sorry, sorry," and I stopped, but I kept my arm around your waist. Yeah. And then I move. And then, like, five minutes later, I'm doing it again. And you're like, "Hey, stop it. We're in a vanilla setting." And I was like, "Shit, I am so sorry." I had to remove my hand from you completely. Yeah. Put my hands in my lap or put them on the table and just say, "You can touch me." Yes.

7:09 "But I'm gonna stay here." Yeah. Like, I'm not gonna touch anybody else. I mean, that is hard because even the people that we're with, like, we usually are very touchy feely. Mm-hmm. And we had to all just behave. We had to behave. Yeah. Now I… You know, do you find as a woman in the lifestyle, when you go to a vanilla setting, do you find yourself- Being flirty at all? Sometimes. And, and catching yourself going- Yeah … I shouldn't be flirting. But I like doing that. Really? Yeah. In a vanilla setting? Yeah, that doesn't matter to me. So I haven't had confidence previous to 2025. If you guys have listened to the podcast, 2025 was the year of confident Adam.

7:51 What? And I faked it till I made it. Say that again. 2025. 2025 was the year of confident Adam. Started January 1st, 2025, and it went downhill from there. And I have, I, I'm pretty confident in my abilities to converse with other people- Mm-hmm to flirt with ladies. I'm not confident that it'll work, but I'm confident that I can do it and feel less awkward about it, that sort of thing. What I realized is, yes, I am confident in the lifestyle setting, not so much in the vanilla setting. And I did catch myself several times tr- trying not to flirt with women- Mm because it's second nature when we're out at vanilla settings.

8:37 Yeah. It's like I see someone attractive, this is the lifestyle we're in, and it's okay. Yeah. I can go up to somebody and I can have conversation with them and I can go, "Damn, girl, you look good." Mm-hmm. If I did that on Saturday, I would've walked out with a black eye or two or three. So that's really the conflict, and that's where I, I start overthinking everything, and I'm like, "Should I even be looking in this girl's direction?" Yeah, yeah. Is her dude gonna talk shit? Because he's putting back, you know, drink after drink after drink, and we all know that al- alcohol is a depressant, and it's easy to get angry when you've been drinking.

9:19 It's easy to start drama when you're drinking. Yeah. And, you know, I couldn't even look at the women that were around be- for too long because if I did, I was afraid that somebody was gonna call me out. Yeah. You know what I mean? And what am I supposed to do when some guy's about to beat the shit out of me for staring at his woman? Yeah. I go, "Hey, sorry, man. I didn't mean to. We're swingers." Oh, that's not gonna help anything, you know? I mean, it is. It's hard to, to to keep your, your, your beautiful dirty mind of yours- Oh, my God … inside of your head. I, I, I… You know, we all know that all I do is think about sex 100% of the time. Yes. That is even worse when I'm in a vanilla setting.

10:02 I can't even imagine. It's, it's tough. It's tough. Because there's so many attractive women, and I'm sitting there and, and here's the funny thing that I kept thinking about. When we were at the bar specifically- Mm-hmm … I'm sitting there next to you. You're smoking hot. Mm-hmm. And we're next to each other, and a girl walks by and I'm just like, "Damn." I see that and I'm like, "Damn." And another girl is walking towards me, and I'm looking at her, and I'm… I find her attractive, and then she looks at me, and we lock eyes for a brief second. And as soon as that happens, I look away And all I'm thinking is, "She's probably judging me because she caught me checking her out," and she's like, "What the fuck are you looking at me for?

10:50 You got, you got a woman right there, you fucking cheating motherfucker." You know? Yeah. And so immediately I'm like- Yeah … "You know what? I can't look at anybody." Yeah. "I can't look at anybody." Yeah. I st- I, I found a TV to look at, and I just kept my eyes there. And then, of course, I couldn't touch you, so I had my hands in my lap. I looked like I was a, a kid in time out because I was just sitting there with my hands in my lap at a cocktail table just looking up at the TV, watching whatever fight was showing. Yeah. And I'm between you and a woman of whom I've played with and am very sexually attracted to, and I wanna touch her. You can't. I wanna touch her, but that's her place of business. Yeah. And I can't.

11:31 Yeah. And even if she said I could, I don't know if I would be comfortable with it. Yeah. Uh, so, you know, I don't know. One of the first things that we… One of the first couples that we ever saw in the wild. You remember? We were at a bar downtown in our hometown. Mm-hmm. And we were there actually with a girl who we were kind of attempting to- Yeah … see if we wanted to date, 'cause we had just become poly. Yeah. And there was a c- there was two couples in front of us. Yeah. So there was these two couples, and I'd seen the first couple get there together, you know? Then I'd see these… Then I saw these other two people get there who were a couple, and then I saw everybody say hi, and then the first wife went with the second husband, and the other wife went with the other husband, and they were just all kissing and touching, and I was like, "." And she nudged me.

12:24 "They're swing-" Yeah. We… I was like, "They're swingers." "Hey, look, these people in front of us are swingers." And he's like, "How do you know?" I was like, "No." And I'm like, "They are," and I asked them. Yeah. You just straight up went up to them and asked them. I was like, "Are y'all swingers?" And they're like, "Yeah." They gave us their card. To this day, they are still really good friends. Yeah, they are. Great friends. They're s- They're… They, they gave us a swingers card. Yeah. But yeah, they… We are still friends with them, but that was the first time that we had ever been out- Yes … in a public vanilla setting- Yes … and seen this- That … switcheroo, because you had one couple here on the left. Yeah. One couple on the right, and then before you know it, the women had switched. I was like, "Hell yeah." And they were still all over, and I was… And when you pointed that out, I was like, "No," I didn't believe it, and then when they switched, I was like, "Oh, okay." I was like, "That's his wife.

13:14 That's her husband." Interesting. Interesting turn of events. Now, they didn't give a fuck. No. It… I think… So if we were with people who didn't care- Who were open Yeah. Maybe it'd be different It'd be different. Like when we go to s- when we go to San Antonio, we're all like, whatever. Like, we don't all care. That's true. That's true. You know? It's, I think it's the setting. And it's als- yeah, it's also the level of discretion. It was the setting. Yeah. Yeah. Um. But I mean, we've gone to vanilla places with other people. I mean, we've had social events at vanilla places. Well, you know, the hard part is this. I, I've never been a fan of clubs.

13:56 Yeah. Ever. Like, even when I was in my 20s. Mm-hmm. I didn't like clubs. I liked bars, but I was a drinker. And it was a laid back kind of environment, you know? You could have conversation with people, things like that. But clubs tend to be really, really loud- Mm-hmm … with music. Mm-hmm. And you can't really have good conversation in there. Which is fine, because in clubs you can go to the dance floor. You don't need to really have conversation. You're, yeah. You have your drinks. Yeah. You dance, and you scream and shout and have a good time. The place we went to on Saturday, is that a bar or is that a club? I think it's both. Okay. 'Cause I didn't know it was on the other side. Okay. I, I think it was both. Okay. But nonetheless, what I realize is, is that I, I just don't, I don't care for the club setting.

14:41 I never really have. And I know that when we first started going to the club in the lifestyle, before we even went to the club in the lifestyle, I remember sitting there going, "Why would I wanna go to the club?" Yeah. I don't like… I didn't like clubs when I was younger. I didn't like vanilla clubs. Why the hell would I wanna go to a lifestyle club except for to see people naked? What's the point, you know? Mm-hmm. Well, I love the lifestyle club, and there's a reason why. A, the music's not too loud. You can still have conversation. Yeah. And, and C, when you get bored- Just go have sex … you go to the back and you fuck, you know? Yeah. I mean, that's what it comes down to. I, it, agree. And we have, we have sex a lot when we're at the club- Yeah … throughout the night. That was a big, that was a big tribulation for me, being at a vanilla club, not being able to look where I wanted to look, not being able to flirt with who I wanted to flirt with.

15:33 But also, when I got bored, I couldn't go have sex. Yeah. So I was just stuck there, just sitting there, you know? Yeah. We were like… I mean, I was even telling our friends, I was like, "Where? Do we go to the back?" Like- Yeah. I couldn't even- I, I mean, I couldn't even properly people watch. Yeah. And that's, that's the hard part, too, you know? It's like a- at, at not just the bar, just at any of the settings- Mm-hmm … that we were in. Yeah. At any of the vanilla settings that we were in. Yeah. I could not properly people watch- Yeah … without feeling like I was going to get confronted. Yeah. You know? And you're not really a gawker, but just any type of view, like e- just glancing sometimes will, you know.

16:15 Yeah. Yeah. Well, like I've always said, you know, that, that alcohol can, can really spurn some angry feelings. Especially if they've, if the couple has had past indiscretions. Yeah. Uh, it's easy for somebody to go, "Hey, why are you looking at my chick?" Mm-hmm. You know? Or, or, "Hey, you know, why are you doing this?" Yeah. "Why are you doing that?" For sure. You know? Especially where we come from, people tend to be… A, a little pop off-ish sometimes Just a little? Just a little bit Just a little bit But yeah, I mean, it, it is hard to, to be in a vanilla setting when you're … when the rest of your life is usually lifestyle, and then you get to a place where you're like, you just have to be, you have to be on your best behavior and not attempt to cause, not cause a scene, but get too overly Sexual When did it become such a bad thing to be sexual?

17:12 I don't think it's a bad thing. I think some people feel like- No, I mean, I know you don't think it's a bad thing … I think some people feel like it's inappropriate, like take it to your room or do it behind closed doors. That could be more of maybe there's kids around. Ugh. But actually even if there isn't- Even at a bar, though, like- Yeah you know, th- this is the part that drove me nuts. And, and you know what? I'm going on a rant here, so come with me. Here's my problem, okay? You have these people who will judge you sexually i- i- if you want more than one person or if you wanna have a threesome or this or that. Mm-hmm. These experiences, they look at you and they go, "Ugh, I could never do that.

17:55 That's gross. You're sharing your man? Are you kidding me?" Or, "No, you're, you're having sex with multiple people? Gross," you know? "You're a slut, you're a whore," whatever. But then those same people will go to a bar, get drunk, and then go up to their friend and go, "Ooh, I'm so drunk. Let's make out." And then they'll end up having a threesome at night in a drunken bender and afterwards pretend like it didn't happen- Mm-hmm because they're too good for that. Mm-hmm. And it's, it's, it's internal lies. It's lies. They're lying to themselves about the experiences that they like and they wanna do. Why? Because, I don't know, whatever.

18:37 They have whatever feelings about it. But it takes them getting drunk to experience this side of it. Oh. And they en- and some people do it a lot. Yeah. I had a lot of my first experiences drunk. Yeah? Yes. You know? And that's, I don't know. Those are the same people that tend to, you know, go, "Oh my God." Yeah. "I could never do that." Bitch, you done it. Are you fucking kidding me? You could never do it. You did it last Tuesday. And who goes out on Tuesdays? Drunks. Sorry if you're going out tomorrow night- … or Tuesday night. You might not be a drunk. I'm just saying. This is a part of my rant, though. I mean, realistically speaking, people are so quick to judge and then they have these, these skeletons in their closet.

19:24 And, you know, if maybe they were more accepting, then maybe us being in a vanilla setting being sexual with each other, and I'm not saying having sex, but being sexually affectionate and touchy-feely- Mm-hmm and making out, maybe that wouldn't weird people out so much. Maybe Maybe Just maybe. It wouldn't wor- it weird people out so much. But I think that there are also people out there who are single and lonely. Yeah, yeah. And then they see something like that going on in a vil- vanilla setting, and either it'll spurn a jealousy and they hate on that- Mm-hmm They'll think that it's okay to go, "Hey, you know what?

20:11 Can I touch her too?" Yeah. Can I touch her too? Yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah. No, you're right on that. That's such a dangerous question. I mean, we just need to, we need to, we need to create some kind of, like, game for us to play while we're there in vanilla settings sometimes. Maybe. I think we need to figure out how to better operate ourselves in a vanilla setting, because we have not been discreet in so long- It's hard that we forgot how to act when we're around people that we can't talk about this openly with. Like, we're like, "Uh…" What do we say? How do we say it? Now, I, I, I do wanna spin this in a totally different direction as we're wrapping up here.

20:53 Baby, can we talk about lube for a second? Like, really talk about it. She's been waiting all week- I have … to say this line. I have. It's because in the lifestyle, lube isn't just a nice-to-have, it's basically part of the packing. Yeah, right up there with the good sheets and the don't-forget-it-at-the-hotel toy bag. Exactly. And that's why we like Sliquid. Made in the US, clean ingredients, nothing weird going on in that bottle, which matters when you're using it with more than one partner more than once over a long weekend. They've got water-based, silicone, organic. So whether it's a quiet night in or a full takeover weekend, there's a formula that keeps up. Yeah. And the water-based line's toy safe, which if you ever had a toy night get complicated, you know that that matters.

21:40 Yeah. It's smooth. It lasts through however long the night decides to go. Seriously, no need to, like, reapply it. It's awesome. And it's genuinely earned a permanent spot in our bag. Yeah, like our actual travel bag. Yes. Not a euphemism. Yes. 15% off Sliquid. Links in the show notes. So pack it in, use it, and you can thank us later. That's right. We recently had the conversation on the way back home about objectifying women and, and in the lifestyle. I've, I've heard people who are not in the lifestyle refer to the swinger community as being full of men who objectify women.

22:24 And, and they're wrong, but they're also not wrong. Yeah. No. I've s- I've seen a lot- I am… Yeah … of, of husbands objectifying their wives- I have… Yes … for the sake of others. Like, I am… I see it, I hear it all the time. And in the lifestyle, yeah, it's a big, it's a big, big thing. I'm not gonna even say it's a red flag. It's just a big thing. A lot of men in the lifestyle objectify their women. Now, do their women know that they're doing this? I wanna say maybe about 50%. I wanna say half. Possibly. Maybe half. Possibly. I know that if my husband is pos- posting something about me and kind of, I don't know, sexually objectifying me, but in a very s- in a certain way, he and I have already discussed that.

23:12 Yeah. And that's why I'm saying it's 50/50. But when it's a lot of the… Man, I can't even explring, explain what, what kind of objectifation- Oh, I've- Objectification So I can tell you, I've had husbands who I have never met before reach out to me online. Yeah. And send me nude pictures of their wives or videos of their wives going down on other men or on them or whatever, and just immediately go, "Yeah, you like that? Here you go. You wanna see my wife? You wanna see that?" To a complete stranger. Mm-hmm. Now, that may be your kink, but I mean- That's objectification, people … objectifying your wife there. That is not okay.

23:53 And does she know about it? Yeah. Oh, I ask them. Is she okay with it? I'm like, "Does your wife know you're doing that?" "Well, of course she knows." I mean, does she know, though? I'm, uh, 'cause I'm- I mean, like for, for example- … in the beginning … like you, you brought up with us, y- you were too busy when we first started as swingers. Yeah. You were, you were too busy to take part in conversations, so you were like, "Yeah, you can share this, and you can share that. It's totally cool," you know? And, and, you know, we would always talk about it beforehand. Yeah. But at the same time, after a while we were like, "You know what? We're not sharing anything- Yeah … unless we've met them first- Yeah … in person. And then maybe." I'm super… I'm just paranoid like that. But yeah, there's a lot of, there's a lot of that.

24:34 Now, there's not a whole lot of women who objectify their men. No. Have you ever seen that before in the lifestyle, women objectifying their men? No. No. I mean, sometimes you talk about me like I'm just a dildo. I mean, you are. See? Objectifying. And how do I feel about that? Well, I would be offended except for the fact that we're probably gonna go have sex here in a minute, and I'm gonna come, and it's gonna be good, and we're gonna forget we even had this conversation. That's right. So obviously I'm not gonna hold onto it, 'cause if I held onto it, probably wouldn't have sex. Yeah. No, I don't Yeah, there's some women that might do it, but I don't really pay attention.

25:16 It is more the men. Sorry, guys, it's a lot of y'all. Y'all do that. A lot of men do that, in and out of the lifestyle, so do better Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen women really objectify men, and I've never seen, like, women with other women objectifying other women. No. No. I haven't seen that before. Mm-mm. That's interesting. Yeah. But I bet you it exists. I'm sure it does. Sure it exists. I'm sure. But obviously- You'll find them in the vanilla settings … but s- so with that being said, do you feel like when it comes to the lifestyle that men are more prominent in ruling or women are more prominent in ruling in this community?

25:58 Do women call the shots more or do men? I think, honestly, I think the men call the shots more for a younger generation of women. Yeah? And the… Actually, I'm not even gonna say that because I think it's just like life. It's 50/50 because I see a lot of women who just kind of sit back and let their man take control. Mm-hmm. And then I see a lot of women take control and the man just kind of sit back. Yeah. It just really depends. Like, I am not a sit back kind of woman. A lot of my friends are not, so it just really depends on what kind of person… And now I can see them a mile, like, I can see them when they're coming.

26:42 I'm like, "Nah, you're that kind of guy." And do you think that a lot of the ones where the men are calling the shots are, are they newer you think? Yes. 'Cause I've noticed that the pe- the women or the couples that have been in the community a while, those women seem to call the shots more. They're, they're either newer or they do not know, or they're, they're either newer or they're still iffy about the lifestyle. Yeah, it's still kind of- Yeah … still kind of early. So, like, they might be in it for a while and, but they've never played, or they only do it sporadically and they're like, "Mm." Hmm. Yeah. That's interesting. Yeah. Yeah, that is interesting. Just some things to think about, you know, because they always talk about porn and how porn objectifies women, but the argument there is that porn, it would appear that it's objectifying women, but really women call the shots.

27:35 We're the ones who… If, if I'm the one directing it, I'm the one doing it, I'm the one selling it, I'm the one do- it's all me There's no way a man's gonna objectify. There's… You can't say that because if I'm the one who's the boss and I'm the one doing what I wanna do- And choosing who you wanna play with and choosing who I wanna play with and choosing every single little thing, then no, there's nobody objectifying. I'm, I'm doing what pleases- You're objectifying yourself … I'm doing what pleases me- … you know? So. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I get that. Yeah. Okay. Well, you know, I think that this was a really good conversation. I do too. And you know what? That's a wrap on today's episode. All right. Yeah. But before we let you go, if you enjoyed this one, you know the, the drill.

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29:40 That's right. I have personally worked on it, and we're still adding more as we go along, so always scope that out. And with that being said, we thank you all for joining us for another episode of Beyond Monogamy, and we will see you guys next week. Bye.