QUICKIE: When One Partner Wants Poly and the Other Doesn't

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This podcast is intended for mature audiences only.

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We explore topics surrounding sexuality, intimate relationships,

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and related subjects in an open and candid manner. Please be

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advised that we are not licensed marriage or sex therapists, and the

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content shared here is for entertainment and informational purposes only.

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If you are under 18 years of age or prefer not to engage with discussions

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about sex, relationships, or mature language, we strongly recommend

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that you refrain from listening further. However, if you are of legal

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age and comfortable with this content, we invite you to settle in and enjoy the

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show. Hello and welcome to another

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episode of Beyond Monogamy. I'm Adam. And I'm Prez. And today on

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our Wednesday quickie, we are going to be reading a

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letter that we got from a listener. That's right. That's right.

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It's is very exciting. It's very exciting to get a letter from

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our listeners. Was it. It was very exciting. I got the little. You got mail.

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No, that's not. That's aol, right? Not the same one called

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out on my shit. All right, here we go. Thank you so much for.

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For writing into us. Let. Let me read this here. Here we go.

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Hi, Adam and Pris. First off,

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thank you both for the space you've created with Beyond

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Monogamy. Your honesty, vulnerability, and thoughtful

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conversations have been a real source of encouragement and perspective for us.

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We've been in the lifestyle for a few years now, and your podcast

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has helped us feel less alone in the complex but beautiful

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territory of non monogamy. We're writing because we're

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currently navigating a difficult crossroad in our journey.

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One of us, let's call them Partner A,

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feels increasingly drawn toward exploring polyamory,

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building deeper, more individual connections

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outside of our primary relationship. The idea of

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emotional intimacy and separate,

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independent relationships feels authentic and fulfilling

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to them, even though they weren't initially looking for that.

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The other partner, Partner B,

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is really struggling with this. They're comfortable with sharing

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experiences together, but the idea of one of

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us doing things independently without the other being present or

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involved creates a lot of anxiety and discomfort.

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It's not coming from a place of not trusting the

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other, but more from not being able to see what's

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happening and therefore feeling a loss of control or connection

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to the situation. There's a strong sense of

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wanting to be on the same page, in the same room, holding hands

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through the experience, so to speak. Partner B often

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ends up feeling like a third wheel when Partner A starts to connect more

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deeply with someone else. It feels uneven, like we're not doing

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this together anymore. End Quote, and that

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really hurts. We've had many conversations, some gentle

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and some hard, and we're trying to understand each other better without

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pushing either of us into something we can't emotionally handle.

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But we've not sure how to bridge

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this dividend. It is possible for someone more couple

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centric to find peace within a relationship where the other

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person is leaning more polycentric.

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How do we navigate this with one person feeling abandoned

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and the other feeling constrained? We'd be deeply grateful for

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any thoughts, personal insights, or episode recommendations you might have that touch on situations

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like ours. Thank you for everything you do and for holding space

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for all of us figuring this out. Once again, conversation at a time.

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Ooh, yeah, been there. That's a lot. Been there,

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done that. That is a lot to process. I am partner B.

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Totally. You're partner A. I am absolutely partner A.

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I'm the. I'm the little floaty guy. I'm floating away. Little floaty

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guy. Well, okay, so started

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together. Doesn't feel like they're doing it together anymore

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because one's more poly pulling and the other one is

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not. Is the other one poly? Is the other one wanting

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to be poly? I mean, it doesn't. Doesn't really say there,

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but, you know, I mean, who knows? Yeah, it's one of those things.

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Okay, well, let's assume that the other one doesn't want to be poly. Let's,

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let's say that. Let's. Let's do that. And I think first

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off, take some time for yourself. It looks like

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maybe there's some miscommunication or

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someone is not communicating what they really want and how they really

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feel. No tiptoeing people. Yeah, no,

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you really have to be. You have to be. Get your over communicating,

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grab your balls and be like, look, this is what I want.

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So we've been there. We were. We were poly for five years. Yeah. Yeah.

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And you know, realistically, we had been in the lifestyle

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for a while, a good several years,

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and then we just jumped headfirst into poly.

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We jumped headfirst the same way we jumped into swinging,

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actually. Just all the way in. Someone. Yeah, someone mentioned

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it to you and we started looking into it and

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you brought it up. So you brought up the conversation. I did.

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I liked the idea and it just seemed very appealing

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to me. Yeah. And I remember we would have all the conversations about it and

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it's like, well, why do you want to do this? And, you know, we got

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into this together and that's not going to really be together.

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Are we going to find somebody to date together. And I was like, well,

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we can, but, you know, if we can't, then we're going to have

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to explore separately. I, I,

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I did it more for you, for sure.

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Yeah. I dealt with my feelings, I dealt with my insecurities.

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I dealt with my jealousy. And not only that, but you

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had to put on a, for lack of a better word,

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of a fake Persona. Yeah. To make it seem like you were

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enjoying it. Yeah. Yes. Like, like you were legitimately enjoying

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it. Because I didn't know that I didn't like it.

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No. I knew you made it difficult. Yeah. But I also know that you're difficult.

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Yes. You know, and I'm a very. A territorial person.

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You are. And you're very bratty. Yes. And so that's just the kind

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of personality you are. Oh, man. The brattiness came out even more,

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man. Big time. Yeah, big time. Yeah. Because it's like,

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well, that's mine. Yeah. So that

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was the only thing that. That, oh, man, that was, that was a

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rough one. Those were hard. Yeah, those were hard days. Well, you know, you were

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also going through menopause at the same time, and we were apart.

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We were like, literally three hours away. From each other for six

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months. For six months. Yeah. That was a rough one. You know,

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it takes a lot. It's hard when one. One partner

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wants something different. I definitely think the

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communication where, where did it kind

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of stray? Was it, was it. This person is talking

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to somebody and feelings came up and now they want to be poly

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or, you know, there's different scenarios. Like, did a already have

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a conversation going on with somebody or, or already

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have a friend that they were interested in, and it kind of

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is now. Evolving, I think, for, for, I mean,

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speaking for myself, the situations that I've always been in, it's always been

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like a, an organic thing. Okay. Like,

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you don't go looking for it. It just happens. It just happens.

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You know, you get involved with somebody or whatever, and. Yeah. Or there's a.

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Just a certain kind of vibe, and it's just like, oh, this is somebody

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I want to connect with, you know, that sort of thing. Yeah. You still get

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that sometimes. Yeah, and I might. Don't tell me about it.

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That's how you handle it now. Don't tell me about it. Yeah, we're good.

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That your little feeling will fade soon, so keep that to yourself, you know,

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Tuck that in. Well. And, you know, that's the thing about it is as,

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as a, as a partner. A over here.

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Yeah. You know, I had to learn how to exactly what you

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say. Tuck that. Tuck that shit back. You know, there was. There was a lot

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of factors that came into play. I had to figure out just

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how much you were my priority, which I always knew you

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were my. Understand. I understand. Yeah. But just as

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you were afraid to break, you know, to break the news that you

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didn't want to be poly anymore because you thought it was going to break us

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apart, I too had to question myself and say, is this

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something that I can walk away from? When I asked myself

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that, though, I answered it very quickly. And so there really wasn't a

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whole lot of difficulty making that decision when

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it was made. So when you said that you didn't want to be poly,

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I. I literally processed it for like 30 seconds and I was like,

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okay, yeah, cool. Yeah, that's fine.

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Because I knew that it was something that I can put away and

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I'll be fine. It's not gonna be the end of the world because my marriage

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is my number one priority. But did you know that the whole time? Yeah,

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the whole time we were poly. Did you know that?

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Were you okay with, like, not doing it

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in the very beginning? Like, I think no, I. I would have.

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I would have struggled. Yeah. So keep in mind that this. Had you

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came out with this. We were five years in and I

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had already seen how shitty.

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Excuse me, but I'm sorry, I am

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polycentric. I'm poly minded. But my experiences

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in the poly lifestyle, they started off great.

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It's that new relationship energy. You start off

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real excited and this person's wanting me and I'm wanting them, and we spend a

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lot of time together and it's these hot makeout sessions and all this fun stuff

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and it's all brand new. And then eventually it becomes a

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relationship that you have to put work at, you have

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to put time in. And maybe if you're single

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and you have a very simple job, sure, why not?

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You can make it work. But as a married man who had

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five kids and I was very close to all of them,

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it was difficult sharing my time with somebody else as

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well as sharing my family money with somebody else.

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Yeah. To take them out for their birthday, of which

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I. I only remember my kids and my

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wife's birthday. And that took some doing, you know what I mean? So that's

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really where I started to kind of question myself and go,

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well, if my relationship at home is great and

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I really don't have to work that hard to keep it great,

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why would I be jumping into a relationship with somebody else

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and trying to put forth all this work and

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stress and emotion and ups and downs and.

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And ruin my peace, you know, what. What am I doing? You know?

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And. And so I ended up breaking up with my last

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girlfriend, and I was just like, you know, I'm sorry, but this just isn't

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working out, you know, and we. We broke it off. And then probably

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two weeks later, you had told me

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I. You seemed very happy when I broke

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it off. Yeah, you were happy. And I remember telling you about it, and you

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sounded very happy about it. But then, like, a day or two later,

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you were upset because you saw that I was. I was getting back

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on the apps, and I was making plans to meet up with somebody, and you

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were like, oh, really? You're gonna do this already? Like, you just got out of

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a relationship. I was like, yeah, you know, what the hell? And so I think

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it was the buildup from that that kind of spilled

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over into the argument that we ended up having. And then. And then you just

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came out with it. Yeah. That you didn't want to be poly anymore.

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And, you know, it. For me, it was never really a question so

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much as, you know, it was like, if this. If this comes up, I know

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that I wouldn't sacrifice my marriage

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for this lifestyle. Like, I may enjoy it,

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but I would never put my family or my relationship in

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the way of that. Like. Yeah. You know, it's just not. I wouldn't

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do it. Yeah. My relationship and my kids, I'm like, you guys

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are my number one. Y' all are my everything. Yeah. And to me, you know,

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once he said that you didn't want to do that anymore, I was like,

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okay, well, it. We. We always said that we would walk away from anything,

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and that. That was always the deal. That's always the deal. It's always the deal.

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We just walk away. I mean, I understand the third. I mean, I don't

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understand the third wheel, because I. When we would meet people, I would just

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attach myself to you. I didn't care if you were meeting the girl or whatever.

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I'm just always on you. Yeah. I'm just always touched. See, but I do.

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That's where I get that, though. Yeah. That's where I understand, like,

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the. It is hard to see your partner that

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you love like somebody else,

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because I guess that's why I was. It was

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hard for me to. Like, I didn't. I didn't. You like this person? Why did

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you like this person? I'm better than that person. Like, how dare you like that

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person. So I had a lot of that. Right, Right. And then,

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like, there's a lot of little jealous things that would come up. It's like,

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oh, I remember you telling me. You were like, what? Why are you

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into her? She. She looks nothing like me. And I'm like, okay, yeah. Oh,

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yeah. And a lot of you had a girlfriend, so it was the

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title. It was your birthday. Y' all were sharing little gifts.

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Right? Right. Y' all shared little things that y' all, like, together, which irked

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me. Yeah. And I was like, you know.

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Yeah. No, I'm. That. That's. My brain does

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not work that way. My heart doesn't work that way. Okay.

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But I did have to get to that point. I had to get to

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a point where, one, I was. I had to get

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to a selfish point of, I do not care what Adam

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has to say or what Adam wants right now.

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Priscilla is going to speak her mind. And however this

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00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:14,390
ends up, I was prepared for it. Yeah. Right.

229
00:15:14,950 --> 00:15:17,830
So it took a lot for me to.

230
00:15:18,950 --> 00:15:23,110
In the middle of a argument that had nothing to do with Paulie to

231
00:15:23,610 --> 00:15:27,190
say, I don't want to be Paulie. Because I think that's where it was

232
00:15:27,690 --> 00:15:31,190
festering. I was. I was holding that down. I was like, I am

233
00:15:31,690 --> 00:15:35,350
done. I had to get to a point where I was done doing

234
00:15:35,910 --> 00:15:40,250
it for you. And I wanted to

235
00:15:40,410 --> 00:15:43,610
either see, if that was going to be something that you wanted to do,

236
00:15:44,010 --> 00:15:47,410
then I was going to be out. Right. And if this was

237
00:15:47,910 --> 00:15:50,570
going to be something that you were going to be okay with dropping. Okay.

238
00:15:51,070 --> 00:15:54,890
So you said, yeah, let's drop it. But I still felt very.

239
00:15:55,450 --> 00:15:58,850
I felt bad. And it took a

240
00:15:59,350 --> 00:16:02,770
while before you realized that I was actually okay with it. Yeah, I felt really

241
00:16:03,270 --> 00:16:06,840
bad, like I was holding you back from something that I was not

242
00:16:07,340 --> 00:16:10,640
giving you, something that you really, really wanted. But again,

243
00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:14,240
I had to be okay with that. I had to be okay with

244
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:17,680
the decision you made by saying okay

245
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:21,600
and the decision I made by saying, I don't want to do this anymore.

246
00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:25,760
Right. You know, the outcome was exactly what I

247
00:16:26,260 --> 00:16:29,120
wanted. But it could have gone both ways. You know,

248
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:32,320
it could have easily gone either way. So you have to have that

249
00:16:32,820 --> 00:16:36,020
uncomfortableness and be like it. Yeah.

250
00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:40,060
You know. You know, now tuck those

251
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:44,460
feelings in, sir. Got to. Got to. You know, there's no romanticness.

252
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:48,060
You know? You know, there's. There's a. We had to kind of

253
00:16:48,460 --> 00:16:51,700
bounce back. You know, once we. We stopped being

254
00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:55,300
poly, we kind of took a little break.

255
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:59,300
We focused on each other. For like a month before we jumped

256
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,980
back into the lifestyle. Longer. Probably longer. It might have been a few months.

257
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:07,080
Yeah. But then we jumped back into the lifestyle, and I wasn't certain how

258
00:17:07,580 --> 00:17:11,240
it was gonna go because I really. I did enjoy making

259
00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:15,400
the connections and doing that sort of thing. Like, I enjoyed that aspect of

260
00:17:15,900 --> 00:17:19,280
Polly, but I didn't want the relation that.

261
00:17:19,780 --> 00:17:23,480
That heavy, heavy relationship portion. I just didn't want it. I want it. You know,

262
00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:26,880
it's like, give me all the nre all day long with. I don't want the

263
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:30,200
relationship. Don't give me that, like, leave that part at the door.

264
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:34,010
So I really needed, like, a mix and match kind

265
00:17:34,510 --> 00:17:36,450
of a la carte situation.

266
00:17:37,650 --> 00:17:41,490
And as we reentered the lifestyle, I remember having talks

267
00:17:41,990 --> 00:17:45,810
with you about how I realized I cannot get

268
00:17:46,310 --> 00:17:50,410
hard unless I have a connection with somebody. Yeah. And you

269
00:17:50,910 --> 00:17:53,330
were like, well, why do you have to connect with them? And, well, I don't.

270
00:17:53,830 --> 00:17:56,210
I don't know. I just can't. You know, I. I feel like I need to.

271
00:17:56,930 --> 00:18:00,410
And, you know, so I said, I. I'd really like to explore, like, a friends

272
00:18:00,910 --> 00:18:04,670
with benefits situation. And you weren't very keen on the idea, but you

273
00:18:05,170 --> 00:18:08,350
said, okay, I'll cons. You know, we'll. We'll give it a shot, you know,

274
00:18:08,850 --> 00:18:12,350
and of course, everything is in theory until something

275
00:18:12,850 --> 00:18:16,230
comes up. And then it's like, okay, let's. We're actually doing this now. Yeah.

276
00:18:16,550 --> 00:18:19,990
And. And, you know, then kind of feelings change, and then it's

277
00:18:20,490 --> 00:18:23,830
kind of. We're feeling this out. We're seeing how this goes, you know,

278
00:18:24,470 --> 00:18:27,910
so it was difficult at first when we started doing that

279
00:18:28,410 --> 00:18:32,430
whole thing, but what I liked about it was that was your compromise,

280
00:18:32,930 --> 00:18:36,510
basically. That was your sacrifice, giving to me,

281
00:18:37,230 --> 00:18:40,910
saying, you know, like, I know that you're sacrificing this

282
00:18:41,550 --> 00:18:45,070
for our relationship. I'll sacrifice this little bit

283
00:18:45,550 --> 00:18:49,190
to. To appease you here. Yeah. And it

284
00:18:49,690 --> 00:18:52,790
seemed like a really great compromise because,

285
00:18:53,290 --> 00:18:56,190
you know, I feel like it's working out. You know, we both seem pretty satisfied.

286
00:18:56,690 --> 00:19:00,100
You know, it's. We're okay right now. We're good

287
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:04,580
with having the uncomfortable conversations. We've gotten

288
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:07,820
used to it. You know, if I don't like something. If you don't like something,

289
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:11,820
we talk about it. You and I are very different. We are very different.

290
00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:15,900
And we. But we've learned to accept that. Yes. Without judgment. Without any judgment.

291
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:19,300
And that. That. That took a little bit. There was some stuff that we had

292
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:23,100
to get past, but we've both learned to accept that.

293
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:27,080
You know, we are not the same in this journey.

294
00:19:27,580 --> 00:19:31,400
We have different wants, we have different likes, and we're just

295
00:19:31,900 --> 00:19:34,840
on two very different levels when it comes to this.

296
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:38,920
And to be able to come together as a powerhouse couple and

297
00:19:39,420 --> 00:19:43,280
still make it work, that's everything. Because that. That takes some doing,

298
00:19:43,780 --> 00:19:47,280
man. Yes. Takes some doing. It takes a lot. Yeah. And. And you

299
00:19:47,780 --> 00:19:50,760
know, this. It's always a. It's always a work in progress.

300
00:19:51,340 --> 00:19:54,620
You and I are learning more about each other. We're learning

301
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:58,220
more about ourselves. Different experiences that we want to

302
00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:01,260
have and different things that we want to do and that sort of thing.

303
00:20:01,900 --> 00:20:05,580
And I don't know, I just feel like we

304
00:20:05,660 --> 00:20:09,500
couldn't have gotten here if it weren't for our experiences

305
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:13,580
in poly. So there was some positive that came out of it. Even though you

306
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:17,180
were. You're still kind of carrying on some trauma from.

307
00:20:17,710 --> 00:20:21,550
From having all of those bad times when we were

308
00:20:22,050 --> 00:20:25,030
poly. But I would say, you know, there's.

309
00:20:25,530 --> 00:20:29,430
There's a lot of different ways that partner A can introduce

310
00:20:29,930 --> 00:20:33,429
this if they want to make it work. Yeah. One of the things

311
00:20:33,929 --> 00:20:37,710
is understand that it. It takes time. You know, it doesn't happen overnight.

312
00:20:38,190 --> 00:20:41,910
If your partner is maybe slightly open to the idea,

313
00:20:42,410 --> 00:20:45,980
but still very uncomfortable with the idea. Well, maybe just continue

314
00:20:46,060 --> 00:20:49,100
just having conversations about it, you know, and just.

315
00:20:49,580 --> 00:20:53,260
Just let it be conversations until you guys are ready to take it up a

316
00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:57,500
little bit. Baby steps, you know. Yeah. And eventually walk it down

317
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:01,580
that way. And maybe you find somebody you're interested in and

318
00:21:01,900 --> 00:21:05,900
you can introduce that person to your partner and have

319
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:10,180
that person involved. So I will say that, like partner

320
00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:15,260
B, if part if is good with partner A, pursuing partner

321
00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:19,300
B needs to be involved. Right. Like, yes, you're gonna

322
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:22,860
poly solo or whatever Yalls dynamic is going to be.

323
00:21:23,500 --> 00:21:28,060
Partner B has to always be involved. I just

324
00:21:28,300 --> 00:21:32,700
recently decided I don't almost have to be the face like

325
00:21:33,020 --> 00:21:36,500
I. When I wear poly. I wanted to meet the

326
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,420
girls you were going to date. Right. There was no way you were going to

327
00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:43,260
take my man out without me getting a feel for you. Yeah, that's right.

328
00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:47,080
I'm still that way. Yeah. You know, I'm. I'm very protective.

329
00:21:47,580 --> 00:21:50,880
I'm very territorial. So it's the little things. And maybe

330
00:21:51,380 --> 00:21:54,960
partner B needs that. Needs a bit of. There are some people

331
00:21:55,460 --> 00:21:58,840
out there that. That prefer to disconnect and

332
00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:02,800
not know. And, you know, there are.

333
00:22:03,300 --> 00:22:05,800
There are people who dig that sort of thing. I have actually talked to a

334
00:22:06,300 --> 00:22:09,440
few where they're like, I don't. I don't want to know. They can do their

335
00:22:09,940 --> 00:22:12,720
own thing. Out of sight, out of mind. And when they come back to me,

336
00:22:13,220 --> 00:22:15,280
they come back to me and that's it. Like we don't talk about it,

337
00:22:15,780 --> 00:22:18,910
nothing like that. So there are some people that, that are like that. I have

338
00:22:19,410 --> 00:22:22,310
moments like that. I, I don't know how healthy it is. Yeah.

339
00:22:22,550 --> 00:22:26,390
But I come from a very, I, I, I very much a big believer

340
00:22:26,890 --> 00:22:30,550
in over communication. So I feel like out of sight, out of mind,

341
00:22:30,710 --> 00:22:33,150
we're not going to talk about it, that sort of thing. I just don't feel

342
00:22:33,650 --> 00:22:38,510
like it's that healthy. I feel like sometimes you gotta talk about it, but you

343
00:22:39,010 --> 00:22:42,430
know, it's just, it's just one of those things where you have to kind of

344
00:22:42,930 --> 00:22:46,410
accept it. Yes. Accept that your partner feels this way.

345
00:22:47,690 --> 00:22:51,490
On both ends. Yeah, on both ends. You have to accept that your partner feels

346
00:22:51,990 --> 00:22:55,210
this way. So if your partner A and you're feeling this way,

347
00:22:55,710 --> 00:22:59,770
you have to accept that your partner, that partner B doesn't.

348
00:22:59,850 --> 00:23:03,650
Yeah. And you have to respect that and, and vice versa,

349
00:23:04,150 --> 00:23:07,050
you know, and, and you just continue having the conversations.

350
00:23:07,770 --> 00:23:11,360
Now if you feel like you cannot be in

351
00:23:11,860 --> 00:23:15,960
that relationship anymore, then I

352
00:23:16,460 --> 00:23:18,680
don't know, I kind of feel like if you feel that way,

353
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:22,680
that, that may be a whole different story.

354
00:23:23,180 --> 00:23:27,000
All different story. If you're not willing to walk away from the entire

355
00:23:27,500 --> 00:23:30,960
lifestyle for your, for your partner, then they're

356
00:23:31,460 --> 00:23:35,000
not meant to be your primary partner. Yeah. You know what I mean? Now reevaluate.

357
00:23:35,500 --> 00:23:38,250
Not to say they're not meant to be your partner. No. But yeah, maybe they're

358
00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:42,730
not meant to be your primary partner because your primary partner, you would say no.

359
00:23:43,230 --> 00:23:47,010
I kind of feel like you're, you're the number one here. The number one

360
00:23:47,510 --> 00:23:51,210
feelings get hurt. You know, not everybody sees eye to eye, especially couples.

361
00:23:51,710 --> 00:23:55,290
Like, we all want different things. It's compromise.

362
00:23:55,450 --> 00:23:58,570
You have to compromise. You have to know what's more important.

363
00:23:59,850 --> 00:24:03,450
Did I hurt your feelings when we stopped being poly? Probably.

364
00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:08,680
But it takes a bit to kind of just get over that and be like,

365
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:13,400
okay, he's happy. We're here, we're here. And we've,

366
00:24:13,900 --> 00:24:17,240
we've gotten here because of that. Yeah.

367
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:20,960
Now I wouldn't recommend going that avenue just to be

368
00:24:21,460 --> 00:24:24,240
able to figure out this. I mean, if you want to reach the point that

369
00:24:24,740 --> 00:24:27,480
we're at, just learn how to over communicate. We had to learn the hard way.

370
00:24:27,980 --> 00:24:31,810
Yeah. But do I, do I value the experiences?

371
00:24:32,310 --> 00:24:36,810
I got through poly. Absolutely. But even I have trauma from

372
00:24:37,310 --> 00:24:40,330
it. You know, I had bad experiences from it. And,

373
00:24:40,830 --> 00:24:44,330
you know, knowing that I was doing something and enjoying something that my wife was

374
00:24:44,830 --> 00:24:48,130
obviously not enjoying was very difficult, too. You know,

375
00:24:48,630 --> 00:24:52,650
our communication was not good enough to where I knew that you

376
00:24:53,150 --> 00:24:56,410
didn't like it. I could feel it from you. But you weren't telling

377
00:24:56,910 --> 00:24:59,830
me that. No. And if you weren't going to tell me that, I wasn't going

378
00:25:00,330 --> 00:25:03,270
to shove the words in your mouth. You know, it's like it. If you really

379
00:25:03,770 --> 00:25:05,790
have a problem with this and you need to tell me, and you would tell

380
00:25:06,290 --> 00:25:09,430
me. No, no, no. It's all good. Everything's good. Okay. Yeah. That's cool.

381
00:25:09,510 --> 00:25:13,429
You know, I could feel that it was different, but I knew

382
00:25:13,929 --> 00:25:17,510
what you were telling me was different, too. Yeah. Now, could I have easily

383
00:25:17,590 --> 00:25:21,430
fought to expose that? And would the truth have come

384
00:25:21,930 --> 00:25:25,150
out as. Absolutely. It could have, but I wasn't going to do that.

385
00:25:25,650 --> 00:25:29,190
Yeah. You know, and so if our relationship had failed,

386
00:25:29,690 --> 00:25:33,110
I would have definitely been a big part of that. Yeah. Because I

387
00:25:33,610 --> 00:25:36,990
didn't communicate and I should have just. Just like that. You know, even though

388
00:25:37,490 --> 00:25:41,030
I had those feelings. And so realistically,

389
00:25:41,830 --> 00:25:45,230
the both of us just kind of really. Even though I'm

390
00:25:45,730 --> 00:25:47,350
more polycentric and you're really not.

391
00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:52,680
We. The. This. The way this works,

392
00:25:53,180 --> 00:25:56,440
it works out very well. And I think part of it works because,

393
00:25:56,760 --> 00:26:00,120
A, I know that you're my number one priority. Yeah.

394
00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:03,800
And if I know that it'll make you happy that I

395
00:26:04,300 --> 00:26:07,560
don't do poly, then that's reason

396
00:26:08,060 --> 00:26:11,920
enough. And then reason two, which really makes it a lot easier,

397
00:26:12,420 --> 00:26:15,850
is the fact that I ha. I know the stresses of being in a

398
00:26:16,350 --> 00:26:20,010
poly relationship. Yeah. And knowing how difficult it

399
00:26:20,510 --> 00:26:24,170
is feeling the tug of somebody else taking up my time and

400
00:26:24,670 --> 00:26:28,450
my effort and my energy. It's. It's exhausting

401
00:26:28,950 --> 00:26:32,930
being a friend to people when I have

402
00:26:33,010 --> 00:26:35,770
a full household. Yeah. You know what I mean?

403
00:26:36,270 --> 00:26:39,490
Yeah. But then on top of all that, you're going to add romance to it.

404
00:26:40,780 --> 00:26:44,500
I'm actually a pretty good husband to you. And I'm not

405
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:49,060
the most romantic guy. Like, I don't buy you flowers now all

406
00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:52,180
the time. I have before. I think I've learned that plants are your thing now.

407
00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:56,140
Yes. So I. But I. I don't. I don't do the

408
00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:59,980
romantic guy things that you see. You don't do the typical romantic.

409
00:27:00,140 --> 00:27:02,940
You know, I'm not the. I'm not the greatest with that.

410
00:27:03,340 --> 00:27:06,460
And to know that I'd have to,

411
00:27:06,620 --> 00:27:10,760
like, I would not be able to buy a girlfriend flowers.

412
00:27:11,260 --> 00:27:14,160
Are you kidding me? I don't even get my wife flowers. What the fuck?

413
00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:17,440
Yeah. You know, and then we had all these rules, like, well, you can't take

414
00:27:17,940 --> 00:27:21,560
her to hano dancing. You can't take her to the movies, because it has to

415
00:27:22,060 --> 00:27:24,279
be. It has to be a movie that I don't want to see. And even

416
00:27:24,779 --> 00:27:27,520
then, I don't know, you better take me to a movie first. Yeah. You know,

417
00:27:28,020 --> 00:27:30,960
we had all of these different rules. You can't eat at a restaurant that we

418
00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:34,520
never tried together. Yeah, there was. There was all

419
00:27:35,020 --> 00:27:38,430
sorts of rules which really binded the hell out of me, too. And,

420
00:27:38,930 --> 00:27:41,790
you know, I think a lot of stuff that happened, you. You really did your

421
00:27:42,290 --> 00:27:45,590
best to make it uncomfortable for me. Yeah. Which, I mean,

422
00:27:46,150 --> 00:27:50,070
even if you didn't, it probably still would have been uncomfortable for me.

423
00:27:50,150 --> 00:27:53,070
But you definitely helped out on that one. I did?

424
00:27:53,570 --> 00:27:56,630
Yeah. You definitely did a number on that one. And so that was. That was

425
00:27:57,130 --> 00:28:01,110
difficulty. But, you know, I've learned how to live

426
00:28:01,190 --> 00:28:04,710
without it, and primarily because you've

427
00:28:05,210 --> 00:28:09,170
compromised with me and you've let me explore

428
00:28:09,670 --> 00:28:12,850
and we explore friends with benefits,

429
00:28:12,930 --> 00:28:16,530
connections, you know, not all the time, but, you know, it's. It's available

430
00:28:16,770 --> 00:28:20,690
to us, and I get to connect

431
00:28:20,930 --> 00:28:24,370
on. On levels that I, you know, I. That I like.

432
00:28:24,870 --> 00:28:28,170
I get to connect as a friend, and, you know, I love all my

433
00:28:28,670 --> 00:28:31,010
friends, and so I get to connect with my friends and get to have these

434
00:28:31,510 --> 00:28:35,100
moments with them one on one, that sort of thing. Right. And it doesn't

435
00:28:35,500 --> 00:28:39,260
have to affect anything. There's no romance in it. It's just

436
00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:43,660
a friend's. Hey, you want to have some fun later or whatever,

437
00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:47,820
you know? Yeah. And that's nice. It's nice to be able to explore

438
00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:52,020
that. I feel like that's satisfying enough. Yeah. It scratches my itch.

439
00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:55,900
I'm good. I don't need anything else, you know, and so, you know,

440
00:28:56,140 --> 00:28:59,420
I'm pretty satisfied with that. Plus, you and I, in our journey,

441
00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:03,300
we're getting older, and we're learning to experiment

442
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:07,380
with different things and kind of opening up ourselves to new

443
00:29:07,880 --> 00:29:11,900
experiences. Yeah. We're evolving. I mean, that's all it is.

444
00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:15,660
You. You. You guys are gonna have to take a little step back.

445
00:29:16,140 --> 00:29:21,340
Yeah, absolutely. Take a little step back and. And see what's what.

446
00:29:22,300 --> 00:29:24,860
Why did you start this journey?

447
00:29:25,590 --> 00:29:29,270
Where do you want it to take you? Where do you see it going?

448
00:29:29,590 --> 00:29:32,910
Yeah. You know, everyone does

449
00:29:33,410 --> 00:29:37,470
it differently. What works for one partner may not work for the other partner,

450
00:29:37,970 --> 00:29:40,470
but you have to compromise. Absolutely.

451
00:29:41,510 --> 00:29:44,830
It's Just what it is, you know, like, there's a lot to talk

452
00:29:45,330 --> 00:29:48,630
about. Discuss it, have those uncomfortable conversations,

453
00:29:49,110 --> 00:29:52,350
have a little selfishness, Be involved,

454
00:29:52,990 --> 00:29:55,310
Talk, talk.

455
00:29:55,790 --> 00:29:59,470
Communicate 100% until you've said everything,

456
00:29:59,630 --> 00:30:02,270
every little detail that you can think of, say it all.

457
00:30:03,150 --> 00:30:06,350
Totally. I think that's the greatest advice that you could give. And I, I,

458
00:30:06,850 --> 00:30:10,510
I would second that for sure. You, you definitely should take a little bit of

459
00:30:11,010 --> 00:30:13,790
time, focus on each other and, you know,

460
00:30:13,870 --> 00:30:17,070
the, the lifestyle's not going anywhere and, and you

461
00:30:17,570 --> 00:30:20,620
know, you can dip in and dip out as you at your own leisure.

462
00:30:20,940 --> 00:30:24,140
This is your life. This does not belong to

463
00:30:24,640 --> 00:30:28,460
anybody else's. This is your life. And so you should treat it as such.

464
00:30:28,860 --> 00:30:32,420
Take some time, focus on each other. So that's, that's our consensus

465
00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:35,380
here. Thank you so much for writing to us. That was really, really cool.

466
00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:38,580
I loved that. And, you know, we're going to go ahead and wrap it up

467
00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:41,740
here because, you know, it, it, we got it. We got to move along.

468
00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:45,620
You know, we are busy, busy peeps. So thank you so much for listening.

469
00:30:46,120 --> 00:30:49,890
We appreciate everybody out there listening to us. That was really awesome getting

470
00:30:50,390 --> 00:30:52,890
that letter. If you feel like you want to share with us as well,

471
00:30:53,390 --> 00:30:57,130
that would be lovely because we'd love to hear from all of our listeners.

472
00:30:57,630 --> 00:31:00,930
If you have anything to say, by all means you can reach out to us

473
00:31:01,430 --> 00:31:05,210
via email@beyondmonogamy4umail.com that's

474
00:31:05,710 --> 00:31:09,650
Beyond Monogamy, number four letter umail.com

475
00:31:10,210 --> 00:31:14,170
youm can also find us on Facebook, Instagram, I believe

476
00:31:14,670 --> 00:31:18,690
we're on TikTok. So you're welcome to reach out to us in any

477
00:31:19,190 --> 00:31:22,130
of those fashions. If you actually find us on Facebook,

478
00:31:22,850 --> 00:31:26,210
you can actually, there's a link there that you

479
00:31:26,710 --> 00:31:30,930
can call us on the phone and you

480
00:31:31,430 --> 00:31:35,170
can leave us a voicemail or you can use that number and you can

481
00:31:35,670 --> 00:31:39,290
text us. Yep. If you want to text us whatever you'd like us to talk

482
00:31:39,790 --> 00:31:43,110
about on the show or if you have anything you want to say, you have

483
00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:46,350
anything you want us to share, just like this letter that we got just not

484
00:31:46,850 --> 00:31:50,790
too long ago. So we appreciate that. We really hope we hear from the rest

485
00:31:51,290 --> 00:31:53,950
of you guys, all of y' all listening out there in the world,

486
00:31:54,910 --> 00:31:57,950
and we will talk to y' all next week.