One-Sided Rules in the Swinger Lifestyle: Insecurity, Control & Communication

0:07 Alright y'all, before we dive in, a quick heads up. This show is raw, real, and definitely not rated pg. We're talking about adult themes, sexual content, and the kind of stuff you probably don't want blasting through your speakers at work or around your kits. So grab some headphones, pour your drink of choice and get comfy. Oh, and just so we're clear, we are not licensed therapists, counselors, or sex. Couches. Sex coaches. Sex coaches, not sex couches or just a couple of people sharing our lives, experiences and sexy adventures. An ethical non-monogamy.

0:47 So with that, pull up a chair and enjoy the show. And. Hello, and welcome to another episode of Beyond Monogamy. I'm Adam. And I'm Pris. And today's quickie is inspired by a message we got after our com compersion episode. Oof, I remember that one. Yeah. Someone wrote in about a dynamic where her husband sets all the rules. He decides who she can be with no single man. He asked her prove her partners. She doesn't have any rules for him. She experiences conversion. She wants him to have a great time, but when he watched her play at an event and didn't get to play himself, it brought up a lot. Yeah, that happens now.

1:27 He's only comfortable with her being with women. She agreed. Not because it's what she truly wants, but because she loves the lifestyle and doesn't want it to end. That's right. So today we're talking about one-sided rules, where they come from, what they protect, and what they can quietly cost a relationship over time, because this dynamic is way more common than people admit, and it deserves a real conversation. Now the listener's letter goes as follows, your Compersion podcast. December 31st, I think got me thinking about my experience in the lifestyle. My husband has rules that I don't agree with, but I go along with it to make him happy.

2:08 His rules are no single guys and he has to approve the men and women I have sex with. I don't have any rules for him. When we go to events and parties, I hope he has the best time with whoever he decides to be with. I don't care if he gets to play and I just watch. I'm really easy going. He's a bit of the opposite. For example, we went to an event where I played and he didn't. When we left, he expressed that he did not like watching me play and didn't want me having sex with men anymore. He's only okay with me being with women. I agreed to this because I love being in the lifestyle and I don't want him to end things Completely.

2:53 Thoughts. Thanks in advance. Now this, if you're just looking at it, it can look a little negative. I have so many questions. It can look a little negative, Matt. Now, you know, uh, okay. I, I understand the situation I do too, from both standpoints. Yeah. And I get it. 'cause, and, and I know you do. I do. So I can identify with her. I, I really understand where she's coming from because I am with somebody who has a lot of rules for me. Yeah. And I'm at that point where I'm like, okay, well I really love her. And do we know how long they've been in the lifestyle? Uh, yes. So I, I did end up she reached out and we spoke.

3:38 Yeah, they've been together, I believe, like 16 years, somewhere around the same amount of time as us. Okay. How long have they been in the lifestyle? Uh, they've been in the life, they're very new, like a few months, I believe. Okay. Yeah, and they've been together for 16. Okay. So all, so this a very, very new feelings situation. So I feel like there's a lot, and I'm only speaking from experience. I feel like he has a lot of insecurities. Which doesn't necessarily make him a bad guy. It's not a bad thing. We not a bad thing. We all suffer from insecure. Yeah. Yeah. It's he's not opening up. And so what happens is, is he's not opening up and then he's just like, so, look, we're gonna do this, but you're gonna do this my way, which is probably the most comfortable for him, but not the best.

4:29 The lifestyle. Now, I, I did have, uh, an opportunity to speak with her. It was an in, it was a great conversation, and she pretty much let me know, look, you know, I know that this has a, a negative tone to it, but he's actually an a, a really incredible husband. Very loving to her and to the kids. Yeah. And this sort of thing, but this is such a new situation. Yeah, no, and uh, you know, she just kind of wants to help. Understand it and figure out where to go from here. So he needs a lot of reassurance. Like when you were playing with that couple and he was watching and he didn't like it, were you still involving him? Question mark.

5:10 And if you were still involving him, was he involved enough to be satisfied? Probably not. Or was he just sitting back and watching? Because those two things really come into play on different feelings because Do they? Yeah, because if he wasn't watching you, if he wasn't participating, like just sitting back and watching, just sitting back and watching, you're analyzing every touch, every look, every kiss, every smell, everything, every moan. You're analyzing that as you're sitting back watching. Is that right? Yeah. So I, I guess I understand, but not really.

5:52 And I know that you can relate to his situation because that was more or less you. Uh, out of the two of us. Mm-hmm. I know for a fact that in the very beginning you did not like to watch me with other women at all. No. And if you had your way, if it, if you could go back to the Priscilla of back then Yeah. And you could set it up the way you wanted it set up, I think you would've been totally okay with me. Not playing and literally just watching you do your thing. No, really? No. Really? I would've just stuck with more of parallel playing only really?

6:33 We wouldn't have, uh, swapped at all. No. I mean, in the beginning, no. Yeah. I think that would've probably been the best, but Wow. I I i's way off of the mark. Yeah. No, I wouldn't have want you. How about that? I wouldn't have want you to watch me. No. I want you to be involved. So I would just rather play with you. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. So I feel like it's something made him uncomfortable and until I know that whole part, I can't really. Express that. Well, I mean, but it is, you know, either way this is, this is really more common than people think. Yes. This is something that comes up often. This comes up all the time. You know what's funny is where we see, we've seen it from two different sides. Yes. We've seen it from the swinging standpoint, which is what we're currently talking about.

7:16 And obviously there are usually insecurities that would make a person feel this way. Mm-hmm. But. We've also seen it from a polyamorous standpoint, and that kind of thinking is, uh, normally comes down to like a one penis policy Yeah. Kind of thing. And that's considered a very toxic way of being. Yeah. Now I know by speaking to her that it's not necessarily that he's toxic, it's that he's, no, he's just trying to figure out, I don't think there's anything how they can navigate this. I don't think there's anything toxic about it. No. I think that, you know, your husband just needs a little bit more attention.

7:58 Reassurance, although reassurance. Yeah. Um, so going into situations, you know, he needs some reassurance and a lot of, so like that the things that she, that only she was playing, kind of look back and see the, see the situation. Why was that? Why was the, why would you know? Because maybe he just needed a little bit of. Hey honey, I'm still here. Hey honey, I still want you. Maybe he needed a little bit more of attention. Yeah. And you know, this is really, this is new for both of them. So it, it wasn't like when we started No. Where you were more experienced than I was. Yeah. Uh, this is brand new for both of them, Uhhuh.

8:39 And so in a situation like that, you know, he gets to have his fun and he's experiencing playing with others. And she's sitting back watching and enjoying that. But that's her because she doesn't mind that. Uh, and that's her, and that's her thing. That's not right. See, that wasn't my thing, but that's not really his thing. And so when he sat back and he basically, you know, there was a, a night that. You know, the first night he was very much in demand. Well, the second night she was very much in demand. Yeah. And he was not. And so he got to see her get enjoyed and he didn't really care for it. Yeah. And you know, it's not for everybody. And like I said this is a very similar situation. Yeah. Because Adam's a very wonderful husband.

9:22 He is a very good father. He is. He is wonderful. It's not like I'm lacking anything, but it was hard for me to see him with somebody else and then if he did things, if he said things or if he acted a certain way. I mean, damn, even to this day, yeah, I still roll my eyes. I have to roll my eyes at, she's gotten better because it's like. Whatever. It's, whatever girl, take whatever you can. It's a, it's a compromise. It's, it's a compromise between us. You know, in the very beginning, I did whatever we could to keep you happy and appeased because I wanted to, you wanna, yeah. You lifestyle. Lifestyle. Mm-hmm. But at some point you have to start growing because you do.

10:03 I'm entitled to enjoy myself as well. Yeah, you do. I mean, like, you enjoyed Polly. I didn't. And that's where we were different, you know, so like we have. But yeah, I think a little bit it has something to do. If he's a good husband or not a good husband, I think you guys are going to enjoy the lifestyle. There just needs to be a little bit more communication, um, over communication. I think they may be talking. I don't think that they're talking enough. There's a lot of. Differences how, you know, I mean, honestly, you can go back, back. How was he raised? Who was around him? How was he in high school? Adam lacked attention. So he loves attention. True. I did not lack attention.

10:44 I don't need attention. I'm a total slut. Yeah. I, I was, she really is very selective. I'm very selective. I was a spoiled brat. He was not. No. So there's a lot of things that, if you can go back. So I was a pleaser. Yeah. And I still am. Yeah. So like, if you can go back and go back, figure out what's making him feel like that. If he's not opening up you know, there's some questions you can ask him. I would be like. So, you know, hey, we, we had a little talk about the lifestyle and you said you didn't really wanna see me with men. Can you tell me why? Like, how did that make you feel? What did it, what was it? Because then you're gonna have in your mind, okay, when I go play with somebody.

11:26 Adam's gonna feel a certain way, and I already know why he's gonna feel a certain way. So I'm gonna be like, Hey, I love you. You know, you're like my favorite person to have sex with. And reassure, reassure, reassure, reassure. Yeah, kiss. Do whatever he loves, whatever he wants. And that moment, and then slowly ease your way into it. You don't always have to play. You don't always have play. You don't always have to play. Maybe kind of step back a little bit and do more of parallel play or do more. Exactly. Yeah. Actually watch more the watch. That's a really good point. Yeah. Lawyer, you know, in situations like that where maybe he's not feeling the vibe. Mm-hmm. Or, you know, that sort of thing.

12:06 Maybe just focus on each other and play in front of each other in front of others, or play at the party with each other. You know, you don't have to play with everybody else. The act itself is hot. The act itself is hot. And just over, like you said, over communicate, like really talk it out. I was exactly like your husband. I totally understand. And I'm a, I feel I'm a great wife. Like I have no problem admitting I'm a great wife. I'm a great mom. Mm-hmm. There's just certain things that just made me feel like I wanted to keep to myself, which is not, which is impossible to do in the lifestyle. I can't tell Adam, don't fuck her like that. 'cause that's the way you fuck me, homie.

12:48 Doesn't have a lot of moves. Ah, I got like three moves at best. Like we have, what am I gonna do? Exceptionally fun sex. I'm not gonna go and tell him. Hey, you can't do, oh, he's gonna be out. Yeah. You're gonna be like, what? I'll be like, well, I can just stand here and just watch them. Yeah. Okay. Or you can, is it always fun to watch him with other women? No. No. You know what? I'm glad that you rounded back to that because that was actually the the home base that I wanted to round to. Yeah. You said something earlier that I found quite interesting and. You did not like watching me. Yeah. With others. Yeah. Like it just, it tore me apart. So can you, can you go into that?

13:28 Because we've never really, really discussed that before. I, so what was it about that? Everything. Like what was the problem? If you moaned a certain way, I was like, Ugh, what is she doing to him that I don't do? And he's moaning like that. Yeah. He came fast. What is she doing that I didn't make him do that. Yeah. So I would, there was things like that, that was literally a thing. I remember one specifically. We had a girl come over to the house and she, she gave me head. Sh I came very fast. Mm-hmm. Very fast. You didn't act different that entire time until it was time for her to come to go home. Mm-hmm. And when she left, then you came to me and you were like, so what was. What was the deal like? What was she, what did she do? This so was good. What did she do? And it wasn't like a, an I'm interested. No.

14:08 Let me figure out how to better please you. Situation. No, it was a okay motherfucker. What did she do? Yeah. And why didn't you do that with me? Yeah. The last time I gave you head. And I was like, oh shit. And we had probably a few more episodes of me coming at him like that. A bit aggressive. A bit aggressive, a bit aggressive. And then he's really good about talking me off the. Let go of the trigger bitch. Yeah. Let me explain this to you. Yeah. It's very Ray Liotta. Goodfellas. Yeah. So, you know, he's like, I would then, we would probably argue about it. It would probably be the very, very heated discussion.

14:48 Yeah. And then after that I would figure it out in my head, be like, okay, so it's the way I'm asking him. Why is that making me feel so insecure? He would to then tell me, oh, well she did this and this is why. And of course it's someone different. It's gonna make them come fast, right. For the most part. And he would tell me, well, she did this with her tongue or she did this. And I'd be like, okay. Or I'm gonna do it better. Yeah. And so it's the communication. It's the way he comes, it's the way we come at our partners. We have to be okay with feeling that uncomfortable. And it's really hard for people. I feel like it's really hard for men too, because they have a lot of size insecurities and a lot of bro Yes.

15:35 Insecurities of about pleasing women because we are so hard to please. That's true. Um, we're not an easy being to please. We're not, we're super selective. So for a man to fulfill us. Is pretty amazing. And so he probably feels really insecure about that. I mean, it could be, and it really could be any number of things. Yeah. But really you need to sit down. You need to have the uncomfortable conversation. There is nothing comfortable about it. But I guarantee you, you both will learn a lot more about each other in that conversation. Yeah. Like, you're gonna learn some incredible things and whether or not you take to them is a different story.

16:20 Yeah. And I, I have to mention something. I don't know if this is your situation, but I'm just gonna say situations come up when this happens. If both of y'all are drinking or there's some kind of elevation and you're playing. Things like that come up, feelings that don't need to be, feelings that usually don't ever come up pop up Oh, yeah. When you're elevated, so Totally, totally. You know, kind of sit back and unfortunately one of y'all has to be the bigger person and be like, all right, let's figure out what's making him trigger. So yeah, that's really what it comes down to is, yeah. I mean. It's communication. It is. Yeah. And, and I know that we say this all the time, and there's a reason why we say this all the time.

17:03 If you're not if it feels like you're doing too much, then you're doing the right amount. Yeah. If it feels like a parody of itself mm-hmm. If it's like, man, I'm, I'm overdoing this, but here, whatever. You're doing it the right way. That is. Lifestyle and vanilla. Mm-hmm. That's just relationships, bro. You really, really have to work through it and you have to be the more patient one while one of y'all does. Yeah. While he figures out his footing in this whole thing it, your patients may get tested at times with it. Sometimes I have days where I'm like, dude, what about me? Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, I don't wanna be that guy. Yes. But there are some times where I'm just like, dude.

17:46 Gimme a fucking break. Yeah. I want to have fun too. Yeah. And when that happens, it comes out and if I hold it in, it's gonna probably spur resentment. Yeah. I don't hold it in. I say it and you know, and you know your husband. I don't have a husband, but I know my wife. But no, like her, she knows her husband. Yes, exactly. So they've been together a long time. Like, you know, you know your partner, your, you know your partner, you know how to talk to your partner, you know how to approach your partner, and it could be during a nice little intimate moment, brushing your teeth while you're showering, whatever y'all do together. Right. Bring up that subject and be like, so, hey, I just.

18:28 I really love the lifestyle, but I really wanna like talk about some things and I feel like we really need to like discuss it. Bring it up as many times as you want. Yeah. And see if you could schedule the talk. Yeah, schedule the talk. Make it fun. Make it fun. You can make it fun. Go out on a date, go have pizza and have the conversation. Yeah. And be like, it's uncomfortable guys. I know. It is uncomfortable. It's, I am that person. I am the. Damn, this made me feel really uncomfortable and having to tell him and he'll help me work it out. And sometimes I don't like his answer and then I'm like nevermind. I'll just figure this out myself. But at least we had the conversation, um, you know what I found interesting was when I had spoken to her about it she had mentioned something that reminded me of you back when we were poly and you had said that you didn't wanna be poly anymore and you were afraid that it was gonna break up our marriage.

19:23 Right. And I, that information shocked the hell outta me because I thought that we had a great relationship. Yeah. And I always knew that if you didn't want this life, I was willing to. Prioritize our relationship over anything. And so that, I knew that wasn't an, an issue. Right. But you didn't. Her situation is kind of the same in that she doesn't know how it's gonna affect him. Like, you know, what if, what if he doesn't wanna be in the lifestyle and she does. 'cause she really enjoys it and that sort of thing. And it's like, well, have you talked to him about it? And it's like, well, no. Well, you need to take a chance. Yeah. You know, you've been on, you've been with this person a long time. You know how they are. You know how they feel, how they think.

20:04 Trust that. What you think their reaction is gonna be is gonna be their reaction. Yeah. And, and trust that, yeah, trust that it's not gonna be the worst case scenario because you love them and because they love you. Give them a little bit of extra credit. I, I, I, I think I give them, yeah. I asked for that so many times. For so many years. I was like, dude, give some credit. I'm here. I love you. Like, we have this life together. And it takes, it takes a long time. It's just, it's a lot of work. It's a lot of reassurance. And if you're mm-hmm. It feels like you're willing to put in the work and you know, I know that you like the lifestyle and it's fun, but you don't have to step away, just talk to him. And if it does come down to leaving the lifestyle, it is what it is. Right.

20:44 It's life. I mean, it's your relationship prioritized over everything else. Mm-hmm. For us. That's the way it always was. You know, I, I may be non-monogamous by nature as far back as I can remember, but for this woman. I would be monogamous any day of the week if she asked for it, because it's our relationship that is my 100% priority. Yeah. Now not to say that's, that's not the same for everybody. Yeah. There's others out there that have several different relationships and prior prioritize them all similar and you know, you just never know. Yeah. But that's our situation. That's our situation. You also mentioned something that it's not your preference to only be with women and not to have sex with men.

21:27 For me, that's a really big one, and I'm not, I don't wanna make your husband feel like you know he's the bad person because he is not. He is just wanting something different than you, but you're not, you're not good with that. I would. Express that to him. And again, if it means leaving the lifestyle because he's not on your side for it, then it is what it is and I know that you like it and it's, it makes you happy. But someone is making you do something you don't wanna do. Possibly. I mean, possibly. What if you said to him, Hey, I only want you to have oral sex. Only oral sex, only a and with woman I prove could only give you oral sex.

22:07 You cannot give it to her and only people that I want. He wouldn't like that. Yeah, it's very restraining now. I am, I'm Latina. I am very all about my man and whatever you want. Whatever you need really. I'm also an adult and I know when I have to stop doing that. So it kind of, you have to find that middle ground. Like, yeah, he's your man and yeah, you wanna make him happy, but this is your life too. Yeah, I know. Like this is your life too. Realistically, your feelings are just as valid as his, uh, you know, you have to. Be able to express both of your sides. Mm-hmm. 100% without judgment and be able to come to a compromise.

22:49 Now also hear this, you don't have to go very fast. No. You can go slow. You can take your time. You can have one experience a year. Work through the entire experience throughout the entire ye Yeah. You don't have to keep up with the Joneses and play twice a month or once a month or whatever. Uh, you, you think is the right way. You can play as often as once every couple of years. Mm-hmm. It's whatever you want. It's however y'all dictate this is your life and it's how. It's how you, you wanna swing. It's how you wanna make it out to be. You know what I mean? So if it's something that he struggles with and it's something that you guys really need to spend more time talking about, then take your time.

23:36 Mm-hmm. Talk about. Mm-hmm. You know, because all you got is time. You know, you, you sit down, you figure it out. It's better to figure it out before. Anything bad happens. Yeah. Rather than rush into something, have something bad happen and then have to do the cleanup talks Exactly. Afterwards. Exactly. Because that toothpaste is already out of the tube. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? You can't undo that. Yeah. So whatever's been done, you can't undo it. It goes slow. You can a little slower, a little slower. Um, little slower. So a lot of key points. One, talk about it. Bring it up in a conversation. Yeah, two. Don't be intoxicated when y'all are playing or when you're about to play, or even when you have this conversation because it's not, it's gonna blurry.

24:23 It's gonna blur those lines and you're not gonna, want to, it's gonna escalate the situation and not make it fun. Yeah. The lifestyle works better when it's a collaboration. Yes. Rather than having to ask for permission. Yes, yes. I love that. Don't ignore it. I wouldn't ignore it. You really need to come up and you need to make him understand, or both of y'all need to understand that y'all's feelings are both valid. Yeah. There's no if, ands, or buts, your feelings are valid. If you don't wanna do something you don't wanna do, you shouldn't have to do it. Consequences, whatever they may be afterwards. It is what it is. It's your relationship and it seems like you love him and it seems like y'all are having fun. But now I wanna have slow, I wanna have a, a quick pris and adam moment here.

25:07 'cause I was thinking about something because early on we've worked up to the freedom that I have now. This is not. Something that I had right away, being able to say the things that I can say and check out women in front of my wife and things like that, like this has been a thing. Now I can easily tell my wife and she finds it hot if I tell her, oh, I, I really want to fuck so-and-so. And I kind of paint that picture for her and she frigging loves it and she gets off to it. It's hot, but there's no way that that could have been the case. Years back. No. No way. So if you revert back to the Priscilla of that time when we first started, maybe year number two.

25:51 And I went up to you and I said, Hey you know, uh, so and so, that tick that you work with, he. I want to fuck her so fucking bad. What is your internal reaction? How are you feeling there? Not your external reaction, not, not how you're gonna react at me, because I already have an idea my blood is boiling inside of, but I wanna know, as you're hearing those words, what are you feeling in this motherfucker? Yeah. Yeah. My blood is boiling. Yeah. Yeah. And so as you're, you're feeling that, what would be your external reaction towards me? Yeah. No, no, sorry. Very reactive. No, no. That was then.

26:32 Now we're talking about, now if I go up to you and I say, Hey, you know your coworker's fucking hot, man. I tell you what, I had this daydream about her the other day, and I, I had to come to it like, yeah, I was just, let me tell you about it. What would be your internal reaction? Honestly. I'd probably laugh internally. Yeah. Be like, okay, whatever. And what would be your external reaction? That's good, baby. Keep it in your Spank bank. Yeah, man. Yeah. You see we've come a long way in the years that we've been in this, and that's, yeah. Really the point here is you guys are just starting out there. Is going to be uncomfortable times. Yes, we're gonna have uncomfortable conversations.

27:13 It is what it is. It doesn't mean that you're doing it wrong, it just means that you're trying to figure things out as a couple, that you love each other, you care about each other enough to put this extra time in to figure out how we're gonna do this together. Yes, and I think that's the biggest point of them all. Don't ever forget that your relationship is your priority. Mm-hmm. Okay. That's true. Now, before we wrap this up, we do wanna let you guys know what we have coming up first. We're hosting another live SDC webinar on February 22nd at 4:00 PM Central. So mark your calendars on that. The topic is finding and vetting couples from profiles to first meet.

27:54 Without the cr. Yeah. So if you're new, curious, or just tired of awkward lifestyle experiences, this one is for you. Yes. And we're also going to be at Club Eden in DFW this Saturday, January 31st. So if you're local, come say hi. Hang out and party with us for sure. And you can also catch us all the time on Full Swap radio.com streaming every Thursday at 2:00 PM and 7:00 PM Central. If you ever wanna share a story, ask a question, or get something off your chest, check out the Beyond Monogamy Confessional and, oh wait, beyond Monogamy Confessional on our website. It's hundred percent anonymous. Yeah, over at www.beyond-monogamy.com you can actually find every single episode guest bios, blogs that I write.

28:42 All our merch and all upcoming Beyond Monogamy events, everything literally lives there, sometimes even us. As always, whether you're swinging poly, monogamous, curious, or just trying to understand your own relationship better, we're really glad you are here. And with that, we will see you guys next week. Bye.