When Monogamy Becomes Monotony: Paul Keable of Ashley Madison Talks Desire, Discretion & the Future of Relationships

On this week’s episode of Beyond Monogamy with Adam & Pris, we sat down with Paul Keable, Chief Strategy Officer of Ashley Madison, to dig deep into the fascinating world of non-monogamy, intimacy, and discretion.
With more than 85 million members worldwide, Ashley Madison isn’t just the “married dating app” people think they know — it’s become a global hub where adults explore desire on their own term. And Paul, who has led conversations with academics, media, and members for over a decade, has a front-row seat to how relationships are evolving in 2025 and beyond.
🔥 Redefining Monogamy in a Modern World
Paul shared that a large part of his role is working with researchers who study why people step outside traditional boundaries. The findings are surprising:
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80% of women who join Ashley Madison report being in sexless or orgasm-less marriages — yet they often still love their partners and families, and don’t want to leav.
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Men, on the other hand, are often looking not just for sex, but for emotional validation. As Paul put it, “Men want to feel wanted.About 20% of members identify as “disclosed non-monogamous” — meaning their partners are aware, supportive, or even participatin.
The data challenges Hollywood stereotypes about cheating and reminds us that people’s reasons for seeking connection are nuanced, emotional, and deeply human.
🌎 Global Impact & Surprising Fun Facts
Ashley Madison is a true global brand. It’s been referenced in pop culture from The Simpsons to off-Broadway plays, and it thrives across cultures in unexpected ways:
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The only place Ashley Madison struggles? France — where infidelity is already culturally normalize.
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In many Latin American countries, the ratio of active women to active men on Ashley Madison is nearly 2-to-1, breaking the myth that “there are no women online.
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Famous member story: Bobby Goldman, aka “The Curvy Widow”, turned her Ashley Madison experiences into an off-Broadway play after rediscovering her sexuality in her 60.
💬 Breaking Down Lifestyle Myths
Paul echoed something Adam & Pris often emphasize on Beyond Monogamy: the lifestyle isn’t the free-for-all outsiders imagine. Some myths we tackled:
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Myth: Swingers and non-monogamous people never get jealous.
Truth: Jealousy happens — but communication is what makes it manageabl. -
Myth: Only men drive non-monogamy.
Truth: Research shows it’s often women who lead relationships into non-monogamous spaces, especially after age 3. -
Myth: Non-monogamy is just about sex.
Truth: For many, it’s more about community, intimacy, and honest connection than sheer physical encounter.
🛡️ Discretion, Privacy & Why It Matters
Unlike traditional dating apps where your face and details are front and center, Ashley Madison has built-in privacy features designed for people who need discretio:
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🔑 Private photo lockers with revocable keys
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📱 Stealth mode to hide the app on your phone
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💳 Billing practices that keep charges discreet
But most importantly? The community itself values privacy — not out of shame, but from the belief that “my desires are my business unless I choose to share the
📈 The Future of Relationships
Paul believes the next decade will bring a cultural shift:
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Younger generations are growing up in a hyper-digital world and craving privacy and discretion in how they explore intimacy.
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Non-monogamy will keep growing — not just as affairs, but as open relationships, polyamory, and lifestyle exploration.
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Society is finally catching up to what Ashley Madison users have known for years: monogamy isn’t the only default, and love can take many form.
Or as Paul put it: “I’m not here to sell non-monogamy. I think monogamy is beautiful. But I don’t think it should always be the default.”
🎧 Listen to the Full Conversation
This is just the tip of the iceberg. In the full episode, we cover everything from the infamous One Penis Policy (OPP) to how couples can improve communication in the bedroom, and why toys should never be seen as competition.
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