Non-Monogamy on Your Own Terms: Growth, Jealousy & Freedom with Evita Lavitaloca

Some episodes feel like a conversation.

Others feel like therapy — the kind you didn’t know you needed until you’re sitting there nodding, quietly whispering, “Oh… damn.”

This one? Yeah. This was that episode.

When Evita “Lavitaloca” Sawyers joined us on Beyond Monogamy, we weren’t trying to follow a script. We weren’t chasing labels. We weren’t even trying to “teach” anything.

We were just talking. Honestly. Messily. Authentically.

And what came out of that conversation was one of the most validating discussions we’ve ever had about non-monogamy.

“I evolved to this place,” Evita said early on — and that line alone set the tone for everything that followed.

Because here’s the truth no one likes to admit: most of us didn’t wake up one day fully emotionally prepared for non-monogamy. We stumbled into it. We tried things. We messed up. We learned the hard way.

Evita shared how her journey started with swinging, shifted into polyamory, and cracked open a whole emotional world she didn’t even know she had. Jealousy. Fear. Insecurity. Growth. Freedom.

And instead of pretending those emotions didn’t exist, she named them. Sat with them. Learned from them.

One of our favorite moments?

“Jealousy isn’t the problem,” she said. “Not knowing how to relate to it is.”

That hit hard.

Because jealousy gets villainized in non-monogamous spaces. Feel it and suddenly you’re “doing it wrong.” But what if jealousy is just information? A signal? A teacher?

We talked about how compersion isn’t a requirement. How indifference can be a valid milestone. How freedom doesn’t mean chaos — and how monogamy isn’t automatically safer just because it’s familiar.

One of the most powerful ideas Evita shared was treating non-monogamy like switching operating systems.

You don’t go from PC to Mac and magically know all the shortcuts.

You’re going to click the wrong things. You’re going to get frustrated. You’re going to want to throw the whole thing out the window at least once.

And that doesn’t mean you’re failing.

It means you’re learning.

This episode wasn’t about convincing anyone to be non-monogamous.

It was about permission.

Permission to move at your own pace. Permission to feel what you feel. Permission to choose freedom without shame. Permission to stop forcing yourself into labels that don’t fit.

If you’ve ever thought, “Why is this so hard for me when everyone else makes it look easy?” — you’re not broken.

You’re human.

And if you’re doing non-monogamy on your own damn terms?

You’re doing it right.