We Talked About Herpes on the Podcast. Pris Called It a "Death Sentence." Courtney Brame Changed Everything.

Alright. Real talk.

Not too long ago, Pris and I were brushing our teeth — glamorous, I know — and we started talking about herpes. Specifically, about how it comes up in the lifestyle. How people in our community deal with it. How it gets whispered about in group chats and avoided at play parties. And Pris said, with full sincerity: "If I ever got it, forget it. It would be the end of my life."

A death sentence. That's where she was at.

Now before you judge her, just know — that's where a lot of people are at. Including us, for most of our lives. Because that's exactly what we were taught. You'll see it. You'll smell it. It'll be obvious. And if you get it? Game over.

Spoiler alert: All of that is wrong. Like, wildly, embarrassingly wrong. And this episode is the correction we didn't know we needed.

Enter Courtney Brame

Courtney Brame was diagnosed with genital HSV-2 in 2013. He was 24, living at his grandmother's house in St. Louis, fresh out of college, and convinced his life had the same trajectory as every other dude from the Midwest — get married, have five kids, buy a house, two cars, the whole thing.

Then one Saturday morning, he pulled out his penis to pee and everything changed.

Instead of hiding from the diagnosis, Courtney eventually turned it into a movement. He founded Something Positive for Positive People (SPFPP) — a 501(c)3 nonprofit with a podcast that now has over 350 episodes, support groups for men and women, one-on-one peer support, yoga therapy, and ongoing research that has quite literally saved lives. His surveys show that 36% of people experience suicidal ideation after a herpes diagnosis. He decided that was unacceptable. So he built something to change it.

He's also a 500-hour certified yoga teacher, a co-author of a book on sex education, and one of the few men of color leading this conversation at a national level.

Yeah. He's a lot. In the best possible way.

Cold Sores Are Herpes. I'll Wait.

One of the biggest mic-drop moments in this episode comes early. Pris brings up how she's heard so many people say things like "I got it from my mom" about HSV-1, and how her little sister had fever blisters her whole childhood, and how none of it ever computed as "that's herpes."

And Courtney just lays it out flat:

"Who's gonna tell that kid? Growing up — 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 — you get to middle school, high school. 'Ew, you got herpes.' Kids are cruel."

He also explained something that genuinely broke my brain: HSV-1 and HSV-2 are not as separate as we think. Both viruses present the same way. Both are treated with the same medication. And you can have either type in either location. The idea that one is "the oral one" and one is "the genital one" is an oversimplification that doctors have perpetuated for years — sometimes diagnosing based on location alone without even running a swab.

Fun fact: According to the World Health Organization, roughly 3.7 billion people under age 50 — that's about 67% of the global population — have HSV-1. You know how many of them know it? Way fewer than that.

And here's the kicker Courtney dropped on us: One of the most common symptoms of an STI is no symptom at all. The whole "you'd see it, smell it, or they'd be in too much pain to want sex" logic that we were all sold in school? That was never true. That was just what got taught because no one wanted to deal with the awkward conversation.

The Lifestyle Has an Assumption Problem

There's this unspoken rule in the swinger community. It's never said out loud, but it floats around every play party like a vibe: Nobody here has anything.

We all kind of assume it. It makes logical sense. We're adults, we're responsible, we're sex-positive. Surely we've all been tested.

But Courtney puts it in a way that lands:

"Just because you're going to a play party doesn't mean you don't have an entire life outside of that."

And that's the thing. You could have done everything "right" at the last play party and still have contracted something from a Tuesday dentist appointment or a kiss from someone with a cold sore. The lifestyle community is incredible at talking openly about fantasies, kinks, and desires. We are not nearly as good at talking about the real, unsexy stuff.

This episode is the start of changing that.

How to Actually Have the Disclosure Conversation

One of the most practical parts of this episode is when Courtney just... shows us. Like, in real time, he walks through how he has the disclosure conversation. Not as a heavy, apocalyptic thing. As a normal, confident, matter-of-fact thing.

The setup: You're on a date. Things are going well. The check is coming. And you say:

"Before we get back and things get too hot and heavy — I care about my sexual health. I care about the sexual health of my partners. Are y'all good to talk about that now?"

Then, when they say yes:

"I was last tested Wednesday. Got results back this morning. I tested for chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, all the hepatitis, HIV — those came back negative. Herpes, I test positive for that. What about you?"

That's it. Clear. Confident. No shame spiral. No dramatic pause music. Just two adults treating sexual health like the normal, important topic it is.

Adam and I lost it a little bit listening to that. Because it's so obvious once you hear it done right. And yet somehow it still feels revolutionary.

You Are Not Your Diagnosis

The single best thing Courtney says in this entire episode — and there were a lot of contenders — is this:

"A circle has 360 degrees. Humans are whole people with at least 360 degrees to us. One of those is a herpes diagnosis. There are 359 other aspects of themselves that are not getting attention because all of their awareness is going to the fact that they have herpes."

This is the thing. This is the whole thing. When someone gets diagnosed, it doesn't replace everything they were 30 seconds before the news. It adds one degree to 360. The shame and the stigma make people collapse their entire identity into that one point — and Courtney's whole mission is to help people zoom back out.

He's not trying to make you "positive" about it, either. The name of his organization is a bit of a trick. Something Positive for Positive People isn't about toxic positivity — it's about getting people back to neutral. Back to baseline. Because most people start from a place of absolute devastation, and the lighthouse is just there to bring them in from the storm.

The Yoga Thing Is Real

Courtney is also a 500-hour certified yoga teacher and is working toward becoming a fully certified yoga therapist. And it's not incidental. When he got diagnosed, one of the three things he found that helped manage outbreaks was stress management. Yoga became his vehicle for that.

But it goes deeper than just "stretching helps." What yoga gave him was something Courtney describes as keeping his nervous system in a consistent parasympathetic state — the calm, regulated, rest-and-digest mode, rather than the fight-or-flight spiral that a herpes diagnosis can easily kick off. That regulated nervous system is what lets him talk about his diagnosis in a completely matter-of-fact way, with zero emotional charge.

Adam may or may not have described himself as "a chubby panda" who falls asleep during restorative yoga. That checks out.

What's Next for Courtney

Courtney and the SPFPP team are rolling out role play scenarios — actual recorded videos of what disclosure conversations look like in real life. Not just "here's how to do it" advice, but showing it. First dates, lifestyle conversations, navigating non-monogamy in the context of a positive diagnosis. It's exactly the kind of content the community has been missing.

They also have support groups running every Monday — separate groups for men and women, and an all-inclusive group on any fifth Monday of the month. Plus surveys, one-on-one peer support, and yoga therapy sessions.

Find everything at spfpp.org.

Go Listen to This One

Seriously. Whether you are HSV positive, whether you've been avoiding getting tested, whether you've been shaming others (or yourself) about something you didn't fully understand — this episode is for you. It's not preachy. It's not scary. It's just two people in the lifestyle sitting down with a man who knows more about this than pretty much anyone, letting it all hang out, and coming away genuinely better for it.

Pris no longer thinks it's a death sentence, by the way. Growth.

Listen to this episode and every other one at www.beyond-monogamy.com — episodes, video clips, blogs, events tab, and our 100% anonymous confessional. And if you haven't left us a review on Spotify or Apple Podcasts yet, now's the time. It literally helps other people find this content. That matters.