The Emotional Labor of the Lifestyle: Who's Really Doing the Work?

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Alright y'all, before we
dive in, a quick heads up.

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This show is raw, real, and
definitely not rated pg.

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We're talking about adult themes, sexual
content, and the kind of stuff you

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probably don't want blasting through your
speakers at work or around your kits.

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So grab some headphones, pour your
drink of choice and get comfy.

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Oh, and just so we're clear, we are not
licensed therapists, counselors, or sex.

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Couches.

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Sex coaches.

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Sex coaches,

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not sex couches

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or just a couple of people sharing our
lives, experiences and sexy adventures.

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An ethical non-monogamy.

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So with that, pull up a
chair and enjoy the show.

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And.

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Hello, and welcome to another
episode of Beyond Monogamy.

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I'm Adam.

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And I'm Pris.

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And on today's quickie, we're gonna be
talking about something that doesn't

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get enough airtime in the lifestyle
conversations, the emotional labor that

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goes into connecting with other couples.

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Who's doing the work and what
happens when it's not even.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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But before we get into it, if
you're new here, beyond Monogamy

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is your No BS home for real.

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Talk about swinging, ethical
non-monogamy and everything in between.

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Episodes, blog posts.

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Our events calendar, merch,
even an anonymous confessional

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over at www.beyond-monogamy.com.

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And if you're loving what we do, please
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on Spotify or Apple Podcast 'cause it
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It does.

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So anyways, let's get into it.

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All right.

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So when people think about swinging or
the lifestyle in general, they think

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about the fun parts, like the dates.

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Those connections.

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Those experiences.

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Yeah.

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Which I mean, yes,
obviously that's the point.

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Yeah.

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But what they don't always
see is everything that has

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to happen before any of that.

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The messaging.

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Yeah.

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The vetting.

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Oh yeah.

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The scheduling.

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Getting to know another couple well
enough to actually feel comfortable.

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Yeah.

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And.

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All of that takes time and energy,
which most of us don't have.

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And in a lot of couples
it doesn't fall equally.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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And that's what we want to talk
about today because it does, it

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just doesn't fall equally for us.

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And, and, and if it doesn't fall
equally for us, I like to think

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that there's a lot of us out there.

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Yeah.

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Um, so, in the realm of it all.

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What are we talking about?

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We're talking about messaging.

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Messaging.

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We're talking about vetting,
we're talking about scheduling,

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we're talking about the follow up.

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And

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oof, those are the hard parts,

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you know, when it, when it comes to us.

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Mm-hmm.

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Mm-hmm.

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I I'd say.

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In a theoretical conversation.

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So you talk about which couple,
which person and the couple,

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well, so say it's, yeah.

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So say you and I are
interested in another couple.

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Mm-hmm.

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And so, you know, we, first off, you and
I have discussed Oh, so and so, yeah.

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Uh.

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I think we may be interested.

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Let's, let's give it a shot.

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Let's figure out how we're gonna do this.

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Yeah.

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And so you and I will both talk
equally to figure out what we would do.

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Right.

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But with my anxiety, it would
normally be you who would most

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likely reach out initially.

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Yeah.

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Because I'm more of a,

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you're very straightforward, kind of

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straightforward.

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Yeah.

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So I would, I

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would be the one, and for me,
I, I, I would be less apt to

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throwing me the ball Yeah.

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To sink that, that game winning shot.

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Yeah.

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Because I,

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it's a very rare, not direct if, if
you've already like, talking to them

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Yeah.

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Or something, then I let you
kind of lead it from there.

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But then I take over the scheduling.

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Yeah.

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Well, so before the scheduling though.

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The messaging.

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So what I've noticed is, uh, a lot of
times, because most of the time that's

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what's done is, is through Messenger now.

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Yeah.

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You know, and

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you know, before that I do the vetting.

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You do.

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Um,

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so we meet and then I start vetting

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that has to happen.

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Or not

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even, we have

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to meet in person.

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And if I'm betting you I'm betting
you out online or something.

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No.

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Like, I'm gonna vet you there
first, before I even meet you.

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Yeah.

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So that's, that's the tough part,
is if you haven't had the chance

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to meet them in person, get their
vibes, if the messaging is happening

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before that, you are not into it.

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Yeah.

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And so it's usually me that will
carry the, the conversation.

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Yeah.

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With the other couple and normally.

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I've noticed most couples that we talk
to are not evenly dispersed either.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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And I'll end up talking a lot with one
person outta the couple who talks a lot.

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Hello?

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You're bestie.

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Yeah.

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Y'all have that good bromance?

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We do.

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And so y'all talk a lot in our
group chat and we kind of chime in.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Well,

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which is kind of, it's,
it's nice to be honest.

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It's,

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yeah, it, well, yeah, it's nice

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'
cause I have really bad a DH adhd.

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Yeah.

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And, and we can just keep going
and going all the way down.

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It really, the messaging and the
vetting kind of go side by side.

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Yeah.

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'cause we've been in a situation
where we've messaged first before

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actually meeting in person.

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Yeah.

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And getting those vibes.

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My wife has incredible intuition.

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And she can tell if a
person is not right for us.

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Yeah.

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Um, in immediately.

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Yeah.

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All she has to do is touch you.

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And sometimes even less than,
or you just look at your

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picture.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I don't know what it is and
I'm pretty spot on about it.

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Have you always had that?

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Yes, but I never paid attention to it.

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Really?

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Yeah.

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So about what age did you
start paying attention to it?

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I started paying attention to
it, paying probably around 10.

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Really?

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Yeah.

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Wow.

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Yeah, because, and probably a little
bit younger than that, so not to

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get too down and dirty, I learned
about my gut feeling and to go

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with it and ignored it many times.

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And the first time I can remember I did,
that was when, sorry, it's gonna get real.

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It's when I found the
first needle my dad used.

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Oh shit.

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That's when I was like.

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I knew there was something bad there.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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And I, somebody told me, and I remember
being on the toilet and something

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telling me, go to the, go to the cabinet.

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Mm-hmm.

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I didn't have to go in the cabinet.

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Yeah.

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And then I opened it and I got,
I saw the needle and I got it.

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And it could have poked a angel.

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Wow.

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She was so little.

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Yeah.

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And I remember that.

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And I remember going, I remember
telling my grandma, grandma's like,

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how did you know it was there?

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Mm-hmm.

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And I told her, and she was like, oh.

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Instinct.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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And so I've always, that set me,

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you know, it I've never,

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I've ignored it.

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It's funny 'cause since we've
gone, since we've gotten together.

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Yeah.

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Um, you've always been very
vocal about your vibes and this

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and that and, and like with us.

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Yeah.

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You know, you.

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You felt it when you first touched me.

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Yeah.

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You know,

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and I knew I was gonna marry you.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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And I mean, it, it, it was a thing and
I always called bullshit a lot on your

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intuition for several years and for
several years you were always right.

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And it just blew my mind.

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Yeah.

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And now I've learned to
trust your instincts.

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Yeah.

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And your intuition.

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More than anything in this lifestyle.

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And that's, that's big for me.

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So

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if you come at us with a picture that's
just like, and I can't see your face.

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You're, you can talk to him, but you're
not gonna grab my attention at all.

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And if I ask you to send me a video
of today that we're talking and

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say hi, Pris and Adam with today's
date, like verbally saying it.

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I won't pay attention.

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I am.

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So

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yeah, you'll be checked out.

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I will be so checked out and it's probably
super unfortunate on my end 'cause you're

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probably a really great person and I just
missed out because I didn't trust you.

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It happens.

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It happens.

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And I mean

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that's where you and

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I balance.

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It's sad.

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We've had like sexy girls,
sexy women do it and it's like.

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Sorry, homie.

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Yeah.

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You did not follow directions.

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Yeah.

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I can just imagine how this
is gonna come through, right.

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So, yeah, no, I really, I go with our
gut feeling, but audience, I do not vet

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the people that my husband talks to.

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Yeah, that's true.

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I do not vet now.

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I used to vet, uh, when we were Polly,
I would really like dig in and if

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we're talking to a couple and she's
more talkative, I vet immediately and

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Adam is super uncomfortable with it.

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He does not like it.

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It gets weird.

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It gets weird.

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It gets

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weird for me.

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Yeah.

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'
cause I'm super, like, I'm,
I'm like, as you're talking, I

265
00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:26,593
am Googling and let's do this.

266
00:09:26,653 --> 00:09:31,183
Um, and I also find out who your friends
are and I wanna know, because we have a

267
00:09:31,183 --> 00:09:33,283
lot of friends in the lifestyle, I'll ask.

268
00:09:33,583 --> 00:09:33,913
Yeah.

269
00:09:34,033 --> 00:09:35,563
I don't need to know if
you played with them.

270
00:09:35,743 --> 00:09:37,663
I just need to know what did you think?

271
00:09:38,473 --> 00:09:38,863
Yeah.

272
00:09:38,863 --> 00:09:41,203
And you know, I, I understand the.

273
00:09:41,863 --> 00:09:42,703
Paranoia?

274
00:09:43,213 --> 00:09:45,883
Well, I would call it more possessiveness.

275
00:09:45,888 --> 00:09:46,378
Possessiveness.

276
00:09:46,543 --> 00:09:46,933
Anything

277
00:09:46,933 --> 00:09:47,293
else?

278
00:09:47,293 --> 00:09:48,163
Controlling.

279
00:09:48,163 --> 00:09:52,753
That's a, I mean, they're
really toxic characteristics.

280
00:09:53,233 --> 00:09:53,713
But

281
00:09:54,213 --> 00:09:55,293
I, my husband knows about it.

282
00:09:55,293 --> 00:09:57,423
It's not like I'm doing
it, you know, I, he

283
00:09:57,423 --> 00:09:57,933
supports

284
00:09:57,933 --> 00:09:58,173
me

285
00:09:58,173 --> 00:10:00,423
and, you know, and you're not
doing it to be mean to anybody.

286
00:10:00,423 --> 00:10:01,953
So who's the toxic one really?

287
00:10:02,453 --> 00:10:04,118
You're just being protective really.

288
00:10:04,118 --> 00:10:04,178
Yeah.

289
00:10:04,418 --> 00:10:08,588
And you know, for any, any couple
out there who, I mean, they

290
00:10:08,588 --> 00:10:11,113
love their spouse, they're gonna
understand, you know, that's Yeah.

291
00:10:11,558 --> 00:10:12,938
That's understandable.

292
00:10:12,968 --> 00:10:13,238
Yeah.

293
00:10:13,243 --> 00:10:13,313
You know,

294
00:10:13,493 --> 00:10:13,723
so I

295
00:10:13,753 --> 00:10:15,098
let him, spouse let him do his thing.

296
00:10:15,398 --> 00:10:15,728
Yeah.

297
00:10:15,728 --> 00:10:16,598
I let him do his thing.

298
00:10:16,598 --> 00:10:18,218
I don't, I do not vet for you's.

299
00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:18,308
True.

300
00:10:18,578 --> 00:10:19,118
It's true.

301
00:10:19,448 --> 00:10:23,468
But also, I try to keep her in
mind whenever I make any decisions

302
00:10:23,558 --> 00:10:23,618
Yeah.

303
00:10:24,128 --> 00:10:24,758
That I make.

304
00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:25,598
So it all works

305
00:10:25,598 --> 00:10:25,808
out.

306
00:10:25,808 --> 00:10:27,268
I and the little.

307
00:10:27,688 --> 00:10:28,138
Angel.

308
00:10:28,138 --> 00:10:29,098
That's right.

309
00:10:30,088 --> 00:10:30,838
That's right.

310
00:10:30,868 --> 00:10:30,958
Mm-hmm.

311
00:10:31,528 --> 00:10:34,648
And you know, I mean, so we,
we both carry the weight when

312
00:10:34,648 --> 00:10:37,828
it comes to the beginning work.

313
00:10:38,308 --> 00:10:38,458
Yeah.

314
00:10:38,488 --> 00:10:41,668
Um, I think conversationally,
I carry a lot of it.

315
00:10:41,788 --> 00:10:41,968
Most

316
00:10:41,968 --> 00:10:43,108
definitely on messaging.

317
00:10:43,378 --> 00:10:43,618
Most

318
00:10:43,623 --> 00:10:43,743
definitely.

319
00:10:43,748 --> 00:10:45,278
But we always tell people all the time.

320
00:10:46,183 --> 00:10:46,993
In person.

321
00:10:46,993 --> 00:10:47,413
You're

322
00:10:47,503 --> 00:10:47,623
great.

323
00:10:47,623 --> 00:10:52,363
I talk too much like I,
and I am so intrusive.

324
00:10:53,263 --> 00:10:55,783
Like straight up, straight up people.

325
00:10:56,233 --> 00:10:56,908
I, that's true.

326
00:10:56,908 --> 00:11:02,203
Am the most intrusive, freaking
spicy Latina you will ever meet.

327
00:11:02,443 --> 00:11:06,043
Really I feel bad for people
who end up meeting with us.

328
00:11:06,043 --> 00:11:08,353
'cause we, we'll have people reach
out and they'll be like, I really

329
00:11:08,353 --> 00:11:09,343
wanna hang out with you guys.

330
00:11:09,343 --> 00:11:10,633
I wanna meet y'all for dinner, whatever.

331
00:11:11,053 --> 00:11:12,043
And then they do.

332
00:11:12,073 --> 00:11:12,913
And it's.

333
00:11:13,183 --> 00:11:15,223
We're basically interviewing them.

334
00:11:15,223 --> 00:11:15,283
Yeah.

335
00:11:15,283 --> 00:11:17,533
And I always have to apologize
and I'm like, I'm sorry.

336
00:11:17,533 --> 00:11:17,983
I know.

337
00:11:18,133 --> 00:11:19,603
It feels like we're interviewing you.

338
00:11:19,963 --> 00:11:20,053
I know.

339
00:11:20,053 --> 00:11:23,673
It's because we like people
and like seriously, we don't

340
00:11:23,673 --> 00:11:25,023
get to meet genuine people.

341
00:11:25,293 --> 00:11:25,623
Yeah.

342
00:11:25,623 --> 00:11:26,283
Most times

343
00:11:26,313 --> 00:11:28,713
we find certain, we
find people fascinating.

344
00:11:28,743 --> 00:11:28,953
Yeah.

345
00:11:28,953 --> 00:11:30,693
We like learning about, so
like we're asking if you're a

346
00:11:30,693 --> 00:11:32,713
parent, I, I, I wanna know like.

347
00:11:33,213 --> 00:11:34,413
What did you teach your kid?

348
00:11:34,413 --> 00:11:34,653
Like?

349
00:11:34,653 --> 00:11:36,453
I will be all up in there.

350
00:11:36,553 --> 00:11:36,883
Yeah.

351
00:11:36,883 --> 00:11:36,893
Yeah.

352
00:11:37,243 --> 00:11:40,993
Some people, uh, get weirded out by
it, but I think most, for the most

353
00:11:40,993 --> 00:11:44,773
part, enjoy having open conversations.

354
00:11:45,043 --> 00:11:45,103
Yeah.

355
00:11:45,103 --> 00:11:47,353
I don't even know your
social, your credit limit.

356
00:11:48,043 --> 00:11:48,283
We're

357
00:11:48,283 --> 00:11:48,553
good.

358
00:11:49,183 --> 00:11:50,323
Yeah, that's Sure.

359
00:11:50,323 --> 00:11:53,923
Unless you're gonna be my sugar daddy
or my sugar couple, then I definitely

360
00:11:53,923 --> 00:11:55,273
wanna know your credit score.

361
00:11:55,773 --> 00:12:00,740
Now I'm, I'm curious about what
your thoughts are on online

362
00:12:00,740 --> 00:12:02,960
versus in-person chemistry.

363
00:12:03,710 --> 00:12:07,560
Have you ever felt chemistry
with somebody in online?

364
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:09,510
The first people?

365
00:12:09,725 --> 00:12:10,015
Yeah.

366
00:12:10,020 --> 00:12:10,260
Yeah.

367
00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:11,040
Really?

368
00:12:11,145 --> 00:12:12,705
Our current besties.

369
00:12:12,705 --> 00:12:13,695
Yes.

370
00:12:13,815 --> 00:12:17,415
That was the, the first time that
you've ever had like instant online

371
00:12:17,415 --> 00:12:21,735
instant connection, instant online
connection, and instant online attraction.

372
00:12:21,915 --> 00:12:22,215
Yeah.

373
00:12:22,365 --> 00:12:22,875
And.

374
00:12:23,375 --> 00:12:28,345
Not like super sexual, not even
like that, just attraction and like,

375
00:12:28,405 --> 00:12:29,995
ooh, those are some good parents.

376
00:12:30,145 --> 00:12:30,985
Those are some good people.

377
00:12:30,985 --> 00:12:31,015
Oh,

378
00:12:31,550 --> 00:12:31,800
Yeah.

379
00:12:31,860 --> 00:12:33,270
And I don't know why.

380
00:12:33,810 --> 00:12:35,340
Mm-hmm.

381
00:12:35,580 --> 00:12:35,640
Yeah.

382
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:36,240
That's because I

383
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:36,510
don't,

384
00:12:36,510 --> 00:12:39,630
I never, I didn't expect it personally.

385
00:12:39,630 --> 00:12:45,720
I, I, I didn't expect you to,
to really get into vibing with

386
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,340
them until we met in person.

387
00:12:47,460 --> 00:12:47,820
Yeah.

388
00:12:47,870 --> 00:12:49,380
But you took to them really fast.

389
00:12:49,385 --> 00:12:49,485
I did.

390
00:12:49,985 --> 00:12:55,235
I was iffy, I guess, with anybody,
but it didn't last very long.

391
00:12:55,325 --> 00:12:55,565
Yeah.

392
00:12:55,715 --> 00:13:00,385
Like maybe a couple hours, like
seriously, and then I was like, oh my

393
00:13:00,385 --> 00:13:03,715
God, I am in love with these people.

394
00:13:04,405 --> 00:13:04,795
Yeah.

395
00:13:04,915 --> 00:13:10,920
Like they are just super genuine,
real life people and it's.

396
00:13:11,420 --> 00:13:12,140
Amazing.

397
00:13:12,290 --> 00:13:14,570
That's cool that that's the first
time that you ever had that.

398
00:13:14,570 --> 00:13:17,540
But that, so then anytime
before that you've never

399
00:13:17,745 --> 00:13:17,965
No.

400
00:13:18,105 --> 00:13:18,525
Really?

401
00:13:18,625 --> 00:13:19,045
Mm-hmm.

402
00:13:19,265 --> 00:13:21,080
Really no connection whatsoever?

403
00:13:21,170 --> 00:13:21,800
Uh, online?

404
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:23,030
No.

405
00:13:23,030 --> 00:13:23,040
No.

406
00:13:23,625 --> 00:13:24,315
Yeah, no.

407
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:28,840
And so, but in, in person
chemistry, does that tend to hit

408
00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:33,250
quick or is it one of those things
where it could take some time,

409
00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:33,980
For you?

410
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:35,885
So it's usually quick.

411
00:13:36,385 --> 00:13:39,835
But like, I'll know within
a couple of minutes.

412
00:13:40,255 --> 00:13:40,315
Yeah.

413
00:13:40,315 --> 00:13:41,265
If, if we're good.

414
00:13:41,765 --> 00:13:46,805
But if I'm doing for, to, for both
couple, like one individual, that's

415
00:13:46,805 --> 00:13:51,035
where it gets iffy because I may
like him more than I like her.

416
00:13:52,005 --> 00:13:54,105
And I have to give the time
because they're together.

417
00:13:54,555 --> 00:13:56,295
Or you know, or vice versa.

418
00:13:56,295 --> 00:13:58,005
So that takes a while.

419
00:13:58,005 --> 00:13:58,065
Yeah.

420
00:13:58,565 --> 00:13:59,345
I let them talk.

421
00:14:00,065 --> 00:14:00,485
Yeah.

422
00:14:00,665 --> 00:14:01,025
Yeah.

423
00:14:01,115 --> 00:14:04,895
I, you know, 'cause I, I,
I get, I get it right away.

424
00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:05,220
Yeah, yeah.

425
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:09,630
You you're, um, you just like people.

426
00:14:09,750 --> 00:14:10,200
I do

427
00:14:10,260 --> 00:14:11,310
You trust everybody.

428
00:14:11,310 --> 00:14:14,430
And I don't trust anybody, and
believe me, it's not something

429
00:14:14,430 --> 00:14:15,870
that we do not argue about.

430
00:14:16,530 --> 00:14:17,100
Yes.

431
00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:17,610
It

432
00:14:17,610 --> 00:14:18,030
comes up.

433
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:20,280
I'm super untrust.

434
00:14:20,310 --> 00:14:24,290
Like I just do not trust anybody and it's.

435
00:14:25,145 --> 00:14:28,865
It takes me a while and I'm
probably always gonna be like that.

436
00:14:28,865 --> 00:14:30,635
And he's not, and that's okay.

437
00:14:31,145 --> 00:14:31,295
We're

438
00:14:31,295 --> 00:14:31,535
just

439
00:14:31,535 --> 00:14:32,015
different,

440
00:14:32,020 --> 00:14:32,190
you know?

441
00:14:32,195 --> 00:14:32,285
Yeah.

442
00:14:32,285 --> 00:14:33,545
We balance each other.

443
00:14:33,545 --> 00:14:33,965
Um,

444
00:14:34,895 --> 00:14:38,405
how many of y'all are out there that
just are, I mean, you're opposites.

445
00:14:38,495 --> 00:14:38,555
Yeah.

446
00:14:38,555 --> 00:14:40,295
I mean, opposites attract.

447
00:14:40,475 --> 00:14:40,715
Yeah.

448
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:41,330
And, uh, I

449
00:14:41,330 --> 00:14:42,725
mean, we're totally opposite.

450
00:14:42,875 --> 00:14:43,175
Yeah.

451
00:14:43,175 --> 00:14:44,735
In that, in that area.

452
00:14:44,735 --> 00:14:45,905
We're just very different.

453
00:14:46,175 --> 00:14:46,235
Yeah.

454
00:14:47,105 --> 00:14:50,645
It's important to be able
to recognize that Yeah.

455
00:14:50,675 --> 00:14:52,175
And work with each other.

456
00:14:52,505 --> 00:14:52,775
Yeah.

457
00:14:52,780 --> 00:14:52,890
On it.

458
00:14:53,115 --> 00:14:54,285
I think we do a pretty good job.

459
00:14:54,555 --> 00:14:54,915
Yeah.

460
00:14:55,335 --> 00:14:58,895
So I'm usually the one who
usually says, like, it fills off

461
00:14:59,765 --> 00:15:00,065
Yeah.

462
00:15:00,215 --> 00:15:01,235
We're not doing this.

463
00:15:01,325 --> 00:15:01,625
Yeah.

464
00:15:01,625 --> 00:15:05,305
You So I, I totally trust, like you never

465
00:15:05,965 --> 00:15:06,835
ever get that feeling.

466
00:15:07,285 --> 00:15:08,995
I've gotten it a couple times.

467
00:15:09,235 --> 00:15:09,595
Yeah.

468
00:15:09,685 --> 00:15:12,355
And the couple of times that
I've gotten it, I've been right.

469
00:15:12,940 --> 00:15:13,300
But you

470
00:15:13,300 --> 00:15:15,425
wait long while, but
it's been very, very Yes.

471
00:15:15,940 --> 00:15:16,900
You take a while.

472
00:15:16,905 --> 00:15:17,265
Yeah, I do.

473
00:15:17,530 --> 00:15:17,860
Yeah, I do.

474
00:15:17,860 --> 00:15:19,660
I don't normally call it right away.

475
00:15:19,690 --> 00:15:19,870
Yeah.

476
00:15:19,870 --> 00:15:22,510
Like I can call it immediately people,

477
00:15:23,470 --> 00:15:25,180
I just feel like an asshole if I do.

478
00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:25,630
Yeah.

479
00:15:25,630 --> 00:15:28,170
I mean, I, I seem, seriously I'm a bitch.

480
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,030
I mean, yeah, but you're,
you're okay with that?

481
00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:30,300
Yeah.

482
00:15:30,300 --> 00:15:32,940
I don't wanna be an asshole in that way.

483
00:15:33,660 --> 00:15:33,870
No.

484
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:35,010
It's like.

485
00:15:35,510 --> 00:15:38,450
I've even done it to where if I
meet you and we're cool and we're

486
00:15:38,450 --> 00:15:42,530
vibing, even if we go play and I
don't feel the vibe, I'll tell you.

487
00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:44,390
Yeah, that's true.

488
00:15:44,420 --> 00:15:47,780
Because I believe in honesty
and transparency and you're

489
00:15:47,990 --> 00:15:48,695
probably gonna still come.

490
00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:53,540
We're still gonna interact, but
it doesn't have to be sexual

491
00:15:53,690 --> 00:15:54,860
if we've already tried it.

492
00:15:55,030 --> 00:15:55,420
Yeah.

493
00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:55,930
Yeah,

494
00:15:55,990 --> 00:15:56,140
yeah.

495
00:15:56,190 --> 00:16:01,210
I, I do rarely get, uh, that poor gut
feeling, but I have had it a couple

496
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:03,040
times and I have gone with it Good.

497
00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:04,540
And I trust it a bit more.

498
00:16:04,540 --> 00:16:04,660
That's

499
00:16:05,110 --> 00:16:05,200
good.

500
00:16:05,230 --> 00:16:08,800
But I don't get it very often
and I, I just think I, I see

501
00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:09,580
baby,

502
00:16:09,580 --> 00:16:10,660
I see a lot of good in people.

503
00:16:10,660 --> 00:16:14,080
You just stay that sweet,
beautiful man that you are.

504
00:16:14,580 --> 00:16:14,940
Okay.

505
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:16,440
You need the craziness to me.

506
00:16:16,500 --> 00:16:17,160
Yes, ma'am.

507
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:17,550
That's,

508
00:16:17,550 --> 00:16:18,240
that's how we do

509
00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:18,300
it.

510
00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:19,320
Yes.

511
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:19,410
Yes.

512
00:16:20,220 --> 00:16:20,760
Now,

513
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:23,090
um, let's see, where are we at here?

514
00:16:23,590 --> 00:16:24,060
Stay in the loop.

515
00:16:24,060 --> 00:16:26,950
Stay in the loop even when
you're not in the chat.

516
00:16:26,980 --> 00:16:27,070
Yes.

517
00:16:27,075 --> 00:16:27,155
Yes.

518
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:30,740
Is actually really a really good one.

519
00:16:30,830 --> 00:16:31,130
Yeah.

520
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:31,760
Uh, because.

521
00:16:32,260 --> 00:16:32,710
Do I?

522
00:16:32,890 --> 00:16:33,370
Yes.

523
00:16:33,430 --> 00:16:33,730
Okay.

524
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:34,270
Yeah,

525
00:16:34,540 --> 00:16:35,080
I can do that.

526
00:16:35,230 --> 00:16:35,560
Okay.

527
00:16:36,060 --> 00:16:39,260
So let's talk about staying in the loop.

528
00:16:40,010 --> 00:16:40,640
Oh, yeah.

529
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:40,700
You

530
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:40,790
like

531
00:16:40,790 --> 00:16:40,910
just

532
00:16:41,630 --> 00:16:42,650
poking at me.

533
00:16:42,650 --> 00:16:44,000
That group message

534
00:16:44,060 --> 00:16:44,300
that's,

535
00:16:44,540 --> 00:16:49,490
uh, is easy, but you know, when we
have the separate messaging Yeah.

536
00:16:49,490 --> 00:16:49,500
Um.

537
00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:53,580
Do you want to know, do you want
to stay in the loop on that?

538
00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:55,440
Do you like to be debriefed?

539
00:16:55,620 --> 00:16:56,040
Yes.

540
00:16:56,130 --> 00:16:57,510
With what's being talked about?

541
00:16:57,510 --> 00:16:57,600
Yes.

542
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:58,290
And stuff like that.

543
00:16:58,305 --> 00:16:58,545
I do

544
00:16:58,765 --> 00:16:58,985
now.

545
00:16:59,065 --> 00:17:02,130
I, I normally will tell you
when things turn sexual.

546
00:17:02,630 --> 00:17:03,320
For the most part.

547
00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:04,190
Yeah, no.

548
00:17:04,550 --> 00:17:04,790
Yeah,

549
00:17:05,060 --> 00:17:05,660
for the most part.

550
00:17:05,870 --> 00:17:06,200
Yeah.

551
00:17:06,650 --> 00:17:08,120
I mean, I brought it up recently.

552
00:17:08,125 --> 00:17:08,205
You,

553
00:17:08,425 --> 00:17:10,730
do you see how he has to correct himself

554
00:17:10,785 --> 00:17:12,705
for the, I brought it up recently.

555
00:17:12,735 --> 00:17:14,025
What did we just talk about?

556
00:17:14,505 --> 00:17:15,460
What Did we just have a whole

557
00:17:15,460 --> 00:17:15,900
discussion?

558
00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:18,605
I'm just saying, you know, I
brought it up recently, but

559
00:17:19,055 --> 00:17:21,185
previous to that I maybe, maybe

560
00:17:21,515 --> 00:17:21,785
Yes.

561
00:17:21,785 --> 00:17:23,135
Could have been better at it.

562
00:17:23,150 --> 00:17:23,370
Um,

563
00:17:23,870 --> 00:17:23,930
yeah.

564
00:17:23,980 --> 00:17:26,350
I'm a don't ask.

565
00:17:26,650 --> 00:17:28,330
Don't tell person.

566
00:17:28,390 --> 00:17:28,630
Yeah.

567
00:17:29,140 --> 00:17:33,860
And this is probably, this is, this is
where my jealousy and Territorialness

568
00:17:33,890 --> 00:17:40,010
comes in here because he's already
having a conversation with said person

569
00:17:40,490 --> 00:17:46,420
and it got sexual and yeah, they
may have talked about us all getting

570
00:17:46,420 --> 00:17:47,720
together and then it just turned him.

571
00:17:48,595 --> 00:17:50,695
Then after that I'm
like, I don't wanna know.

572
00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:55,455
Like if I read that and I get debriefed
on that, I'll be like yeah, nah, no.

573
00:17:55,665 --> 00:17:55,965
Yeah,

574
00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:59,295
because that's where my jealousy comes in.

575
00:18:00,255 --> 00:18:00,735
Is that right?

576
00:18:00,765 --> 00:18:01,095
Yeah.

577
00:18:01,095 --> 00:18:03,285
I mean, and what am I jealous about?

578
00:18:03,785 --> 00:18:04,575
What are you jealous about?

579
00:18:04,685 --> 00:18:04,775
I

580
00:18:04,775 --> 00:18:05,285
don't know.

581
00:18:06,155 --> 00:18:07,355
What's it to be jealous of?

582
00:18:07,445 --> 00:18:08,555
I have no idea.

583
00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:10,345
Got nothing to be jealous about.

584
00:18:10,845 --> 00:18:11,715
I really don't.

585
00:18:11,775 --> 00:18:12,645
And not something that.

586
00:18:13,145 --> 00:18:13,490
I don't know.

587
00:18:13,990 --> 00:18:14,440
I don't know.

588
00:18:14,770 --> 00:18:15,640
I can't answer that.

589
00:18:15,940 --> 00:18:16,810
Yeah, that's a tough one.

590
00:18:16,870 --> 00:18:21,790
It's just a feeling that I can shake
it for a while and ignore it, but

591
00:18:21,820 --> 00:18:23,230
it's still something that bothers me.

592
00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:25,750
Is it like a, a gut feeling?

593
00:18:26,470 --> 00:18:26,860
Um,

594
00:18:26,860 --> 00:18:29,260
like something is bad, something is wrong,

595
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,550
something I, you know, like Yeah.

596
00:18:32,580 --> 00:18:37,230
I mean, you know, if the conversation is
just y'all two bantering back and forth.

597
00:18:37,710 --> 00:18:40,710
Then it turns, Hey, yeah,
we should all get together.

598
00:18:41,210 --> 00:18:45,530
And then it just turns to just
y'all having that conversation.

599
00:18:45,770 --> 00:18:47,090
And nothing pursuing.

600
00:18:47,390 --> 00:18:51,770
And then after a while, since that got
hot and heavy, then you'll come to me and

601
00:18:51,770 --> 00:18:54,200
be like, Hey, so and so wants to meet.

602
00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:55,490
Oh, okay.

603
00:18:55,670 --> 00:18:57,020
How long have you been
talking to so and so?

604
00:18:57,380 --> 00:18:58,940
Oh, two months.

605
00:18:59,390 --> 00:18:59,870
Oh.

606
00:19:00,370 --> 00:19:01,960
How did the conversation go?

607
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,570
Mm, I already know 15 years.

608
00:19:04,630 --> 00:19:05,470
I don't even ask.

609
00:19:05,970 --> 00:19:07,680
I'm a don't ask, don't tell.

610
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:08,235
Yeah, yeah.

611
00:19:08,775 --> 00:19:11,895
If you feel like it's important
and you like seriously met

612
00:19:11,895 --> 00:19:14,115
them, you'll usually tell me.

613
00:19:14,535 --> 00:19:14,835
Yeah.

614
00:19:14,835 --> 00:19:15,620
I, it's a very

615
00:19:16,090 --> 00:19:16,380
rare,

616
00:19:16,380 --> 00:19:16,410
I always, I,

617
00:19:17,355 --> 00:19:21,435
I don't tell you about messages
that I don't see going anywhere.

618
00:19:21,495 --> 00:19:21,855
Yeah.

619
00:19:21,885 --> 00:19:22,845
So I'm real big on that.

620
00:19:22,845 --> 00:19:22,965
I mean,

621
00:19:22,965 --> 00:19:23,985
people talk is taught

622
00:19:23,985 --> 00:19:25,155
otherwise I would.

623
00:19:25,430 --> 00:19:29,110
Yeah, I would be telling you about this
message and that message and this message.

624
00:19:29,530 --> 00:19:32,110
Uh, and to me it's like, why
tell you about stuff that I

625
00:19:32,110 --> 00:19:33,760
don't think is gonna happen?

626
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:33,820
Yeah.

627
00:19:34,370 --> 00:19:38,180
Instead, I do tell you whenever there's
somebody that I'm interested in or

628
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:41,000
that it looks like something's gonna
get set up or something like that.

629
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:41,060
Yeah.

630
00:19:41,100 --> 00:19:42,685
Then I'll bring you in
on it and go, oh, yeah.

631
00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:46,070
'
cause I do have a say I do have
a say, people like, he's not

632
00:19:46,070 --> 00:19:49,730
gonna just pop up this couple and
be like, Hey, do you like them?

633
00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:50,450
Let's go.

634
00:19:50,510 --> 00:19:51,920
Or I like them, let's go.

635
00:19:52,310 --> 00:19:56,120
It's not, it's usually a
conversation we have, so,

636
00:19:56,245 --> 00:19:56,535
yeah.

637
00:19:57,260 --> 00:19:57,590
Yeah.

638
00:19:57,770 --> 00:19:58,190
But yeah.

639
00:19:59,090 --> 00:19:59,300
Yeah.

640
00:19:59,390 --> 00:19:59,700
I don't.

641
00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:02,180
I wanna know, I, I stay in the loop.

642
00:20:02,510 --> 00:20:04,730
But you know what I was
thinking too, in messaging?

643
00:20:04,910 --> 00:20:07,550
I don't ever, I kind of get
out of the conversation.

644
00:20:07,610 --> 00:20:08,900
Yeah, well you're,

645
00:20:08,905 --> 00:20:10,175
that's when you do a lot of the

646
00:20:10,175 --> 00:20:12,650
debrief, that's normally Yeah,
because I, I have an issue

647
00:20:12,650 --> 00:20:14,320
with holes in the conversation.

648
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:14,380
Yeah.

649
00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:18,490
I don't, I don't want people to get bored
with me, and so I just keep things going.

650
00:20:18,490 --> 00:20:19,455
So then I end up, you're so funny.

651
00:20:19,455 --> 00:20:20,890
End maintaining everybody.

652
00:20:21,430 --> 00:20:22,750
You do that naturally?

653
00:20:23,050 --> 00:20:24,160
Uh, I think I do.

654
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:24,430
Right?

655
00:20:24,730 --> 00:20:25,145
You do?

656
00:20:25,335 --> 00:20:25,625
Yeah.

657
00:20:25,905 --> 00:20:26,705
I don't know what's up with that.

658
00:20:26,865 --> 00:20:28,690
'
cause you like to hear yourself talk.

659
00:20:28,690 --> 00:20:29,740
Not really.

660
00:20:29,870 --> 00:20:30,590
It's not a bad thing.

661
00:20:30,590 --> 00:20:34,070
Well, I didn't before, but I'm
not gonna lie, I kind of do now.

662
00:20:34,460 --> 00:20:34,970
Yes, you have

663
00:20:34,970 --> 00:20:35,150
that voice.

664
00:20:35,730 --> 00:20:38,370
I'm not gonna lie, this is
gonna sound really horrible, but

665
00:20:38,910 --> 00:20:41,010
like I'll do content for TikTok

666
00:20:41,025 --> 00:20:43,180
Uhhuh and look at me when you say that.

667
00:20:43,245 --> 00:20:43,535
I'll,

668
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:45,670
I'll, uh, I'll rewatch it.

669
00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:46,610
Yeah,

670
00:20:46,610 --> 00:20:46,970
I'll read.

671
00:20:46,990 --> 00:20:48,145
Oh, you rewatched a lot of

672
00:20:48,145 --> 00:20:48,715
our videos though.

673
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:49,735
I rewatch a lot of our videos.

674
00:20:49,735 --> 00:20:50,065
Yeah,

675
00:20:50,125 --> 00:20:50,485
yeah, I

676
00:20:50,485 --> 00:20:50,665
do.

677
00:20:50,785 --> 00:20:52,105
Even the ones not on TikTok.

678
00:20:52,255 --> 00:20:53,530
Even the ones not on TikTok.

679
00:20:53,530 --> 00:20:53,770
Yeah.

680
00:20:53,770 --> 00:20:54,050
Yeah.

681
00:20:54,270 --> 00:20:54,890
You rewatched.

682
00:20:54,895 --> 00:20:55,975
I sent you a few today.

683
00:20:56,095 --> 00:20:56,815
Yeah, you did.

684
00:20:57,055 --> 00:20:57,355
Yeah.

685
00:20:57,415 --> 00:20:58,225
Easy there, chief.

686
00:20:58,315 --> 00:20:58,610
I did.

687
00:20:59,110 --> 00:20:59,770
Take it easy then

688
00:20:59,770 --> 00:21:00,670
I'm just saying,

689
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,200
yeah, you're gonna get worked up.

690
00:21:02,700 --> 00:21:04,500
That's talk about emotional labor.

691
00:21:04,500 --> 00:21:07,860
Look, here's the thing, emotional
labor in the lifestyle is real.

692
00:21:07,860 --> 00:21:09,630
It's often invisible.

693
00:21:09,940 --> 00:21:12,910
And it is 100% worth the
conversation with your partner.

694
00:21:12,970 --> 00:21:16,270
Now, the kind of questions that
you're gonna ask, who's doing what?

695
00:21:16,540 --> 00:21:20,110
Does it feel fair and are you
actually talking about it?

696
00:21:20,500 --> 00:21:20,800
Yeah.

697
00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:25,690
And even if your split looks nothing
like ours, maybe you are more of

698
00:21:25,690 --> 00:21:30,415
a. Team online, maybe one of you
handles a scheduling, whatever it is.

699
00:21:30,805 --> 00:21:34,315
The key is that it's intentional
and not just a default.

700
00:21:34,885 --> 00:21:35,725
Yeah, exactly.

701
00:21:36,115 --> 00:21:39,965
Don't let resentment sneak in
through the back door or something

702
00:21:39,965 --> 00:21:41,795
that you've never even discussed.

703
00:21:41,795 --> 00:21:41,975
All right?

704
00:21:41,975 --> 00:21:42,065
Mm-hmm.

705
00:21:42,305 --> 00:21:43,685
If this hit home for you.

706
00:21:44,435 --> 00:21:45,395
We want to hear about it.

707
00:21:45,395 --> 00:21:47,435
Drop a comment, shoot us a message.

708
00:21:47,435 --> 00:21:50,405
Tell us how your couple divides the labor.

709
00:21:50,405 --> 00:21:52,385
We'd love to hear it 'cause
we're always curious.

710
00:21:52,565 --> 00:21:56,375
Yeah, and if you want more conversations
like this one, you can find us

711
00:21:56,375 --> 00:22:00,335
at www do beyond monogamy.com.

712
00:22:00,785 --> 00:22:03,575
That's your one stop shop for
everything beyond Monogamy

713
00:22:03,635 --> 00:22:05,975
episodes, clip blogs, merch event.

714
00:22:06,215 --> 00:22:09,215
And yes, our anonymous confessional.

715
00:22:09,275 --> 00:22:10,955
You've got something to say.

716
00:22:11,705 --> 00:22:12,695
Take it off your chest.

717
00:22:13,235 --> 00:22:14,045
Come and tell us.

718
00:22:14,435 --> 00:22:14,795
Speaking

719
00:22:14,795 --> 00:22:16,145
of she moosa and cheese muscle.

720
00:22:16,205 --> 00:22:17,165
Speaking of chest.

721
00:22:17,855 --> 00:22:19,145
Oh, that's a, that's a
nice shirt you got there.

722
00:22:19,325 --> 00:22:19,565
Thank you.

723
00:22:19,955 --> 00:22:25,145
We were in Corpus this weekend
and they had the art walk.

724
00:22:25,300 --> 00:22:25,590
Yeah.

725
00:22:25,590 --> 00:22:26,190
Yeah, the art

726
00:22:26,190 --> 00:22:26,310
walk.

727
00:22:26,310 --> 00:22:29,825
We went to go visit our
friend AJ and Crystal.

728
00:22:29,825 --> 00:22:33,935
They're the owners of
Tacos, purple, ve right?

729
00:22:33,995 --> 00:22:34,505
Awesome.

730
00:22:34,955 --> 00:22:35,855
Delicious food.

731
00:22:35,855 --> 00:22:40,025
Guys, if you've are from
Corpus, go eat there.

732
00:22:40,535 --> 00:22:41,250
Anyway, we were there.

733
00:22:41,990 --> 00:22:43,310
I saw shirts.

734
00:22:43,490 --> 00:22:43,610
Yeah.

735
00:22:44,060 --> 00:22:45,710
And I said, I want a shirt.

736
00:22:45,890 --> 00:22:49,400
It, some of them said like,
this one says sex symbol.

737
00:22:49,670 --> 00:22:49,790
Yeah.

738
00:22:50,450 --> 00:22:53,495
And it's from Lovers only.

739
00:22:53,955 --> 00:22:54,385
Lovers only.

740
00:22:54,385 --> 00:22:58,050
That's L-V-R-S-O-N-L y.com.

741
00:22:58,260 --> 00:22:59,820
And they're on Instagram.

742
00:22:59,820 --> 00:23:02,580
So it's that little heart right there.

743
00:23:02,660 --> 00:23:03,470
I'm gonna tag them.

744
00:23:04,355 --> 00:23:05,255
Isn't this cute?

745
00:23:05,345 --> 00:23:06,335
Yeah, it looks really good,

746
00:23:06,395 --> 00:23:06,605
right?

747
00:23:06,605 --> 00:23:07,115
I tell you what.

748
00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:07,780
Can't fits good.

749
00:23:07,900 --> 00:23:09,005
I can't stop looking myself.

750
00:23:09,155 --> 00:23:09,845
Thanks baby.

751
00:23:09,845 --> 00:23:09,995
Yeah.

752
00:23:09,995 --> 00:23:10,745
You're such jihadi.

753
00:23:10,745 --> 00:23:10,895
Yeah.

754
00:23:10,895 --> 00:23:10,955
Ugh.

755
00:23:11,540 --> 00:23:11,980
I love you.

756
00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:13,620
Oh, man.

757
00:23:14,450 --> 00:23:15,065
Yeah, yeah.

758
00:23:15,095 --> 00:23:18,245
Speaking of uh, getting something
off your chest, you can also catch

759
00:23:18,245 --> 00:23:20,585
us live on full swap radio.com.

760
00:23:20,915 --> 00:23:24,005
We stream every Thursday at
2:00 PM and 7:00 PM Central.

761
00:23:24,155 --> 00:23:25,980
Come hang out with us in real time.

762
00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:31,100
While you're at it, like subscribe,
share this episode with a couple that you

763
00:23:31,220 --> 00:23:33,470
think needs to have this conversation.

764
00:23:33,650 --> 00:23:33,740
Mm-hmm.

765
00:23:34,220 --> 00:23:38,930
Reviews on Spotify and Apple
Podcasts mean the world to us and

766
00:23:38,990 --> 00:23:40,370
they help people find the show.

767
00:23:40,370 --> 00:23:41,990
So we would really appreciate that.

768
00:23:41,990 --> 00:23:42,890
You know, we're asking.

769
00:23:43,130 --> 00:23:44,540
We're asking, we will beg.

770
00:23:44,630 --> 00:23:45,590
We're not afraid.

771
00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:46,970
Please.

772
00:23:46,970 --> 00:23:48,710
Not afraid to beg at all.

773
00:23:49,700 --> 00:23:53,480
And with that, we thank you guys for
listening and we will see you next week.

774
00:23:53,510 --> 00:23:53,570
Bye.