Single Fellas in the Lifestyle: We Owe You an Apology (Kind Of)

Alright, let's do this. This week's episode hit differently, not just because I was fighting through strep throat the entire time — seriously, if I sound like a gravel-voiced frog for about 58 minutes, that's why — but because this is a topic that I've had on my list for a long time and never quite had the nerve to sit down and really dig into.

Single men in the lifestyle. The most discussed, most judged, most wrongly labeled group of people in the entire swinging community. I'm going in.

First Though — A Word About Messaging Married Men to Talk About Their Wives

I had to get this off my chest before we could even get to the main topic because it's been bugging me, and when something bugs me, you guys hear about it. That's the deal.

Here's what keeps happening: A woman reaches out to me. Says hello. Says I'm attractive, which, thank you, I appreciate that, truly. And then spends the next five to ten minutes telling me — in increasing detail — how incredible my wife is. How gorgeous she is. How lucky I am. How they would love to play with the both of us.

And I'm sitting there going: are you sure you want both of us? Because from the ratio of compliments in this conversation, you want like 90% Pris and maybe 10% whatever it is I'm bringing to this situation. Am I just the door you're knocking on to get to her?

Because the second I feel like I'm a stepping stone, I'm out. Not dramatic, not a whole production about it — I just quietly remove myself from the equation and let them have that conversation with Pris directly. And what I've noticed is that the moment I go quiet, they start hitting me up again because they're not getting her attention. And that right there, friends, is the problem.

Here's the thing. If you're genuinely interested in a couple, show interest in the couple. If you're interested in the wife and are hoping the husband just comes along for the ride, go message the wife directly. She's the one who can make things happen anyway — Pris answers women's messages and she does not answer men's. So you're literally going the long way around.

And please, for the love of all things sexy, do not tell someone's spouse that they are "so lucky" to have their partner. You think that's a compliment. It is not a compliment. What you're actually saying is that one person in this relationship is a prize and the other one just happened to grab the golden ticket. Hard pass.

Okay. I'm good. Let's move on.

The Single Guy Stigma — Where It Came From and Why It Stuck

When Pris and I first got into the lifestyle, we walked in with every preconceived notion you can imagine about single men. Every single one. We hadn't even interacted with any yet and we already had this whole story in our heads about how they were going to behave.

And honestly? Some of those early experiences did not help.

The guy who was messaging Pris nonstop with the "I can do it better than your husband" energy. The guys who tried to convince her that condoms weren't necessary — while already in the situation, by the way. Men from couples we were talking to who would reach out to Pris on the side, trying to make something happen without me knowing. And of course, the darker stuff — you hear stories in the lifestyle, and women have real reasons to be on guard.

One bad apple, or in our case, ten bad apples, spoiled the whole barrel. And we labeled an entire group of people based on those early experiences.

That wasn't fair. We know that now.

The Plot Twist: Married Men Are Actually Sneakier

Here's where it gets interesting, and Pris was actually the one who put this on the table first: after years of navigating the lifestyle, she would actually rather play with a single man than a married one.

I know. I know.

Her reasoning? Married men are the ones who slide into the DMs on the side. They're the ones whose wives don't know they're reaching out. They're the ones who don't listen, who push past what she's told them is okay, who create all kinds of drama that we then have to untangle.

The single guys she's built a rapport with over the years? She can tell them exactly what she does and doesn't want, and they actually listen. They don't have a second agenda. There's no one in the background getting upset about a conversation they weren't supposed to be having.

That said — and this is important — lumping all single men together as the problem and all married men as the safe bet is still wrong. The real breakdown isn't single versus married. It's respectful versus disrespectful. Those are the only two categories that matter.

The "Bull" Label: A One-Way Ticket to the No List

If you've spent any time in the lifestyle you know this term. And Pris has very clear feelings about it.

The moment someone refers to himself as a bull in an initial conversation with her, he's out. Not maybe out, not let's give him a shot out. Just out.

Her explanation makes total sense when you think about it: the bull label carries with it a very specific energy — aggressive, pornographic, all about performance and domination. And while there absolutely are couples who are specifically looking for that, assuming that applies everywhere and leading with it right out of the gate tells her everything she needs to know about how this person is going to behave in practice.

We've had bulls over. The energy didn't match the branding, if you know what I mean. Pris was not impressed. Moving on.

If you're a single man in the lifestyle, just be a guy. A cool, respectful, real guy. That is genuinely more attractive than any title you could put on yourself.

Red Flags and Green Flags: The Pris Vetting System

Since we're being helpful here, let me give you the actual breakdown of what gets someone on the good list versus the do-not-play list in our world.

Red flags: Calling yourself a bull. Being aggressive right out of the gate. Leading every message back to sex. Making it very clear within five minutes that you're thinking with the wrong part of your body. Trying to portray yourself as part of a couple when you're not — yes, this actually happens and no, it does not end well for anyone.

Green flags: Keeping the first conversation casual and real. Holding up your end of a conversation that has nothing to do with sex. Being courteous. Being able to make her laugh. Showing respect for me as her husband without being weird about it or overcorrecting. And honestly, just treating her like a person and not like a goal to be achieved.

The guys who have made it onto the short list of people we trust and genuinely enjoy spending time with have all had one thing in common: they came in like normal human beings, built something real, and let things happen naturally. Every single time.

Single Guys Have It Hard — And Nobody Talks About It Enough

Look, I want to be real about the structural stuff here too, because it's rough out there for single men and I think it deserves to be said out loud.

Want to go to a lifestyle club? You might pay significantly more at the door. You might not even get in on certain nights. Some nights are couples and single women only, full stop. House parties? You need to know somebody, and that somebody needs to vouch for you, and you need to not screw it up, because word travels fast in this community and it does not travel in your favor if you mess up.

So you pay more, you jump through more hoops, you get vetted harder, and then after all of that, there's zero guarantee that anyone is interested when you actually get there. And if you slip up even once in a community group, you're done.

I've had single guys reach out wanting to come on the show and I love them for it, I really do. But I'm not doing it, and here's why: I already know your story. I've lived adjacent to your story. I don't need you to come on and tell me about all the terrible experiences you've had — I am already advocating for you. The respectful ones. The patient ones. The guys who get it. You don't need a platform to be heard here. You've already got one.

The Double Standard Nobody Wants to Name

Single women — unicorns — don't carry the same negative label that single men do in this community. And there are single women out there who behave just as badly as the worst single guys. Touching husbands without consent. Being aggressive in ways that would be called out immediately if a man did it. Creating their own version of chaos.

But because the unicorn label comes with this whole mythology of being precious and rare, the bad behavior slides a lot more. That's a double standard and we need to be honest about it.

Pris has dealt with unicorns who needed to be put firmly back in check. More than once. We are equal opportunity in our expectations around here.

You're the Toy. That's Not an Insult.

If you're a single guy coming into a couple's situation, here's a mindset check that I genuinely think will serve you: you are not the star of this show. You are not the headliner. You are the incredibly appreciated, hopefully respectful, hopefully patient guest experience.

The woman is the star. She is who this is for. We — me and you both, brother — are there for her pleasure. And when you fully embrace that instead of fighting it or trying to assert yourself over it, everything goes better. For everyone.

That doesn't mean you lose your identity at the door or that your boundaries don't matter. They do. Don't compromise what you actually want just because the situation is exciting. Say what you're comfortable with, say what you're not, and let things go from there. A good couple will respect that. If they don't, that's your sign to walk.

The Confidence Thing Nobody Teaches You

Pris made a point in this episode that I think is one of the most useful things we've said out loud in a long time: desperation has a scent. And people can smell it.

When you're willing to do anything, agree to anything, compromise anything just to make something happen — it shows. In your messages, in your energy, in your face when you're standing across from someone at a party. And it doesn't make you more appealing. It does the opposite.

I had my own version of this. When we stepped back from poly and came back to just the sexual side of the lifestyle, I made a decision — consciously — that I was going to stop being desperate about any of it. If something was wrong, I was going to walk away. If a situation didn't feel right, I was going to say no. And the moment I did that, the quality of what showed up changed completely.

Quality over quantity. It sounds like a poster in a guidance counselor's office but it actually works.

So Here's Where We Land

Single guys in the lifestyle are not the problem. Disrespectful people in the lifestyle are the problem. And they come in every flavor — single, married, male, female, couple, unicorn, all of it. The label on the box doesn't tell you what's inside.

If you are a single man who operates from a place of genuine respect, who listens, who follows through on what someone tells him, who acknowledges the husband as much as the wife, who shows up like a real person and not a porn character — we see you. We appreciate you. And we've been lucky enough to have a few of you in our lives, some of whom still check in to this day.

That's who we're talking to when we say: keep going. It's worth it.

Find everything Beyond Monogamy at www.beyond-monogamy.com — episodes, blog posts, merch, our anonymous Confessional, and the events tab. Texas Desires Hotel Takeover is April 11th and there are still a few rooms left — day passes are gone but if you want a room, move fast. We're doing a live show from the hotel and we would love to see you there.

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— Adam