Unfair Swinger Rules: The Boundaries That Break Couples

Some rules look cute on paper.
And then you live them… and suddenly you’re irritated, confused, or quietly resentful.

Welcome to our Wednesday Quickie episode where Pris and I talk about unfair rules in swinging — the ones couples swear are about “boundaries” but are often just fear wearing a trench coat.

This episode came from real conversations we’ve had with couples, listeners, and honestly… ourselves.

Because yes — even us. Even after years in the lifestyle. We’ve had rules that were absolutely unfair.

“These are the rules that look real cute when you first say them out loud.”

And then three weeks later you’re asking yourself, “Why am I irritated?”

No Feelings Allowed (LOL)

Let’s start with the most common rule we hear:

“No feelings.”

Cool. Sounds simple. Except feelings are… human.

You can’t control them. You can’t shut them off. And pretending they don’t exist doesn’t make them disappear — it just makes them leak out sideways as resentment, stress, or emotional distance.

“If you bury it deep down and pretend it’s not a thing, that’s how resentment happens.”

We talk openly about how feelings show up differently for different people — and why honesty matters more than pretending you’re immune to emotional connection.

Approval vs Inclusion

This one is sneaky.

Some couples don’t want “approval” — they want to be included. They want respect, transparency, and communication.

But here’s where it gets tricky…

When inclusion quietly turns into control.

“Approval feels like ownership.”

If one partner’s discomfort automatically shuts down the other’s autonomy, that’s not communication — that’s imbalance.

And yes, we openly admit: we’ve had rules like this too.

You Can Do This, I Can’t

Ah yes. The double standard.

One partner gets freedom. The other gets restrictions.

Whether it’s the infamous one-penis policy, gender-based limitations, or selective freedom disguised as “comfort,” these rules almost always breed resentment.

“You don’t own your partner. I don’t own his penis. He doesn’t own my vagina.”

Simple. Honest. Uncomfortable for some. Necessary for growth.

No Single Guys (But Single Women Are Fine)

This rule comes up a lot — and we break down why.

Trauma, bad experiences, ego, insecurity… all of it plays a role.

But when one gender is automatically excluded while the other is celebrated, it’s worth asking why.

“That’s why that rule isn’t fair.”

Don’t Talk About It After

This one? Dangerous.

Avoiding post-play conversations doesn’t protect feelings — it buries them.

And buried feelings don’t stay buried.

“If you don’t want the answers, don’t ask the questions.”

We talk about jealousy, curiosity, picking fights, and learning how to communicate honestly without self-sabotage.

Same Room Only Forever

This rule often comes from fear — not desire.

Fear of trust. Fear of boundaries. Fear of “what if.”

It’s not wrong to start there. It is wrong to never revisit it.

“These are training wheels — not a permanent solution.”

The Takeaway

Rules aren’t bad.

Unexamined rules are.

If a rule is causing tension, resentment, or emotional shutdown, it’s not protecting your relationship — it’s asking for a conversation.

Growth in the lifestyle means revisiting boundaries, not freezing them forever.

If this episode made you uncomfortable… good.

That’s where the real work starts.

Want to share your story?
Submit a 100% anonymous Beyond Monogamy Confessional at www.beyond-monogamy.com.

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