One-Sided Rules in the Swinger Lifestyle: Insecurity, Control & Communication

Sometimes the hardest part of the swinger lifestyle isn’t jealousy.

It’s silence.

In this Quickie Confessional episode of Beyond Monogamy, we read a listener message that made both of us pause, look at each other, and say, “Yeah… we’ve lived some version of this.”

The message was about one-sided rules. Not boundaries. Not agreements. Rules.

Rules that came from fear. Rules that were agreed to out of love. Rules that quietly started costing someone their autonomy.

“I go along with it to make him happy.”

That sentence? That’s the red flag. Not because it makes anyone a villain—but because it usually means someone is slowly disappearing.

We talk a lot on the show about how the lifestyle is supposed to feel freeing. But when one partner holds all the veto power and the other is just trying not to lose everything, that freedom turns into pressure real fast.

One of the biggest myths we address in this episode is the idea that jealousy means you’re doing something wrong. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.

Jealousy is information.

Pris shared what it was like in the early days watching Adam with other women—how every sound, every movement, every reaction turned into a comparison spiral. She didn’t want to control him. She wanted to protect herself.

“What is she doing that I’m not?”

That question shows up in almost every new lifestyle couple at some point. Especially when alcohol, nerves, and new experiences collide.

We also talk about why watching can sometimes be harder than participating. When you’re sitting on the sidelines, your brain fills in the blanks—and it usually doesn’t do you any favors.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: rules don’t actually fix insecurity. Communication does.

That doesn’t mean oversharing once. It means over-communicating until it feels ridiculous. Scheduling the talk. Having it sober. Having it again. And then probably having it one more time.

Another key takeaway from this episode? You don’t have to rush.

The lifestyle isn’t a race. You don’t get bonus points for playing more often. You’re allowed to slow down, take breaks, focus on parallel play, or even step back entirely while you figure things out.

And yes—we say it out loud: sometimes loving the lifestyle isn’t enough if it costs you your voice.

One of our favorite moments in the episode was reflecting on how far we’ve come as a couple. Things that would’ve blown us up years ago now feel playful, safe, and even sexy. But that growth didn’t happen overnight.

It happened because our relationship always came first.

If this episode stirred something up for you—good. That means you’re paying attention.

And if you’ve got something you need to get off your chest, the Beyond Monogamy Confessional is always open and 100% anonymous at www.beyond-monogamy.com.

Hard conversations don’t mean you’re failing.

They usually mean you’re doing the work.