The Illusion of 'No Expectations' in Ethical Non-Monogamy

Many people entering the world of ethical non-monogamy (ENM) proudly proclaim they have "no expectations." It sounds freeing, doesn't it? A clean slate, an open mind, a radical embrace of the unknown. But is it truly possible, or even desirable, to enter into any relationship, especially one as complex as an ethically non-monogamous one, with absolutely no expectations? This blog post dives deep into the hidden expectations we all carry, how they impact our experiences in the lifestyle, and how we can manage them for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

This topic is something Adam and Pris explore in detail in the latest episode of the Beyond Monogamy podcast, QUICKIE: The Great Expectations. They discuss the pitfalls of clinging to unrealistic fantasies and offer practical advice for navigating the complexities of ENM with greater awareness and flexibility.

Introduction: The Myth of 'No Expectations'

The phrase "no expectations" is often used as a shield, a way to protect ourselves from potential disappointment. We tell ourselves and others that we're just going with the flow, open to anything, and not attached to any particular outcome. In theory, this sounds ideal. It suggests a level of emotional maturity and detachment that many strive for. However, the reality is that we are all wired with expectations, whether we consciously acknowledge them or not. These expectations are shaped by our past experiences, societal norms, cultural conditioning, and personal desires. To claim we have none is, in essence, to deny a fundamental part of our human experience.

Think about it: when you agree to a date, even a casual one, you likely have some underlying expectations. You might expect the person to be on time, to be respectful, to engage in conversation, or even just to find them physically attractive. These aren't necessarily demands, but they are implicit assumptions that guide your behavior and influence your perception of the interaction. In the context of ENM, these expectations can become even more complex. You might expect your partner to be honest about their activities, to prioritize your emotional well-being, or to practice safe sex. These expectations are not inherently bad; in fact, many are essential for maintaining trust and ensuring responsible behavior. The problem arises when these expectations are unrealistic, uncommunicated, or rigidly held.

Why We Cling to Expectations in Ethical Non-Monogamy

So, why do we cling to expectations, even when we know they can lead to disappointment? The answer lies in our innate need for control and predictability. Expectations provide a sense of security in an often chaotic world. They allow us to anticipate future events and plan accordingly. When our expectations are met, we feel validated and secure. When they are not, we experience feelings of disappointment, frustration, or even betrayal.

In the context of ENM, the desire for control can be particularly strong. The lifestyle inherently involves a degree of uncertainty and vulnerability. You are essentially opening up your relationship to external influences, which can be scary. Expectations, in this case, can serve as a way to manage this uncertainty and maintain a sense of stability. For example, someone might expect their partner to only engage in casual encounters, or to always disclose details about their other relationships. These expectations might stem from a fear of losing their partner, a desire to maintain control over the relationship dynamic, or a need to feel secure in their position within the relationship.

Another reason we cling to expectations is that they are often tied to our self-worth. We might believe that if our partner doesn't meet our expectations, it means we are not good enough, not desirable enough, or not worthy of love. This can lead to a cycle of self-doubt and insecurity, which can further fuel the need for control and expectations. It’s important to recognize these underlying emotions and address them directly, rather than relying on external validation to feel secure.

Unrealistic Expectations: The Vibe Killers

Not all expectations are created equal. While some are reasonable and necessary for healthy relationships, others are unrealistic and can be downright detrimental. Unrealistic expectations are those that are based on fantasy, idealization, or a lack of understanding about the realities of ENM. They often set the stage for disappointment, resentment, and conflict.

One common unrealistic expectation is that every encounter will be magical and fulfilling. This is particularly prevalent in the swinging scene, where people often enter clubs and events with the hope of finding the perfect connection. While it's certainly possible to have amazing experiences, the reality is that not every interaction will be fireworks. Sometimes, you'll just meet people you don't click with, or have experiences that are less than stellar. Expecting every encounter to be mind-blowing sets you up for disappointment and can even kill the vibe before the night even starts.

Another unrealistic expectation is that your partner will always prioritize your needs and desires above their own. While it's important to be considerate of each other's feelings, it's not realistic to expect your partner to always put your needs first. Everyone has their own needs and desires, and it's important to respect those, even if they don't always align with your own. This is where communication and compromise become essential.

Attraction vs. Organic Connection: Letting Chemistry Lead

In the world of ENM, it's easy to get caught up in the pursuit of novelty and excitement. We might find ourselves drawn to people based solely on physical attraction, without taking the time to cultivate a genuine connection. While physical attraction is certainly important, it's not the only ingredient for a fulfilling relationship. A deep and meaningful connection requires emotional intimacy, shared values, and mutual respect.

One of the keys to navigating ENM successfully is to let chemistry lead. This means allowing yourself to be drawn to people organically, without forcing a connection or setting unrealistic expectations. Instead of focusing on ticking off boxes on a checklist, focus on getting to know the person on a deeper level. Ask yourself if you enjoy their company, if you share similar values, and if you feel comfortable being vulnerable with them. If the chemistry is there, great. If not, that's okay too. Don't try to force a connection that isn't there, as it will likely lead to disappointment and frustration.

Emotional Intelligence: Your Lifestyle Superpower

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to understand and manage your own emotions, as well as the emotions of others. It's a crucial skill for navigating any relationship, but it's particularly important in the context of ENM. The lifestyle can be emotionally challenging, requiring you to navigate complex feelings such as jealousy, insecurity, and fear. Developing your EQ can help you to manage these emotions in a healthy way and communicate them effectively to your partner.

One of the key components of EQ is self-awareness. This means being able to recognize your own emotions and understand how they impact your behavior. When you're aware of your emotions, you can make more conscious choices about how you respond to situations. For example, if you're feeling jealous, you can recognize that feeling and address it directly, rather than lashing out at your partner.

Another important aspect of EQ is empathy. This is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. When you're empathetic, you can better understand your partner's perspective and respond to their needs in a compassionate way. This can help to build trust and intimacy in your relationship.

Releasing Insecurities and Caring Less

Insecurities are a common challenge in ENM. It's natural to feel insecure when your partner is dating other people. You might worry that they'll find someone better, that they'll stop loving you, or that you'll be replaced. However, allowing these insecurities to control your behavior can be detrimental to your relationship.

One of the keys to overcoming insecurities is to release the need to control everything. Accept that you can't control your partner's feelings or actions, and that's okay. Focus on building a strong and secure connection with your partner, based on trust, communication, and mutual respect. Remind yourself of your own worth and value, and don't rely on external validation to feel secure.

Another helpful strategy is to "care less" about what other people think. In the world of ENM, there can be a lot of judgment and pressure to conform to certain expectations. It's important to remember that you don't have to please everyone. Focus on creating a relationship dynamic that works for you and your partner, and don't worry about what others might think.

The Pressure to 'Perform' and Honest Communication

The pressure to "perform" can be a significant challenge in ENM, particularly in the context of sexual encounters. Men, in particular, may feel pressure to satisfy their partners and meet certain expectations. This pressure can lead to anxiety and performance issues, which can further fuel insecurities. It's important to remember that sex is not a performance, and that it's okay to have off days. Communication is key here. If you're feeling anxious or insecure, talk to your partner about it. Be honest about your feelings and needs, and encourage your partner to do the same. Open and honest communication can help to alleviate pressure and create a more relaxed and enjoyable experience for both of you.

Respect, Boundaries, and Partner Expectations

Respect and boundaries are essential for any healthy relationship, but they are particularly important in ENM. It's crucial to establish clear boundaries with your partner and to respect their boundaries in return. Boundaries can include anything from what types of sexual activities are acceptable to how much information you share about your other relationships.

It's also important to be aware of your partner's expectations. What do they expect from you in terms of communication, disclosure, and emotional support? Are their expectations reasonable and realistic? If not, it's important to have an open and honest conversation about them. Remember, expectations are not inherently bad, but they need to be communicated and negotiated in a way that works for both of you.

Practical Perspective: Flexibility Over Frustration

Ultimately, the key to navigating expectations in ENM is to adopt a flexible mindset. Instead of clinging rigidly to your expectations, be willing to adjust them as needed. Accept that things won't always go as planned, and that's okay. Focus on being present in the moment and enjoying the journey, rather than fixating on the outcome.

When faced with disappointment or frustration, take a step back and ask yourself what's really important. Are you willing to let go of your expectations in order to maintain a healthy and fulfilling relationship? If so, embrace flexibility and allow yourself to be surprised by the possibilities.

Conclusion: Embracing Expectations with Awareness

The illusion of "no expectations" is just that – an illusion. We all have expectations, whether we realize it or not. The key is to become aware of these expectations, to examine them critically, and to communicate them effectively to our partners. By embracing expectations with awareness, we can navigate the complexities of ethical non-monogamy with greater clarity, compassion, and ultimately, fulfillment.

As Adam and Pris discuss in their episode, QUICKIE: The Great Expectations, flexibility, communication, and emotional intelligence are your greatest assets in this journey. So, ditch the myth of "no expectations" and embrace the reality of conscious, intentional relationship building.