Ms. Nookie on Making Consent Sexy & Dating Without Losing Your Damn Mind

1
00:00:07,184 --> 00:00:10,664
Alright y'all, before we
dive in, a quick heads up.

2
00:00:11,954 --> 00:00:14,924
This show is raw, real, and
definitely not rated pg.

3
00:00:15,734 --> 00:00:20,474
We're talking about adult themes, sexual
content, and the kind of stuff you

4
00:00:20,474 --> 00:00:24,824
probably don't want blasting through your
speakers at work or around your kits.

5
00:00:25,424 --> 00:00:29,294
So grab some headphones, pour your
drink of choice and get comfy.

6
00:00:29,594 --> 00:00:35,804
Oh, and just so we're clear, we are not
licensed therapists, counselors, or sex.

7
00:00:36,224 --> 00:00:37,034
Couches.

8
00:00:37,694 --> 00:00:38,954
Sex coaches.

9
00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:41,174
Sex coaches, not sex couches

10
00:00:43,004 --> 00:00:47,264
or just a couple of people sharing our
lives, experiences and sexy adventures.

11
00:00:47,354 --> 00:00:49,244
An ethical non-monogamy.

12
00:00:49,514 --> 00:00:54,464
So with that, pull up a
chair and enjoy the show.

13
00:00:54,545 --> 00:00:57,005
Hello and welcome to another
episode of Beyond Monogamy.

14
00:00:57,155 --> 00:00:58,355
I'm Adam, and I'm Press.

15
00:00:58,835 --> 00:01:02,405
And tonight we've got somebody
joining us who doesn't just talk

16
00:01:02,405 --> 00:01:03,515
about love and communication.

17
00:01:03,515 --> 00:01:05,795
She actually teaches
people how to master it.

18
00:01:06,245 --> 00:01:10,355
We're talking about the one and
only Ms. Nookie, creator of the

19
00:01:10,355 --> 00:01:14,325
Love Mastery Institute and the
brilliant Mind behind Nookie Notes.

20
00:01:14,735 --> 00:01:18,995
Now, if you haven't heard of them, the
Love Mastery Institute is all about giving

21
00:01:18,995 --> 00:01:21,605
people the tools to better connections.

22
00:01:22,085 --> 00:01:26,095
Practice real con consent and
communicate in ways that make your

23
00:01:26,095 --> 00:01:30,415
relationships and your sex life feel
more fulfilling and not more complicated.

24
00:01:31,165 --> 00:01:34,795
And Nookie notes, well, think of them
like flirty little conversation cards

25
00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:39,075
for grownups designed to help couples
and relationship constellations talk

26
00:01:39,465 --> 00:01:43,155
about sex boundaries, aftercare, and
everything in between without that

27
00:01:43,155 --> 00:01:45,255
awkward pressure and therapist vibe.

28
00:01:45,675 --> 00:01:46,425
Absolutely.

29
00:01:46,425 --> 00:01:51,135
So if you've ever wanted to know how to
make consent sound sexy, how to reconnect

30
00:01:51,195 --> 00:01:55,815
after conflict without the weird tension
or how to build emotional safety, even

31
00:01:55,815 --> 00:01:59,655
when your relationships get complex,
grab your coffee, your cocktail, or your

32
00:01:59,655 --> 00:02:03,675
partner and settle in because this one's
going to be full of those light bulb

33
00:02:03,675 --> 00:02:05,595
moments that'll change how you talk.

34
00:02:05,655 --> 00:02:06,015
Yeah.

35
00:02:06,015 --> 00:02:07,605
We are so excited for this one.

36
00:02:07,605 --> 00:02:10,275
Ms. Nookie has this incredible
way of mixing knowledge, humor,

37
00:02:10,275 --> 00:02:14,505
and straight up practical tools
that you can use the same night.

38
00:02:14,595 --> 00:02:16,815
So let's welcome Ms. Nookie to the show.

39
00:02:16,815 --> 00:02:18,390
Welcome to Welcome.

40
00:02:18,890 --> 00:02:19,110
I'm

41
00:02:19,305 --> 00:02:20,685
so excited to be here.

42
00:02:20,685 --> 00:02:21,555
Thank you Adam.

43
00:02:21,555 --> 00:02:22,525
And thank you Pris.

44
00:02:22,545 --> 00:02:23,925
I'm so excited.

45
00:02:23,925 --> 00:02:27,045
Beyond Monogamy, you
guys are simply amazing.

46
00:02:27,165 --> 00:02:27,560
Oh we

47
00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:28,430
are very happy to have you.

48
00:02:28,430 --> 00:02:29,690
It's going to be fun.

49
00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:30,020
Yeah.

50
00:02:30,140 --> 00:02:30,500
Yes.

51
00:02:30,595 --> 00:02:34,550
It's so, so to, to all of our listeners
out there, you know, obviously if you

52
00:02:34,550 --> 00:02:41,780
didn't catch it in the long-winded intro
she teaches dating and consent and all

53
00:02:41,780 --> 00:02:46,550
that good stuff that I don't know how
many of us need to really know about.

54
00:02:46,790 --> 00:02:47,375
Yes, yes, yes.

55
00:02:47,510 --> 00:02:51,120
Uh, and so we're gonna, we're gonna
really get into this because I'm

56
00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:52,500
just curious all about you now.

57
00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:56,390
I'm I, I'd like to start out,
how did you get here, Ms. Nookie?

58
00:02:56,630 --> 00:02:58,380
How did Ms. Nookie become Ms. Nookie?.

59
00:02:58,890 --> 00:03:03,060
I became Ms. Nookie because my,
my parents, um, my mom, she's no

60
00:03:03,060 --> 00:03:07,020
longer with us, but my parents
were married for 47 years.

61
00:03:07,110 --> 00:03:07,800
Oh, wow.

62
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:13,260
My parents were married for 47 years
and my mom's side, huge family.

63
00:03:13,500 --> 00:03:18,030
So I've had like, I have a aunt
that was married within six months.

64
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:23,400
I have a aunt that was married after
10 years of being with her, husband.

65
00:03:23,700 --> 00:03:28,280
I have a uncle that, married, then
divorced, and then found like his

66
00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:30,050
first love again, like his first love.

67
00:03:30,050 --> 00:03:32,270
They found each other
again like 20 years later.

68
00:03:32,450 --> 00:03:37,790
So I've seen all aspect, all different
types of ways that people have gotten

69
00:03:37,790 --> 00:03:41,930
into relationships, but no one ever told
me how they did it, what their mind,

70
00:03:42,020 --> 00:03:47,090
what their thought process was, you
know, and just in, in general, many of

71
00:03:47,090 --> 00:03:49,100
us, we just aren't taught how to date.

72
00:03:49,970 --> 00:03:52,970
So that's why I was like,
okay, I need to take this dive.

73
00:03:52,970 --> 00:03:58,610
'cause you know, I, I'm, I'm divorced
and, you know, especially, and now I'm,

74
00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:02,450
I'm, I'm in the dating world looking
for my, my true love, my true husband.

75
00:04:02,930 --> 00:04:06,980
And especially after being
divorced, I was like, you know what?

76
00:04:07,430 --> 00:04:08,510
I know how to be married.

77
00:04:08,810 --> 00:04:09,920
I can be married again.

78
00:04:10,430 --> 00:04:16,310
Got divorced in 2014, so yeah,
still needed a lot of work that I

79
00:04:16,310 --> 00:04:19,490
needed to do because I was like,
you know, it shouldn't be hard.

80
00:04:20,030 --> 00:04:21,290
I, I've been a wife, I know.

81
00:04:21,290 --> 00:04:24,350
And, but then when you get out
there in the dating apps and it

82
00:04:24,350 --> 00:04:27,410
was just like, okay, nobody's real.

83
00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:29,150
Nobody's real about what they want.

84
00:04:29,150 --> 00:04:32,660
And you know, and just being in.

85
00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:37,300
It's like a sea of sharks when you first
come out and you join the dating act.

86
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:41,590
If you don't know what to do, if you don't
have your boundaries, if you don't have

87
00:04:41,590 --> 00:04:45,610
your negotiables and non-negotiables,
if you don't know all of that, it's,

88
00:04:45,610 --> 00:04:47,290
it's like a, it's like a feeding frenzy.

89
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:50,650
And that's why so many people are
like, oh, dating is a shit show.

90
00:04:50,650 --> 00:04:53,260
And you know, it sucks and
dah, dah, dah, dah, because

91
00:04:53,770 --> 00:04:55,840
they're just not approaching it.

92
00:04:55,845 --> 00:04:57,495
They're doing the same
thing over and over again.

93
00:04:57,615 --> 00:04:58,845
The definition of insanity.

94
00:04:59,085 --> 00:05:01,275
So I'm here to make us less sane.

95
00:05:02,865 --> 00:05:03,945
That sounds like fun.

96
00:05:04,455 --> 00:05:04,785
Yeah.

97
00:05:04,995 --> 00:05:08,535
You know, I, I remember when we
opened up our relationship to,

98
00:05:08,535 --> 00:05:12,645
to dating and it was miserable.

99
00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:13,785
It was not fun.

100
00:05:14,085 --> 00:05:18,315
And it was because we were older,
obviously, we didn't grow up during the

101
00:05:18,315 --> 00:05:22,845
app generation, and all of a sudden this
was the way to do it, and you had to

102
00:05:22,845 --> 00:05:29,295
swipe left or right, and everything is
all gunned up to their profile picture.

103
00:05:30,105 --> 00:05:33,945
Whatever witticisms that they
wrote in their profile and

104
00:05:34,395 --> 00:05:35,715
it all came down to that.

105
00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:35,920
You

106
00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:38,260
know, and whatever kind of
conversation you can have.

107
00:05:38,260 --> 00:05:41,440
Low key on a, on a, an app messenger.

108
00:05:41,540 --> 00:05:45,350
He's Exactly, I was married,
this is my third marriage girl.

109
00:05:45,350 --> 00:05:46,610
Third marriage right here.

110
00:05:46,700 --> 00:05:47,090
That's right.

111
00:05:47,090 --> 00:05:49,010
She found Mr. Third time's a charm.

112
00:05:49,010 --> 00:05:49,580
That's right.

113
00:05:49,940 --> 00:05:51,200
You hit the jackpot with this one.

114
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:51,410
I did.

115
00:05:51,410 --> 00:05:54,590
You know, I don't, and, and I never dated.

116
00:05:55,190 --> 00:05:58,550
I was 13 when I got with my first husband.

117
00:05:58,550 --> 00:06:02,810
Got married at 18, got
divorced at like 24.

118
00:06:03,110 --> 00:06:07,640
Went into another relationship
within like weeks, stayed with that

119
00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:12,560
one rebound, had kids and stayed
with him for seven years and then

120
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:15,200
divorced and went straight to Adam.

121
00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:18,740
So like, I don't even
know that dating ritual.

122
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:22,520
And when we became poll and
we were starting to date,

123
00:06:22,580 --> 00:06:24,200
I was like, this is crazy.

124
00:06:24,260 --> 00:06:24,800
No.

125
00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:26,750
Is this how you meet people on an app?

126
00:06:26,755 --> 00:06:26,845
Yeah.

127
00:06:27,755 --> 00:06:28,205
You're right.

128
00:06:28,205 --> 00:06:32,045
People were very fake and they weren't
being honest with what they wanted.

129
00:06:32,045 --> 00:06:35,975
And you know, to get that out
of them was a very hard thing.

130
00:06:36,025 --> 00:06:36,265
Yeah.

131
00:06:36,265 --> 00:06:38,405
I'm glad you, I'm glad
you're here to teach us.

132
00:06:39,335 --> 00:06:39,755
Yeah.

133
00:06:39,755 --> 00:06:44,060
Like for, for dating apps what I, what
I tip, what I typically say is you

134
00:06:44,060 --> 00:06:45,650
really have to look at the profiles.

135
00:06:45,730 --> 00:06:46,750
Look at the pictures.

136
00:06:47,110 --> 00:06:49,330
Are there, are the pictures varying?

137
00:06:49,330 --> 00:06:50,350
Do you see casual?

138
00:06:50,350 --> 00:06:51,640
Do you see business?

139
00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:54,760
You know, if it's all
casual, I'm not gonna swipe.

140
00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:58,030
You know, if, if all you have are,
are five pictures and you got on a

141
00:06:58,030 --> 00:07:00,880
t-shirt, no, I need, I need versatility.

142
00:07:00,885 --> 00:07:05,960
That's the first thing, and then even
just the, the simple questions, when,

143
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:09,770
when a guy says, ask me anything you
wanna know, that's a, that's an automatic

144
00:07:09,770 --> 00:07:13,040
swipe left because you don't even
have time to invest in your profile.

145
00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:16,790
So, you know, these, these
little simple things kind of,

146
00:07:17,210 --> 00:07:19,070
it, it helps you to, to weed out.

147
00:07:19,415 --> 00:07:21,075
A lot just by those simple things.

148
00:07:21,075 --> 00:07:23,775
Because I tell people, if you
are doing your profile, you need

149
00:07:23,775 --> 00:07:27,645
to have pictures of, you know,
the different aspects of you.

150
00:07:28,155 --> 00:07:32,445
Fill out the profile, answer those
questions, truly give a little bit

151
00:07:32,445 --> 00:07:36,195
of yourself so that when you do
your profile, you know a little

152
00:07:36,195 --> 00:07:38,085
bit more of what to look for.

153
00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:42,675
Now, you know, this isn't foolproof 'cause
things will slip through, but at least you

154
00:07:42,675 --> 00:07:49,575
get rid of that, that first layer of scum,
for lack of a better word, you, you filter

155
00:07:49,575 --> 00:07:53,115
out the first layer of scum and then
you can, you know, dive a little deeper.

156
00:07:53,415 --> 00:07:58,185
And also like when dating, it's,
you have to change your mindset.

157
00:07:58,395 --> 00:07:59,145
On average.

158
00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:02,355
Sometimes it could take people 80
dates before they find their person.

159
00:08:03,555 --> 00:08:07,425
So it sounds like a big number, but
if you think of it that way, you're

160
00:08:07,425 --> 00:08:10,845
not in a mindset of, is this the one,
is this the one, is this the one?

161
00:08:10,965 --> 00:08:12,435
Because I'm a hopeless romantic?

162
00:08:12,435 --> 00:08:14,775
And I was like that everyone is the one.

163
00:08:15,450 --> 00:08:18,930
Everyone is my husband until
he proves that he's not you.

164
00:08:19,090 --> 00:08:20,440
I'm a hopeless romantic.

165
00:08:20,830 --> 00:08:21,040
Yeah.

166
00:08:21,340 --> 00:08:23,020
I believe in love all the time.

167
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:25,480
I see you, you like me, okay.

168
00:08:25,990 --> 00:08:28,775
I'm planning the wedding in my head,
but you know, you gotta slow down.

169
00:08:29,315 --> 00:08:30,615
I'm total opposite.

170
00:08:31,015 --> 00:08:34,400
I you gotta slow down and, and just, and

171
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:35,420
take some time.

172
00:08:36,235 --> 00:08:36,525
Yeah.

173
00:08:36,665 --> 00:08:38,090
No, that is so funny.

174
00:08:38,090 --> 00:08:40,590
That's how it was with with Adam
when he was, when we were poly.

175
00:08:40,610 --> 00:08:40,990
You know, I,

176
00:08:41,065 --> 00:08:42,445
I, so I am, I am big.

177
00:08:42,445 --> 00:08:46,715
I, I wear my heart on my sleeve and
I'm very big on, with, when we were

178
00:08:46,715 --> 00:08:50,975
poly, that's when I realized that
new relationship energy is a thing.

179
00:08:51,425 --> 00:08:55,595
And I would get all excited
to be with this one person.

180
00:08:55,595 --> 00:08:58,105
And, and, you know, before you know
it, all of your, and that was the

181
00:08:58,105 --> 00:09:02,995
difficulty too, was all of your time and
energy goes into this new relationship.

182
00:09:03,295 --> 00:09:05,425
And when it comes to non-monogamy.

183
00:09:06,010 --> 00:09:08,950
You have other relationships that
you have, there's other plants

184
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:11,800
that you gotta work, you gotta
split, you gotta split your time.

185
00:09:11,830 --> 00:09:12,040
Yeah.

186
00:09:12,045 --> 00:09:15,710
And so that time management, that was
a tough part for me because I'm also

187
00:09:15,710 --> 00:09:17,570
a dad and I was raising kids Yeah.

188
00:09:17,570 --> 00:09:22,070
As well as I'm, I married my best
friend, and so with all of that, it

189
00:09:22,070 --> 00:09:28,250
was just difficult to give myself
whatever I had left to somebody else.

190
00:09:28,250 --> 00:09:29,030
It was just difficult,

191
00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:29,310
know?

192
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:29,370
Yeah.

193
00:09:29,370 --> 00:09:31,220
For, for the way that you normally give.

194
00:09:31,430 --> 00:09:31,670
Yes.

195
00:09:32,015 --> 00:09:36,065
You kind of had to say, okay, well
I, it's like you kind of felt self

196
00:09:36,065 --> 00:09:39,095
defeated because you didn't feel
like you were being your truest

197
00:09:39,095 --> 00:09:40,835
self in giving your all Yes.

198
00:09:40,835 --> 00:09:41,800
That you would normally do.

199
00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:41,970
I give

200
00:09:42,005 --> 00:09:42,960
everything that I, yeah.

201
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:43,985
That I wanted to give.

202
00:09:44,445 --> 00:09:49,965
Now Pris, it was a different story
because Pris was not a fan of polyamory.

203
00:09:50,085 --> 00:09:50,205
Yeah.

204
00:09:50,265 --> 00:09:53,385
She was not a fan of, of
dating others so much.

205
00:09:53,445 --> 00:09:58,245
She is bisexual and so she wanted to
experience other women in a relationship

206
00:09:58,245 --> 00:09:59,535
setting and that sort of thing.

207
00:09:59,875 --> 00:10:00,295
And.

208
00:10:01,075 --> 00:10:03,655
She was not as successful.

209
00:10:03,925 --> 00:10:06,865
Her experiences were not as
successful as, as mine were.

210
00:10:07,195 --> 00:10:11,095
Just for the sheer fact that women
connecting with other women, I guess

211
00:10:11,305 --> 00:10:17,965
I'm very transparent and I'm very,
I stand by my beliefs and a lot

212
00:10:17,965 --> 00:10:19,465
of people just don't get that.

213
00:10:19,465 --> 00:10:23,875
Like it's, you know, I was very, they
were very standoffish and, and so I

214
00:10:23,875 --> 00:10:26,305
was like, okay, well if this is not
gonna work, if you're not gonna be

215
00:10:26,305 --> 00:10:27,955
compatible to me, then it's, it's fine.

216
00:10:28,585 --> 00:10:33,205
There are, we did date a woman together
recently, and it was really cool because

217
00:10:33,205 --> 00:10:39,205
she was pretty similar to me in Attitude
and feistiness and stuff like that, but it

218
00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:45,445
was a little different because she wasn't
really, I don't know, uh, understanding

219
00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:50,065
of like, not understanding, but he's
very sensitive and stuff like that.

220
00:10:50,065 --> 00:10:51,815
So it was a weird balance.

221
00:10:51,830 --> 00:10:53,420
I don't know if I'll do it again.

222
00:10:53,510 --> 00:10:55,730
Can't say no, but I don't know.

223
00:10:55,730 --> 00:10:57,380
It was, it was really hard.

224
00:10:57,590 --> 00:10:58,250
It was hard.

225
00:10:58,500 --> 00:11:01,830
One thing I can say, like, like when
you're, because I'm, I'm straightforward

226
00:11:01,830 --> 00:11:05,730
and I'm assertive, and sometimes
people can find that intimidating.

227
00:11:05,820 --> 00:11:06,630
Yes, I get that.

228
00:11:06,630 --> 00:11:07,080
She gets called.

229
00:11:08,530 --> 00:11:13,620
So what I try to do, I try to just
tap more into my feminine energy.

230
00:11:14,130 --> 00:11:17,070
And just kind of slow
down and just be softer.

231
00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:17,730
Yeah,

232
00:11:17,940 --> 00:11:18,180
I do.

233
00:11:18,180 --> 00:11:23,670
You know, and yeah, like, just slow
down when you think slow, you know,

234
00:11:23,670 --> 00:11:28,280
like when you're walking, think slow
when you're talking to someone, slow

235
00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:33,020
down your pace and that, that'll
make you a little more in inviting.

236
00:11:33,380 --> 00:11:37,190
And, I mean, you can still say what
you wanna say and if you say it slower,

237
00:11:37,190 --> 00:11:39,770
trust me, the delivery is that's the key.

238
00:11:39,770 --> 00:11:40,610
It's the delivery.

239
00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:41,030
There you go.

240
00:11:41,060 --> 00:11:46,190
So just try slowing down a little bit and
just talking like, yeah, you know, this is

241
00:11:46,190 --> 00:11:48,920
what I like and this is what I don't like.

242
00:11:48,950 --> 00:11:52,250
And tell me what you
like and talk like that.

243
00:11:52,250 --> 00:11:55,370
Just try and talk a little bit
slower and I bet you people

244
00:11:55,370 --> 00:11:56,660
will be a lot more receptive.

245
00:11:56,900 --> 00:11:57,830
Oh, she's a fast talker.

246
00:11:57,830 --> 00:11:58,430
You called that one.

247
00:11:58,940 --> 00:11:59,180
Yes.

248
00:12:00,140 --> 00:12:00,410
Thank you.

249
00:12:00,411 --> 00:12:00,710
Thank you for that.

250
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,260
And I mean, it makes sense
because, you know, it's, it's.

251
00:12:05,090 --> 00:12:08,060
With oomph, you know, it's
with emotion, it's with Yeah.

252
00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:11,150
You know, that you're slowing everything
down and going, look, this is me.

253
00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:12,290
And it's intentional.

254
00:12:12,290 --> 00:12:14,210
It, it's like really
intentional, you know?

255
00:12:14,210 --> 00:12:18,800
It's, it's a little more intentional
and people list, when you talk slower,

256
00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:22,280
people listen to every word that you say.

257
00:12:22,490 --> 00:12:22,700
Yeah.

258
00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:27,835
The slower you talk, it becomes a little
entrancing, you know, like, you know,

259
00:12:27,860 --> 00:12:30,500
here I am and this is what I want.

260
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,280
And people will give you what you want.

261
00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:34,080
The slower you talk,
especially as a woman,

262
00:12:34,410 --> 00:12:35,670
Ms. Nookie, you're putting it like that.

263
00:12:35,910 --> 00:12:37,570
I'm hanging on every word over here.

264
00:12:37,775 --> 00:12:37,995
No.

265
00:12:39,655 --> 00:12:45,710
Now I, I'd like to delve into consent
and things that, that, uh, you talked

266
00:12:45,710 --> 00:12:49,730
about, uh, a lot of people in the
lifestyle kind of struggle with how

267
00:12:49,730 --> 00:12:53,910
to say things in the moment especially
when multiple people are involved.

268
00:12:54,330 --> 00:13:00,470
And I'm curious as far as what you think
how can we make consent sound sexy and

269
00:13:00,470 --> 00:13:02,075
natural without like killing the vibe?

270
00:13:02,795 --> 00:13:05,105
Because I've been afraid of that myself.

271
00:13:05,135 --> 00:13:07,995
You know, it's, it's one of those
things where you know for our

272
00:13:07,995 --> 00:13:11,685
specific lifestyle, consent is
everything, and consent is very sexy.

273
00:13:12,085 --> 00:13:16,345
But if everything's in the moment,
things are happening, how can you ask for

274
00:13:16,345 --> 00:13:19,885
consent without turning everybody off?

275
00:13:19,890 --> 00:13:19,920
Off.

276
00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:20,410
Without turning it off?

277
00:13:20,410 --> 00:13:20,420
Yeah.

278
00:13:20,695 --> 00:13:21,355
Yeah.

279
00:13:22,265 --> 00:13:26,135
It's, it's, it's one of those, it's
one of those things where, okay,

280
00:13:26,135 --> 00:13:30,575
so if you're at a swinger's party,
everybody kind of knows what it's about.

281
00:13:30,695 --> 00:13:30,875
Yeah.

282
00:13:31,595 --> 00:13:36,365
You know, and everybody knows what it's
about, but you still need consent to

283
00:13:36,365 --> 00:13:38,585
still swing when you're at the party.

284
00:13:38,855 --> 00:13:38,975
Right.

285
00:13:39,365 --> 00:13:42,365
So, you know, you have that
initial contact and you know,

286
00:13:42,365 --> 00:13:47,015
you have a vibe and you know, so
are you feeling what I'm feeling?

287
00:13:47,015 --> 00:13:51,325
You know, just, just easing it into
the conversation, here's what I like.

288
00:13:51,415 --> 00:13:52,555
What do you like?

289
00:13:52,585 --> 00:13:56,135
You know, when you start talking
about likes and dislikes, and you

290
00:13:56,135 --> 00:14:00,065
can kind of get a feel for whether
or not someone will consent with you.

291
00:14:00,245 --> 00:14:05,555
So it, it's all in how you propose the
conversation and the type of, and, and

292
00:14:05,555 --> 00:14:10,115
where the conversation goes, that you'll
feel like a little nudge in your belly

293
00:14:10,115 --> 00:14:13,745
when you're like, okay, I think, you
know, I think this one is good to go.

294
00:14:13,745 --> 00:14:18,780
So let's, you know, up, up the ante
and have the, have the consent talk.

295
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:21,870
Because it, to me, it's just all
about the way a conversation.

296
00:14:22,020 --> 00:14:25,020
'cause you know when someone isn't
feeling you when you're talking to them.

297
00:14:25,260 --> 00:14:25,650
Yeah.

298
00:14:25,750 --> 00:14:28,720
And you know, to just pull back and be
like, oh, you know, nice meeting you.

299
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:30,250
You know, oh, someone's calling me.

300
00:14:30,250 --> 00:14:31,090
Let me go real quick.

301
00:14:31,300 --> 00:14:33,100
You know how to exit fast.

302
00:14:33,100 --> 00:14:36,190
But when you're, you know, you're
enjoying a conversation with someone

303
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:40,900
and you know, you give the looks and you
know, the, you know, the slight touch.

304
00:14:40,900 --> 00:14:44,170
I'm, I'm a very touchy-feely person,
so if, if I'm talking to you, I may

305
00:14:44,170 --> 00:14:47,770
touch your elbow or touch your shoulder,
you know, see how receptive they are

306
00:14:47,770 --> 00:14:52,270
to that and just kind of go with the
flow and be like, so, you know, are,

307
00:14:52,510 --> 00:14:54,880
are you okay with us doing X, Y, Z?

308
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:58,030
And you know, it's easing it
into the conversation once the

309
00:14:58,030 --> 00:14:59,830
conversation feels comfortable.

310
00:15:00,220 --> 00:15:01,090
Yeah, sure, sure.

311
00:15:01,330 --> 00:15:02,080
If that makes sense.

312
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:06,730
There's two questions that swingers
are most uncomfortable asking.

313
00:15:07,060 --> 00:15:08,380
One of them is consent.

314
00:15:08,740 --> 00:15:11,030
The other one is the condom question.

315
00:15:11,180 --> 00:15:15,800
And for some reason those, those two
questions, people get very nervous.

316
00:15:16,805 --> 00:15:17,095
It's

317
00:15:17,095 --> 00:15:20,900
so, it's so odd to me that those
are two of the hardest questions

318
00:15:20,900 --> 00:15:23,240
because you know what you're doing.

319
00:15:23,510 --> 00:15:25,460
You are an adult consenting.

320
00:15:26,540 --> 00:15:26,660
Yes.

321
00:15:26,660 --> 00:15:29,750
You know, you're going in this
knowing, knowing what you, what you

322
00:15:29,750 --> 00:15:37,060
wanna do, and it's like, okay, so
yeah I'm a condom person, so if you're

323
00:15:37,060 --> 00:15:38,890
not, then this isn't gonna work.

324
00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:42,520
It's, it's standing by what your
negotiables and non-negotiables are.

325
00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:43,030
Yeah.

326
00:15:43,450 --> 00:15:45,850
And saying it very introducing
it and standing by it.

327
00:15:45,940 --> 00:15:46,270
Yeah.

328
00:15:46,270 --> 00:15:46,990
And saying it in a

329
00:15:46,990 --> 00:15:51,010
very natural way where it's like,
yeah, you're not judging and

330
00:15:51,010 --> 00:15:52,690
you're not being rude about it.

331
00:15:52,690 --> 00:15:55,870
So I'm very up upfront, like I
said, I'm like, okay, so we wear

332
00:15:55,870 --> 00:15:57,880
condoms and are y'all good with that?

333
00:15:58,930 --> 00:15:59,110
Yeah.

334
00:15:59,110 --> 00:16:02,670
It's like, you know, you know,
me, me and my partner, we agreed

335
00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:04,350
that this is how we do this.

336
00:16:04,350 --> 00:16:04,440
Mm-hmm.

337
00:16:04,830 --> 00:16:07,470
You know, and just standing in that,
you know, this is how we do this.

338
00:16:07,470 --> 00:16:09,000
And then, oh, well, we don't wear condoms.

339
00:16:09,270 --> 00:16:10,410
Oh, well you know what?

340
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:14,010
It was so nice talking to you,
you know, and, you know, and

341
00:16:14,070 --> 00:16:15,420
oh, we gotta go do something.

342
00:16:15,420 --> 00:16:21,210
You just get the hell outta dodge because
it, it's not worth entertaining something

343
00:16:21,210 --> 00:16:24,150
that you know, you're not going to do,
because you know, no one's gonna be

344
00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:27,300
able to coax you into doing something
that you're not going to do either.

345
00:16:28,230 --> 00:16:30,330
So it, it's, it's one
of those type of things.

346
00:16:30,330 --> 00:16:30,990
That's right.

347
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:33,870
I mean, so essentially, in so many
words, we just gotta act like.

348
00:16:35,340 --> 00:16:35,730
Period.

349
00:16:36,190 --> 00:16:37,330
Yeah, like we're

350
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:39,970
doing adult things, very adult things.

351
00:16:39,970 --> 00:16:40,420
So

352
00:16:40,445 --> 00:16:40,785
you just

353
00:16:40,785 --> 00:16:41,865
gotta be adults about it.

354
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:43,060
You gotta own it.

355
00:16:43,065 --> 00:16:43,345
Yeah.

356
00:16:43,390 --> 00:16:47,750
If you own it, embrace it,
live it, breathe it, embody who

357
00:16:47,750 --> 00:16:50,180
you are and be unapologetic.

358
00:16:50,180 --> 00:16:52,160
I think that's part of the problem.

359
00:16:52,690 --> 00:16:55,450
We don't live unapologetically enough.

360
00:16:56,275 --> 00:16:56,625
Agree.

361
00:16:56,695 --> 00:16:57,910
Yeah, agree.

362
00:16:58,030 --> 00:17:05,650
You know, like I don't apologize a lot
'cause whatever I did, I did it and I

363
00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:07,870
meant it and I'll be accountable for it.

364
00:17:08,020 --> 00:17:10,510
And it, it is what it is, you know?

365
00:17:10,510 --> 00:17:13,660
So it's just be who you are.

366
00:17:13,780 --> 00:17:18,190
You I'm, I'm about to, you know,
I'm about to be 50 sexy next year,

367
00:17:18,190 --> 00:17:20,050
so I have no more F's to give.

368
00:17:20,050 --> 00:17:20,950
So I'm just me.

369
00:17:21,310 --> 00:17:24,700
You are going to get me 100%.

370
00:17:25,060 --> 00:17:27,760
And either if you like it, I love it.

371
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:28,570
If you don't.

372
00:17:29,950 --> 00:17:30,910
I wish you the best.

373
00:17:30,910 --> 00:17:32,205
Namaste, you know,

374
00:17:33,715 --> 00:17:34,685
perfect person.

375
00:17:34,905 --> 00:17:35,770
Oh, I'm telling you, man.

376
00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:37,390
Oh my goodness, yes.

377
00:17:37,685 --> 00:17:41,170
I, I totally 1000% agree with you.

378
00:17:41,170 --> 00:17:47,860
And I wish that more women, I'm gonna
say women had that much confidence and

379
00:17:47,860 --> 00:17:53,640
had the ability to speak up and say
things like that because I am with you.

380
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,190
I do not apologize very often.

381
00:17:56,190 --> 00:17:58,920
I am not I'm, the gives a fucks are gone.

382
00:17:59,475 --> 00:18:00,915
So you have to be, you know what my

383
00:18:00,915 --> 00:18:05,355
mind is going, going right now, and
like I am, like, my mind is screaming

384
00:18:05,355 --> 00:18:08,895
masterclass for people who are
interested in life, in lifestyle,

385
00:18:09,135 --> 00:18:13,150
you know, a couple's masterclass,
you know, one, one for females, one

386
00:18:13,150 --> 00:18:15,260
for males to address these issues.

387
00:18:15,300 --> 00:18:18,450
If you guys were to coordinate
something like that, I'm here with you.

388
00:18:19,470 --> 00:18:19,670
Yes, I will.

389
00:18:19,710 --> 00:18:19,920
I will.

390
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:21,210
That's something that we've talked about.

391
00:18:21,210 --> 00:18:21,420
Yeah.

392
00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:26,400
You know, I, I would say that, that the
dating world is difficult for anybody,

393
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:31,260
whether you're non-monogamous or
monogamous, but I feel like the dating

394
00:18:31,260 --> 00:18:36,740
world is a bit tougher as non monogamous,
obviously, because you're, you're

395
00:18:36,740 --> 00:18:39,770
holding onto more than one relationship.

396
00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:40,100
Yeah.

397
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:45,890
And so I, I'm curious, in your
experiences have you worked with people in

398
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,320
non-monogamous relationships the same or.

399
00:18:49,910 --> 00:18:54,520
I have and it is a push pull and
it's, it's not meant for everybody.

400
00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:54,580
Yeah.

401
00:18:55,330 --> 00:18:59,820
And people need to understand that, it's
okay if it's for you, and it's okay if you

402
00:18:59,820 --> 00:19:02,250
try it and you don't like it, it's okay.

403
00:19:03,150 --> 00:19:05,640
You know, like people are like,
well, it seems like that's the end

404
00:19:05,670 --> 00:19:07,710
thing now, and I just don't want it.

405
00:19:07,740 --> 00:19:08,160
Okay.

406
00:19:08,190 --> 00:19:09,570
Peer, we don't do peer pressure.

407
00:19:09,570 --> 00:19:10,320
We're adults.

408
00:19:10,770 --> 00:19:10,860
Yeah.

409
00:19:10,860 --> 00:19:12,330
Peer pressure doesn't exist for us.

410
00:19:12,380 --> 00:19:13,940
Let, let's get rid of that stigma.

411
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:18,340
And it's, it's just, understand making
sure that the communication is there

412
00:19:18,340 --> 00:19:24,095
with all parties and all parties are in
agreement to, I tell people the para, the,

413
00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:29,130
the number one thing about relationships
is how, if you can effectively

414
00:19:29,130 --> 00:19:33,150
communicate, effectively communicate.

415
00:19:33,390 --> 00:19:35,730
And if you feel like you
know, you're in this.

416
00:19:36,870 --> 00:19:41,180
ENM and you know, your person isn't
giving you enough time, be able

417
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,590
to communicate that with them.

418
00:19:42,770 --> 00:19:45,170
And if they say, well, that's
all the time that I can give

419
00:19:45,170 --> 00:19:47,390
you, be willing to walk away.

420
00:19:48,500 --> 00:19:52,970
You know, I think too many times people
are afraid for fear of being alone to

421
00:19:52,970 --> 00:19:56,690
walk away from situations, and then
they'll, they'll sit there unhappy.

422
00:19:56,900 --> 00:20:00,230
Well, I tried it and, you know, he
just didn't pay me any attention.

423
00:20:00,230 --> 00:20:02,510
He paid the, oh, then why did you stay?

424
00:20:03,050 --> 00:20:06,620
You know, it's, it's, it's one of
those type of things where be in

425
00:20:06,620 --> 00:20:11,510
your power because I, what I do at
Love Mastery Institute, I teach you

426
00:20:11,630 --> 00:20:15,290
how to prepare yourself for love,
prepare yourself for any dynamic.

427
00:20:15,710 --> 00:20:19,280
Because once you have that
self-love, you're not gonna

428
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:20,870
do all of the push and pull.

429
00:20:20,870 --> 00:20:23,030
You're not gonna sit and beg.

430
00:20:23,090 --> 00:20:25,430
You're gonna, like I said, you're
gonna lay out your boundaries.

431
00:20:25,610 --> 00:20:29,540
You're gonna lay out your negotiables and
non-negotiables, and it is what it is.

432
00:20:30,050 --> 00:20:34,820
And when you are powerful enough to know
that you can walk away from anything.

433
00:20:35,555 --> 00:20:37,475
To me, that makes you sexier than ever.

434
00:20:37,475 --> 00:20:40,325
And that makes people chase you
even more when they know that

435
00:20:40,655 --> 00:20:41,915
they can't play in your face.

436
00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:43,805
In essence,

437
00:20:44,615 --> 00:20:47,695
well put that's, that was
everything right there, actually.

438
00:20:47,695 --> 00:20:50,155
Because, 'cause I mean,
that is sexy to me.

439
00:20:50,155 --> 00:20:54,145
You know, if, if there's a level
of desperation that I'm seeing

440
00:20:54,145 --> 00:20:59,240
in somebody and they don't love
themselves enough to, to mm-hmm.

441
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:00,325
Which you boundaries.

442
00:21:00,325 --> 00:21:00,715
Yeah.

443
00:21:00,715 --> 00:21:01,000
Which you mean.

444
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:01,240
Yeah.

445
00:21:01,505 --> 00:21:02,825
I've seen it several times before.

446
00:21:02,825 --> 00:21:04,205
I lose interest immediately.

447
00:21:04,235 --> 00:21:04,565
Yeah.

448
00:21:04,715 --> 00:21:07,565
Uh, you know, I am a
big fan of strong women.

449
00:21:07,595 --> 00:21:07,685
Yes.

450
00:21:07,685 --> 00:21:10,115
Strong minded women,
very opinionated women.

451
00:21:10,415 --> 00:21:12,515
I love my strong women 100%.

452
00:21:12,935 --> 00:21:18,675
And, uh, when I come in contact with
somebody who is not on that level,

453
00:21:18,675 --> 00:21:22,275
they don't love themselves that much,
they don't, you know, treat themselves

454
00:21:22,275 --> 00:21:26,695
better I lose interest because if
you don't love yourself, why would I?

455
00:21:26,845 --> 00:21:27,115
Yeah.

456
00:21:27,155 --> 00:21:27,815
Exactly.

457
00:21:27,815 --> 00:21:31,025
I, I tell people, no one can love
you more than you love yourself.

458
00:21:31,625 --> 00:21:31,985
Yeah.

459
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:33,170
Period.

460
00:21:33,290 --> 00:21:35,330
You know, you have to
be happy with yourself.

461
00:21:35,510 --> 00:21:38,810
I go on solo dates all the time,
you know, I'll take myself to the

462
00:21:38,810 --> 00:21:43,640
movies, you know, out to eat all
the time, and I just, I don't know.

463
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:45,230
I enjoy me.

464
00:21:45,650 --> 00:21:46,730
Yeah, I enjoy me.

465
00:21:46,910 --> 00:21:49,910
And I mean, it, it also gives me more
time to flirt, you know, if there's

466
00:21:49,910 --> 00:21:53,565
a cute bartender or someone cute
beside, it, it, it does lend to being

467
00:21:53,565 --> 00:21:57,405
an opportunity to flirt when someone
sees you out and about by yourself.

468
00:21:57,405 --> 00:22:01,305
So I just look at every opportunity
I can to, you know, meet people.

469
00:22:01,605 --> 00:22:03,705
I have no problem saying hi to people.

470
00:22:03,855 --> 00:22:05,805
I have no problem complimenting people.

471
00:22:05,805 --> 00:22:07,485
Oh, that's a nice shirt.

472
00:22:07,725 --> 00:22:09,525
Oh, that shirt looks good with your eyes.

473
00:22:09,525 --> 00:22:11,455
You know, just talk to people.

474
00:22:11,635 --> 00:22:15,840
And if you just if you practice that
in your daily life, just in general,

475
00:22:16,275 --> 00:22:19,530
you, you, you'll, you'll start to just
build up a certain confidence where

476
00:22:19,530 --> 00:22:21,240
you're like, Hey, I can talk to anybody.

477
00:22:22,010 --> 00:22:23,690
It's just little steps.

478
00:22:23,690 --> 00:22:28,760
I believe big life changes come
from small mindset changes.

479
00:22:29,165 --> 00:22:29,195
Ooh,

480
00:22:30,995 --> 00:22:32,675
that's, we're gonna
put that on a shirt, so

481
00:22:35,885 --> 00:22:36,515
that's a good one.

482
00:22:36,935 --> 00:22:37,265
Yeah.

483
00:22:37,265 --> 00:22:38,495
That, that's all it takes.

484
00:22:38,495 --> 00:22:39,845
Small mindset changes.

485
00:22:39,845 --> 00:22:44,355
I and what I love about
complimenting, strangers, you never

486
00:22:44,355 --> 00:22:45,855
know if you've made their day.

487
00:22:46,215 --> 00:22:46,815
Yes.

488
00:22:47,025 --> 00:22:49,725
Because some people, they'll, they'll
be like you, you know, they'll, they'll

489
00:22:49,725 --> 00:22:52,695
just have a, a straight face and
say, Hey, that's a really nice color.

490
00:22:53,085 --> 00:22:53,805
Thank you.

491
00:22:53,835 --> 00:22:56,475
You know, like, you can make
someone's day just by doing that.

492
00:22:56,475 --> 00:22:58,155
Think about when someone compliments you.

493
00:22:58,425 --> 00:23:01,125
So even just start with
that, complimenting people.

494
00:23:01,125 --> 00:23:04,305
If you see something nice
compliment and just keep it moving.

495
00:23:04,785 --> 00:23:06,280
You don't have to sit and
conversate, compliment

496
00:23:06,615 --> 00:23:07,215
everybody.

497
00:23:08,625 --> 00:23:09,015
Yeah, exactly.

498
00:23:09,585 --> 00:23:10,485
Because you just never know.

499
00:23:10,485 --> 00:23:12,795
Like, somebody could be
having a really bad day.

500
00:23:12,795 --> 00:23:13,545
Yes.

501
00:23:13,545 --> 00:23:16,065
And you just changed their,
the whole trajectory of their

502
00:23:16,065 --> 00:23:17,265
day with a simple thing.

503
00:23:17,265 --> 00:23:18,165
And it took nothing.

504
00:23:18,315 --> 00:23:18,885
It was free.

505
00:23:19,740 --> 00:23:22,890
And, and you can see, it's almost
like you see the click in their face

506
00:23:22,890 --> 00:23:24,120
when you give them the compliment.

507
00:23:24,270 --> 00:23:28,020
So that just makes you feel good and you
know, that can work on your self-esteem.

508
00:23:28,020 --> 00:23:32,100
'cause hey, I had the power to say
something simple and make someone happy.

509
00:23:32,910 --> 00:23:37,590
So I should have the power to look myself
in the mirror and do my affirmations

510
00:23:37,590 --> 00:23:38,850
and say, you know, I am beautiful.

511
00:23:38,850 --> 00:23:40,050
I am enough, I am worthy.

512
00:23:40,230 --> 00:23:42,960
And know that that's gonna give
me the same effect that I give

513
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:45,930
random strangers by complimenting
something they're wearing.

514
00:23:46,860 --> 00:23:48,840
It's just simple mindset.

515
00:23:48,930 --> 00:23:49,230
Easy.

516
00:23:49,530 --> 00:23:49,650
Yeah.

517
00:23:49,650 --> 00:23:49,710
It

518
00:23:49,710 --> 00:23:50,550
comes back to you.

519
00:23:50,850 --> 00:23:51,000
Yep.

520
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:54,270
Back to you now Ms. Definitely does.

521
00:23:54,450 --> 00:23:57,110
I was, one of the things that I
was looking forward to talking

522
00:23:57,110 --> 00:23:59,450
to you about is Nookie notes.

523
00:23:59,475 --> 00:23:59,695
Yes.

524
00:23:59,870 --> 00:24:00,200
Okay.

525
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:03,630
Now I, I kind of briefly went
into it in the intro, but

526
00:24:03,900 --> 00:24:05,100
could you break it down for us?

527
00:24:05,100 --> 00:24:06,000
What is Nookie notes?

528
00:24:07,260 --> 00:24:09,480
So I have two versions of Nookie Notes.

529
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:13,650
I have a version for people who are
dating and a version for couples.

530
00:24:14,010 --> 00:24:19,470
So in, in my sessions with couples, we all
know people who have been together forever

531
00:24:19,470 --> 00:24:21,330
and they say, oh, we fell out of touch.

532
00:24:21,330 --> 00:24:22,680
You know, life took over.

533
00:24:22,950 --> 00:24:29,250
So the whole whole idea behind
the couple's deck is just to have

534
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:34,080
activities, whether it's a talking
activity or an actual activity

535
00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:36,200
that will increase intimacy.

536
00:24:36,710 --> 00:24:39,470
You know, especially if you've
been married for 10 years or

537
00:24:39,470 --> 00:24:43,520
more, you kind of run out of ideas
and that's really all you need.

538
00:24:43,730 --> 00:24:48,285
Some something to, something to
just provoke a new idea, a newness,

539
00:24:48,285 --> 00:24:52,155
a new way to look at each other, a
new way to talk to each other, a new

540
00:24:52,155 --> 00:24:53,925
way to reconnect with each other.

541
00:24:54,510 --> 00:24:57,570
So that's why, you know, it's a simple,
you don't have to go to counseling.

542
00:24:57,570 --> 00:25:01,570
You can just take some nookie notes
and, say, okay, once a month we're

543
00:25:01,570 --> 00:25:06,250
going to pull a card, randomly pull
a card, or you know, pull three

544
00:25:06,250 --> 00:25:09,280
cards and say, okay, we're gonna
do one of these three activities.

545
00:25:09,340 --> 00:25:11,140
And there you go.

546
00:25:11,140 --> 00:25:12,190
You start bonding right there.

547
00:25:12,220 --> 00:25:14,380
'cause you're sitting down, you're
looking at the three activities

548
00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:19,000
and you're deciding together what
to do when you may not have spoken

549
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:20,710
for weeks or, or, or something.

550
00:25:20,710 --> 00:25:25,060
But if you put it on your calendar,
this is gonna be a date night.

551
00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:29,020
We're gonna draw some no notes and do
whatever it says or, or make a plan.

552
00:25:29,230 --> 00:25:30,940
You are already starting to bond.

553
00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:32,020
'cause bonding.

554
00:25:32,740 --> 00:25:36,190
Bonding comes by doing activities
together, creating memories.

555
00:25:37,150 --> 00:25:42,430
That's what bonds people, especially men,
men get bonded to women by the memories.

556
00:25:42,610 --> 00:25:46,840
It's that vasopressin is a,
is is expressed when you do

557
00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:48,940
actual activities with someone.

558
00:25:49,090 --> 00:25:50,500
So that's what that's about.

559
00:25:50,530 --> 00:25:51,700
Just reconnecting.

560
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:59,200
And my date cards are just to help people
have fruitful conversations on dates so

561
00:25:59,230 --> 00:26:03,430
that you're not asking how many siblings
do you have, what's your favorite color?

562
00:26:03,540 --> 00:26:07,650
No, that's not gonna help you know
whether or not you and that person

563
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:11,010
are in alignment in terms of what
you're looking for the future.

564
00:26:11,490 --> 00:26:14,970
So that, you know, the, the
dating side that's just questions.

565
00:26:14,970 --> 00:26:18,690
A small card deck that you can
pop out on a date and be like,

566
00:26:18,690 --> 00:26:20,400
Hey, you wanna ask some questions?

567
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:23,610
You pick a card, I pick a card and
we have something to talk about.

568
00:26:24,315 --> 00:26:26,355
So that that's, that's what's behind it.

569
00:26:26,355 --> 00:26:30,315
Just something to make
dating a little bit easier.

570
00:26:30,615 --> 00:26:33,465
Yeah, because it's so hard
and so difficult and so many

571
00:26:33,465 --> 00:26:35,355
people don't know what to do.

572
00:26:35,445 --> 00:26:40,575
Especially, like I said, me after being
divorced, I had no clue what I was doing.

573
00:26:40,875 --> 00:26:44,055
Like I would've loved to have had
nookie notes because that would've,

574
00:26:44,055 --> 00:26:47,655
you know, that would've helped me to,
you know, you know, navigate things

575
00:26:47,655 --> 00:26:49,515
a little bit better and vet better.

576
00:26:49,515 --> 00:26:52,485
We don't vet properly, that's the key.

577
00:26:52,485 --> 00:26:57,045
We don't vet properly and
we become physical too soon.

578
00:26:57,135 --> 00:27:02,055
Most of the times, I, I know there
are people who, who, you know, fall in

579
00:27:02,055 --> 00:27:05,895
love at first sight, first, first date
they get physical and they're in love.

580
00:27:06,315 --> 00:27:10,965
The problem is that's maybe only 5%
of the population that that works

581
00:27:10,965 --> 00:27:15,075
for, and everybody thinks that they're
part of that 5% when they're not.

582
00:27:16,970 --> 00:27:17,190
Not

583
00:27:17,265 --> 00:27:18,735
everyone can handle that.

584
00:27:19,185 --> 00:27:21,945
We have a lot of friends who
will go through divorces.

585
00:27:22,950 --> 00:27:27,810
They start dating again, and every per
they'll date one person and they're like,

586
00:27:27,815 --> 00:27:29,400
um, this is the person that I'm seeing.

587
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:31,020
I'm seeing this person,
I'm seeing this person.

588
00:27:31,020 --> 00:27:34,350
It's like, why aren't you
dating multiple people?

589
00:27:34,350 --> 00:27:37,980
You need to date, you need to date
multiple people because you don't

590
00:27:37,980 --> 00:27:39,600
wanna put all your eggs in one basket.

591
00:27:39,750 --> 00:27:42,870
I'm all about time management
and conserving energy.

592
00:27:43,170 --> 00:27:47,310
When you have all your eggs in
one basket and you, you spent six

593
00:27:47,310 --> 00:27:50,810
months, drawing, diving deep with
this person just to realize that

594
00:27:50,810 --> 00:27:52,640
they're not, that's six months wasted.

595
00:27:53,060 --> 00:27:56,870
Where if you're dating, and when
I say dating, multi, it's talking,

596
00:27:56,870 --> 00:28:01,160
you're dating, collecting data,
collecting information, not being

597
00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:06,710
physical because physical I say will
turn you into a fool because they'll

598
00:28:06,710 --> 00:28:09,800
knock something out your head and
you're like, you know, your sense,

599
00:28:09,830 --> 00:28:11,720
your true senses go away because it's

600
00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:13,430
so good and so sweet.

601
00:28:13,430 --> 00:28:15,890
If you can't, you know,
you're like, this is it.

602
00:28:16,190 --> 00:28:16,820
No.

603
00:28:17,195 --> 00:28:19,025
Their character sucks.

604
00:28:19,295 --> 00:28:21,005
They just got good private parts.

605
00:28:21,995 --> 00:28:22,115
You know,

606
00:28:23,015 --> 00:28:27,425
I I never heard about Multid
dating or dating a lot of people

607
00:28:27,425 --> 00:28:30,005
at one time until I got older.

608
00:28:30,005 --> 00:28:36,485
And I'm gonna say, even recently, I had
a coworker who was in her thirties, early

609
00:28:36,485 --> 00:28:42,495
thirties, and she moved from California
and she was like I'm dating, but I'm

610
00:28:42,495 --> 00:28:45,915
dating, I forgot what she called it,
but she was just dating multiple people.

611
00:28:46,425 --> 00:28:50,685
And for me that was really cool.

612
00:28:50,865 --> 00:28:56,575
For my other coworker who's older,
was like, Ooh, no that's really weird.

613
00:28:56,575 --> 00:29:00,985
And I'm, and I remember thinking,
that's really freaking smart of her.

614
00:29:01,015 --> 00:29:03,415
And she was looking
for something specific.

615
00:29:03,415 --> 00:29:07,465
She was dating all these multiple men and
she wasn't sleeping with them, but she

616
00:29:07,465 --> 00:29:11,465
was dating them on, she was going out on
dates and she was like nope, not that one.

617
00:29:11,525 --> 00:29:12,635
Nope, not that one.

618
00:29:13,085 --> 00:29:14,045
She finally found one.

619
00:29:14,780 --> 00:29:15,560
And she's like,

620
00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:16,520
I, exactly.

621
00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:17,720
It's like the law.

622
00:29:17,930 --> 00:29:19,370
It's like the law of averages.

623
00:29:19,430 --> 00:29:23,300
When, when, when you're doing that,
and then even if you let everyone know

624
00:29:23,300 --> 00:29:27,210
that you're dating multiple people,
for women, you know, the men who

625
00:29:27,240 --> 00:29:30,900
don't wanna put in the work, they're
gonna leave immediately, right?

626
00:29:30,900 --> 00:29:34,290
Because they're gonna be like, oh,
well, if you're dating multiple people,

627
00:29:34,290 --> 00:29:35,850
you have to be sleeping with one.

628
00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:40,710
Listen, if you don't wanna believe
me now while we're dating and

629
00:29:40,710 --> 00:29:44,250
I'm trying to tell you how I
date, then we're not meant to be.

630
00:29:44,250 --> 00:29:46,140
And you can just move on your way, right?

631
00:29:46,170 --> 00:29:51,540
Because a man that's really into
you, he is going to fight for you and

632
00:29:51,540 --> 00:29:53,790
show you that he's the one for you.

633
00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:57,750
That's, to me, that's the purpose of
dating multiple people, is letting

634
00:29:57,750 --> 00:30:00,870
them know, okay, which one of you are
really gonna step up to the plate?

635
00:30:01,050 --> 00:30:04,800
Rather than dating one man
who's like, I, I got that.

636
00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:05,640
That's mine already.

637
00:30:06,030 --> 00:30:08,010
Who didn't really have to work for it?

638
00:30:08,925 --> 00:30:11,055
So that's why it's, it's on both sides.

639
00:30:11,055 --> 00:30:15,345
You gotta come as your truest self and
know that hey, they got someone else

640
00:30:15,345 --> 00:30:17,775
and you know, you gotta feel 'em out.

641
00:30:17,775 --> 00:30:18,945
Are they really feeling me?

642
00:30:18,945 --> 00:30:19,785
Are they not?

643
00:30:19,995 --> 00:30:22,125
You know, and, and
that's the give or take.

644
00:30:22,305 --> 00:30:24,465
And that's why dating
can become exhausting.

645
00:30:24,495 --> 00:30:29,955
'cause right now I'm on pause, I'm
on, I, I've deleted all the apps.

646
00:30:29,985 --> 00:30:32,175
I'm waiting until January to restart.

647
00:30:32,385 --> 00:30:35,535
You know, I'm pouring back into me
taking a refresher because I was

648
00:30:35,535 --> 00:30:37,455
ready to start cursing everybody out.

649
00:30:37,485 --> 00:30:39,285
'cause they were just
coming at me left and right.

650
00:30:39,285 --> 00:30:44,085
And, and I try not to try
to be good and kind 'cause I

651
00:30:44,085 --> 00:30:45,555
don't wanna tear nobody down.

652
00:30:45,705 --> 00:30:48,525
So when I feel that bubbling
inside of me, I take breaks.

653
00:30:48,525 --> 00:30:50,745
So I tell people, hate dating breaks.

654
00:30:51,255 --> 00:30:55,995
You need time to breathe because it can
become overwhelming and you get frustrated

655
00:30:55,995 --> 00:30:58,215
because of all of the BS that's going on.

656
00:30:58,215 --> 00:30:59,715
And the BS that you're hearing.

657
00:30:59,715 --> 00:31:01,305
You're just like, oh, I can't stand this.

658
00:31:01,485 --> 00:31:02,085
And then.

659
00:31:02,595 --> 00:31:06,495
If you don't take a break, you may
meet someone who could be the one,

660
00:31:06,585 --> 00:31:10,005
but you're not in that head space
because you automatically think

661
00:31:10,005 --> 00:31:11,535
that they're gonna be like the rest.

662
00:31:12,525 --> 00:31:16,245
So it is always good to, take a
break, take a month or two off.

663
00:31:16,245 --> 00:31:20,145
And honestly it resets the
algorithm of the dating apps.

664
00:31:20,145 --> 00:31:20,370
There you go.

665
00:31:20,445 --> 00:31:23,025
Oh, that makes sense because
the dating apps, it's like the

666
00:31:23,025 --> 00:31:24,075
same thing over and over again.

667
00:31:24,405 --> 00:31:25,155
Yeah, exactly.

668
00:31:25,155 --> 00:31:28,935
But if you take a month off and go
back, it's like, who did new people

669
00:31:29,055 --> 00:31:30,705
move into the area all of a sudden?

670
00:31:31,125 --> 00:31:31,425
You know?

671
00:31:31,605 --> 00:31:36,465
So it it, it's good even just to fool
the algorithm so that you can get

672
00:31:36,465 --> 00:31:39,855
more choices rather than just the
same lame choices over and over again.

673
00:31:40,005 --> 00:31:41,715
And use multiple dating apps.

674
00:31:41,925 --> 00:31:43,275
Use multiple dating apps.

675
00:31:43,305 --> 00:31:46,425
'cause you never know
which ones people are on.

676
00:31:46,735 --> 00:31:49,435
And then of course our situation
is slightly different because we're

677
00:31:49,435 --> 00:31:54,625
talking about dating, but we're talking
about dating in a non-monogamous way.

678
00:31:55,005 --> 00:32:00,375
And so, you know, there's a lot
of people out of our experiences.

679
00:32:00,375 --> 00:32:01,725
A lot of people need your advice.

680
00:32:01,935 --> 00:32:02,235
Yes.

681
00:32:02,895 --> 00:32:06,940
Well, yeah, because it's a thing now on,
on dating apps where you can put that

682
00:32:06,940 --> 00:32:09,370
you're ethic ethically, non-monogamous.

683
00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:09,490
Yeah.

684
00:32:09,700 --> 00:32:14,980
You know, so it, it is something that's
growing that people are more aware of.

685
00:32:15,220 --> 00:32:20,680
And I just feel like a lot of people
the stigma that's attached to it

686
00:32:21,190 --> 00:32:25,270
causes them fear of trying that
and just, you know, because they're

687
00:32:25,270 --> 00:32:26,920
like, oh, I just want one person.

688
00:32:27,190 --> 00:32:31,780
I am a proponent of saying monogamy
is not natural to begin with.

689
00:32:32,140 --> 00:32:32,230
Mm-hmm.

690
00:32:32,260 --> 00:32:35,440
Because if we were a mono, we
would be like the platypus,

691
00:32:36,370 --> 00:32:37,955
one and done and that's it.

692
00:32:38,015 --> 00:32:39,455
We wouldn't be just.

693
00:32:39,845 --> 00:32:43,685
Attracted to anybody else if
monogamy was a natural thing.

694
00:32:43,775 --> 00:32:47,825
And to me, anything you have
to work at is not natural and

695
00:32:47,825 --> 00:32:49,235
you have to work at monogamy.

696
00:32:49,505 --> 00:32:54,605
So it's like just trying to have people
understand that, you know, life flows.

697
00:32:54,605 --> 00:32:58,625
It, it ebbs and flows and you have to
look at life kind of like an amoeba.

698
00:32:59,425 --> 00:33:01,855
It's gonna be ever
changing, ever evolving.

699
00:33:01,905 --> 00:33:05,055
Even your story, you know, you
started off as swingers, then you

700
00:33:05,055 --> 00:33:08,835
were polyamorous, and then you decided
to be ethically non-monogamous.

701
00:33:08,835 --> 00:33:12,555
You know, you kind of just went with
the flow of how you felt in the moment.

702
00:33:12,705 --> 00:33:16,065
And I feel if more people lived like
that, they would just, they would

703
00:33:16,065 --> 00:33:21,315
be happy and stop worrying about
society and what everybody else says.

704
00:33:21,375 --> 00:33:21,555
I

705
00:33:21,555 --> 00:33:25,065
know Ms. Nookie, you are
the voice inside my head.

706
00:33:25,065 --> 00:33:25,335
Lemme tell you.

707
00:33:26,825 --> 00:33:30,865
And just, understand like for
me the process is if you meet

708
00:33:30,865 --> 00:33:34,105
someone and you're in the same
area within an hour of each other.

709
00:33:35,230 --> 00:33:41,950
If a man does not ask me out on a date
within a week to two weeks tops, I'm done.

710
00:33:42,610 --> 00:33:44,440
'cause I need you to be proactive.

711
00:33:44,500 --> 00:33:45,820
I'm here to be proactive.

712
00:33:45,970 --> 00:33:47,380
You need to be proactive too.

713
00:33:47,410 --> 00:33:50,140
Like people need to have that
mindset, that whole thing of

714
00:33:50,290 --> 00:33:51,820
I'm not afraid to walk away.

715
00:33:52,095 --> 00:33:52,215
Yeah.

716
00:33:52,275 --> 00:33:56,745
You have to not be afraid to walk away or
people will st they, they will love bomb

717
00:33:56,745 --> 00:33:59,265
you and they will just string you along.

718
00:33:59,265 --> 00:34:00,705
They will breadcrumb you.

719
00:34:00,885 --> 00:34:10,215
I remember one guy, one guy like we
had initially matched in March and

720
00:34:10,695 --> 00:34:15,405
it was like July and he was like,
Hey, thank you for the compliment.

721
00:34:16,035 --> 00:34:19,155
I was like, dude, March to July.

722
00:34:19,575 --> 00:34:21,435
I wish you the best in
your search for love.

723
00:34:21,435 --> 00:34:22,065
Thank you.

724
00:34:22,215 --> 00:34:24,645
Now, if I was dating from a
space of desperation, I would've

725
00:34:24,645 --> 00:34:26,625
been like, oh, hey, how are you?

726
00:34:27,075 --> 00:34:27,555
No.

727
00:34:27,555 --> 00:34:29,815
You gotta know, know your worth.

728
00:34:29,815 --> 00:34:33,475
Don't let, because that means he done
played with a whole bunch of females.

729
00:34:33,895 --> 00:34:34,045
Yep.

730
00:34:34,555 --> 00:34:37,855
And now he wants to try and
see your worth and your value.

731
00:34:38,065 --> 00:34:40,045
He needs to try and see that upfront.

732
00:34:40,195 --> 00:34:40,675
Yes.

733
00:34:40,675 --> 00:34:40,975
We're

734
00:34:40,975 --> 00:34:42,205
not, we're not.

735
00:34:42,385 --> 00:34:42,685
Mm-hmm.

736
00:34:43,015 --> 00:34:45,085
You're not coming, you're not leaving us.

737
00:34:45,325 --> 00:34:47,395
What if he just hit
pause for a little while,

738
00:34:49,015 --> 00:34:50,395
then say that?

739
00:34:50,905 --> 00:34:52,495
No, I mean, you can say that.

740
00:34:52,555 --> 00:34:56,545
You know, like, like, I, like, I have no
prob like be honest, you know, some, you

741
00:34:56,545 --> 00:35:03,355
know, hey, I was frustrated, so I had
to hit pause and I, I came back and, you

742
00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:06,620
know, I, I went back to, you know, our
discussions that we had and, you know,

743
00:35:06,895 --> 00:35:08,695
I would like to, you know, reconvene.

744
00:35:08,815 --> 00:35:11,215
There's a way, there's a way to do that.

745
00:35:11,335 --> 00:35:13,075
Just like there's a way to spin the block.

746
00:35:14,095 --> 00:35:15,745
It's all in your approach.

747
00:35:15,745 --> 00:35:17,155
You can't just, Hey, what's up?

748
00:35:17,155 --> 00:35:17,755
How you doing?

749
00:35:17,755 --> 00:35:18,655
Let's start this again.

750
00:35:18,655 --> 00:35:19,285
No.

751
00:35:19,795 --> 00:35:24,325
Let me know what caused the
break, and if your story is good

752
00:35:24,325 --> 00:35:27,955
enough, I may say, okay, but
your story has to be good enough.

753
00:35:27,955 --> 00:35:31,435
It has to be, if you're gonna lie,
you have to believe you are lie.

754
00:35:33,415 --> 00:35:34,045
Agreed.

755
00:35:34,585 --> 00:35:38,245
Your story has to be, your
story has to make sense.

756
00:35:38,425 --> 00:35:41,395
Your story cannot make me have 10 quest.

757
00:35:41,395 --> 00:35:46,375
At least if I have like five
questions about your story, then no.

758
00:35:46,435 --> 00:35:49,045
Something about it is,
is, is suspicious to me.

759
00:35:49,045 --> 00:35:49,915
Exactly.

760
00:35:50,215 --> 00:35:54,505
Because like I said, we're adults,
we're mature, we know life happens.

761
00:35:55,015 --> 00:35:55,075
Yeah.

762
00:35:55,075 --> 00:35:56,575
So I'm willing to listen.

763
00:35:56,630 --> 00:36:00,995
I, I, I tell every guy I will say
yes to everything that you say.

764
00:36:00,995 --> 00:36:02,285
Everything that you promise.

765
00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:04,685
I will say yes, because I'm a woman.

766
00:36:04,925 --> 00:36:05,885
I wait for action.

767
00:36:07,175 --> 00:36:08,075
I talk.

768
00:36:08,795 --> 00:36:09,785
They say, talk is cheap.

769
00:36:09,785 --> 00:36:10,955
I will let you talk.

770
00:36:11,225 --> 00:36:14,375
You can promise me the moon,
and until I see you bring me the

771
00:36:14,375 --> 00:36:16,805
moon, you are not saying anything.

772
00:36:17,075 --> 00:36:17,315
Yeah.

773
00:36:17,945 --> 00:36:19,175
Now do you, and that's what people need

774
00:36:19,175 --> 00:36:20,645
to understand actions.

775
00:36:20,645 --> 00:36:24,005
Have you always been like that
or is it in your older ages

776
00:36:24,005 --> 00:36:26,315
that you've finally realized?

777
00:36:27,035 --> 00:36:28,325
In my older age, yes.

778
00:36:28,325 --> 00:36:33,185
You know, like I say, I wasn't taught how
to date, so I was believing everything.

779
00:36:33,275 --> 00:36:33,335
Yeah.

780
00:36:33,335 --> 00:36:36,925
You know, boyfriends that cheated
on me and, and stuff and you

781
00:36:36,925 --> 00:36:38,575
know, I was like, oh, was it me?

782
00:36:38,575 --> 00:36:39,925
What did I do wrong?

783
00:36:39,925 --> 00:36:43,615
And you know, all of this self-loathing
thinking that I'm the problem and

784
00:36:43,615 --> 00:36:48,055
I'm like, you know what I was doing
everything that I was exactly.

785
00:36:48,055 --> 00:36:50,725
I was doing everything
that I was supposed to do.

786
00:36:51,055 --> 00:36:54,805
And when I came to the realization
that at the end of the day

787
00:36:54,835 --> 00:36:56,365
everyone chooses themself.

788
00:36:56,365 --> 00:36:57,510
Oh yeah.

789
00:36:57,775 --> 00:37:01,675
If you really think about it, at the
end of the day, every, so I'm like,

790
00:37:01,825 --> 00:37:05,095
so I need to be selfish and choose me.

791
00:37:05,485 --> 00:37:05,635
Yes.

792
00:37:05,665 --> 00:37:07,405
More than not.

793
00:37:07,705 --> 00:37:07,915
Yeah.

794
00:37:08,065 --> 00:37:11,615
And when I started choosing me,
it's, it, it's that confidence.

795
00:37:12,245 --> 00:37:13,595
It's, it's that confidence.

796
00:37:13,625 --> 00:37:17,945
'cause I've, you know, I've, I've done
things that you're not supposed to do.

797
00:37:18,005 --> 00:37:22,235
You know, I've dealt with, I've dealt
with married men, I don't do that anymore.

798
00:37:22,235 --> 00:37:23,645
But I've, I've done that.

799
00:37:23,975 --> 00:37:28,115
And I was like, well, I was cheating
on without cheating on nobody.

800
00:37:28,115 --> 00:37:29,825
'cause we were like,
karma is karma, really.

801
00:37:29,825 --> 00:37:33,005
Like no one cared about the karma
when they were doing it to me.

802
00:37:33,245 --> 00:37:36,725
And I mean, it's not good to be like,
okay, well I'm just gonna do it back.

803
00:37:36,725 --> 00:37:41,435
But I was living, for me, I
was being my selfish self.

804
00:37:41,795 --> 00:37:46,175
Now I don't do that anymore 'cause
I'm trying to be a better person, but

805
00:37:46,175 --> 00:37:50,855
it's like we all go through stages
and no one is gonna be perfect.

806
00:37:51,020 --> 00:37:56,540
And yes, you're gonna have missteps,
but be able to forgive yourself of those

807
00:37:56,540 --> 00:38:01,580
missteps and know that you can become a
better person no matter what your past is.

808
00:38:02,060 --> 00:38:03,770
That's all of the self-love part.

809
00:38:03,770 --> 00:38:07,220
To get that confidence to
be like, okay, I hear you.

810
00:38:07,550 --> 00:38:11,630
No, that doesn't, something
about that doesn't sound right.

811
00:38:12,020 --> 00:38:12,110
Yeah.

812
00:38:12,110 --> 00:38:14,360
You know, or to say, I hear you.

813
00:38:14,690 --> 00:38:18,980
And you know, sometimes when you talk
to people, you can feel their emotion.

814
00:38:18,980 --> 00:38:19,070
Mm-hmm.

815
00:38:19,460 --> 00:38:21,260
So you know, when they're being genuine.

816
00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:24,770
And that comes with being in
tune with yourself as well.

817
00:38:25,310 --> 00:38:29,630
When you can trust your gut,
truly trust your gut to listen.

818
00:38:29,870 --> 00:38:33,410
And I like to say, hear
what they don't say,

819
00:38:35,420 --> 00:38:37,520
because that's a, that's a big one too.

820
00:38:37,670 --> 00:38:41,840
You know, like you can meet someone and
they'll be like, yeah, I'm divorced and,

821
00:38:41,890 --> 00:38:43,750
and you know, it was a good divorce.

822
00:38:43,750 --> 00:38:46,570
But then they constantly
talk about their ex-wife.

823
00:38:47,380 --> 00:38:49,390
And they're like, I'm over her though.

824
00:38:49,840 --> 00:38:50,770
No, you're not.

825
00:38:50,775 --> 00:38:51,045
You're not.

826
00:38:51,670 --> 00:38:54,430
You know it, listen to
what they're not saying.

827
00:38:54,490 --> 00:38:58,360
If you, if you're truly tapped in, you
can hear what people are not saying,

828
00:38:58,510 --> 00:39:00,550
and that's where the truth lies.

829
00:39:01,060 --> 00:39:05,230
Do you find it hard for, because
you deal with couples and I'm

830
00:39:05,230 --> 00:39:06,880
assuming singles and you know, yes.

831
00:39:07,030 --> 00:39:07,300
Okay.

832
00:39:07,300 --> 00:39:15,250
So do you find it hard for men to
be self-loving or, or understand?

833
00:39:15,250 --> 00:39:16,390
I know us for women, right.

834
00:39:16,390 --> 00:39:17,530
We can talk for ourselves.

835
00:39:17,530 --> 00:39:21,310
And we're both, I'm 47, so we're both
kind of in the same age era, you know?

836
00:39:21,310 --> 00:39:21,370
Yeah.

837
00:39:21,640 --> 00:39:24,965
And we, we've already learned,
we've already been there, done that.

838
00:39:25,595 --> 00:39:29,525
Do you find it harder for men because
I know that they mature a little later

839
00:39:30,125 --> 00:39:31,475
and do you find it harder for them?

840
00:39:32,255 --> 00:39:35,255
It's harder because of toxic masculinity.

841
00:39:36,195 --> 00:39:37,155
That's what it is.

842
00:39:37,155 --> 00:39:42,375
The whole raising, raising your
sons to don't cry and, or, you

843
00:39:42,375 --> 00:39:46,365
know, you are the man of the house
and you know all of that and you

844
00:39:46,365 --> 00:39:47,835
know, you know, you don't hug them.

845
00:39:47,985 --> 00:39:50,295
You're not supposed to hug your,
as a father, you're not supposed

846
00:39:50,295 --> 00:39:52,845
to hug your son or kiss them
on the cheek and all of that.

847
00:39:53,055 --> 00:39:53,565
No.

848
00:39:53,925 --> 00:39:56,055
You know, like, we need to stop that.

849
00:39:56,145 --> 00:39:58,935
And many moons ago I
did a show about that.

850
00:39:59,055 --> 00:40:02,175
And the reason why I did a show about
that, there was a bar that I used

851
00:40:02,175 --> 00:40:07,975
to hang out at when, when I lived in
Baltimore and there was a bartender.

852
00:40:08,075 --> 00:40:11,765
He was homosexual and we were, you
know, I told him, you know, I have a

853
00:40:11,765 --> 00:40:13,805
podcast about sex and relationships.

854
00:40:13,895 --> 00:40:16,895
And he was like, you need to
talk about toxic masculinity.

855
00:40:16,895 --> 00:40:19,805
He said, because I like
to be hugged by my daddy.

856
00:40:20,705 --> 00:40:23,885
He was like, I like to hug my daddy
and I'll kiss my daddy on the cheek.

857
00:40:24,095 --> 00:40:26,045
And people need to understand that.

858
00:40:26,165 --> 00:40:27,515
And that's when I first.

859
00:40:28,145 --> 00:40:29,255
Learned about that.

860
00:40:29,375 --> 00:40:31,595
And you know, that's me
hearing it from a man.

861
00:40:31,835 --> 00:40:36,005
So now when you have men who their
whole entire childhood have told to

862
00:40:36,005 --> 00:40:41,215
be tough and who may not have gotten
a lot of hugs and love, it's hard for

863
00:40:41,215 --> 00:40:45,055
them to see a woman and be vulnerable.

864
00:40:45,975 --> 00:40:49,425
And then for me, as a love,
like I, I tell men all the time,

865
00:40:49,425 --> 00:40:52,065
like, I am so in your corner.

866
00:40:52,095 --> 00:40:55,965
'cause a lot of women sometimes are just
on some bs, you know what I'm saying?

867
00:40:55,995 --> 00:40:57,315
And they, and they like to use men.

868
00:40:57,495 --> 00:41:01,575
I'm like, because there are so
many good men out there that

869
00:41:01,575 --> 00:41:03,225
women just don't appreciate.

870
00:41:03,585 --> 00:41:07,005
And they just, and a lot of men
just don't have, have outlets.

871
00:41:07,005 --> 00:41:10,545
Like there are men that I've met
while dating and maybe it may

872
00:41:10,545 --> 00:41:12,465
not work out with me and them.

873
00:41:12,465 --> 00:41:15,555
And, and I'll say, can you
please do a masterclass for men?

874
00:41:15,615 --> 00:41:19,605
Can you start like having a discussion
and they're like, oh, I can do a podcast.

875
00:41:19,605 --> 00:41:20,235
No.

876
00:41:20,445 --> 00:41:25,185
Do something small and intimate where,
you know, men and young men and men

877
00:41:25,185 --> 00:41:28,275
can come and just talk about issues.

878
00:41:29,145 --> 00:41:31,845
You know, talk about the way
they're feeling, talk about the

879
00:41:31,845 --> 00:41:33,885
way their woman made them feel.

880
00:41:33,945 --> 00:41:34,515
You know what I'm saying?

881
00:41:34,515 --> 00:41:38,355
Because sometimes women, our
tongues are like, cutlasses.

882
00:41:38,895 --> 00:41:39,645
Yes.

883
00:41:39,945 --> 00:41:41,805
I'm raising three boys, girl.

884
00:41:41,805 --> 00:41:42,645
I'm raising three boys.

885
00:41:43,935 --> 00:41:44,625
I have a son.

886
00:41:45,525 --> 00:41:48,915
They're very, um, they're, they
know their mama's very strong.

887
00:41:48,945 --> 00:41:51,495
And I don't undermine my husband.

888
00:41:51,495 --> 00:41:54,490
We're very even, you know, I
mean, he's the man of the house.

889
00:41:54,490 --> 00:41:54,650
Mm-hmm.

890
00:41:54,730 --> 00:41:55,675
I'm the woman of the house.

891
00:41:55,755 --> 00:41:58,245
But yeah, that is very,
that's a, that really hits

892
00:41:58,245 --> 00:42:00,855
Well, toxic masculinity is a
big topic in and of itself.

893
00:42:00,855 --> 00:42:00,975
It is.

894
00:42:00,975 --> 00:42:03,375
Especially in this, in
this realm that we're in.

895
00:42:03,645 --> 00:42:03,765
Yeah.

896
00:42:03,795 --> 00:42:09,115
Uh, you know, I've, I've had, my sexuality
question just because I am the way

897
00:42:09,115 --> 00:42:11,065
I am, you know, I, I run vulnerable.

898
00:42:11,110 --> 00:42:13,105
I, I have no problems
opening up and being.

899
00:42:13,435 --> 00:42:14,515
I'm very honest.

900
00:42:14,665 --> 00:42:14,815
Yeah.

901
00:42:14,815 --> 00:42:18,025
And so if there's something I need
to say to somebody, I'm gonna say it.

902
00:42:18,355 --> 00:42:23,220
And if I think somebody's, you know,
doing an awesome job, I'm gonna tell

903
00:42:23,220 --> 00:42:24,780
'em, Hey, you're doing an amazing job.

904
00:42:24,780 --> 00:42:24,960
You know?

905
00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:25,200
Yeah.

906
00:42:25,260 --> 00:42:30,420
I'm gonna come out and I'm gonna say
things that most people have forgotten.

907
00:42:30,480 --> 00:42:32,520
It's okay to say other.

908
00:42:32,520 --> 00:42:35,610
And that's, and that's the, and,
and, and, and that's the problem.

909
00:42:35,610 --> 00:42:39,150
Like, like if someone is, is questioning
your sexuality because of what you're

910
00:42:39,150 --> 00:42:43,690
doing more than likely they're afraid
to be as open and free as, as you.

911
00:42:43,690 --> 00:42:45,310
And, and, and that's what it is.

912
00:42:45,550 --> 00:42:49,720
And, and it could take just a
simple conversation to be like,

913
00:42:50,050 --> 00:42:52,690
Hey, do you wanna talk about this?

914
00:42:52,720 --> 00:42:55,990
But it's just getting men to feel safe.

915
00:42:56,110 --> 00:43:01,180
It's creating a safe space for a
man to be open about his feelings.

916
00:43:01,240 --> 00:43:04,720
And there's not enough of
that in society right now.

917
00:43:04,720 --> 00:43:08,830
Safe spaces for men to be
vulnerable because you guys

918
00:43:08,830 --> 00:43:10,750
have emotions just like us.

919
00:43:11,125 --> 00:43:14,035
And like, like I said,
women, our tongues are cuts.

920
00:43:14,305 --> 00:43:20,215
I know I can tear a man down, but I
never will because I don't want to add

921
00:43:20,425 --> 00:43:22,675
to what society is already doing to you.

922
00:43:23,435 --> 00:43:26,705
'Cause you need, you deserve a safe space.

923
00:43:27,065 --> 00:43:31,235
And it's just, I just think there
need to be more men's groups and

924
00:43:31,265 --> 00:43:32,555
especially start these groups.

925
00:43:32,555 --> 00:43:37,145
You know, you have your boys,
like my son, he is going to

926
00:43:37,145 --> 00:43:39,245
be an amazing husband someday.

927
00:43:39,605 --> 00:43:42,995
I mean, he'll, he'll come and
check on me, mom, are you okay?

928
00:43:43,325 --> 00:43:46,835
If he's out and about like when he was in
school, if he stayed after school and got

929
00:43:46,835 --> 00:43:49,895
like candies or something, he was like,
mom, I know you like m and m, so I brought

930
00:43:49,895 --> 00:43:52,115
you m and ms. Like simple stuff like that.

931
00:43:52,175 --> 00:43:55,715
He'll hold the door, if he's, if,
if he's not feeling good, I'll

932
00:43:55,715 --> 00:43:57,515
ask him what's wrong, talk to me.

933
00:43:58,085 --> 00:44:01,415
And he knows how to stand up for himself.

934
00:44:01,810 --> 00:44:05,480
You know, and he knows how to be soft with
women and he knows how to be soft with

935
00:44:05,480 --> 00:44:09,980
children, you know, and it's just creating
that to let him know he knows that he's

936
00:44:09,980 --> 00:44:15,830
strong and he knows when to puff up his
chest, and he knows when to be soft.

937
00:44:16,100 --> 00:44:19,190
And I don't think it's, it's
something that's hard to teach.

938
00:44:19,340 --> 00:44:21,080
It's just not being taught.

939
00:44:21,175 --> 00:44:21,465
Yeah.

940
00:44:21,470 --> 00:44:21,740
Yeah.

941
00:44:21,795 --> 00:44:22,030
It's not.

942
00:44:22,220 --> 00:44:25,190
I raised my kids to be, uh,
affectionate because I wasn't

943
00:44:25,190 --> 00:44:26,030
affectionate with my father.

944
00:44:26,390 --> 00:44:26,510
Yeah.

945
00:44:26,515 --> 00:44:26,585
Mm-hmm.

946
00:44:26,635 --> 00:44:30,085
We, he didn't tell me I, that
he loved me and stuff like that.

947
00:44:30,085 --> 00:44:32,995
And I wanted to make sure it
raised my kids to know it's okay.

948
00:44:33,265 --> 00:44:35,630
See, and so it's a
different household for us.

949
00:44:35,780 --> 00:44:36,080
It is.

950
00:44:36,080 --> 00:44:40,525
But I will say that, that toxic
masculinity plays a, a large

951
00:44:40,525 --> 00:44:42,595
part in, uh, the lifestyle.

952
00:44:42,595 --> 00:44:43,525
In the lifestyle.

953
00:44:44,215 --> 00:44:44,425
Goodness.

954
00:44:44,425 --> 00:44:44,465
We see it often.

955
00:44:44,465 --> 00:44:44,720
Oh my goodness.

956
00:44:44,910 --> 00:44:45,200
Yeah.

957
00:44:45,380 --> 00:44:46,585
We see it a lot.

958
00:44:46,635 --> 00:44:50,765
It's it is a really, especially
if there's a bisexual man he

959
00:44:50,765 --> 00:44:52,625
feels like he can't be himself.

960
00:44:52,625 --> 00:44:54,995
He can't come out, he can't talk about it.

961
00:44:54,995 --> 00:44:55,205
Yeah.

962
00:44:55,205 --> 00:44:57,035
And, and then also on another.

963
00:44:57,755 --> 00:44:58,685
Torrent of it.

964
00:44:59,195 --> 00:45:04,755
We have single males who refer to
themselves as bulls who will come in and

965
00:45:04,755 --> 00:45:12,825
they'll, their whole, I guess their whole
job is to have sex with a hot wife in

966
00:45:12,825 --> 00:45:14,325
front of the husband, that sort of thing.

967
00:45:14,385 --> 00:45:16,155
And this is, this is what they do.

968
00:45:16,215 --> 00:45:23,295
And a lot of these cats are very
disrespectful at times to husbands.

969
00:45:23,295 --> 00:45:26,205
I've seen them a lot of times walk
in like their cock of the walk,

970
00:45:26,205 --> 00:45:29,210
you know, and they puff in their
chest and ego, they're ego driven.

971
00:45:29,280 --> 00:45:29,570
Yeah.

972
00:45:29,575 --> 00:45:32,295
And I don't know how many times she's
been said, Hey, you know, I'm gonna,

973
00:45:32,715 --> 00:45:34,065
I'm gonna take care of you so good.

974
00:45:34,065 --> 00:45:35,865
You're not gonna want to
go back to your husband.

975
00:45:35,865 --> 00:45:36,745
And just like, all sorts of stuff.

976
00:45:36,745 --> 00:45:37,395
And, and then that's where I

977
00:45:37,395 --> 00:45:39,105
can cut the man very quickly.

978
00:45:39,105 --> 00:45:40,635
So that's where I bring that out.

979
00:45:40,635 --> 00:45:41,745
I'm like, no, no, no, no.

980
00:45:42,225 --> 00:45:46,605
So there are times when I have to do that,
but it's very, it is, um, that machismo,

981
00:45:47,025 --> 00:45:52,935
especially with Latinos, they, those
men, they're like, we're real machismo.

982
00:45:52,935 --> 00:45:53,985
We're, we're the men.

983
00:45:53,985 --> 00:45:54,165
And.

984
00:45:54,600 --> 00:45:56,760
It's like they feel as if
they have something to prove.

985
00:45:56,765 --> 00:45:56,965
Yeah.

986
00:45:57,990 --> 00:45:58,050
Yeah.

987
00:45:58,050 --> 00:45:58,680
And, and, and, and that's the problem.

988
00:45:58,860 --> 00:46:03,460
Like, like these spaces, the, the
lifestyle spaces they're not, they're

989
00:46:03,460 --> 00:46:07,590
not structured, you know, like,
like, like I used to have, um, a

990
00:46:07,590 --> 00:46:11,650
BDSM family that I used to, you know,
have fun with and stuff like that.

991
00:46:11,650 --> 00:46:15,920
It, it, it's not structured, you know,
it's not that it's not normal society.

992
00:46:15,920 --> 00:46:16,700
It's different.

993
00:46:16,730 --> 00:46:18,770
It, you're, you're the
hold machismo in there.

994
00:46:18,950 --> 00:46:20,720
That's it's, it's all ego.

995
00:46:20,865 --> 00:46:21,155
Yeah.

996
00:46:21,260 --> 00:46:21,410
Yeah.

997
00:46:21,410 --> 00:46:22,310
It's all ego.

998
00:46:22,520 --> 00:46:27,540
And you've probably, you know, broken
down so many egos, by being, no, because

999
00:46:27,690 --> 00:46:32,430
sometimes you gotta check a man's ego,
especially in, in, in that environment.

1000
00:46:32,730 --> 00:46:36,840
They need to be checked, like,
Hey, we don't do that BS over here.

1001
00:46:37,050 --> 00:46:41,400
And, and, and let them know that, you
know, it's okay to be soft, but it

1002
00:46:41,400 --> 00:46:43,650
just makes me wonder what is going on.

1003
00:46:44,055 --> 00:46:47,805
On other aspects of their life that
they feel the need to, you know,

1004
00:46:47,805 --> 00:46:53,245
be that big dog in such a, a, a
curated space that's, you know,

1005
00:46:53,245 --> 00:46:55,495
for a different type of mentality.

1006
00:46:55,765 --> 00:46:59,095
Because, you know, it's the, like
I said, the lifestyle, any form of

1007
00:46:59,095 --> 00:47:00,985
lifestyle, it's not for everybody.

1008
00:47:01,045 --> 00:47:01,304
Right.

1009
00:47:01,604 --> 00:47:06,359
And like, I, I feel some people just
use it for ego, like in BDSM when you

1010
00:47:06,359 --> 00:47:13,139
have like the sadist, are you a true
sadist that's going to give the aftercare

1011
00:47:13,319 --> 00:47:15,449
and make sure that, that they're good?

1012
00:47:15,599 --> 00:47:19,779
Are you the sadist that just
wants to, beat on someone?

1013
00:47:20,529 --> 00:47:20,889
Yeah.

1014
00:47:21,039 --> 00:47:21,279
Why?

1015
00:47:21,279 --> 00:47:22,054
You know, talk

1016
00:47:22,054 --> 00:47:22,334
about that.

1017
00:47:22,479 --> 00:47:22,929
Yeah.

1018
00:47:22,979 --> 00:47:25,929
It's a it's, it's, it's a, it's
a big thing and you know, it,

1019
00:47:26,089 --> 00:47:27,949
it's a true, it's a true dynamic.

1020
00:47:28,159 --> 00:47:29,869
Why are you doing this?

1021
00:47:30,049 --> 00:47:33,259
Do you want them to feel
that, that sweet pain?

1022
00:47:33,409 --> 00:47:35,059
Or do you just want to inflict pain?

1023
00:47:36,004 --> 00:47:37,024
There's a difference.

1024
00:47:37,024 --> 00:47:37,084
Yeah.

1025
00:47:37,234 --> 00:47:37,624
That I see.

1026
00:47:38,164 --> 00:47:41,734
Especially in that connection between,
you know, like a, a sub and a dom.

1027
00:47:41,989 --> 00:47:46,054
I, I, I say it's, it like watching
a sub and a dom truly play.

1028
00:47:46,264 --> 00:47:51,364
It's, it's, it's a, there's a dark
beauty to it, you know, there, it,

1029
00:47:51,364 --> 00:47:55,654
it, there's a dark beauty in, in
watching a true dynamic like that.

1030
00:47:55,864 --> 00:48:00,754
And not every sadist has the
capacity for that dark beauty.

1031
00:48:01,084 --> 00:48:03,214
They only have the
capacity for the darkness.

1032
00:48:03,574 --> 00:48:03,934
Yes.

1033
00:48:04,144 --> 00:48:07,744
Now, you know, I'm, I'm curious
about something, uh, going

1034
00:48:07,984 --> 00:48:09,844
to Ms. Nookie and dating.

1035
00:48:10,444 --> 00:48:14,494
Would you say that
chivalry is still alive?

1036
00:48:14,894 --> 00:48:15,064
Yes.

1037
00:48:15,204 --> 00:48:16,504
And, and with Yes.

1038
00:48:16,504 --> 00:48:16,689
Yes, yes.

1039
00:48:16,899 --> 00:48:20,349
It's kind of a two-parter actually,
because you know, obviously you're,

1040
00:48:20,349 --> 00:48:24,249
you're a very strong and independent
woman, and I've, I've run into.

1041
00:48:24,609 --> 00:48:28,149
Strong, independent women
who don't care for chivalrous

1042
00:48:28,149 --> 00:48:29,469
actions like opening the door.

1043
00:48:29,469 --> 00:48:32,409
I was raised to do all that
stuff, but I've been told not to.

1044
00:48:32,409 --> 00:48:32,559
They're too

1045
00:48:32,799 --> 00:48:34,509
much in their masculine energy.

1046
00:48:34,689 --> 00:48:35,169
Okay?

1047
00:48:35,194 --> 00:48:35,394
Okay.

1048
00:48:35,469 --> 00:48:39,579
That's why I said you have to like,
because I'm, you know, being a

1049
00:48:39,579 --> 00:48:43,059
single mom, I've, I've been that
person where like guys have been

1050
00:48:43,059 --> 00:48:44,139
like, don't you touch that door?

1051
00:48:44,139 --> 00:48:50,019
And I'm like, I'm sorry, you know, but
it's like in the way that I vet, I can

1052
00:48:50,019 --> 00:48:54,279
say like, I have been meeting amazing
men who won't let me touch a door.

1053
00:48:54,429 --> 00:48:55,749
I can't touch a car door.

1054
00:48:55,749 --> 00:48:58,599
I can't touch a, a, a a, a regular door.

1055
00:48:58,599 --> 00:49:01,209
And they just make me feel so soft.

1056
00:49:02,139 --> 00:49:05,649
And it's once I slowed
down and just said, okay.

1057
00:49:06,474 --> 00:49:10,284
Just let him, let him do what he wants.

1058
00:49:10,344 --> 00:49:11,814
Let him do what he needs to do.

1059
00:49:12,294 --> 00:49:14,934
I'm just gonna sit here
and feminine energy.

1060
00:49:14,934 --> 00:49:16,404
It's the energy of receiving.

1061
00:49:16,824 --> 00:49:19,314
And that's what more
women need to realize.

1062
00:49:19,464 --> 00:49:19,764
You know?

1063
00:49:19,764 --> 00:49:24,084
Yes, you can have your own business,
and in that world, be that boss.

1064
00:49:24,234 --> 00:49:25,404
You need that structure.

1065
00:49:25,404 --> 00:49:27,384
You need that masculine energy.

1066
00:49:27,684 --> 00:49:32,484
But at home and in a
relationship, slow it down.

1067
00:49:32,544 --> 00:49:33,264
Be soft.

1068
00:49:33,474 --> 00:49:34,764
Let him treat you.

1069
00:49:34,764 --> 00:49:36,924
Let him, you know, let him pamper you.

1070
00:49:36,924 --> 00:49:38,094
Let him love on you.

1071
00:49:38,094 --> 00:49:40,654
Accept what he's trying to give you.

1072
00:49:43,619 --> 00:49:45,819
I, I'm very, I've been trying
to give to you for a while.

1073
00:49:46,849 --> 00:49:51,294
I've never been a single parent, but I
am a very, in, my dad raised a tomboy.

1074
00:49:51,294 --> 00:49:52,764
I'm a very independent woman.

1075
00:49:52,884 --> 00:49:52,944
Yeah.

1076
00:49:53,184 --> 00:49:59,124
I am the woman that says, you are,
you're with me and you're beside me.

1077
00:49:59,124 --> 00:49:59,814
Or.

1078
00:50:00,174 --> 00:50:01,344
I could do this by myself.

1079
00:50:01,374 --> 00:50:02,699
And I, sometimes you'll do it by yourself.

1080
00:50:02,934 --> 00:50:03,954
I don't need anybody.

1081
00:50:03,954 --> 00:50:07,324
And so I, I have to remember
that, that it's a very rare,

1082
00:50:08,104 --> 00:50:08,434
yeah.

1083
00:50:08,439 --> 00:50:09,009
I'm hard.

1084
00:50:09,009 --> 00:50:10,564
I'm hard, hard.

1085
00:50:10,564 --> 00:50:14,884
I, listen, I started getting my nails
done just so I could be more feminine.

1086
00:50:15,184 --> 00:50:15,454
Yeah.

1087
00:50:15,454 --> 00:50:19,354
Because I don't open, I
don't open cans anymore.

1088
00:50:19,774 --> 00:50:20,764
Something that simple.

1089
00:50:20,764 --> 00:50:20,824
Yeah.

1090
00:50:21,724 --> 00:50:23,134
I do not open cans anymore.

1091
00:50:23,134 --> 00:50:26,944
If it's a can of something, either
my son or whatever man is, can

1092
00:50:26,944 --> 00:50:28,414
you open this for me please?

1093
00:50:28,904 --> 00:50:33,314
That made it, it made me more
feminine rather than just, you

1094
00:50:33,314 --> 00:50:38,234
know, so I had to do things to,
to put me in that feminine energy.

1095
00:50:38,319 --> 00:50:38,779
And it doesn't

1096
00:50:38,839 --> 00:50:40,364
So that, and it, it's,

1097
00:50:40,634 --> 00:50:41,684
it doesn't take away, I'm sorry.

1098
00:50:41,744 --> 00:50:43,514
It doesn't take away
from your independence.

1099
00:50:43,514 --> 00:50:44,384
It doesn't take away from your, it

1100
00:50:44,384 --> 00:50:45,854
doesn't, it doesn't.

1101
00:50:45,974 --> 00:50:48,704
And also, men have a hero complex.

1102
00:50:49,694 --> 00:50:51,734
They want to know that they're needed.

1103
00:50:52,724 --> 00:50:53,264
Yeah, totally.

1104
00:50:53,264 --> 00:50:53,274
Like.

1105
00:50:54,134 --> 00:50:58,554
Next time you're out ask a stranger to
open a can and see how excited he gets

1106
00:50:58,554 --> 00:51:00,114
that you ask him to open a can of soda.

1107
00:51:00,444 --> 00:51:01,194
It's amazing.

1108
00:51:01,764 --> 00:51:02,994
I do it on purpose all the time.

1109
00:51:03,064 --> 00:51:03,574
Just to see.

1110
00:51:03,844 --> 00:51:05,404
Let me tell you what you just said.

1111
00:51:05,409 --> 00:51:08,254
And I, and my little
brain said I don't care.

1112
00:51:08,374 --> 00:51:11,164
You said to have a, that's the mindset

1113
00:51:11,224 --> 00:51:11,374
change.

1114
00:51:12,379 --> 00:51:12,759
You said

1115
00:51:12,779 --> 00:51:13,894
men have to be heroes.

1116
00:51:13,894 --> 00:51:17,324
And I'm like, I don't, I don't
need them to be a hero for

1117
00:51:17,384 --> 00:51:17,604
me.

1118
00:51:19,159 --> 00:51:19,979
And, but no, you are.

1119
00:51:19,979 --> 00:51:20,249
Right.

1120
00:51:20,249 --> 00:51:21,179
Because, and that's what it is.

1121
00:51:21,389 --> 00:51:22,619
But you, you start by

1122
00:51:22,619 --> 00:51:23,999
giving them little things to do.

1123
00:51:24,074 --> 00:51:24,254
Yes.

1124
00:51:24,584 --> 00:51:27,224
'
cause yeah, I mean, I
will YouTube anything.

1125
00:51:27,384 --> 00:51:28,614
I had a old car.

1126
00:51:28,854 --> 00:51:31,284
I YouTubed how to change the brake lights.

1127
00:51:31,344 --> 00:51:35,814
I YouTubed everything rather than,
rather than ask somebody, I remember

1128
00:51:35,814 --> 00:51:40,344
one time I was at a gas station
putting air in my tire and a man

1129
00:51:40,344 --> 00:51:41,694
came over and said, can I help you?

1130
00:51:41,694 --> 00:51:42,744
I said, nah, I'm good.

1131
00:51:42,744 --> 00:51:43,434
I don't need your help.

1132
00:51:44,244 --> 00:51:46,749
And when I got in the car, I was like.

1133
00:51:48,789 --> 00:51:50,349
Why didn't you just let him help you?

1134
00:51:50,349 --> 00:51:54,409
I know, he, it was a nice, and I
mean, I literally, nah, I'm good,

1135
00:51:54,419 --> 00:51:57,269
just mean enough for no reason.

1136
00:51:57,419 --> 00:52:01,379
And I was like, you can't keep
doing this, you know, except help.

1137
00:52:01,889 --> 00:52:02,669
Feminine energy.

1138
00:52:02,669 --> 00:52:04,259
It's the energy of receiving.

1139
00:52:04,499 --> 00:52:09,419
So I, it's just being more mindful
about, mindful asking for the little

1140
00:52:09,419 --> 00:52:13,319
things, and then eventually you'll
be able to ask for help with the

1141
00:52:13,319 --> 00:52:15,659
big, remember, small mindset changes.

1142
00:52:16,109 --> 00:52:16,809
Fine, fine,

1143
00:52:16,894 --> 00:52:17,184
fine.

1144
00:52:18,119 --> 00:52:19,269
I believe in you, Pris.

1145
00:52:19,289 --> 00:52:20,039
You can do it.

1146
00:52:20,039 --> 00:52:21,029
I believe in you.

1147
00:52:21,029 --> 00:52:21,929
Baby steps.

1148
00:52:21,929 --> 00:52:22,739
Little baby steps.

1149
00:52:22,889 --> 00:52:27,449
You know, I always say we started this
podcast and as we've taken on guests,

1150
00:52:27,479 --> 00:52:29,549
she's like, that was a really good guest.

1151
00:52:29,549 --> 00:52:30,719
I learned a lot from them.

1152
00:52:30,719 --> 00:52:34,079
And I'm like, oh, you know, this is our
own form of therapy sometimes, you know,

1153
00:52:34,109 --> 00:52:37,119
well, you know, because I'm
such a I stay in my own head.

1154
00:52:37,509 --> 00:52:39,549
I am, I, I make my own little ground.

1155
00:52:39,579 --> 00:52:41,619
Like this is me and this is
how you're gonna take me.

1156
00:52:42,279 --> 00:52:44,169
I have to remember that it's not that way.

1157
00:52:44,169 --> 00:52:45,759
Like we all, and it's two

1158
00:52:45,759 --> 00:52:46,269
people.

1159
00:52:46,449 --> 00:52:48,969
You have to accept someone
else into your life.

1160
00:52:49,079 --> 00:52:50,639
No, we've had this conversation before.

1161
00:52:50,729 --> 00:52:50,969
Oh

1162
00:52:50,969 --> 00:52:51,299
God,

1163
00:52:52,529 --> 00:52:53,459
don't break a nail

1164
00:52:53,459 --> 00:52:53,759
putting

1165
00:52:53,759 --> 00:52:54,869
gas in my car.

1166
00:52:57,544 --> 00:52:59,789
This conversation before
your cans, baby don't.

1167
00:52:59,789 --> 00:53:02,549
Hey, you know I made
rice for dinner tonight.

1168
00:53:02,549 --> 00:53:02,909
Yes, he did.

1169
00:53:02,909 --> 00:53:03,269
He cooked.

1170
00:53:03,809 --> 00:53:04,859
I cooked part of the dinner.

1171
00:53:04,864 --> 00:53:05,234
Dinner.

1172
00:53:05,549 --> 00:53:06,539
I cooked half the dinner.

1173
00:53:06,809 --> 00:53:07,529
I did some stuff.

1174
00:53:07,529 --> 00:53:07,799
See, there you go.

1175
00:53:08,519 --> 00:53:09,269
Helping each other

1176
00:53:11,039 --> 00:53:14,554
now Ms. Nookie, I've got one, one
last question before we wrap up here.

1177
00:53:14,554 --> 00:53:18,059
Something I'm kind, kind of curious
about as far as the lifestyle is

1178
00:53:18,059 --> 00:53:21,989
concerned, if someone in the lifestyle
says, we are great at the fun part,

1179
00:53:22,469 --> 00:53:26,849
but not great at talking about the
hard stuff, what's the first baby

1180
00:53:26,849 --> 00:53:28,889
step you'd recommend that they take?

1181
00:53:31,169 --> 00:53:35,219
The first thing I would say,
well write down what you can't

1182
00:53:35,219 --> 00:53:37,019
say and give it to your partner.

1183
00:53:37,919 --> 00:53:38,819
Write it down.

1184
00:53:39,149 --> 00:53:43,169
Both of you write down the things
that you can't say and exchange

1185
00:53:43,169 --> 00:53:48,449
those papers and sit with those
papers for let's say a day or two.

1186
00:53:49,739 --> 00:53:52,559
And then see what you see.

1187
00:53:52,619 --> 00:53:58,649
See what you want to talk about
together and know that what you're

1188
00:53:58,649 --> 00:54:00,269
writing is how you're feeling.

1189
00:54:00,539 --> 00:54:02,609
And both of you are going to listen.

1190
00:54:02,609 --> 00:54:05,789
You're gonna hold space for
when that person is talking.

1191
00:54:05,999 --> 00:54:09,269
You are gonna listen to understand
and not listen to respond.

1192
00:54:10,499 --> 00:54:13,019
'cause that's the way to
effectively communicate.

1193
00:54:13,229 --> 00:54:14,909
Listen to understand.

1194
00:54:15,359 --> 00:54:21,269
You cannot, like, don't, you cannot
invalidate what your partner feels.

1195
00:54:22,979 --> 00:54:24,389
'cause that's that, that's the key.

1196
00:54:24,539 --> 00:54:26,009
Well, I feel like you're not doing this.

1197
00:54:26,189 --> 00:54:27,119
You can't feel that way.

1198
00:54:27,119 --> 00:54:28,084
I did da, da, da da.

1199
00:54:28,229 --> 00:54:29,819
That's the worst thing to say.

1200
00:54:29,819 --> 00:54:31,559
You have to hold space for them.

1201
00:54:31,739 --> 00:54:36,179
Let them know that you hear them
and you want to work through it.

1202
00:54:36,704 --> 00:54:40,304
If you truly love each other,
you will hold that space.

1203
00:54:40,604 --> 00:54:45,014
Now, if, if I tell you to do this
and you can't do it, then maybe you

1204
00:54:45,014 --> 00:54:48,494
guys aren't suited to be together
because you don't care enough about

1205
00:54:48,494 --> 00:54:50,594
each other to actually listen.

1206
00:54:51,254 --> 00:54:52,274
'cause that's what that is.

1207
00:54:52,454 --> 00:54:56,834
It's being brave enough to know
that you're being heard and

1208
00:54:56,834 --> 00:54:58,964
everyone wants to be heard.

1209
00:54:58,964 --> 00:55:02,984
You're being heard and
you're being understood.

1210
00:55:03,344 --> 00:55:07,784
And, you know, that's the
vulnerability part of relationships

1211
00:55:07,784 --> 00:55:10,274
that's very scary for both people.

1212
00:55:10,424 --> 00:55:11,114
Very scary.

1213
00:55:11,114 --> 00:55:18,304
You know, I'm, I'm a super strong person,
so it takes a lot for me to ask for help

1214
00:55:18,394 --> 00:55:22,414
even, and like, 'cause you know, if I
ask you for help and you tell me no,

1215
00:55:22,564 --> 00:55:25,144
I'm like, well, shit, I could've done it
my damn self, you know what I'm saying?

1216
00:55:25,144 --> 00:55:28,144
Like, what's the, you know,
so I gotta get out of my head.

1217
00:55:28,354 --> 00:55:33,304
But when I, when you get me to a space
where I feel like I can depend on you.

1218
00:55:34,264 --> 00:55:37,924
And I can ask for help or I can
say, you know, I really didn't like

1219
00:55:37,924 --> 00:55:41,194
when you did this and know that
it's not gonna cause an argument.

1220
00:55:42,304 --> 00:55:43,764
And then I'm the same way.

1221
00:55:43,954 --> 00:55:46,114
I can't invalidate your truth.

1222
00:55:47,194 --> 00:55:48,034
That's what it is.

1223
00:55:48,034 --> 00:55:52,684
We gotta stop trying to invalidate someone
else's truth, someone else's feelings.

1224
00:55:52,924 --> 00:55:57,214
We need to understand them and say,
okay, I hear that you feel this way.

1225
00:55:57,724 --> 00:56:00,844
What can I do to make you feel better?

1226
00:56:01,804 --> 00:56:03,094
What can I do?

1227
00:56:03,424 --> 00:56:06,179
I, I will try my best
to not do this again.

1228
00:56:06,599 --> 00:56:08,549
'cause we're not perfect.

1229
00:56:08,939 --> 00:56:12,599
We may mess up, we may forget and,
and, you know, do that thing again.

1230
00:56:12,899 --> 00:56:17,249
But if I do it again, tell me in the
moment that I, that I did it, and I

1231
00:56:17,249 --> 00:56:19,919
will apologize and I will try not to.

1232
00:56:20,339 --> 00:56:22,649
Now that story shouldn't
have worked forever.

1233
00:56:22,649 --> 00:56:27,839
You can't keep messing up 10, 10
times, you know, maybe once or twice.

1234
00:56:28,259 --> 00:56:30,029
After the third time, that's a pattern.

1235
00:56:30,629 --> 00:56:33,149
And that person could be taken
advantage of you thinking that,

1236
00:56:33,419 --> 00:56:35,879
oh, all I gotta do is say sorry,
and they're just gonna forgive me.

1237
00:56:35,879 --> 00:56:36,629
I'm gonna come back.

1238
00:56:36,779 --> 00:56:37,619
We're not doing that.

1239
00:56:37,979 --> 00:56:38,729
You know what I'm saying?

1240
00:56:38,969 --> 00:56:43,889
But it's, it's just, it's knowing, being
genuine with people and just being open

1241
00:56:43,889 --> 00:56:48,699
to hearing, hearing things that you don't
wanna hear about yourself, when you,

1242
00:56:48,729 --> 00:56:50,289
I really don't like when you do this.

1243
00:56:50,289 --> 00:56:55,059
And that may be something that you
love to do and understand, okay, I

1244
00:56:55,059 --> 00:56:59,049
know that I love to do it, but you
don't like to do it so I won't do it.

1245
00:56:59,049 --> 00:57:01,449
Or, you know, can I do
it maybe once in a while?

1246
00:57:01,479 --> 00:57:02,709
'cause you know, I really like it.

1247
00:57:02,829 --> 00:57:05,539
You know, it's really those
type it's a negotiation.

1248
00:57:05,869 --> 00:57:07,009
It's a negotiation.

1249
00:57:07,249 --> 00:57:14,839
Be really to any relationship requires
negotiation, reciprocity, negotiation.

1250
00:57:15,199 --> 00:57:18,979
And I think that's part of the
problem with dating people.

1251
00:57:19,189 --> 00:57:22,639
They, because I, I tell
people about a list I say.

1252
00:57:23,629 --> 00:57:25,399
Your list should be in three forms.

1253
00:57:25,399 --> 00:57:26,899
I tell, I tell people to get a notebook.

1254
00:57:27,349 --> 00:57:31,609
The first one, the characteristics
of the person that you want, the

1255
00:57:31,609 --> 00:57:34,999
type of relationship that you want
with this person, and the most

1256
00:57:34,999 --> 00:57:38,209
important one, how are you gonna
show up for the relationship?

1257
00:57:38,599 --> 00:57:41,479
Because a lot of people I want,
want, want, want, want, want, want.

1258
00:57:41,959 --> 00:57:42,949
Well, what are you gonna do?

1259
00:57:44,259 --> 00:57:45,159
And then it's crickets.

1260
00:57:45,159 --> 00:57:47,829
They don't know just what
they're gonna do because they

1261
00:57:47,829 --> 00:57:49,869
only think about what they want.

1262
00:57:50,139 --> 00:57:58,539
So it's, it's knowing that it's a whole
other person and you're both different.

1263
00:57:59,409 --> 00:58:02,439
You have to be willing to give
up some things and you have to

1264
00:58:02,439 --> 00:58:03,909
be willing to give some things.

1265
00:58:04,119 --> 00:58:09,579
And that's the key to a successful
anything is knowing that it's a

1266
00:58:09,579 --> 00:58:12,519
negotiation and it's not all one way.

1267
00:58:12,789 --> 00:58:17,529
And that things we change what you agreed
to two years ago, you may talk about

1268
00:58:17,529 --> 00:58:22,839
it and it's gonna change in five years
because we grow, our weight fluctuates.

1269
00:58:22,929 --> 00:58:26,259
So why do we think that our
relationship didn't fluctuate?

1270
00:58:26,349 --> 00:58:28,449
Why wouldn't we think
that things would change?

1271
00:58:28,539 --> 00:58:33,404
It's impossible to think that person
or you are going to be the same for.

1272
00:58:34,124 --> 00:58:35,084
It's just impossible.

1273
00:58:35,264 --> 00:58:36,099
Just be real.

1274
00:58:37,034 --> 00:58:37,244
I love that.

1275
00:58:37,244 --> 00:58:39,949
His nookie dropping bombs on us over here.

1276
00:58:41,409 --> 00:58:41,949
That's right.

1277
00:58:42,879 --> 00:58:43,994
Bombs over here.

1278
00:58:43,994 --> 00:58:45,314
I love it, man.

1279
00:58:45,594 --> 00:58:46,104
Ms. nookie.

1280
00:58:46,104 --> 00:58:49,264
Okay, before, before I get into this
outro, I'm just gonna say nookie

1281
00:58:49,264 --> 00:58:52,034
notes for non-monogamous people.

1282
00:58:52,814 --> 00:58:53,564
You have to do that.

1283
00:58:53,564 --> 00:58:53,654
You

1284
00:58:53,654 --> 00:58:54,494
gotta do that.

1285
00:58:54,554 --> 00:58:55,424
You gotta do that.

1286
00:58:55,424 --> 00:58:56,714
And if you need any help, let me know.

1287
00:58:56,714 --> 00:58:57,164
I I can,

1288
00:58:57,434 --> 00:58:59,864
and for sure we need to get
together because we can have

1289
00:58:59,864 --> 00:59:02,144
this conversation all night long

1290
00:59:02,144 --> 00:59:05,864
and, you know, if, you know, we can always
talk about a masterclass that's Yes.

1291
00:59:06,074 --> 00:59:06,254
Yeah.

1292
00:59:06,254 --> 00:59:06,344
And

1293
00:59:07,094 --> 00:59:10,064
if you ever want me to come back
and so I'm, I'm here for you guys.

1294
00:59:10,139 --> 00:59:12,494
'cause I love what you guys are doing.

1295
00:59:12,644 --> 00:59:14,234
I love what you guys are doing.

1296
00:59:14,244 --> 00:59:18,864
I think what you guys are doing is
truly, is truly a service that's needed.

1297
00:59:19,599 --> 00:59:24,729
Because, you know, to you're breaking
away the stigma of the lifestyle.

1298
00:59:24,729 --> 00:59:27,009
Especially when, when,
when people are married.

1299
00:59:27,039 --> 00:59:31,269
You know, I like to tell my couples,
you know, you craft your relationship.

1300
00:59:32,379 --> 00:59:34,659
It doesn't matter what society says.

1301
00:59:34,739 --> 00:59:37,979
It's whatever you two agree
upon whatever that is.

1302
00:59:38,279 --> 00:59:40,924
Because your happiness is
what's ma is what matters.

1303
00:59:41,164 --> 00:59:43,414
Everyone from the outside, ignore them.

1304
00:59:43,414 --> 00:59:45,514
It's whatever makes you two happy.

1305
00:59:45,514 --> 00:59:49,414
And as long as you're always in
agreement on, as long as the lines

1306
00:59:49,414 --> 00:59:53,144
of communication are constantly
open that's, that's the key.

1307
00:59:53,354 --> 00:59:53,654
Yeah.

1308
00:59:53,684 --> 00:59:54,374
That's the key.

1309
00:59:54,434 --> 00:59:55,019
That's the key.

1310
00:59:55,079 --> 01:00:00,584
So you guys are definitely something
that is needed in society to say,

1311
01:00:00,584 --> 01:00:04,694
Hey, we've done this, our whole entire
relationship and we are happy as hell.

1312
01:00:04,814 --> 01:00:04,874
Yeah.

1313
01:00:04,904 --> 01:00:09,494
So, you know, there is happiness
in a lifestyle relationship.

1314
01:00:09,524 --> 01:00:09,614
Mm-hmm.

1315
01:00:09,854 --> 01:00:10,034
Yeah.

1316
01:00:10,104 --> 01:00:13,554
So whatever you need me
for, just shoot me an email.

1317
01:00:13,554 --> 01:00:14,124
I'm here.

1318
01:00:14,334 --> 01:00:14,514
Yes.

1319
01:00:14,514 --> 01:00:15,654
I'm definitely here for it.

1320
01:00:15,904 --> 01:00:17,194
You are becoming fast.

1321
01:00:17,194 --> 01:00:18,184
One of my favorite people.

1322
01:00:18,199 --> 01:00:18,419
Yes.

1323
01:00:18,719 --> 01:00:22,049
So, Ms. Nookie, this has been
an incredible conversation.

1324
01:00:22,289 --> 01:00:25,499
This is the kind of conversation
that reminds us why we started

1325
01:00:25,499 --> 01:00:26,879
Beyond Monogamy in the first place.

1326
01:00:27,279 --> 01:00:29,949
Because this lifestyle isn't just
about play, it's about connection.

1327
01:00:29,949 --> 01:00:30,879
It's about safety.

1328
01:00:31,059 --> 01:00:34,239
It's about learning to
communicate like grown ass adults

1329
01:00:34,239 --> 01:00:35,469
who still know how to flirt.

1330
01:00:36,879 --> 01:00:37,149
Yep.

1331
01:00:37,149 --> 01:00:37,689
Exactly.

1332
01:00:37,689 --> 01:00:40,999
I love that Ms. Nookie brings
both the science and the sass.

1333
01:00:41,019 --> 01:00:42,579
She makes communication sexy.

1334
01:00:42,579 --> 01:00:47,539
Again, if you wanna learn more about
her work or grab your own set of Nookie

1335
01:00:47,559 --> 01:00:51,519
notes, go check her out at Love Mastery
Institute and follow her socials.

1336
01:00:51,579 --> 01:00:54,699
You'll find everything you need
to link up with her in our show

1337
01:00:54,699 --> 01:00:56,319
notes and our show website.

1338
01:00:56,329 --> 01:00:59,239
Under the guest bio, trust
us, you'll thank us later.

1339
01:00:59,449 --> 01:00:59,869
Yes.

1340
01:01:00,379 --> 01:01:05,259
And as always, you can find
us at www.beyond-monogamy.com.

1341
01:01:05,539 --> 01:01:08,689
Leave us a voicemail on
our confessional page.

1342
01:01:08,689 --> 01:01:14,239
Drop a review wherever you listen and
catch us on Full Swap Radio every Thursday

1343
01:01:14,239 --> 01:01:16,699
at 2:00 PM and 7:00 PM Central time.

1344
01:01:17,029 --> 01:01:17,899
Big thanks to Ms.

1345
01:01:17,899 --> 01:01:19,009
Nookie for joining us.

1346
01:01:19,814 --> 01:01:20,834
Wonderful lady.

1347
01:01:20,954 --> 01:01:21,134
Thank you

1348
01:01:21,464 --> 01:01:22,844
guys so much for having me.

1349
01:01:22,844 --> 01:01:23,849
This was amazing.

1350
01:01:24,464 --> 01:01:25,694
We loved it so much.

1351
01:01:25,694 --> 01:01:28,244
We can't wait to see you again 'cause
we're definitely gonna have you back on.

1352
01:01:28,244 --> 01:01:28,334
Yes.

1353
01:01:28,664 --> 01:01:32,864
And to all of you listening,
we appreciate you listening and

1354
01:01:32,864 --> 01:01:34,304
we will see you guys next week.

1355
01:01:34,424 --> 01:01:34,904
Bye