The Hard Truth: Sexual Assault in the Lifestyle and Why Consent Still Matters

By Adam & Pris – Beyond Monogamy Podcast

Let’s Get Real for a Minute…

We know what you’re probably thinking —
“Wait… this isn’t the sexy, spicy Beyond Monogamy I signed up for!”

And hey, we get it. Most days, we’re all about the flirt, the fun, the freedom.
But today’s not one of those days.

Today we’re talking about something that isn’t sexy, but is absolutely essential:
Sexual assault in the lifestyle.

Yep. It happens here too.
And pretending it doesn’t? That’s exactly how people keep getting hurt.

The Lifestyle Isn’t a Free-For-All

One of the biggest misconceptions about the swinging and ENM (ethical non-monogamy) world is that consent is automatic.
Like, “Oh, you’re in the lifestyle? Cool, that means anyone can touch you, right?”

🚨 Wrong.

Being in the lifestyle doesn’t mean your body’s on autopilot “yes mode.”
It means you value communication, trust, honesty, and mutual respect — the same things that make sex and connection fun in the first place.

But too often, that message gets lost somewhere between the playroom and the bar.

Maybe it’s the music. Maybe it’s the alcohol.
Maybe it’s the centuries of cultural baggage that make it really hard to say “no” without being labeled uptight.

Whatever it is — it’s gotta stop.

A Little History Lesson (Because We’re Nerds Like That)

You don’t need a degree in sexology to know that consent has been murky territory since… well, forever.
But it’s wild to realize how recent some of our cultural progress really is.

• The word consent didn’t even appear in many state sexual assault laws until the 1970s and 1980s.

• Marital rape wasn’t considered a crime in all 50 states until 1993.

• The phrase “enthusiastic consent” — meaning yes means yes, not silence means yes — didn’t go mainstream until the mid-2010s, when college campuses started rewriting their policies.

And yet here we are, in 2025, still reminding grown adults that “ask first” isn’t optional.

Come on, y’all. We can do better than that.

The Lifestyle Paradox

Here’s the weird thing:
The swinger and ENM community should be leading the world in consent culture.

We talk about it more than vanilla people ever do!
We negotiate boundaries, play styles, and safe words like pros.

But behind closed doors — and in some dimly lit club corners — consent sometimes slips through the cracks.

Why?
Because we assume everyone “gets it.”
Because alcohol and adrenaline blur judgment.
Because we still carry old-school cultural conditioning that tells women to be polite and men to be dominant.

And because too many people are afraid to call things what they are: assault.

What Sexual Assault Looks Like (That You Might Not Recognize)

Not all assault looks like the stuff you see on Law & Order.
In the lifestyle, it can look deceptively casual — and that’s what makes it so dangerous.

• A guy putting his hand on your lower back “just to guide you.”

• A woman kissing another woman without asking because “we’re all open here.”

• Someone drunk and handsy who “didn’t mean it.”

• A couple that pressures another into play after being told “maybe later.”

• A person who assumes “last time means next time.”

None of those are harmless.
They’re violations — of boundaries, of trust, and of consent.

If it’s not a clear “yes,” it’s a no.
And if someone’s too intoxicated to answer, it’s still a no.

Why It’s Hard to Speak Up

Let’s be real — saying no isn’t always easy.
Especially when you’re trying to keep things friendly, sexy, or low-drama.

A lot of people freeze.
Psychologists call it the “fawn response.”
Your brain literally locks up because it’s trying to keep you safe, not start a fight.

And when that happens in a place that’s supposed to feel safe — like a club or event — it leaves a scar.

We’ve seen it.
We’ve experienced it.
We’ve had listeners write to us with stories that’ll break your heart.

And far too often, the first thing they say is, “I didn’t want to cause a scene.”

Let’s flip that:
The person who violated your boundaries caused the scene — not you.

Alcohol Isn’t an Alibi

We’re not here to shame anyone who enjoys a drink (or three).
But there’s a reason almost every “it went too far” story starts with:
“Well, they were just a little drunk…”

Alcohol lowers inhibitions — and awareness.
It turns a flirty vibe into a foggy mess of crossed signals.
And once that line gets blurred, the damage is real.

If you can’t consent sober, you can’t consent drunk.
Period.

How to Be the Safe One in the Room

Let’s make this simple.
Here’s your Beyond Monogamy crash course in being the good kind of sexy human.

1. Ask first. Always.
“May I kiss you?” is 10x hotter than assuming.
It shows confidence and respect — that’s a winning combo.

2. Check in. Every time.
New partner? New day, new consent.
Just because it was okay last night doesn’t mean it’s a go tonight.

3. Speak up.
If you see someone uncomfortable, ask, “You good?”
A simple question can change everything.

4. Hold your friends accountable.
If your buddy crosses a line, call it out — kindly, but firmly.
Silence equals approval, and we’re not about that.

5. Protect your vibe.
If something feels off, it probably is.
Trust that gut — it’s there to keep you safe.

When It Happens (and What to Do Next)

If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault — whether in the lifestyle or not — there’s help.
You don’t have to deal with it alone, and it’s never your fault.

Resources:

• RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) – 24/7 confidential support: 1-800-656-4673

• National Sexual Violence Resource Center

• Safe Horizons

• 1in6.org – specialized support for male survivors

• VictimConnect Resource Center – live chat and phone help

If something happened at a club or lifestyle event, report it to the organizers right away.
The good ones will take it seriously.
If they don’t — that’s not your community.
Walk out and don’t look back.

We’re All Responsible for Making It Better

We built Beyond Monogamy to talk about real stuff — the sexy and the serious.
Because if we can’t talk about consent, safety, and respect…
we don’t deserve to call ourselves a community.

This isn’t about shaming anyone.
It’s about protecting the spaces we love.

When we look out for each other — when we make consent as normal as foreplay — the lifestyle becomes what it was always meant to be: a place for connection, freedom, and trust.

Join the Conversation (And the Movement)

We want to hear from you.
Share your stories, your thoughts, your questions — privately or publicly.
This topic matters too much to stay silent.

🎙️ Listen to the full episode:
“Sexual Assault in the Lifestyle: Why Consent Still Matters”
Streaming now wherever you get your podcasts.

Catch us every Thursday on FullSwapRadio.com at 1 PM and 6 PM CST,
and follow us on all our socials to keep this conversation (and our community) growing:

• Facebook: Beyond Monogamy 4U

• Instagram: @beyond_monogamy_4u

• TikTok: @beyond.monogamy and @adam&beyond

• X (Twitter): @beyomono

• Reddit: r/beyond_monogamy

• YouTube: @BeyondMonogamywithAdamPris

And as always —
like, subscribe, share, and leave a review.
Your support keeps us going, and your voice might be the one that helps someone find theirs.

Final Thought

The sexiest thing in the world?
Safety.

Because when everyone feels safe, everyone can truly play.

So ask the question. Respect the answer.
And keep making the lifestyle the beautiful, brave, and consensual space it deserves to be.